Author's Notes: Yeah, I know... there are about a million and one things I should be doing other than this right now... updating my LJ... updating my site... fixing up my site... working on those illustrations for my dad's children's stories... working on illustrations for a fic of mine... updating "Nasty Little Buggers"... working on the "Utopian Basilisks" fic for my friends... condemning Sean for saying "The Hulk" was a good movie... tsk tsk... but, as you can see, I'm not. So meh! Besides, there's no use in me trying to update another fic when I'm not in the mood for it and have my creativity bent on something else, right? Right! So... without further ado, the parody which has probably been done before but I. DON'T. CARE.

Okay, I lied, I'm still talking! Think of it this way, imagine my author's note is like the credits to the opening of "The Holy Grail" except I'm not babbling about useless moose, I'm babbling about my life. And we all know how much of an enrapturing and wonderful subject that is, right? Oh! I never told anyone about the boat I went on with my family on a tour of Toronto harbour (*yawn* *snore* BORING!!!). Lake Ontario is GREEN... but I knew that already... I've lived here all my life. Anyway, our ship's captain looked like Billy Boyd! No accent though...so he wasn't... but he looked like him! So, despite the fact I have no idea what his real name was, he is now known as "Cap'n Billeh!" *grins* By me little hobbit feet, Cap'n Billeh bought a hot dog! It was the one hot dog... TO RULE THEM ALL! Don't bother... inside joke... just keep reading along.

I just noticed I forgot to explain this fic… I guess I best be doing that now then. I don't think fanfiction.net allows for fics in which it's just speaking… so I had to stick this into a sentence structure… hopefully it'll still retain its humour. And if the writing is supposed to seem like a mockery and even corny in some parts… that is all done on purpose.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Harry Potter characters, places, or things, nor am I the owner/creator of the gags seen in the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". I own nothing! Sue me and you'll get just that.

Harry Potter and the Quest for the Golden Snitch

Chapter One: Of Ravenclaws and Coconuts

It was seven hundred and eighty seven in the year of our lord. The sun was hidden behind thick grey cloud, casting a dim shadow over the land. Typical weather for the British Isles, but to the untrained reader it was a mysterious land. Mist and fog hung in the low valleys, creating an atmosphere in which it appeared anything could happen. But anything didn't happen… something happened. Something by the name of Harry Potter.

For the sake of this story, Harry was a king. Not quite the King of England, but a high ranking king of an oblivious society, thus demanding but not receiving respect. Accompanied by his loyal fan, Colin Creevy, Harry made his way across the land in search of kinsman to join him in his celebrated court.

He rose, like a shadow through the mists, elegantly scrawny and messy haired, the infamous lightning scar emblazoned on his forehead. The clip clops of a horse could be heard, echoing through the misty valley. Out of the mists came Harry atop nothing at all. Behind him came Colin, eagerly bashing the two halves of a hollowed out coconut together. Most people would gawk at this site but fortunately no one was around.

The two boys came to a mighty stone castle which, being unimportant in the grand scheme of things, shall go unnamed. As the mist dramatically cleared, Harry looked around, halting Colin's eager coconut bashing with a raise of his hand.

"Halt! Who goes there?" Harry looked up. A gruff looking guard in robish armor of blue by the name of Roger Davies peered down the battlements at the scrawny bespectacled boy.

Harry puffed out his chest proudly. Now was his first moment to let his ego shine. "It is I!" he hollered up to Roger, "Harry, son of James, from the castle Hogwarts. King of all oppressed children, defeater of the Dark Lord, sovereign of all the magical community!"

There was a short pause as Roger looked down at the young king. He thought hard about what had just been said to him. Harry had just claimed to be king or something of the like! He took another good look at Harry before coming to a very intelligent decision. "Get away!"

"I am!" insisted Harry. "And this is my somewhat trusted servant—I mean dear fan, Colin."

"Hello!" squeaked Colin. He was quickly silenced by a meaningful glare in his direction.

"We have ridden the length and breadth of this land," continued Harry, ignoring Colin, "in search of knights who will join me in my court at Hogwarts. I must speak with your lord and master."

"Ridden?" repeated Roger incredulously. "You rode here? First of all, haven't you ever heard of a broom? And secondly, what did you ride here on?"

"A horse," came the reply.

Roger scratched his head in wonder. He saw no horse. His eyes fell upon the coconut shells Colin held in his hands. "You're using coconuts!"

"What?"

"You've got two empty shells and you're banging them together!"

Drat, he's found me out! thought Harry. No matter, just ignore it and keep your cool. You're the Boy Who Lived! No prissy Ravenclaw git is going to push you around! Harry looked up defiantly at Roger. "So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Hogsmeade."

Roger was more interested in other things though. "Where did you get the coconuts?"

"Through…" Harry paused in mid epic. "We found them."

"Found them?!" Roger leaned on the battlement in mock interest. "In Hogsmeade? The coconut's tropical!"

"What do you mean?"

Roger rolled his eyes at the Gryffindor's stupidity. "This is a temperate zone."

Harry crossed his arms, determined to match the Ravenclaw's intelligence. "The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plumber seek warmer climes in winter, yet surely these are not strangers to our land." Harry grinned, pleased at his own analogy.

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"

Harry's fists clenched, furious at being made a fool yet again. "Not at all. They could be carried."

Roger smirked with an air of superiority. "What? A swallow carry a coconut?"

"Why not?" asked Harry. "He could grip it by the husk."

"It's not a matter of where he grips it," sighed Roger. "It's a simple matter of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not hold a one pound coconut."

"Well it doesn't matter," dismissed Harry, accepting his logical defeat. "Go and tell your master that Harry from the court of Hogwarts is here."

There was a slight pause, as a few wispy clouds of mist rolled dramatically by. Harry and Colin waited expectantly for entrance to the castle to be granted. Roger, however, had other plans... rub in Harry's lack of logic.

"Look!" exclaimed Roger. "To maintain velocity a swallow needs to beat its wings four hundred and ninety three times every second. Right?"

"Please-!"

"Am I right?"

"I'm not interested!"

"It could be carried by an African swallow!" Harry turned his gaze. Roger had just been joined atop the battlements by another Ravenclaw.

"Oh yes, an African swallow maybe," agreed Roger, "but not a European swallow. That's my point."

The second Ravenclaw nodded. "Oh yes, I agree there."

A vein was beginning to throb in Harry's temple. He was quickly losing his patience. "Will you ask your master if he wants to join the knights of Hogwarts?!"

"But then of course, African swallows are non-migratory," Roger continued, completely oblivious to Harry. The second guard nodded in agreement.

Harry raised his eyes towards the heavens in disbelief. Why?! This was supposed to be easy! Out of all the castles in the world and for some unknown reason or horrible destiny, he had to pick the Ravenclaw one. Sighing, Harry motioned for Colin to follow as he turned and began his stride around the side of the castle. If the Ravenclaws didn't want to join him and preferred discussing swallows and coconuts, that was their loss. Roger and the other Ravenclaw, however, had completely forgotten Harry and his fan.

"So you see, they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway," Roger concluded.

"Wait a minute!" cried the second Ravenclaw. "Suppose two swallows carried it together?"

"No." Roger shook his head. "They'd have to have it on a line."

"Well, they could use a bit of creeper," suggested the Ravenclaw guard.

"What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?"

"Well why not?"

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I think I might do it one chapter per scene depending on how long the scene lasts. Now, for your part... review!