Time Initiating Device
Chapter One - Marle McFly's Dilemma
---
In the Guardia Forest, Crono stands over about a zillion corpses of the enemies that have been on an endless barrage of fruitless attacks to the silent hero. By the time Crono reached the end of the forest, the baddies were just running toward him and laying down!
Crono: (You know, for a forest around the castle of our Kingdom, you'd think they'd have at least one secure road, guarded by the military that is funded by the ridiculous taxes levied on us. Maybe I'm in the era before TAXES WERE INVENTED? WHOOO)
Crono finally reached the palace gates, when he was stopped by two guards.
Guard #1: Look at this kid's hair!
Guard #2: Hah! Show us your stamp collection!
Crono: ?
Guard #1: Stamps... You know?
Crono: (I was under the impression that they hadn't been invented yet.)
Guard #2: Why are you sitting there silently? Oh I get it, you're a mime!
Crono does some "mime" movements. Such as, reaching for his sword, and slashing the two guards.
Queen: Oh my! Crono, I was supposed to call them off you!
Crono: (Whatever. Who are you?)
Queen: Come up to my room and I'll tell you who I am.
Crono: (No matter what era I might travel too... Prostitution, the oldest career choice in the world.)
---
The Queen's room...
Crono: (Ok, how much?)
Queen: Heh, hey Crono, it's me Marle!
Crono: (You mean the dense broad from earlier who 'bumped into me' like I was a quarterback on the other team? Oh well, you'll do.)
Marle: Everyone here thinks I'm Queen!
Crono: (Let me just get that gown off you...)
Marle: Crono, are you listening to me? Wa-AHHHH!
Crono: (I haven't even touched you yet, bitch.)
Suddenly, in a flash of light, Marle disappears!
Crono: (Grr, I was so close to actually getting laid...)
Crono leaves the Queen's room, and is shocked to see some of the maids and guards watching him.
Guard: Heh, how was she?
Maid: Ooooh, the King's going to kill youuuu...
One of the Maid's peaked inside of the room as Crono sneaked away.
Maid: Wow, he screwed her so hard she was ripped from the mortal plane!
---
In the court of the castle...
King: Hey Crono, what happened up there?
Crono ran straight past him and out of the castle.
King: Damn you Crono! I may be like 80 years old, but you'll never stop me from banging my teenage wife!
---
Crono ran and hid in some Cathedral, knowing that soon Guardia's military will be all over him like a naked Queen Zeal on Lavos.
Crono: (Whew, they'll never find me in here, despite that it's the only shelter in the immediate area of the direction I just ran!)
Nun: Bwahaha! Welcome to our... Church...
Crono: (NUNS!)
Crono slashes them all dead with his sword, when Lucca runs into the Cathedral.
Lucca: Crono, you were supposed to meet me in the castle! Arrgh, stop messing up the script.
Crono: (Ok, whatever. How did you get here?)
Lucca: Hello? Are you listening to me?
Crono: (You know I can't speak until... The right moment...)
Lucca: We need to find Marle, for as she is really THE PRINCESS OF GUARDIA IN OUR TIME! You see, the real Queen Leene was captured in this time, and because they found Marle, they stopped looking for blah blah
Crono: (Urge to kill... RISING...)
Lucca: ...and now that Marle is dead...
Crono: (....fading...)
Lucca: ...but we can revive her...
Crono: (...RISING....)
Lucca: ...though I don't know where we can find Queen Leene...
Crono: (....fading...fading...gone.)
Lucca: ..Alright?
Crono nods, when suddenly a NAGA-ETTE rises out of nowhere!
Naga: Ohohohoho! Is that you Lina Inverse?
Lucca: VILE BEAST! DIE!
Lucca shoots the Naga-ette with a mysteriously ahead of times gun, but Naga dodges the bullets in a spectacle of Matrix effects.
Lucca: We are screwed.
Out of nowhere, a frog comes and slashes the Naga-ette dead.
Crono: (Well, at least he's more handsome than Lucca.)
Frog: Thine guard has been lefted down, maiden!
Lucca: Ack! A talking frog! In a world where little imps kidnap Queens, robots being built by people living under monarchies, and hamburgers eat people, I'm somehow suprised!
Frog: Looking for thy maiden Queen Leene, I am. Ask may I, who is thee?
Lucca: I'm Lucca, he's Crono. We're from the future and we are killing people.
Frog: Interesting! Frog will do, for thy monicre.
Crono: (Whatever, let's find Queen Leene and leave already. We can leave Marle here too.)
Frog: The spikey haired lad tis silent, is he not?
Lucca: He's waiting for 'The Right Moment' or something. Whatever, we need to find Queen Leene and leave already. We can leave Marle here too.... Wait, we got too take her.
Crono: (Damn it!)
Crono picks up the mutilated corpse of the Naga-ette and body slams it onto a nearby church organ. It suddenly plays a crappy musical number, and a door opens out of nowhere.
Frog: Tis the entrance!
The party of three run into the bowels of the Church, but not before going through the stomach and small intestient, slaughtering any Naga-ettes, Grunts, Imps, Pimps, Villi, Stomach Acid, or half-digested Sea Food. Finally, they reach the back room of the church.
Chancellor: Bwahaha! With me disguised as the Chancellor, I will be able to assume roughly .01% of the power of the Guardia Kingdom! And too top it off, I captured Queen Leene!
Lucca: Oh my God! The Chancellor is a turn coat!
Chancellor: Not exactly, you see... I am not the Chancellor... I am....
Frog: Yakra?
Chancellor: No... LAVOS!
The chancellor turns into Lavos and slaughters the entire party barely 3 seconds into battle.
Lucca: Arrrghh... Killed by a villain we haven't even discovered yet...
Crono: (Damn, I'm going to die without the Right Moment coming...)
Frog: Wait a tick...
Frog pulls off the Lavos costume to reveal.... YAKRA!
Yakra: Bwahaha! It doesn't matter, I killed you all anyways!
Crono and his party get up and dust themselves off.
Lucca: Made you look!
Yakra: What the? NOOOO!
Lucca: You aren't the real Yakra either...
Lucca pulls off Yakra's costume to reveal... QUEEN LEENE!
Queen Leene: Arrrgh... Ok, you got me. I have no more masks.
Lucca pulls off Leene's mask to reveal... Gato! No... Mike Tyson! No wait... Crono's mom! No, not again... Illidan! Hey, wait, you aren't supposed to be here... It's really... YAKRA!?!?!?
Yakra: God damn, that was a waste of time.
Lucca: OH MY GOD, IT WAS YAKRA ALL ALONG!?
Frog: TIS THE ULTIMATE SWERVE!
Yakra: Alright, kill me already.
Crono: (With pleasure.)
Crono slashes Yakra accross the FACE, causing Yakra to disappear in an array of special SNES effects.
Crono: (Quite an exit for the first boss of the game.)
Lucca: If that wasn't the Chancellor, then where is the real Chancellor?
Frog pulls off his mask to reveal the CHANCELLOR!
Lucca: What the hell?
Then Crono pulls off his mask to reveal QUEEN LEENE!
Lucca: DAMN IT!
Queen Leene: We're sorry for playing you for fools, but it was Crono's plan after all...
Lucca: And how did you get such a plan from a person who never speaks?
Chancellor: We had him write it down.
Lucca: Arrgh, why didn't I think of that.
Lucca finds two nearby treasure chests and opens them up, revealing Crono and Frog.
Frog: Is that vile beast Yakra slain?
Lucca: Yes, no thanks to you. Crono, what happened!?
Crono: (You know I can't tell you.)
Lucca: Write it down.
Crono: (That'd be cheating...)
Lucca: DO IT!
Crono: (I have my codes of honor.)
Lucca: Grrr.... Hey, Queen Leene, how'd you get him to write it down?
Queen Leene: Ok, ok, I didn't.
Lucca: Then WHAT HAPPENED!?!!?!?
Frog: Whilst you were pulling off the amany masks of Yakra, I find thy Queen and the Chancellor behelded in the chests.
Chancellor: Ok, Ok. We thought they were Magus's minions, because one was a friggin' frog, and the other was a silent Gokou lookalike with red hair... Who wouldn't want to lock these too up into darkness so that they could not unleash their horrors upon the world?
Crono: (Asshole.)
Crono lunges for his sword, while the Chancellor squeals and runs like hell. Everyone laughs.
---
At the palace...
King: How can I ever repay you for saving thy kingdom, Crono?
Crono points to Queen Leene.
King: No.
Lucca: Well, at least we stopped Magus and his troops.
Frog: Stopped? The shroud of the dark side has fallen. Begun, the magus war has.
King: Who the hell let this bum back in..?
Frog: Foolish King, one day, my Masamune will plunge deep into thee dark heart of thine corruption!
Frog runs off, while Marle appears out of nowhere.
Marle: Oooh no, it was so horrible Crono! It was dark, and cold, and there was no cosmetics!
Crono: (Can we get our freak on already!?)
King: Be lucky you found such a handsome... young... tender... barely-through-puberty lass... *licks lips*
Lucca: Arrgh, sicko.
King: Oh shut up, wench, you probably don't even have a distinct sex!
Lord Garithos: DID SOMEBODY SAY SEX!?!!?
The sitcom audience cheers once again as Garithos makes his way into the courtroom.
Lucca: Not ANOTHER one...
King: Smithers, who is that man?
Chancellor: Uhh, it's Garithos. You know, from the Antarctic Toilet of Warcraft 3 fame.
King: Excellent.... *twindles fingers*
Garithos: Anyways... I've done my service to the King well, I've killed over 300 Risen Skeletons today! All thanks to my experience in handling them!
Guard: Uhh, first off, you got owned COUNTLESS times by the Undead in Warcraft 3. And besides, the only risen skeleton you've killed is the one we have chained up and sedated in the dungeon. You know, the one that comes back every time it dies... Reminds me of.. YOU...
Garithos: ...yes... He managed to get me a few times too.
King: Ok, whatever. You can stay, as long as you die in the most comedically ways. Crono and friends, I hereby award you with 823337983 gold-
Chancellor: Uhh, they left sir.
---
Back in 1000 AD
Lucca: Well, that was fun, but kind of pointless... Almost like it setting us up for a grander scheme of things.
Crono: (I just hope my experiences in that hell hole will replace my nightmares that I've been having after walking in on you in the shower, with one of your "private" inventions.)
Marle: Tweheee! I didn't get to do a damn thing! Crono, walk me home please!
Crono: (May as well start on a clean slate. I mean, what's the worst that could happen if I showed up in our extreme corrupt seat of national power with one of the royal figures that I've been gone with for the past few hours?)
To be continued...
Chapter One - Marle McFly's Dilemma
---
In the Guardia Forest, Crono stands over about a zillion corpses of the enemies that have been on an endless barrage of fruitless attacks to the silent hero. By the time Crono reached the end of the forest, the baddies were just running toward him and laying down!
Crono: (You know, for a forest around the castle of our Kingdom, you'd think they'd have at least one secure road, guarded by the military that is funded by the ridiculous taxes levied on us. Maybe I'm in the era before TAXES WERE INVENTED? WHOOO)
Crono finally reached the palace gates, when he was stopped by two guards.
Guard #1: Look at this kid's hair!
Guard #2: Hah! Show us your stamp collection!
Crono: ?
Guard #1: Stamps... You know?
Crono: (I was under the impression that they hadn't been invented yet.)
Guard #2: Why are you sitting there silently? Oh I get it, you're a mime!
Crono does some "mime" movements. Such as, reaching for his sword, and slashing the two guards.
Queen: Oh my! Crono, I was supposed to call them off you!
Crono: (Whatever. Who are you?)
Queen: Come up to my room and I'll tell you who I am.
Crono: (No matter what era I might travel too... Prostitution, the oldest career choice in the world.)
---
The Queen's room...
Crono: (Ok, how much?)
Queen: Heh, hey Crono, it's me Marle!
Crono: (You mean the dense broad from earlier who 'bumped into me' like I was a quarterback on the other team? Oh well, you'll do.)
Marle: Everyone here thinks I'm Queen!
Crono: (Let me just get that gown off you...)
Marle: Crono, are you listening to me? Wa-AHHHH!
Crono: (I haven't even touched you yet, bitch.)
Suddenly, in a flash of light, Marle disappears!
Crono: (Grr, I was so close to actually getting laid...)
Crono leaves the Queen's room, and is shocked to see some of the maids and guards watching him.
Guard: Heh, how was she?
Maid: Ooooh, the King's going to kill youuuu...
One of the Maid's peaked inside of the room as Crono sneaked away.
Maid: Wow, he screwed her so hard she was ripped from the mortal plane!
---
In the court of the castle...
King: Hey Crono, what happened up there?
Crono ran straight past him and out of the castle.
King: Damn you Crono! I may be like 80 years old, but you'll never stop me from banging my teenage wife!
---
Crono ran and hid in some Cathedral, knowing that soon Guardia's military will be all over him like a naked Queen Zeal on Lavos.
Crono: (Whew, they'll never find me in here, despite that it's the only shelter in the immediate area of the direction I just ran!)
Nun: Bwahaha! Welcome to our... Church...
Crono: (NUNS!)
Crono slashes them all dead with his sword, when Lucca runs into the Cathedral.
Lucca: Crono, you were supposed to meet me in the castle! Arrgh, stop messing up the script.
Crono: (Ok, whatever. How did you get here?)
Lucca: Hello? Are you listening to me?
Crono: (You know I can't speak until... The right moment...)
Lucca: We need to find Marle, for as she is really THE PRINCESS OF GUARDIA IN OUR TIME! You see, the real Queen Leene was captured in this time, and because they found Marle, they stopped looking for blah blah
Crono: (Urge to kill... RISING...)
Lucca: ...and now that Marle is dead...
Crono: (....fading...)
Lucca: ...but we can revive her...
Crono: (...RISING....)
Lucca: ...though I don't know where we can find Queen Leene...
Crono: (....fading...fading...gone.)
Lucca: ..Alright?
Crono nods, when suddenly a NAGA-ETTE rises out of nowhere!
Naga: Ohohohoho! Is that you Lina Inverse?
Lucca: VILE BEAST! DIE!
Lucca shoots the Naga-ette with a mysteriously ahead of times gun, but Naga dodges the bullets in a spectacle of Matrix effects.
Lucca: We are screwed.
Out of nowhere, a frog comes and slashes the Naga-ette dead.
Crono: (Well, at least he's more handsome than Lucca.)
Frog: Thine guard has been lefted down, maiden!
Lucca: Ack! A talking frog! In a world where little imps kidnap Queens, robots being built by people living under monarchies, and hamburgers eat people, I'm somehow suprised!
Frog: Looking for thy maiden Queen Leene, I am. Ask may I, who is thee?
Lucca: I'm Lucca, he's Crono. We're from the future and we are killing people.
Frog: Interesting! Frog will do, for thy monicre.
Crono: (Whatever, let's find Queen Leene and leave already. We can leave Marle here too.)
Frog: The spikey haired lad tis silent, is he not?
Lucca: He's waiting for 'The Right Moment' or something. Whatever, we need to find Queen Leene and leave already. We can leave Marle here too.... Wait, we got too take her.
Crono: (Damn it!)
Crono picks up the mutilated corpse of the Naga-ette and body slams it onto a nearby church organ. It suddenly plays a crappy musical number, and a door opens out of nowhere.
Frog: Tis the entrance!
The party of three run into the bowels of the Church, but not before going through the stomach and small intestient, slaughtering any Naga-ettes, Grunts, Imps, Pimps, Villi, Stomach Acid, or half-digested Sea Food. Finally, they reach the back room of the church.
Chancellor: Bwahaha! With me disguised as the Chancellor, I will be able to assume roughly .01% of the power of the Guardia Kingdom! And too top it off, I captured Queen Leene!
Lucca: Oh my God! The Chancellor is a turn coat!
Chancellor: Not exactly, you see... I am not the Chancellor... I am....
Frog: Yakra?
Chancellor: No... LAVOS!
The chancellor turns into Lavos and slaughters the entire party barely 3 seconds into battle.
Lucca: Arrrghh... Killed by a villain we haven't even discovered yet...
Crono: (Damn, I'm going to die without the Right Moment coming...)
Frog: Wait a tick...
Frog pulls off the Lavos costume to reveal.... YAKRA!
Yakra: Bwahaha! It doesn't matter, I killed you all anyways!
Crono and his party get up and dust themselves off.
Lucca: Made you look!
Yakra: What the? NOOOO!
Lucca: You aren't the real Yakra either...
Lucca pulls off Yakra's costume to reveal... QUEEN LEENE!
Queen Leene: Arrrgh... Ok, you got me. I have no more masks.
Lucca pulls off Leene's mask to reveal... Gato! No... Mike Tyson! No wait... Crono's mom! No, not again... Illidan! Hey, wait, you aren't supposed to be here... It's really... YAKRA!?!?!?
Yakra: God damn, that was a waste of time.
Lucca: OH MY GOD, IT WAS YAKRA ALL ALONG!?
Frog: TIS THE ULTIMATE SWERVE!
Yakra: Alright, kill me already.
Crono: (With pleasure.)
Crono slashes Yakra accross the FACE, causing Yakra to disappear in an array of special SNES effects.
Crono: (Quite an exit for the first boss of the game.)
Lucca: If that wasn't the Chancellor, then where is the real Chancellor?
Frog pulls off his mask to reveal the CHANCELLOR!
Lucca: What the hell?
Then Crono pulls off his mask to reveal QUEEN LEENE!
Lucca: DAMN IT!
Queen Leene: We're sorry for playing you for fools, but it was Crono's plan after all...
Lucca: And how did you get such a plan from a person who never speaks?
Chancellor: We had him write it down.
Lucca: Arrgh, why didn't I think of that.
Lucca finds two nearby treasure chests and opens them up, revealing Crono and Frog.
Frog: Is that vile beast Yakra slain?
Lucca: Yes, no thanks to you. Crono, what happened!?
Crono: (You know I can't tell you.)
Lucca: Write it down.
Crono: (That'd be cheating...)
Lucca: DO IT!
Crono: (I have my codes of honor.)
Lucca: Grrr.... Hey, Queen Leene, how'd you get him to write it down?
Queen Leene: Ok, ok, I didn't.
Lucca: Then WHAT HAPPENED!?!!?!?
Frog: Whilst you were pulling off the amany masks of Yakra, I find thy Queen and the Chancellor behelded in the chests.
Chancellor: Ok, Ok. We thought they were Magus's minions, because one was a friggin' frog, and the other was a silent Gokou lookalike with red hair... Who wouldn't want to lock these too up into darkness so that they could not unleash their horrors upon the world?
Crono: (Asshole.)
Crono lunges for his sword, while the Chancellor squeals and runs like hell. Everyone laughs.
---
At the palace...
King: How can I ever repay you for saving thy kingdom, Crono?
Crono points to Queen Leene.
King: No.
Lucca: Well, at least we stopped Magus and his troops.
Frog: Stopped? The shroud of the dark side has fallen. Begun, the magus war has.
King: Who the hell let this bum back in..?
Frog: Foolish King, one day, my Masamune will plunge deep into thee dark heart of thine corruption!
Frog runs off, while Marle appears out of nowhere.
Marle: Oooh no, it was so horrible Crono! It was dark, and cold, and there was no cosmetics!
Crono: (Can we get our freak on already!?)
King: Be lucky you found such a handsome... young... tender... barely-through-puberty lass... *licks lips*
Lucca: Arrgh, sicko.
King: Oh shut up, wench, you probably don't even have a distinct sex!
Lord Garithos: DID SOMEBODY SAY SEX!?!!?
The sitcom audience cheers once again as Garithos makes his way into the courtroom.
Lucca: Not ANOTHER one...
King: Smithers, who is that man?
Chancellor: Uhh, it's Garithos. You know, from the Antarctic Toilet of Warcraft 3 fame.
King: Excellent.... *twindles fingers*
Garithos: Anyways... I've done my service to the King well, I've killed over 300 Risen Skeletons today! All thanks to my experience in handling them!
Guard: Uhh, first off, you got owned COUNTLESS times by the Undead in Warcraft 3. And besides, the only risen skeleton you've killed is the one we have chained up and sedated in the dungeon. You know, the one that comes back every time it dies... Reminds me of.. YOU...
Garithos: ...yes... He managed to get me a few times too.
King: Ok, whatever. You can stay, as long as you die in the most comedically ways. Crono and friends, I hereby award you with 823337983 gold-
Chancellor: Uhh, they left sir.
---
Back in 1000 AD
Lucca: Well, that was fun, but kind of pointless... Almost like it setting us up for a grander scheme of things.
Crono: (I just hope my experiences in that hell hole will replace my nightmares that I've been having after walking in on you in the shower, with one of your "private" inventions.)
Marle: Tweheee! I didn't get to do a damn thing! Crono, walk me home please!
Crono: (May as well start on a clean slate. I mean, what's the worst that could happen if I showed up in our extreme corrupt seat of national power with one of the royal figures that I've been gone with for the past few hours?)
To be continued...