Authors' Note: Sorry it took me so long to update. My cousin, Ailuj, was in
charge of this chapter and was on vacation. For those of you still reading,
read on! Chapter 7 will be up VERY soon. Probably tonight. Remember: Mela
still thinks that Frodo is Sam and Sam is Frodo. Damn that Merry!
Chapter Six: Foul Creature/Hobbit Stalking
By Ailuj
Based on the Movie
Doo, doo do, do do do do! The theme song from James Bond reverberated inside Mela's head as she ducked around a rock to avoid the hobbits she was following. They were really in fairly similar situations: both tried not to be seen, both. never mind. Anyway, Mela was following the hobbits. It really wasn't that difficult to do; Frodo's loud voice was hard to miss.
"Oh Sa-am! Come and carry me around this stone in my path!"
"Yes Mr. Frodo, of course sir." Mela was disgusted. Sam (who Mela thought was called Frodo) was grossly servile to Frodo, bringing him his breakfast in bed, curling his nose hairs, and anything else "Mr. Frodo" (why did he call him "Frodo?" His name was Sam!) wanted done.
"Oh Sa-am! Lets stop for a break, I grow weary of walking in these circles."
Mela agreed with him there, her feet - hey, wait a second! Walking in *circles?* This thought had apparently occurred to the hobbits, too!
"We're lost! I don't think Gandalf meant for us to come this way!"
"Well duh, he didn't mean to fall to a fiery death from which he returns in a few hundred pages, did he now?"
Sam's reply was cut off by a shriek from behind another rock. "No! Precious, he reveals the plot! We wants our precious from plot revealer Baggins!"
"Smeagol!" Sam cried.
"Samwise!" Gollum cried. "I thought I'd never see you again!" They ran toward each other and hugged.
"Um, guys," Frodo said. "Hate to break it to you, but you aren't supposed to like each other."
"Oh yeah," Sam said.
"Nassty fat hobbitsessss!" Gollum said, backing away from Sam.
"Well, now that we've got that settled - Gollum, will you take us to Mordor?"
"Dude, no way. You're gonna sssso die if I take you there."
"Lets just tie him up and leave him," Sam urged.
"NO! That would kill us, kill usss!" Gollum shrieked.
"If we are going to kill him, we have to kill him outright, and we can't do that, because I might get blood on me."
"But we can't let him go!"
"You know the way to Mordor, right?" asked Frodo.
"We can't let him lead us! He's a dirty little sneak!"
"We will ssswear on the Precioussss not to hurtsss it," said Gollum.
Two black riders marched out with a box. Frodo stood on it so he looked tall and imposing, then said, "Dude, it's mine and I can't trust you. But you can swear by it if you want."
"Sure. We ssswearsss to ssserve the massster of the preciousss, etc. etc. etc."
One of the Black Riders moved forward, took away the box and handed Gollum a set of papers and a pretty blue pen. "Sign here," he grunted.
"Smeagol or Gollum?" Gollum asked.
"Whatever. Just hurry. I'm getting bored with this lack of technology," the Rider answered.
"S . . . m . . . e . . . a . . . go - I always get the "go" part right - . . . l . . . l . . . u . . . m," Gollum carefully sounded out as he scrawled his name onto the document.
"Alright then, let's go."
"Foul creature," Mela thought as she got up to start walking again.
Soon, the trio (with Mela sneaking behind them) reached a fork in the road. One of the signs said, "Starring David Wenham, as Faramir," with an arrow pointing to the left.
The second sign said, "Starring Faramir son of Denethor, as himself," and this sign pointed to the right.
"Hm, which one to pick," wondered Frodo.
"I vote for the first sign," said Gollum.
"I do as well!" said Sam.
"Too bad. I am the Ringbearer and therefore will go against your pitiful advice. We go the second way!"
"Yes, excellent choice," Sam muttered, ashamed at voicing his opinions before Frodo had. They marched down the first path, Frodo in the lead.
At this point they heard a scuffle going on in the bushes and four tall men who looked like Boromir walked out toward them.
"They are not Orcs," one stated.
"Are they Elves?" asked another, the stupidest of the four.
"Well *that* one is, you idiot. But the others?"
"Not Elves. Elves are pretty."
"Do you call my master ugly?!" shouted Sam.
"They hurt my feelings," Frodo whimpered, crouched on the ground.
Sam was about to begin the process of thinking up a comeback against the men, but then realized what they had said. "What do you mean, that one is an Elf?" he demanded.
"Just what I said. That one is an Elf," the man pointed straight at Mela, who had been taking advantage of how stupid hobbits are and not bothering to conceal herself. She had simply been behind them the whole time . . . they had never looked back . . .
"Lema!" Sam shouted, pointing at her.
"Who?" Frodo said, turning at looking at Mela also, "It's just Legolas. Hey, how's it going, Leggy?"
Mela glared.
"No," Sam continued, "You weren't there, but that's not the real Legolas! It's his twin sister, Lema, who knocked him out and took on his identity!"
Frodo gasped. "No," he said.
"Yes," Sam said.
"No way,"
"Yes way,"
"Seriously?"
"I swear on my frying pan."
"Impressive," Frodo said, Mela's presence dawning on him, "So, Lema -"
"It's Mela," Mela growled.
"What is?" Frodo asked stupidly.
"Mela is my name," Mela said through gritted teeth.
"Makes ya feel like ya walked in on a soap opera," one of the men whispered to his companion. Frodo and Sam heard this and seemed to remember that they had been talking to these people before Mela had showed up.
"Uh," said Sam hopefully, "can we use the unexpected arrival of this Elf imposter as acceptable grounds for skipping the whole Faramir dealie from the book?"
Mumbles of "sure," and "okie dokie" came from the group of men.
"Boromir, Boromir, Boromir!" screamed one of the men in the group. "It's always *Boromir,* isn't it? Never mind me, as long as *Boromir* is in the story, isn't that right? Nobody cares about me. Boromir, Boromir, Boromir!" and he stomped off whining.
"Ooo!" cried Frodo, "I love that episode! Sam, tonight you will reenact it for me."
Mela probably would have seen more, but she was descending into the mental ill ness of shopping withdrawal.
END AUTHOR'S NOTE: Chapter 7 will be up soon. Please review and tell us what you think!
Chapter Six: Foul Creature/Hobbit Stalking
By Ailuj
Based on the Movie
Doo, doo do, do do do do! The theme song from James Bond reverberated inside Mela's head as she ducked around a rock to avoid the hobbits she was following. They were really in fairly similar situations: both tried not to be seen, both. never mind. Anyway, Mela was following the hobbits. It really wasn't that difficult to do; Frodo's loud voice was hard to miss.
"Oh Sa-am! Come and carry me around this stone in my path!"
"Yes Mr. Frodo, of course sir." Mela was disgusted. Sam (who Mela thought was called Frodo) was grossly servile to Frodo, bringing him his breakfast in bed, curling his nose hairs, and anything else "Mr. Frodo" (why did he call him "Frodo?" His name was Sam!) wanted done.
"Oh Sa-am! Lets stop for a break, I grow weary of walking in these circles."
Mela agreed with him there, her feet - hey, wait a second! Walking in *circles?* This thought had apparently occurred to the hobbits, too!
"We're lost! I don't think Gandalf meant for us to come this way!"
"Well duh, he didn't mean to fall to a fiery death from which he returns in a few hundred pages, did he now?"
Sam's reply was cut off by a shriek from behind another rock. "No! Precious, he reveals the plot! We wants our precious from plot revealer Baggins!"
"Smeagol!" Sam cried.
"Samwise!" Gollum cried. "I thought I'd never see you again!" They ran toward each other and hugged.
"Um, guys," Frodo said. "Hate to break it to you, but you aren't supposed to like each other."
"Oh yeah," Sam said.
"Nassty fat hobbitsessss!" Gollum said, backing away from Sam.
"Well, now that we've got that settled - Gollum, will you take us to Mordor?"
"Dude, no way. You're gonna sssso die if I take you there."
"Lets just tie him up and leave him," Sam urged.
"NO! That would kill us, kill usss!" Gollum shrieked.
"If we are going to kill him, we have to kill him outright, and we can't do that, because I might get blood on me."
"But we can't let him go!"
"You know the way to Mordor, right?" asked Frodo.
"We can't let him lead us! He's a dirty little sneak!"
"We will ssswear on the Precioussss not to hurtsss it," said Gollum.
Two black riders marched out with a box. Frodo stood on it so he looked tall and imposing, then said, "Dude, it's mine and I can't trust you. But you can swear by it if you want."
"Sure. We ssswearsss to ssserve the massster of the preciousss, etc. etc. etc."
One of the Black Riders moved forward, took away the box and handed Gollum a set of papers and a pretty blue pen. "Sign here," he grunted.
"Smeagol or Gollum?" Gollum asked.
"Whatever. Just hurry. I'm getting bored with this lack of technology," the Rider answered.
"S . . . m . . . e . . . a . . . go - I always get the "go" part right - . . . l . . . l . . . u . . . m," Gollum carefully sounded out as he scrawled his name onto the document.
"Alright then, let's go."
"Foul creature," Mela thought as she got up to start walking again.
Soon, the trio (with Mela sneaking behind them) reached a fork in the road. One of the signs said, "Starring David Wenham, as Faramir," with an arrow pointing to the left.
The second sign said, "Starring Faramir son of Denethor, as himself," and this sign pointed to the right.
"Hm, which one to pick," wondered Frodo.
"I vote for the first sign," said Gollum.
"I do as well!" said Sam.
"Too bad. I am the Ringbearer and therefore will go against your pitiful advice. We go the second way!"
"Yes, excellent choice," Sam muttered, ashamed at voicing his opinions before Frodo had. They marched down the first path, Frodo in the lead.
At this point they heard a scuffle going on in the bushes and four tall men who looked like Boromir walked out toward them.
"They are not Orcs," one stated.
"Are they Elves?" asked another, the stupidest of the four.
"Well *that* one is, you idiot. But the others?"
"Not Elves. Elves are pretty."
"Do you call my master ugly?!" shouted Sam.
"They hurt my feelings," Frodo whimpered, crouched on the ground.
Sam was about to begin the process of thinking up a comeback against the men, but then realized what they had said. "What do you mean, that one is an Elf?" he demanded.
"Just what I said. That one is an Elf," the man pointed straight at Mela, who had been taking advantage of how stupid hobbits are and not bothering to conceal herself. She had simply been behind them the whole time . . . they had never looked back . . .
"Lema!" Sam shouted, pointing at her.
"Who?" Frodo said, turning at looking at Mela also, "It's just Legolas. Hey, how's it going, Leggy?"
Mela glared.
"No," Sam continued, "You weren't there, but that's not the real Legolas! It's his twin sister, Lema, who knocked him out and took on his identity!"
Frodo gasped. "No," he said.
"Yes," Sam said.
"No way,"
"Yes way,"
"Seriously?"
"I swear on my frying pan."
"Impressive," Frodo said, Mela's presence dawning on him, "So, Lema -"
"It's Mela," Mela growled.
"What is?" Frodo asked stupidly.
"Mela is my name," Mela said through gritted teeth.
"Makes ya feel like ya walked in on a soap opera," one of the men whispered to his companion. Frodo and Sam heard this and seemed to remember that they had been talking to these people before Mela had showed up.
"Uh," said Sam hopefully, "can we use the unexpected arrival of this Elf imposter as acceptable grounds for skipping the whole Faramir dealie from the book?"
Mumbles of "sure," and "okie dokie" came from the group of men.
"Boromir, Boromir, Boromir!" screamed one of the men in the group. "It's always *Boromir,* isn't it? Never mind me, as long as *Boromir* is in the story, isn't that right? Nobody cares about me. Boromir, Boromir, Boromir!" and he stomped off whining.
"Ooo!" cried Frodo, "I love that episode! Sam, tonight you will reenact it for me."
Mela probably would have seen more, but she was descending into the mental ill ness of shopping withdrawal.
END AUTHOR'S NOTE: Chapter 7 will be up soon. Please review and tell us what you think!