Author's Notes: I know it's been a while but I have another chapter for this story. What took me so long? Well aside from not finding time to get around to this, writing another story, and yet another one and... well... not always being home I was... unable to come up with an ending to this chapter. You'll see what I mean later on.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Harry Potter characters, places, or things, nor am I the owner/creator of the gags seen in the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". I own nothing! Sue me and you'll get just that.

Harry Potter and the Quest for the Golden Snitch

Chapter Five: Au secours! Ici la francais!

And so the quest for the most golden of Snitches had begun. King Harry and his knights were off in search of this sacred Quidditch ball, not realizing that they had no idea where it was they were to look. Luckily, as they were travelling the knights came to a large castle, sitting all by its lonesome in a field.

The knights rode to a halt and looked up at the stone structure. The battlements were empty and the castle looked deserted. Harry was gazing up, searching for any sign of life when an all too familiar blonde head peeked out over the battlements.

"Oh no..." groaned Harry. "Hullo, Malfoy."

"Potter." Draco Malfoy nodded curtly.

"What are you doing in a castle?" asked Harry. "Which poor soul did you hex out of it?"

"For your information, Potter," snarled Malfoy, "this castle belongs to the great Salazaar Slytherin. Therefore, I have every right to be here."

Harry shrugged. "Well then will you tell your lord Slytherin that if he gives us food and shelter for the night he's welcome to join us in our quest for the Golden Snitch."

Malfoy smiled at Harry's naivety but decided to play along. "Okay, Potter, I'll go and ask him but I doubt he'll be very keen on the idea. You see, he's already got one."

Harry and his knights were stunned. Surely there couldn't be another Golden Snitch... could there? After all, Godric Gryffindor would never have charged them in this epic quest if the token they sought after meant nothing.

Harry decided this needed clarification. "What?"

"He said they've already got one!" said Ron, trying to be helpful.

Harry looked up at Malfoy suspiciously. "Are you sure?"

"Oh yes, it's very nice!" replied Malfoy, grinning. As Harry and his knights muttered to each other in genuine confusion, Malfoy turned to his two cronies, Crabbe and Goyle, who were sitting just out of sight atop the castle walls. Malfoy looked very pleased with himself. "I told them we've already got one." Crabbe and Goyle sniggered, having no idea what Malfoy was talking about.

"Well... can we come up and have a look?" asked Harry.

"Of course not!" answered Malfoy. "You are English pigs!"

"Um... I'm Scottish!" called up Oliver. Several unseen fan girls and kilt worshippers wooed.

"Same thing, now shut up!" ordered Malfoy.

"No, we're—"

"Silence!" Oliver fell silent, confused by Malfoy's sudden slew of French. Yes, that "silence" was French, not English.

Harry scratched his head, confused. "Since when are you not English, Malfoy?"

"Your powers of observation never cease to amaze me, Potter," sighed Malfoy. "Malfoy is a French name, you silly king. Where do you think I got this outrageously fake accent?"

"What are you doing in England then?" asked Ron.

"Mind your own business!"

Harry came to the conclusion arguing with Malfoy was going to get him nowhere. It was time to threaten him. "If you do not show us the Snitch, we shall take your castle by storm!" The knights nodded in agreement.

"You don't frighten us, Gryffindor pig-dog!" sneered Malfoy. "Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Harry-king, you and all your silly k... kannnnnnnnnniggets!" He stuck out his tongue and made a rather rude gesture to Harry and his knights. Yes, Malfoy blew a dreaded raspberry.

"I always knew he was cracked," commented Ron.

"Now look here, Malfoy!" Harry glared up at the blonde Slytherin. "If you—"

"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper!" Malfoy folded his arms across his chest with an air of superiority. "I fart in your general direction! Your muzzer was a hampster and your fazzer smelt of elderberries!"

"Is there someone else up there we could talk to?" ventured Ron.

"No," replied Malfoy. "Now go away before I taunt you a second time!"

"This is your last chance!" began Harry, ignoring the nonsense Malfoy had thrown at them. "I've been more than reasonable..."

Malfoy had gotten off the battlements and turned to Crabbe and Goyle. He was grinning from ear to ear. "Fetchez la vache!" The two Neanderthals stared at Malfoy dully. They had a hard time comprehending English let alone a foreign sounding language such as French. Malfoy rolled his eyes. "It means 'fetch the cow', you idiots!" Crabbe and Goyle nodded in understanding but didn't make a move. "Get the bloody bovine!!!" As Crabbe and Goyle thundered off to retrieve the barnyard beast, Malfoy raised his eyes to the heavens pathetically. "Ah mon dieu..."

Meanwhile, Harry was still ranting down on the ground, oblivious to the fact that Malfoy had gotten up and left. "Now that is my final offer. If you are not prepared to agree to my demands I shall be forced to take... bloody hell!!!"

A cow had just been launched over the side of the castle, mooing in as menacingly a way as possible. The knights watched in horror as the cow landed and with a sickening crunch, crushed Ron's poor first year page.

Harry took a moment to compose himself but pulled out his sword nonetheless. "Right! Knights! Forward!"

They charged, swords drawn towards the castle having no intelligent plan of attack. Suddenly, though, they were besieged as a rain of assorted barnyard animals were launched over the castle walls. Clucking chickens and quacking ducks rained down on Harry and his Gryffindor knights. For the first time in recorded history, pigs flew as the French Slytherins flung them over the walls at the knights. The onslaught was too much for the Gryffindors to handle.

"Run away! Run away!" cried Harry, leading a hasty retreat into the bushes. There they crouched, waiting out the hail of animals.

Oliver was beside himself in thoughtless fury. "The sods! I'll tear them apart!"

"No, Wood!" Harry hissed, grabbing the older boy around his ankles to stop him from revealing their hiding place.

Amidst their arguing, Percy spoke up. "I have a plan, sir." Harry and Oliver stopped fighting to look at Percy.

And so Percy explained his idea in questionable detail to the other knights. Following his instructions they set to work on the required carpentry, magically acquiring all the necessary equipment in what would be a rather large plot hole if they all had not been in fact wizards. During all this work, the Slytherins watched from atop their castle with severe suspicion as to what was going on in their woods. As the day grew, a twinge of nervousness could be felt in the air. Just what were those Gryffindors up to? The knights worked hard long into the night as the Slytherins watched and waited.

Eventually dawn broke and the sun began its journey across the sky. All was silent except for the creaking sound of poorly oiled gears. Slowly the noise grew louder until the silhouetted form of a giant rabbit appeared from amongst the foliage. Behind it were a few of the knights' pages, wheeling the rabbit as stealthily as possible up to the castle door. Leaving the rabbit, the pages scuttled back into the protection of the underbrush.

It wasn't long before Crabbe and Goyle appeared, peeking out the castle front door. They looked up at the giant wooden rabbit dumbly, scratching their heads in extremely mild thought. After a moment's contemplation the two gorillas grunted at each other, pointing at the rabbit. Obviously they were trying to figure out what it was for exactly. Eventually, the conclusion was reached that it was a gift and with a great effort, they wheeled the rabbit inside. Harry and the knights watched excitedly from the bushes.

"Now what happens?" asked Harry, turning to Percy.

"Well, Oliver, Ron and I wait until nightfall," explained Percy, "and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the Slytherins not only by surprise but completely and totally unarmed!"

Harry scratched his head. "Who jumps out?"

"Er... we... Oliver, Ron, and I..." The realization of their current situation suddenly dawned on the Weasley. "We... uh... leap out of the... rabbit..." Oliver groaned and covered his eyes in exasperation. Percy was not one to be defeated though. He always had a back up plan! "Look, if we built a giant wooden badger—" He was swiftly silenced by Harry cuffing him over the head.

Sighing, Harry turned back to the Slytherin castle. They needed another plan of attack to get inside and discover if they really did have the Golden Snitch. His plotting was cut short however as there was a loud twang and the wooden rabbit they had worked so hard to build came sailing over the castle walls towards them. Scrambling to their feet, the knights turned around and fled deeper into the woods.

* * *

Meanwhile, the author had sent out want ads for someone to step in as a very reliable historian type person. Unfortunately, the turn out was less than satisfying so the author had to use her god-like powers in the world of fandom and nab a canon character to stand in. She wracked her brains for days trying to decide who would be the perfect character to stand in as a guest. Unfortunately, she came up with nothing and stuck Dumbledore in there.

Dumbledore cleared is throat and began his prepared speech. "Defeat at the castle seemed to have utterly disheartened King Harry. The ferocity of the Slytherins' taunting took him completely by surprise and Harry became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Golden Snitch were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Harry, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate and search for the Snitch individually. Now, this is what they did. No sooner had..."

As Dumbledore went on explaining the plot and giving away every small detail of the story, a very suspiciously familiar looking knight (you decide who) rode forward and, sword drawn, stabbed at Dumbledore, levelling him. There was a pause as the knight rode away, laughing at his clever and senseless deed.

"Albus!" McGonagall came racing into the clearing, looking down at the fallen headmaster in horror. Oh the humanity! Who could have done such a thing?

I apologize for anyone remotely french out there who found this offensive. Take it lightly, it's a joke. Thank you.