Prologue
A name is simple. And yet it is complex. You have no control over which one
is chosen for you and yet it becomes your verbal identification. A name,
the Boys of Destiny have learned theirs and discovered the importance of
trust. But also, they have learned that a battle awaits them. This known,
the two face their upside down lives with the ones they trust and their
vacant memories.
Chapter 3
I bit my lip as I followed her. Her braided black hair falling on her shoulder. I was told to keep my head high and look composed and relaxed. But how can one who knows so little of themselves, one so uncertain of their future, one who isn't composed or relaxed pretend to be? I don't like lying. We entered the cafeteria and she whispered to me about eating. I wasn't sure I wanted to eat. I remembered my exit from the Ingrid, Reigned Klein, and I sighed.
Rome was so concerned for my well being, so afraid of what happened and above all so confused. I looked at her and our eyes met. She must have seen my uncertainty, my fear. She offered a warm smile and took my hand, squeezing it reassuringly. "Everything will be fine." She whispered. I nodded, swallowing.
"I hope so, Rome. I just feel so helpless, you know? I don't know what to expect."
"No one does, truly. The future isn't set in stone so no one knows what it will bring." She said lightly. I half smiled, the words comforting me. "Erts," she began, using the other name for the surrounding people's sakes. "You'll be fine as long as I take care of you." Her face was bent down at her tray, placing food on hers and mine. I looked at her profile. Her eyes were distant and she bit her lower lip as I did previously. It then occurred to me that she might have been as afraid for me as I was for myself.
I had opened my mouth to comfort her when she looked up into my eyes and openned her mouth. We both closed our mouthes, expecting the other to continue. A second of silence and we laughed. She placed her hand on my shoulder and I leaned my head against hers. We grabbed our trays and turned to head to the table.
In our way were two people. One I recognized off the bat. His cobault blue eyes bore into me and I refrained from shrinking in his glare. Rome figdeted beside me. The pink haired girl beside Zero shook her head. "Erts, what's going on?" he questioned and I blinked.
"Zero, please not here." Hissed the pink haired girl. I looked at her and her cap. She was dressed differently from the other girls, one pant leg ripped. I wondered who she was and then I remembered the name that escaped Zero's mouth this morning.
"Shut up Kizna." Zero hissed. She narrowed her eyes and her hat twitched. I looked at her. This was Kizna. She was an attractive young girl and the two beamed with a strong bond. I looked at Zero. My eyes narrowed a bit and I frowned. I was entirely confused. I awoke this morning with this boy, naked, and I assume we had. done stuff the night previous.
And yet here he is with this girl? Had I right to be jealous? Jealous? How could I be jealous? I am not Erts, therefore not Zero's boyfriend. Was Erts even Zero's boyfriend? Or was this girl his sognificant other? I was silenced for the moment contemplating.
"Nothing's going on." I said simply. Was that the right answer? My head throbbed with confusion. Zero tilted his head. Rome placed her hand on my shoulder.
"Zero what's wrong?" she asked, her hand bringing me solace and comfort.
"Rome Lottes" Zero hissed and he stepped closer to her. Rome stepped back. Kizna hit Zero suddenly, which startled me because I hadn't pictured her to be violent. I looked at Rome nervously. She blinked her face a blank expression. I looked at Zero and felt his emotion of jealousy. It was weird how I felt it. It was as if I knew he was jealous, I knew he was angry. It was a knowlegde set in my mind as true as my hair was blonde. Zero looked fiercely at Kizna. "You don't understand. Erts and I. last night we." his eyes teared with such over whelming anger. "She can't do that to him!" he hissed.
People's heads began to turn and soon murmurs began. I stumbled back, trembling. Rome touched my shoulder and I felt relaxed for the most part but still uneasy. She stepped forward and met Zero's eyes with warm smile. "Zero, you surprised me there. Your act was very amusing." She tilted her head and looked at Kizna. Some unknown message came across the two.
Kizna laughed and turned to the befuddled Zero. "Ah Zero! We've been found out!" She turned to everyone and bowed. "Thank you! Thank you ladies and gentlemen." She turned to Zero. "Zero, it is impolite not to bow after a performance." Her eyes were feirce, her words sharp though seemlingly light. Zero swallowed and laughed nervously with a bow. Kizna stood up. "Now feel free to continue eating!" She grabbed Zero and dragged him away. He glanced back at me and I looked away in discomfort, my cheeks a flare. Rome looked at everyone.
A murmur reached my ears. "Poor Erts, prey to another one of Zero's antics. An Ingrid pilot forced to level with an idiot like him." Rome led me to a table apart from everyone. She sat gracefully and non-chalantly ate, taking small pieces of her meal. I looked at my food, my appetite having fled me. Personally, I didn't remember being hungry to begin with.
"Rome. you were planing on saying something before Zero. attacked us." I said softly, the use of the term Attack light. I was still shaking a bit but every passing second I began to believe in the façade more and more. It had to have been an act. Rome was too calm and collected, Kizna was too precise. but Zero's emotions, they cut into me so harshly as if they were a sharp blade. I looked into Rome's eyes and felt the anxiety edge away. I reminded myself I wasn't Erts. Zero couldn't hold anything against him or me. if he ever recived his body back.
Rome blinked and looked down. She sighed. "When you were in Reined Klein. you told me. you said," she blushed and shook her head. She looked down at her meal and I thought back to the warmth that was the Ingrid's cockpit.
"I said you were beautiful." I whispered softly. She looked up with wide eyes. I swallowed and sighed. I smiled at her shocked expression. I reached out and touched her hand. "And you are." Her face became serene and she smiled gently.
"Thank you Erts." She whispered. She mouthed Quatre and my worries of her still hoping I was Erts Virnny Cocteau melted away. She knew I, Quatre, said it. Not Erts, not the Ingrid's influence. I meant it and I was comforted knowing at least one person knew who I was and didn't hold anything against me. One person was here to help me and understand me and comfort me. I liked Rome's presence, it didn't make me feel like I had to live up to who I'm not or to pretend. I smiled and for the first time since I had awaken. I meant it.
Appetite having returned, or better said, having first been awaken I began to eat as well.
~*~*~
I saw him sitting at the windowsill, over looking 'my' landscape. Of course I knew it wasn't truly mine. It was this Quatre whose place I was forced to take. I cleared my throat into my fist. I felt my fist tremble against my lips. He didn't start nor jump. He just turned his head toward me, his emerald eyes flickering in the morning sun beaming into the window.
I took in a shakey breath. I was nervous and had planned on pushing this confrontation until I was better prepared. But the more time that passed the less prepared to face him I felt. I had to explain, to have him see. it's not Quatre who doesn't love but me, another being in general who just didn't. love him.
"Trowa?" I asked, my voice unfamiliar to me. In my mind I chanted, like a mantra for sanity and composure, my name. Erts. I am Erts, not Quatre, therefore it can not be held against me. I prayed he'd see. I hoped he'd believe. I wished that he'd understand and accept. He nodded and I resisted a shudder as his eyes melted with love toward me.
No. Not me. Quatre. I am Erts. Trowa stood and walked toward me. I swallowed. I had no obligation to play a part. I had no reason to pretend I was who I wasn't.
"Yes, Quatre." His voice was soft as it caressed my cheek. My cheek!?!
I jumped when I realized how close we were, blushing like mad. When had he gotten that close? Was I that inwrapped in the complexity and enigma that were his eyes that I hadn't noticed the rest of him? Was this what Quatre found in him. I frowned. No. Quatre must have loved him. "I have something to say."
I sounded so frail, even to myself. Trowa's hands rested on my shoulders. His hands were warm and I felt them through the thin material of the silk shirt I wore. I felt the tremble from my hands rise up my arms and take hold. It was slight but present enough for Trowa to notice. Mistaking it for me being cold he pulled me close. My cheeks pressed against his chest, my eyes wide. His warm embrace and strong arms relaxed me but gave me a new tension. Was I allowed to take this liberty with him?
Soon Trowa's hand found my hair and I realized I was endulgiong far too much. With great resentment I stepped back. But I found in his embrace some strength. "Trowa. I have to explain something to you." I said with less difficulty. Trowa furrowed his brows.
"What Quatre?" His hand reached out and touched my cheek. I closed my eyes and began to gain a sense of composure and a sense of certainty. With each touch from him I realized, even if physically I'd very much so enjoy playing this role, my heart and soul was not in it. They longed to float into the arms and mind of another. Another more like Duo, a free spirit with a warm heart.
"You call me Quatre. You're so sure I am he because of what you see. But think with your heart and tell me. Can you still recognize me as Quatre? Can you honestly feel Quatre in me or do you see the truth. that I am not myself." Trowa looked baffled for a second and I offered a soft smile. "I awoke this morning with no memory. no idea of who I was or for that matter who you were. I awoke naked, in the arms of a stranger in a room I didn't recognize as my own. I was afraid then. I know, some how as crazy as it sounds, that I am not the one you know and love. If you truly love Quatre you'll know and believe. you'll see, Trowa."
We stood there in silence and second by second I began to loose my confidence. I was hurting him. His eyes looked disbelieving. I looked down and murmured an apology.
I am Erts. I have no obligation. I am Erts. Not Quatre. Erts. If he wouldn't see, I wouldn't pretend.
"How?" he whispered. His voice was so soft it surprised me. My eyes quickly rose to meet his, mine filled with my grief and frustration but mostly my guilt. I began to play Quatre only to push him away. Now I confused him. Now I probably scared him. for all he knew I was crazy.
Am I?
I'm hearing a female's voice in my mind.
I have no memories I feel I can call my own.
These people claim my body is one person when I feel I'm another.
Am I Erts? Or am I Quatre? I covered my face with my cold hands. I wasn't sure anymore.
I blinked and my confidence faded, shattering into sharp useless shards. I stepped from him. What made me so sure I was Erts? How could I trust myself? I knew nothing, I was sure of nothing. "I. I don't. know. I just. don't." I shook again, this time so hard it was visble. But Trowa stepped forward and embarced me. I buried my face in his soft cotton shirt. The green turtle neck I saw in his picture Duo showed me.
I remembered that much. I remembered the morning. I remembered the cold. I remembered Duo for the few hours it seemed that I knew him. I remembered feeling the warmth of Trowa, then a stranger, when I felt his stomach. Thos were memories I knew amd was sure of. But anything else was just. madness? "Quatre." Trowa whispered and I sobbed.
No.
Yes?
I didn't know. Who am I? Why aren't I sure anymore? What has this man done to me?
She said I could trust in him.
How can I when I can't even trust myself. trust in who I am?
I felt us drop to our knees. I felt my eyes drift close was I cried. How would I know? "Help me." I felt my lips mouth and what I now know as my voice speak.
Soon my cold lips met warmth. The warmth of Trowa's kiss.
I closed my eyes, tears streaming down my face.
And then a memory. One I knew was my own.
Zero.
I pulled back. "Zero. I love Zero." I stood up and blinked. "I'm Erts and I love Zero. I'm, not Quatre. I don't love you. I won't force myself to pretend I am either Quatre or in love with you. But I am willing to be your friend. If nto. then that's all I'm offering." I turned and walked out, I couldn't let him make me doubtr myself again.
He couldn't.
For I loved Zero.
~*~*~
Neh? Whaddya think of chapter 3, huh? I wanted to emotionally torment Erts, sorry ^^. I just had to somehow bring about his emotions for Zero. As for Quatre ^^ he'll get his torment NEXT chapter.
Chapter 3
I bit my lip as I followed her. Her braided black hair falling on her shoulder. I was told to keep my head high and look composed and relaxed. But how can one who knows so little of themselves, one so uncertain of their future, one who isn't composed or relaxed pretend to be? I don't like lying. We entered the cafeteria and she whispered to me about eating. I wasn't sure I wanted to eat. I remembered my exit from the Ingrid, Reigned Klein, and I sighed.
Rome was so concerned for my well being, so afraid of what happened and above all so confused. I looked at her and our eyes met. She must have seen my uncertainty, my fear. She offered a warm smile and took my hand, squeezing it reassuringly. "Everything will be fine." She whispered. I nodded, swallowing.
"I hope so, Rome. I just feel so helpless, you know? I don't know what to expect."
"No one does, truly. The future isn't set in stone so no one knows what it will bring." She said lightly. I half smiled, the words comforting me. "Erts," she began, using the other name for the surrounding people's sakes. "You'll be fine as long as I take care of you." Her face was bent down at her tray, placing food on hers and mine. I looked at her profile. Her eyes were distant and she bit her lower lip as I did previously. It then occurred to me that she might have been as afraid for me as I was for myself.
I had opened my mouth to comfort her when she looked up into my eyes and openned her mouth. We both closed our mouthes, expecting the other to continue. A second of silence and we laughed. She placed her hand on my shoulder and I leaned my head against hers. We grabbed our trays and turned to head to the table.
In our way were two people. One I recognized off the bat. His cobault blue eyes bore into me and I refrained from shrinking in his glare. Rome figdeted beside me. The pink haired girl beside Zero shook her head. "Erts, what's going on?" he questioned and I blinked.
"Zero, please not here." Hissed the pink haired girl. I looked at her and her cap. She was dressed differently from the other girls, one pant leg ripped. I wondered who she was and then I remembered the name that escaped Zero's mouth this morning.
"Shut up Kizna." Zero hissed. She narrowed her eyes and her hat twitched. I looked at her. This was Kizna. She was an attractive young girl and the two beamed with a strong bond. I looked at Zero. My eyes narrowed a bit and I frowned. I was entirely confused. I awoke this morning with this boy, naked, and I assume we had. done stuff the night previous.
And yet here he is with this girl? Had I right to be jealous? Jealous? How could I be jealous? I am not Erts, therefore not Zero's boyfriend. Was Erts even Zero's boyfriend? Or was this girl his sognificant other? I was silenced for the moment contemplating.
"Nothing's going on." I said simply. Was that the right answer? My head throbbed with confusion. Zero tilted his head. Rome placed her hand on my shoulder.
"Zero what's wrong?" she asked, her hand bringing me solace and comfort.
"Rome Lottes" Zero hissed and he stepped closer to her. Rome stepped back. Kizna hit Zero suddenly, which startled me because I hadn't pictured her to be violent. I looked at Rome nervously. She blinked her face a blank expression. I looked at Zero and felt his emotion of jealousy. It was weird how I felt it. It was as if I knew he was jealous, I knew he was angry. It was a knowlegde set in my mind as true as my hair was blonde. Zero looked fiercely at Kizna. "You don't understand. Erts and I. last night we." his eyes teared with such over whelming anger. "She can't do that to him!" he hissed.
People's heads began to turn and soon murmurs began. I stumbled back, trembling. Rome touched my shoulder and I felt relaxed for the most part but still uneasy. She stepped forward and met Zero's eyes with warm smile. "Zero, you surprised me there. Your act was very amusing." She tilted her head and looked at Kizna. Some unknown message came across the two.
Kizna laughed and turned to the befuddled Zero. "Ah Zero! We've been found out!" She turned to everyone and bowed. "Thank you! Thank you ladies and gentlemen." She turned to Zero. "Zero, it is impolite not to bow after a performance." Her eyes were feirce, her words sharp though seemlingly light. Zero swallowed and laughed nervously with a bow. Kizna stood up. "Now feel free to continue eating!" She grabbed Zero and dragged him away. He glanced back at me and I looked away in discomfort, my cheeks a flare. Rome looked at everyone.
A murmur reached my ears. "Poor Erts, prey to another one of Zero's antics. An Ingrid pilot forced to level with an idiot like him." Rome led me to a table apart from everyone. She sat gracefully and non-chalantly ate, taking small pieces of her meal. I looked at my food, my appetite having fled me. Personally, I didn't remember being hungry to begin with.
"Rome. you were planing on saying something before Zero. attacked us." I said softly, the use of the term Attack light. I was still shaking a bit but every passing second I began to believe in the façade more and more. It had to have been an act. Rome was too calm and collected, Kizna was too precise. but Zero's emotions, they cut into me so harshly as if they were a sharp blade. I looked into Rome's eyes and felt the anxiety edge away. I reminded myself I wasn't Erts. Zero couldn't hold anything against him or me. if he ever recived his body back.
Rome blinked and looked down. She sighed. "When you were in Reined Klein. you told me. you said," she blushed and shook her head. She looked down at her meal and I thought back to the warmth that was the Ingrid's cockpit.
"I said you were beautiful." I whispered softly. She looked up with wide eyes. I swallowed and sighed. I smiled at her shocked expression. I reached out and touched her hand. "And you are." Her face became serene and she smiled gently.
"Thank you Erts." She whispered. She mouthed Quatre and my worries of her still hoping I was Erts Virnny Cocteau melted away. She knew I, Quatre, said it. Not Erts, not the Ingrid's influence. I meant it and I was comforted knowing at least one person knew who I was and didn't hold anything against me. One person was here to help me and understand me and comfort me. I liked Rome's presence, it didn't make me feel like I had to live up to who I'm not or to pretend. I smiled and for the first time since I had awaken. I meant it.
Appetite having returned, or better said, having first been awaken I began to eat as well.
~*~*~
I saw him sitting at the windowsill, over looking 'my' landscape. Of course I knew it wasn't truly mine. It was this Quatre whose place I was forced to take. I cleared my throat into my fist. I felt my fist tremble against my lips. He didn't start nor jump. He just turned his head toward me, his emerald eyes flickering in the morning sun beaming into the window.
I took in a shakey breath. I was nervous and had planned on pushing this confrontation until I was better prepared. But the more time that passed the less prepared to face him I felt. I had to explain, to have him see. it's not Quatre who doesn't love but me, another being in general who just didn't. love him.
"Trowa?" I asked, my voice unfamiliar to me. In my mind I chanted, like a mantra for sanity and composure, my name. Erts. I am Erts, not Quatre, therefore it can not be held against me. I prayed he'd see. I hoped he'd believe. I wished that he'd understand and accept. He nodded and I resisted a shudder as his eyes melted with love toward me.
No. Not me. Quatre. I am Erts. Trowa stood and walked toward me. I swallowed. I had no obligation to play a part. I had no reason to pretend I was who I wasn't.
"Yes, Quatre." His voice was soft as it caressed my cheek. My cheek!?!
I jumped when I realized how close we were, blushing like mad. When had he gotten that close? Was I that inwrapped in the complexity and enigma that were his eyes that I hadn't noticed the rest of him? Was this what Quatre found in him. I frowned. No. Quatre must have loved him. "I have something to say."
I sounded so frail, even to myself. Trowa's hands rested on my shoulders. His hands were warm and I felt them through the thin material of the silk shirt I wore. I felt the tremble from my hands rise up my arms and take hold. It was slight but present enough for Trowa to notice. Mistaking it for me being cold he pulled me close. My cheeks pressed against his chest, my eyes wide. His warm embrace and strong arms relaxed me but gave me a new tension. Was I allowed to take this liberty with him?
Soon Trowa's hand found my hair and I realized I was endulgiong far too much. With great resentment I stepped back. But I found in his embrace some strength. "Trowa. I have to explain something to you." I said with less difficulty. Trowa furrowed his brows.
"What Quatre?" His hand reached out and touched my cheek. I closed my eyes and began to gain a sense of composure and a sense of certainty. With each touch from him I realized, even if physically I'd very much so enjoy playing this role, my heart and soul was not in it. They longed to float into the arms and mind of another. Another more like Duo, a free spirit with a warm heart.
"You call me Quatre. You're so sure I am he because of what you see. But think with your heart and tell me. Can you still recognize me as Quatre? Can you honestly feel Quatre in me or do you see the truth. that I am not myself." Trowa looked baffled for a second and I offered a soft smile. "I awoke this morning with no memory. no idea of who I was or for that matter who you were. I awoke naked, in the arms of a stranger in a room I didn't recognize as my own. I was afraid then. I know, some how as crazy as it sounds, that I am not the one you know and love. If you truly love Quatre you'll know and believe. you'll see, Trowa."
We stood there in silence and second by second I began to loose my confidence. I was hurting him. His eyes looked disbelieving. I looked down and murmured an apology.
I am Erts. I have no obligation. I am Erts. Not Quatre. Erts. If he wouldn't see, I wouldn't pretend.
"How?" he whispered. His voice was so soft it surprised me. My eyes quickly rose to meet his, mine filled with my grief and frustration but mostly my guilt. I began to play Quatre only to push him away. Now I confused him. Now I probably scared him. for all he knew I was crazy.
Am I?
I'm hearing a female's voice in my mind.
I have no memories I feel I can call my own.
These people claim my body is one person when I feel I'm another.
Am I Erts? Or am I Quatre? I covered my face with my cold hands. I wasn't sure anymore.
I blinked and my confidence faded, shattering into sharp useless shards. I stepped from him. What made me so sure I was Erts? How could I trust myself? I knew nothing, I was sure of nothing. "I. I don't. know. I just. don't." I shook again, this time so hard it was visble. But Trowa stepped forward and embarced me. I buried my face in his soft cotton shirt. The green turtle neck I saw in his picture Duo showed me.
I remembered that much. I remembered the morning. I remembered the cold. I remembered Duo for the few hours it seemed that I knew him. I remembered feeling the warmth of Trowa, then a stranger, when I felt his stomach. Thos were memories I knew amd was sure of. But anything else was just. madness? "Quatre." Trowa whispered and I sobbed.
No.
Yes?
I didn't know. Who am I? Why aren't I sure anymore? What has this man done to me?
She said I could trust in him.
How can I when I can't even trust myself. trust in who I am?
I felt us drop to our knees. I felt my eyes drift close was I cried. How would I know? "Help me." I felt my lips mouth and what I now know as my voice speak.
Soon my cold lips met warmth. The warmth of Trowa's kiss.
I closed my eyes, tears streaming down my face.
And then a memory. One I knew was my own.
Zero.
I pulled back. "Zero. I love Zero." I stood up and blinked. "I'm Erts and I love Zero. I'm, not Quatre. I don't love you. I won't force myself to pretend I am either Quatre or in love with you. But I am willing to be your friend. If nto. then that's all I'm offering." I turned and walked out, I couldn't let him make me doubtr myself again.
He couldn't.
For I loved Zero.
~*~*~
Neh? Whaddya think of chapter 3, huh? I wanted to emotionally torment Erts, sorry ^^. I just had to somehow bring about his emotions for Zero. As for Quatre ^^ he'll get his torment NEXT chapter.