JUST FOR by Chirugal

Rating: K

Disclaimer: Tammy's. I'm not Tammy. Etc.

Summary: Takes place between EM and RotG.

Numair Salmalín dropped his eyes from the scene before him, knowing that if he continued to torture himself, there would be dire consequences. But, although he had faced the magical might of two black robes as strong as he was, his will was not strong enough to withstand this. Though he knew intense pain would be the price, he was unable to resist.

His dark eyes flicked up to rest on the face of his student, Veralidaine Sarrasri, and his very soul ached. The slim, dark-haired girl leaned against the fence at the other side of the courtyard, her soft, expressive lips curved into a shy smile. Her steel-blue eyes peeped from below her thick lashes, and she scuffed a booted foot in the dust. Her demeanour far from the confident, outspoken manner she exuded around him; this Daine was as timid as the mice she befriended, unable to meet the eye of the boy she conversed with. Perin, Numair thought his name was, although he had no idea how he knew. Far more important was the fact that he was definitely interested in Daine.

Less than a week ago, this detail would not have irked Numair in the slightest. Though, looking back, it probably would have. He recalled their trip to Carthak and Daine's friendship with the new Emperor, Kaddar. It had irritated him, in some small corner of his brain, but he had barely spared a thought for it. Now, however, it made perfect sense. Three days ago, as dawn had stolen over the horizon, every mage in the region had become aware of one another's activities. As he had spoken to his student, who sat in bed several buildings away, he had been blindsided by the emotion that coursed through him. For the last three years, he'd denied it – but it was true. He was in love with Daine, a girl fifteen years his junior.

Since then, he had done his best to act normally around her, but a couple of times he had caught her regarding him with thoughtful eyes, as if she were trying to puzzle out his mood. He couldn't tell her, of course – how could he? Young men of her own age – Perin's age, he reminded himself brutally – were what she needed. The knowledge made his love for her no easier to bear.

There may have been distance between himself and Daine, but Numair could still see her rising blush as Perin spoke. She nodded, and the youth's hand came to rest lightly on her cheek. Numair's blood boiled, and his hands began to ache, so tightly clenched into fists were they. He ignored the pain, but what happened next made him forget it entirely.

The clerk slipped a finger under Daine's chin, forcing her to look up into his face. Carefully, he lowered his lips to press against Daine's, and Numair's entire body went numb with the shock of it. He thought he could feel no more anguished, that his heart was already broken, but as the kiss went on, his magelet stood on tiptoe and kissed this boy-child back, and any chance Numair had of deceiving himself that she had not enjoyed it was vanquished.

Tears blurred Numair's vision, breaking the hold the scene had over him. He was torn between bitter anger at the betrayal that existed only in his mind, and the need to crawl into a hole like a hibernating animal and die. He knew that kiss would be forever imprinted on his mind, tormenting him.

Great gods, I can't take this. Were they still kissing? Great mage though he was, Numair could no more look than he could fly. Turning on his heel, he strode back the way he had come, blinking away tears and praying for the illusions of only minutes before to return.

A week passed. Daine didn't seem to notice Numair's muted distress, instead choosing to lose herself in her own thoughts – thoughts about Perin, no doubt. The only relief was that she did not wear the lovestruck expression he had assumed she would. Perhaps this was because of the frequent excursions they accompanied the Own on to the outlying villages around Corus to battle various immortals. Numair cherished the work. Without it, he would have nothing to do but torture himself.

Everything changed one cold, snowy night. Daine was more subdued than usual over the evening meal. Her eyes every so often would flit to a point across the mess, and her wince was almost visible. When she had finished her food, instead of heading over to Perin's table, as had become her habit, she left the hall immediately, drawing sympathetic gazes from her friends. Onua, the Riders' ostler, looked over to where Daine had glanced intermittently during her meal. "I take it the romance is dead, then," she said to no one in particular.

Numair followed her stare, and a mixture of comprehension, relief and anger rose within him. Perin sat with his friends amongst the clerks, his attention firmly focused on the girl of about eighteen or nineteen who sat beside him. She was no beauty, but her low-cut shirt and excessively tight breeches could not have communicated the situation better – Daine had been unwilling to offer what this girl could.

"I'm going to talk to her," he told Onua, getting up. He didn't hear her reply as he left the hall, his mind racing down the path of concern.

The door to Daine's small room below the Rider trainees' dormitory was firmly shut, a testament to her distraught state of mind. Normally, it stood open to allow animals of the smaller variety access to the comfort of Daine's 'sett', as the male badger god had once called it. Numair tapped lightly on the wood, but the only response he received was silence. "Daine?" he asked, voice tentative. "Can I come in?"

"If you like," came the reply, after a short hesitation. Numair opened the door and closed it carefully behind him. Daine lay on her stomach atop her bed, chin in her hands and elbows on her pillow. "Have you come to lecture me on relationships?" she asked, voice emotionless.

Numair sat beside her, and she rolled onto her side to give him space. Her eyes were sad, but bore no signs of weeping. Her teacher longed to reach out and trace the mouth that sloped unhappily with a finger, but had to be content with placing a hand on her shoulder and squeezing gently. His heart ached for her as he realised she must feel the way he had while witnessing that kiss a week before. "No," he answered her question. "Just to let you know I'm here if you want to talk." Daine nodded, but remained quiet. He didn't push her, but sat in silence beside her, watching the candle-light flicker and listening to her breathe.

Finally, she spoke. "Have you ever been unfaithful?" The question took him by surprise, and he shook his head. Daine looked almost disappointed. "I wondered whether you'd have felt guilty."

"Are you asking for a lecture on relationships?" Numair asked. A spark of amusement caught in her eyes, despite the situation, and he smiled back.

"I s'pose I am," Daine returned. She thought for a second, her eyes darkening again. "Have you ever had someone be unfaithful to you? I mean, if it's not too personal," she added hastily.

Numair paused. Finally, he said, "Once, maybe twice."

Sympathy flashed into her expression, followed by puzzlement. "Maybe?"

"Well, if you're not in a relationship with someone, but they find someone else when you love them, that can hurt just as much." Staying carefully generic, Numair planned out his sentence before he said it.

Daine grimaced, imagining this. She took his hand in solidarity, and he squeezed it, painfully aware of his accelerating pulse rate. "Did she know you loved her?"

Afraid his voice would betray him if he spoke, Numair shook his head and dropped his eyes from hers. Misinterpreting his expression for that of pained recollection, she shook herself. "Listen to me; now I've made you feel as bad as me."

Numair looked up and smiled at her apologetic face. If only she knew… "Do you want me to kill him for you?" he asked, referring to Perin.

Daine's face morphed into her first genuine smile that day. "Killing's fair excessive," she chided him. "Could you turn him into a tree?"

Glad she still had her sense of humour, Numair played along. "No, you've seen me do that one. I've always wanted to show you how I can curse a man with a thousand years of bad dreams."

Daine sat up, eyes gleaming with mischievous amusement. "He doesn't like spiders. Make them spider dreams."

Several minutes passed before they exhausted this line of conversation. Then Daine asked, "Who was the other woman that was unfaithful to you?"

Numair snorted. "You met her. Varice Kingsford." Daine shuddered, but managed to look properly contrite at the same time. "Don't worry. I was getting tired of her nattering by that point, anyway."

Daine giggled. "I know the feeling. Perin–" Her face clouded again, and she continued shakily, "- he'd say anything he thought would get me to go to bed with him."

Once again, Numair's anger flared, and this time she saw it. "I wish I could get angry like that. But I just feel too…" she trailed off, and looked away. When she turned again, he saw the glimmer of tears at last.

"Oh, Daine…" Instinctively, Numair pulled her close, wanting nothing more than to magic her hurts away. That was one thing his Gift was incapable of. He did not realise until she had calmed and pulled back from him that he was holding her as he would a lover, lips pressed against her hair, one hand stroking through her curls, the other arm around her shoulders as they sat together on her bed. Daine's expression as she looked at him now told him he needn't have bothered structuring his sentences so that she wouldn't guess his feelings for her. She had correctly interpreted them through nothing but his touch, and now stared at him with a kind of wonder.

"Daine–" Numair began, inwardly terrified. She would turn from him; there was no doubt in his mind about that. He had no business feeling this way for her, she would think. It was just plain wrong.

"That was me you were talking about." Understanding dawned, and she looked ahead without seeming to see, her brain cutting off her senses as it worked overtime. Speaking slowly, she thought aloud. "And why you wouldn't look at me straight the entire time I was with him…" She seemed to snap back into herself, and her eyes met his. Instead of the disgust he expected, the wonder lingered in them. "You said 'love'."

Numair drew in a breath, refusing to nurture the tiny seed of hope in his heart. "Yes." He watched her, watching him, and forced himself into a semblance of calm. I should go. The words never made it to his lips. Daine hesitantly reached out for him again, placing her hand on his shoulder, a finger stroking the flesh at his collarbone. Numair closed his eyes to hide the desire that flared within him at her touch, and his own confusion. What did this mean? His mind once again recalled the sudden realisation of his love for her, and his hope flared. Could she be having the same insight? "Daine, no." It killed him to say it, but he had to.

She pulled away, hurt clear on her beautiful features. "Why?" She bit her lip. "I thought you–"

"I do." He couldn't say it forcefully enough. "Just… if you feel the same, wait a while. I need to know that you're not with me to teach Perin a lesson, or because you're lonely." She opened her mouth to protest, closed it again. His logic filtered in, and she nodded. "I'm sorry, magelet." He took her hand, and Daine leaned against him, cheek pressed against his shoulder. Numair couldn't move away, although he knew he should. His arms betrayed him, reaching around her once more to hug her to him. She sighed, content despite the traumas of the day, and snuggled closer. Minutes passed, and Daine's breathing became deep and even. Recognising that she was asleep, Numair carefully settled her onto her bed, covering her with a blanket before quietly leaving the room.