"Teenage Wasteland"
Special thanks to Kyla, who gave me great beta feedback, and Kate, who read through this dreg before I put it up, and who just rocks in general.
Announcer: Previously on Gilmore Girls…
[Cut to RORY and JESS in the truck at the elder Gilmore residence]
RORY: We're not going. Just…turn. Turn around.
JESS: Okay. [He turns, and they leave. RORY looks over her shoulder at the house]
[Cut to RORY and DEAN standing on the sidewalk]
RORY: So… [RORY tilts her head when she sees a pretty girl walk up from behind DEAN. She puts her arm around his waist, and he turns to her and kisses her forehead]
DEAN: Oh, ah, Rory, this is Sarah.
RORY: H-hi. [She extends her hand]
[Cut to JESS at Luke's counter, talking on the phone]
JESS: Hello.
LIZ: Hello. [Long pause] How are you?
JESS: [Sarcastically] Practically on cloud nine.
[Cut to LORELAI at the Inn's desk, on the phone]
LORELAI: Never mind. The bottom line here is that I am her mother. I get to make the decision whether or not she is hanging out with the right people. You do not.
EMILY: But I can pay for her schooling?
LORELAI: You know, Mom, it's okay to hang that over my head, but not Rory's.
EMILY: Well, is she's so mature, she should be able to handle it.
LORELAI: What is wrong with you? You love this girl. Don't do this to her.
[Cut to RORY and PARIS in the hall]
PARIS: At first, yeah, I thought it would be horrible, going to the same college. But the more I thought about it, I figured, maybe it'd be nice to have someone I knew there, even if I hated them. And then I stopped totally hating you, and I thought maybe I'd have some sort of acquaintance to go to the cafeteria with or eat pizza with. But now there's not going to be anyone I know there.
[Cut to RORY and LORELAI at the kitchen counter]
LORELAI: It sucks that at seventeen, you have someone you can talk to…someone that isn't related to you.
RORY: You're…
LORELAI: …jealous.
[Cut to RORY and JESS on the bridge]
JESS: Fine, whatever. You wanna be mad? Go, be mad. But don't whine to me until you get it straight yourself.
RORY: [Yelling] Fine!
JESS: Yeah, fine.
RORY: Fine! [She turns on her heel and runs toward home]
JESS: [Quietly, to himself] Fine.
[JESS stands at the end of the bridge and stares after her]
[Cut to RORY and JESS at RORY'S bedroom window]
JESS: I'll tell you. I'm just not used to this whole serious relationship thing.
RORY: Oh, so we're serious?
JESS: [Grins] Seriously.
[Cut to RICHARD and EMILY]
RICHARD: I based my plans on seeing her at that party. Those fell through. These will fall through accordingly.
EMILY: Richard, you love this little girl.
[Cut to CHRISTOPHER and LORELAI in LORELAI'S kitchen]
LORELAI: I've told you this before, Christopher. You can't come in and out of our lives as you please. Last time, you promised you would be a lasting presence, and you couldn't keep it, and that was the last time. I can't take it anymore, and neither can Rory. I think it would be best if you just left.
CHRISTOPHER: Sherry isn't coming back, Lorelai.
[Cut to LUKE and LORELAI at Luke's]
LORELAI: Luke?
LUKE: Yes?
LORELAI: It's nice…knowing you'll always be there.
LUKE: [Pauses] Likewise.
[Open to Luke's. RORY and JESS are upstairs, studying]
RORY: Name the four faces on Mount Rushmore.
JESS: This is insane. The SAT is not random trivia.
RORY: This isn't random trivia.
JESS: Well, it's also not a question on the SAT.
RORY: It could be.
JESS: Oh? What, geographical trivia in the middle of the math section?
RORY: You need to be prepared.
JESS: I am prepared, if it's ever a question on Jeopardy!
RORY: Well?
JESS: Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, Roosevelt.
RORY: Very good.
JESS: [Narrows his eyes] You just wanted to see if I knew.
RORY: It's a legitimate question!
JESS: Right. [JESS rolls his eyes, then cracks an SAT study book. RORY watches him] Yes?
RORY: Does this mean my services have been refused?
JESS: I'll ask you if I ever need a study buddy for "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire."
RORY: They canceled that show.
JESS: Exactly.
RORY: [Rolls her eyes] Thanks a lot.
JESS: [Suggestively] I think you're more of a distraction than anything else.
RORY: [Blushes] Right. Okay. Uh, I should be heading home anyway. I need to get ready for the grandparents dinner.
JESS: You made up?
RORY: I talked with my grandpa.
JESS: And…
RORY: And we didn't really talk directly about the party, but we talked.
JESS: That's good.
RORY: I don't think he's pleased with me, though.
JESS: I'm not fit for his little debutante?
RORY: [Gives him a look] Quit that.
JESS: Quit what?
RORY: You know what.
JESS: Talking? That would make our study sessions a little smoother. But there are a lot of things two people can do that don't involve talking.
RORY: Putting yourself down.
JESS: Oh, that.
RORY: Yes, that. [Checks her watch] I really should go. [Haughtily] I have my own studies, you know.
JESS: Far be it for me to hold you back from your academic glory.
RORY: Okay. [She stands up and walks around the table to kiss him. He wraps his hand around her neck and starts to deepen the kiss when the apartment door bangs open and shut. LUKE walks in]
LUKE: Ah, geez!
RORY: [Breaks away suddenly] Luke! Hi. I was just…leaving.
LUKE: Right.
RORY: Right. [To JESS] Um, I'll talk to you later?
JESS: Yup.
RORY: Okay. Bye, Luke. Bye, Jess. [She exits the apartment quickly]
LUKE: So, you were…
JESS: Studying.
LUKE: Jess, I think we need to talk.
JESS: Talk? Like on Oprah?
LUKE: Shut up.
JESS: Kind of defeats the purpose of talking, if you ask me.
LUKE: Look, Jess…[LUKE gestures as he thinks]
JESS: Look at what?
LUKE: Rory's a really…really nice girl, and, uh, I don't want that to change.
JESS: [Flatly] And you think I'm going to.
LUKE: Well, not necessarily, but she…she really likes you, Jess. And she's a little, uh, naïve about certain things.
JESS: [Rolls his eyes] You know, I think I've gotten this talk from about fifteen people now.
LUKE: Well, then you'll just have to sit through it again. Rory means a lot to me, and I don't want her hurt.
JESS: God, you and this whole damn town!
LUKE: What?
JESS: You all think I'm on some sick mission to tear her apart!
LUKE: No!
JESS: No?
LUKE: No. I know you wouldn't purposely hurt her. But Rory doesn't know people like you.
JESS: People like me?
LUKE: You know…people who haven't always been surrounded by people that love them.
JESS: And this would lead me to hurt her…how?
LUKE: Look, just don't, okay?
JESS: Great talk.
LUKE: And Lorelai is watching you with an industrial-grade microscope.
JESS: This isn't new information.
LUKE: All right, all right. Just one more thing. She's, you know…inexperienced.
JESS: Oh, Jesus.
LUKE: Take it slow, okay?
JESS: [Stands] I need to go wash my ears out.
LUKE: Jess! Do you understand?
JESS: [Walking towards the bathroom] I got it. [JESS slams the door. LUKE stares at the door for a while, then shakes his head and goes out the apartment door]
[Opening credits]
[First commercial break]
[Open to RICHARD and EMILY'S house. RORY and LORELAI are standing on the front steps]
LORELAI: You ready?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: I'll help. Have you ever been attacked by man-eating centipedes?
RORY: I can't say that I have.
LORELAI: Now you'll know what it feels like.
RORY: And this is helping…how?
LORELAI: Just the facts, kid.
RORY: Thanks a lot, Danny DeVito.
LORELAI: No problem, Russell Crowe.
RORY: It's not going to be that bad.
LORELAI: [Laughs shortly] You're disillusioned, my friend.
RORY: We already had our screaming match. In fact, there was hardly a screaming match. One hang-up, an apology, and now here we are.
LORELAI: That's the tip of the iceberg. Then comes the years of blackmail and humiliation.
RORY: Just ring the bell.
LORELAI: It's your funeral.
RORY: [After a pause] Centipedes?
LORELAI: Your grandfather—[EMILY yanks the door open] Hi, Mom.
EMILY: Your grandfather what?
LORELAI: Has excellent taste in women.
EMILY: You're so crude, Lorelai. Come in. [RORY and LORELAI enter] Your father will be a little late this evening.
LORELAI: Hit going down?
EMILY: Your gibberish has ceased to penetrate my ears. He is finishing up a job at the firm and will be here thirty minutes late. If we're lucky.
RORY: So business is good.
EMILY: Splendid. We're pleased.
RORY: I bet.
EMILY: What would you like to drink? Soda?
RORY: That's fine.
EMILY: Lorelai?
LORELAI: Ah, wine, Mom.
EMILY: Red or white?
LORELAI: It doesn't matter.
EMILY: You've managed to narrow it down this far, Lorelai, you might as well decide between white and red.
LORELAI: White, please.
EMILY: Very well. [She pours the drinks] How is school, Rory?
RORY: It's good. It's busy. I've got the SAT's coming up.
EMILY: Are you nervous?
RORY: Oh, well, a little. But I studied.
EMILY: You'll do well. [Pause] And your…boyfriend?
RORY: He's fine.
EMILY: He hasn't crashed any cars lately I take it?
LORELAI: Mom.
RORY: Nope, all the cars in Stars Hollow are intact.
EMILY: And his cigarette addiction?
LORELAI: Mom, stop it.
EMILY: I'm just trying to gather information about the boy my granddaughter has chosen to spend her time with, Lorelai.
LORELAI: No, you're not. You're badgering her.
EMILY: I am not.
LORELAI: Oh, yes, you are. Quit.
RORY: He's studying for the SAT, too.
EMILY: [Sarcastically] That's very redeeming.
LORELAI: Stop it right now, Mom.
EMILY: I'm merely asking the questions you should have asked, Lorelai.
LORELAI: I asked questions, Mother.
EMILY: Like what?
LORELAI: I asked, okay, Mom? Do you honestly think that I would let Rory run around with some boy who—
RICHARD: [off-screen] Hello!
EMILY: [Surprised] Richard! You're home early.
RICHARD: The deal went faster than I anticipated. Hello, Rory.
RORY: Hi, Grandpa.
RICHARD: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Dad.
RICHARD: How is everyone?
LORELAI: Can't you see my skin just glowing?
RORY: We're fine. How are you, Grandpa?
RICHARD: I'm doing fine, Rory, thank you.
EMILY: I should go tell Marcella that dinner should be served now. [Exits]
RICHARD: How is school, Rory?
RORY: It's good. I was telling Grandma that I'm preparing for the SAT's.
RICHARD: You're studying well, I hope.
RORY: Oh, yes.
RICHARD: Good. I'm sure Dean Whitley will be impressed with your scores.
RORY: I hope so.
RICHARD: How is the inn, Lorelai?
LORELAI: It's fine. We almost went under last week, but then we fixed the leak.
RICHARD: That is a joke, I presume.
LORELAI: Nothing I ever say is taken seriously, anyway.
RORY: [Shoots LORELAI a look] So, Grandpa, your business is doing well too.
RICHARD: Yes, yes, quite well. I should have you come by someday and see it in action.
RORY: That'd be fun.
RICHARD: It's a deal.
EMILY: [Walking into living room] Dinner's ready.
RICHARD: Wonderful. Shall we? [He offers his arm to EMILY and she takes it. RORY falls back to walk by LORELAI]
RORY: What are you doing?
LORELAI: What?
RORY: All those sarcastic remarks?
LORELAI: I'm just in a bad mood.
RORY: You weren't five minutes ago.
LORELAI: Oh, shocking.
RORY: Look, you're making it difficult.
LORELAI: They're making it difficult.
RORY: Please, refrain.
LORELAI: [Sighs] I'll try.
[In dining room]
EMILY: Roast tonight.
LORELAI: I know how it feels.
RORY: [Shoots LORELAI a dirty look] That sounds delicious, Grandma.
EMILY: Yes. Sarah—or Sally?—she's a wonderful cook.
LORELAI: She's a household name.
RICHARD: This is fantastic roast, Emily!
EMILY: Isn't it?
RORY: It's great.
RICHARD: How is Jess, Rory?
RORY: [Cautiously] He's fine.
RICHARD: And you two are…still together?
RORY: Yes.
RICHARD: Hmm. [Long pause] I should like to meet this boy.
RORY: [Surprised] You…want to meet him?
RICHARD: He is spending a great deal of time with my granddaughter.
RORY: Oh, yes, but I thought you didn't…
RICHARD: Perhaps I was a bit harsh. [LORELAI snorts. RICHARD shoots her a dirty look] I suppose it was a bit narrow-minded.
RORY: Okay…
RICHARD: When are you two free?
LORELAI: Dad…
RICHARD: This is between Rory and I.
RORY: We're free a lot. Um, Jess studies after school, but Luke will let him off at the diner most days.
RICHARD: Good. How about you two come to the country club this weekend?
RORY: Oh, well…
LORELAI: Dad, I don't think Jess is really the country club type.
RORY: Not that he wouldn't do it, but…I don't think he's really suited to that environment.
RICHARD: I see. Well, I haven't been to Stars Hollow in some time.
LORELAI: You're coming all the way to Stars Hollow to meet Jess?
RICHARD: I would like to meet the boy who is consorting with my granddaughter.
LORELAI: "Consorting"? You make it sound like a—
RORY: That sounds good, Grandpa. What do you want to do?
RICHARD: We could…have a bite to eat.
RORY: Okay.
RICHARD: And…well, what do you and he usually do?
RORY: Oh. Nothing exciting. Studying, lately. Browse the bookstore.
RICHARD: He reads?
RORY: Avidly. He's read more than I have.
RICHARD: Well. How does next Saturday sound?
LORELAI: I'm busy.
RICHARD: I didn't ask you, Lorelai.
RORY: Sounds good. I'll ask Jess and call you.
RICHARD: Lovely. My, this is good roast.
EMILY: Sarah! Bring Mr. Gilmore some more roast!
[Cut to RORY and LORELAI driving home in the Jeep]
LORELAI: Do you think this is wise?
RORY: Having Grandpa meet Jess?
LORELAI: Yeah.
RORY: It'll make Grandpa happy.
LORELAI: But Jess is not known for stellar first impressions. Or second impressions. Or impressions in general, for that matter.
RORY: I'll have time to prepare him. He can behave for a few hours.
LORELAI: If it lasts that long.
RORY: Thanks for the encouragement.
LORELAI: I just don't want you and him to end up having a thing over this.
RORY: Yeah, right.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: You just don't want Grandpa to like him.
LORELAI: What?
RORY: You don't want Grandpa to like Jess.
LORELAI: And why wouldn't I?
RORY: Because…that'll be one thing that we have between us that Grandpa and I don't have.
LORELAI: That is so far off base, I can't even see the foul line.
RORY: It's true.
LORELAI: Well, if he does like him, it'll be under false pretenses.
RORY: Because Jess is just that unlikable.
LORELAI: To everyone but you? Yes.
RORY: Look, let's just not argue about this anymore. Grandpa is meeting Jess.
LORELAI: I never thought I'd hear that.
RORY: Gotta stop thinking in terms of "never."
LORELAI: Speaking of never…you haven't heard from Dad, have you?
RORY: [Guiltily] There may have been an e-mail.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Just…wondered.
RORY: Are you mad?
LORELAI: No. He's just…made no effort to contact me.
RORY: Well, you did throw him out of the house, Mom.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: So, you shouldn't be surprised when he isn't jumping to talk to you.
LORELAI: I get it.
RORY: Good.
LORELAI: Did he say anything about Sherry?
RORY: It was a short e-mail. He just gave me his new phone number and address.
LORELAI: That's it?
RORY: Just a hello.
LORELAI: I see.
RORY: Okay. Oh, hey?
LORELAI: Yeah?
RORY: Can you let me off at the diner?
LORELAI: Oh…I guess.
RORY: Unless you don't want to.
LORELAI: No, that's fine.
RORY: Good. I need to tell Jess about Grandpa.
LORELAI: He has to find a nice part of his personality?
RORY: Can't you at least pretend to not hate him, just for my sake?
LORELAI: I could.
RORY: It'll burn calories.
LORELAI: Hmm. Well, I'll give it a try for a while. Beats Tae-Bo.
RORY: Good.
[LORELAI lets RORY off at the diner and watches her as she goes in. She sits there for a moment, then drives off]
[Cut to RORY climbing the stairs to the apartment]
RORY: [Knocks on the door] Jess?
JESS: It's open.
RORY: [Goes inside] Hey.
JESS: Hey.
RORY: [Gestures toward the books on the table] Still studying?
JESS: I took a break.
RORY: How long of a break?
JESS: Enough to finish The While Album.
RORY: So, basically, you just cracked the book three seconds ago?
JESS: Pretty much.
RORY: Well, at least you were doing something intellectual. [She walks toward him; he stands. They kiss] I have something to tell you.
JESS: Studying is overrated? [He kisses her again]
RORY: No.
JESS: Sounds serious. [They kiss again and walk towards the couch. They sit down, and JESS cups RORY'S face in his hands]
RORY: It is.
JESS: How serious?
RORY: Grandparents serious.
JESS: Another fight?
RORY: No.
JESS: They caught wind of yet another bad quality of mine?
RORY: I told you to stop that.
JESS: Oh, yeah. It got pushed out with all that SAT information.
RORY: Ha!
JESS: That takes up a lot of space.
RORY: [Nervous] My grandpa wants to meet you.
JESS: Huh.
RORY: That's all you have to say? "Huh"?
JESS: What did you want me to say?
RORY: "Kevorkian, please. Can I meet Hitler now? Uh, hey, I heard Chinese water torture is fun."
JESS: How about… "Stalin is my savior"?
RORY: Good enough.
JESS: So…it's the end of the world?
RORY: No…maybe.
JESS: Do I have to dress up?
RORY: No. He's coming here.
JESS: Oh.
RORY: To Luke's. We're going to have a "bite to eat."
JESS: It doesn't sound that bad.
RORY: You left out the key word.
JESS: Which is?
RORY: "Yet."
JESS: Okay, okay. So your grandfather wants to meet me—
RORY: The boy who is—and I quote—"consorting" with his granddaughter.
JESS: [Laughs] "Consorting"? That sounds dirty.
RORY: [Blushes] He didn't mean it like that.
JESS: I know, I know. So we meet, we eat…and…?
RORY: We might browse through the bookstore. My grandpa loves to read.
JESS: So far, this is sounding less torturous than an afternoon with Lorelai.
RORY: My grandfather is very…protective of me.
JESS: [Rolls his eyes] Who isn't?
RORY: Really, really protective. He didn't like Dean.
JESS: Yeah, you said that.
RORY: And…so…
JESS: And Dean is much nicer than me, yadda, yadda, yadda.
RORY: I didn't mean that.
JESS: Rory.
RORY: Okay. But it's true. I just…I really need you to be nice. And un-sarcastic, just for a couple hours. Please?
JESS: I think I can manage.
RORY: This means a lot to me, Jess.
JESS: I know.
RORY: I mean, I'll like you, regardless of my grandpa. But it would just…it would make things easier if you—
JESS: I got it, okay? I'll be nice. Now… [He leans in, and almost makes it to RORY'S lips before she pulls away]
RORY: And if he asks you about the future?
JESS: [Groans] I'll just make something up, okay?
RORY: Thank you. [JESS starts to lean in again] Something that involves college?
JESS: Rory, quit worrying. I will pacify your grandfather.
RORY: Okay.
JESS: Okay. [He leans in and successfully kisses her. They shift closer on the couch and continue making out]
[Cut downstairs to Luke's. The phone rings. LUKE picks it up]
LUKE: Luke's.
LIZ: Hi, Luke.
LUKE: Liz.
LIZ: Is Jess there?
LUKE: I think so.
LIZ: Can I talk to him?
LUKE: Not right now, Liz.
LIZ: Why?
LUKE: He's busy.
LIZ: So busy he can't talk to his own mother?
LUKE: He and Rory are upstairs.
LIZ: Rory?
LUKE: His girlfriend, Liz, remember? I told you about her before.
LIZ: [Uncertainly] Oh…yeah.
LUKE: You don't remember anything.
LIZ: Refresh me.
LUKE: Rory…straight-A student…nice girl, reads a lot…
LIZ: Right, right.
LUKE: Look, Liz, do you have a message for him?
LIZ: What are he and Rory doing?
LUKE: I don't know. Probably studying.
LIZ: [Snorts] They're not studying.
LUKE: Is there a message?
LIZ: Luke, they are not studying.
LUKE: It's none of your business, Liz.
LIZ: Just tell him to call me, okay?
LUKE: I'll give him the message.
LIZ: Sure.
LUKE: Look, Liz, all I can do is give it to him. I can't force him to call you.
LIZ: Fine. Thanks.
LUKE: Yeah. [Hangs up]
[Cut to upstairs. "I'll Be Your Baby Tonight" by Norah Jones plays. RORY and JESS are still making out on the couch. RORY breaks apart and rests her head against JESS' forehead]
RORY: Jess?
JESS: Yes?
RORY: Thanks.
JESS: Sure.
RORY: No, really. It means a lot to me.
JESS: I know.
[RORY leans in and kisses him. JESS wraps an arm around her back and pulls her close again. They continue kissing as we fade to commercial]
[Second commercial break]
[Open to LORELAI at the inn. The phone rings]
LORELAI: Hello, Independence Inn.
EMILY: Lorelai, good.
LORELAI: Uh-oh.
EMILY: "Uh-oh"? What's "uh-oh" for? I am being perfectly civil.
LORELAI: Nothing, Mom. What's up?
EMILY: Well, I was talking with Jorina Kent at my DAR meeting last night, and we got onto the topic of our children.
LORELAI: Out of a wealth of topics to talk about…this.
EMILY: And Jorina said that her son Grayer was single, and I said that was very convenient, since you were single now that Christopher is out of the picture.
LORELAI: Mother, you didn't.
EMILY: I thought it was a nice gesture.
LORELAI: A nice gesture…to someone who wants and/or need a date.
EMILY: It's one simple evening, Lorelai.
LORELAI: No, it's not, Mom. It's one "simple" evening that will turn into a series of arguments between us.
EMILY: It all does anyway, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Mom, please, just cancel the date. I don't want one.
EMILY: I thought it would help you get over Christopher.
LORELAI: I'm over Christopher.
EMILY: You are not.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm not?
EMILY: No.
LORELAI: And this is based on…
EMILY: Why haven't you mentioned other men?
LORELAI: What other men?
EMILY: Ah-ha.
LORELAI: I don't think that calls for an "ah-ha," Mom.
EMILY: There are always other men, Lorelai.
LORELAI: There are not always other men, Mother.
EMILY: You're always seeing someone.
LORELAI: I am not! Look, it doesn't matter. I'm not going on a date with Grayer Kent.
EMILY: It's one night, Lorelai. How bad could it possibly be?
LORELAI: Have you ever been on a blind date, Mom?
EMILY: Of course not. A society woman would never dream of it.
LORELAI: Then you have no idea.
EMILY: Enlighten me.
LORELAI: He'll pick me up, twenty minutes late, because he can't find my house. Then there's the greeting period in which we size each other up for abnormal physical characteristics—exceptional height, deformed nose, ears that originally belonged to Dumbo—and say the other's name about fifteen times. The car ride to the restaurant is always chockfull of fun. It consists of many generic, open-ended questions that have been asked on every blind date and responded to with the same lack of enthusiasm. After giving the required responses, we'll arrive at the restaurant where we'll awkwardly sit in silence, pretending to look at the menus, since we've exhausted our talking for the evening. We'll eat the meal in silence, acting as though we're terribly engrossed in what we're eating. Then, of course, the ride home, even more painful than the ride there, since all the requisite questions have already been asked. In the end, you have an entirely wasted three hours.
EMILY: [Pauses] It can't be so terrible.
LORELAI: Do you just pretend I'm Musak?
EMILY: Lorelai, I am asking you a simple favor. Go out with Jorina Kent's son, just once. Who knows? Perhaps you'll actually—God forbid—like the man.
LORELAI: It's doubtful, and I don't need you to set me up. Do you remember Chase Bradford?
EMILY: Yes, and he is now engaged to a lovely young woman from Vermont.
LORELAI: I hope the lovely young woman is prepared for a life of complete and utter boredom.
EMILY: I'm not asking you to marry the man, Lorelai, just one date.
LORELAI: [Sighs] You won't let it go, will you?
EMILY: He's a nice man.
LORELAI: [Smiles bitterly] Fine, Mother.
EMILY: Wonderful. He'll pick you up tomorrow at seven.
LORELAI: So Grayer's big on notice, then, huh?
EMILY: I'll look forward to hearing about it.
LORELAI: Great. Bye, Mom.
EMILY: Goodbye, Lorelai.
[LORELAI hangs up. MICHEL approaches]
LORELAI: You say anything, I'll stuff you under the counter.
MICHEL: Ah, what is there to say? Little more can be added to the humiliation.
LORELAI: Thank you. Bye now.
MICHEL: What, so soon? Are you rehearsing for your date?
LORELAI: Michel, now.
MICHEL: How many times have you been a bridesmaid?
[LORELAI glares at MICHEL, grabs her purse from under the desk and stalks out of the inn]
[Cut to LORELAI entering Luke's]
LUKE: It's two-thirty.
LORELAI: Thanks for the update.
LUKE: Just making sure. What can I get you?
LORELAI: A coffee. With some arsenic.
LUKE: Comin' right up. [LUKE pours the coffee] Somethin' wrong?
LORELAI: No. Why?
LUKE: [Shrugs] You just look kinda down.
LORELAI: Luke, what are the criteria for the most pathetic person in the world?
LUKE: Well, I'd say that coming into a diner six times a day for coffee would definitely put you at the front of the race. Why?
LORELAI: I think we might have a winner.
LUKE: Kirk?
LORELAI: My mother set me up.
LUKE: Your mother set you up?
LORELAI: His name's Grayer. That's gotta tip you off right away.
LUKE: [Deadpan] Sounds awful.
LORELAI: She thinks I need a man to get over Chris. [Laughs humorlessly] I need a bridge to get over Chris.
LUKE: Well, she's tryin' to help.
LORELAI: She shouldn't! She never has before. I'm okay.
LUKE: I think you might get a few different opinions on that.
LORELAI: I'm so pathetic.
LUKE: Hence the title, "Most Pathetic Person in the World"?
LORELAI: My mother, setting me up on a blind date. My mother, trying to help me get over a man. [Sips her coffee] I'm just so—
LUKE: Pathetic, I heard. [Pause] Don't get too down on yourself.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: It's not a big deal.
LORELAI: Well, obviously, I'm sending some sort of beacon for help if my mother thinks that I need help. She's never cared before.
LUKE: Just quit worrying about it.
LORELAI: Even Michel has the upper hand.
LUKE: I wouldn't worry until Kirk gets the upper hand.
LORELAI: [Chuckles] Thanks. [Finishes her coffee]
LUKE: Anytime.
LORELAI: Here. [Digs in her purse]
LUKE: On the house. We do it for Guinness winners.
LORELAI: Thanks.
[LORELAI leaves the diner. As she's leaving, JESS comes in. They stare at each other for a moment]
JESS: Lorelai.
LORELAI: Jess. How are you?
JESS: Good.
LORELAI: School?
JESS: Okay.
LORELAI: I hear you're meeting my dad.
JESS: That's the rumor.
LORELAI: Well, good luck. You'll need it.
JESS: Thanks. [They stare at each other for a little, then JESS goes upstairs. LORELAI leaves the diner]
[Cut to Gilmore house. LORELAI walks in the door]
LORELAI: Rory!
RORY: Kitchen!
LORELAI: Oh, thank God. Sanity.
RORY: You found yours again?
LORELAI: You're my sanity. And you're here.
RORY: Okay…someone's had a bad day.
LORELAI: Ugh. [Sits down at table] It was beyond bad.
RORY: So, what happened?
LORELAI: My mother.
RORY: Grandma happened?
LORELAI: Yes.
RORY: Okay…
LORELAI: She set me up.
RORY: As in, a date?
LORELAI: Oh, yes.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Because I evidently need a man to get over Christopher.
RORY: Oh.
LORELAI: His name is Grayer.
RORY: Ouch. That's not good.
LORELAI: I know! When just his name makes you want to gag, you know it's bad.
RORY: Maybe you'll like him.
LORELAI: What? You're siding with my mother?
RORY: I'm not siding. I'm just offering some encouragement.
LORELAI: That's not encouragement.
RORY: Maybe he'll be nice.
LORELAI: Grayer.
RORY: That's his parents' fault, not his.
LORELAI: I can't believe it.
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Luke had more sympathy for me.
RORY: I have sympathy! I just don't see the point in getting down on the guy before you even see him.
LORELAI: Grayer! Who names their kid Grayer? His parents are insane. He must be insane by extension.
RORY: You're nothing like Grandma and Grandpa.
LORELAI: It warms my heart to hear you say that.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: Otherwise I might actually enjoy this date.
RORY: Forget it. Be miserable.
LORELAI: I will.
RORY: Fine.
LORELAI: So…how did Jess take the Grandpa news?
RORY: He seemed calm.
LORELAI: And he's actually going to…try…to be polite?
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Well…
RORY: Yes, he's going to be polite.
LORELAI: Just making sure.
RORY: You're assured.
LORELAI: Good. [Pause] Wanna know something funny?
RORY: I think so.
LORELAI: There are people named Grayer!
RORY: Mom!
LORELAI: That name is hilarious.
RORY: You're being completely irrational.
LORELAI: So?
RORY: So it's mean.
LORELAI: Since when have I cared about mean?
RORY: Oh, you're right, never.
LORELAI: Exactly. [Stands] Chinese?
RORY: Sounds good. I have to run to the store before they close. There's a shortage of staples in this house.
LORELAI: I warned you of that long ago. Do you not retain information?
RORY: It got pushed out in light of the SAT information.
LORELAI: You have no priorities, missy.
RORY: I know, I know. [She gets up and LORELAI follows her into her room, flopping down on the bed] Don't forget about the Chinese.
LORELAI: I won't.
RORY: Okay. I'll be back soon.
LORELAI: Mmm-kay. [Puts her hands over her eyes]
RORY: Do you want me to pick some Luke's up?
LORELAI: [Lifts her hands and squints at RORY] You're just looking for an excuse to see Jess.
RORY: Halfway. Plus, I think you're going to conk out and not order food and I'm hungry.
LORELAI: [Replaces her hands over her eyes] Luke's sounds good.
RORY: Okay.
LORELAI: Rory?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: Get some pie.
RORY: Sure.
[RORY leaves. LORELAI lays on the bed for a moment, then groans and gets up. As she passes the dresser, something catches her attention. She picks up a piece of paper. As the camera zooms in, we see that it's CHRISTOPHER'S e-mail. LORELAI reads it sadly, then sets it back down]
[Cut to RORY swinging a small bag and walking towards Luke's. She enters]
RORY: [to JESS, who's behind the counter] Hey.
JESS: Hey.
RORY: We need food.
JESS: You and your bag?
RORY: Yup.
JESS: Okay. What does your bag like?
RORY: Cheeseburger, fries, three cups of coffee, onion rings, and apple pie.
JESS: Okay. Two cheeseburgers, two fries, six cups of coffee, two onion rings, and two pieces of pie.
RORY: One piece of pie.
JESS: Guess my math is off.
RORY: Guess so.
JESS: Can you and your bag handle it or will you need help?
RORY: The bag can't pull its own weight. We'll need help.
JESS: In that case, I better call Caesar.
RORY: You better.
JESS: I'll be right back.
[JESS disappears into the back. RORY looks out the window; LANE and her mother walk by. LANE'S head is down while her mother looks around, scowling. RORY frowns]
JESS: [Coming back] Twenty minutes…something wrong?
RORY: No.
JESS: Rory.
RORY: Lane looks sad.
JESS: Oh.
RORY: [Sighs] I miss her. [Pause] I haven't seen her since she told her mother.
JESS: Still grounded?
RORY: Lane will be grounded until she's sixty.
JESS: If it makes you feel better, that's not legally possible.
RORY: Have you met Mrs. Kim?
JESS: Point taken.
RORY: [Brightly, fakely] Guess what?
JESS: What?
RORY: It's almost time for the Winter Festival.
JESS: [Deadpan] Yippie.
RORY: You missed the good stuff last year.
JESS: That whole dinner wasn't "the good stuff"?
RORY: That wasn't part of the Winter Festival.
JESS: Oh, God.
RORY: Miss Patty's students always have little snowflake outfits.
JESS: Miss Patty doesn't…
RORY: Oh, yeah.
JESS: I feel sick.
RORY: There's the tree-lighting ceremony.
JESS: Can there be a light-Taylor-on-fire ceremony?
RORY: Then, of course, there's the caroling.
JESS: Oh, great.
RORY: You could be a caroler if you signed up.
JESS: I'll high tail it down there.
RORY: I hope it snows.
JESS: I hope it snows enough to cancel it.
RORY: You're so bah-humbug.
JESS: You sound surprised.
RORY: Come on…you know you want to go.
JESS: Right.
RORY: Anyway, since Lane is MIA, you're coming with me.
JESS: What?
RORY: Yup.
JESS: Can you go back to being sad about Lane?
RORY: It'll be really fun.
JESS: I bet.
[RORY and JESS continue to banter. LANE and her mother walk past again. LANE looks at the two enviously]
[Cut to RORY and LORELAI in the living room. LORELAI is dressed up, sitting on the couch. RORY sits in the chair across from her]
RORY: Well, this date sets a record.
LORELAI: Oh? Most forced set-up?
RORY: It's the first date you've ever been early for.
LORELAI: I'm not early.
RORY: Let's see…you're dressed. Your hair is satisfactory. Your jewelry is arranged. Your purse is sitting right beside you. You're not frantically running around your room looking for a lost shoe or earring or talking in possessed voices. You're ready, and you're ready early.
LORELAI: I just want to get it over with.
RORY: So you got ready early.
LORELAI: Precisely, Holmes.
RORY: Elementary, my dear Watson.
LORELAI: What time is it?
RORY: Six fifty-five.
LORELAI: Oh.
RORY: Worried he'll be late?
LORELAI: No.
RORY: Ha!
LORELAI: Rory, come on.
RORY: Just keep an open mind, Mom.
LORELAI: I am, I am.
RORY: You are not. You're envisioning what to order for dessert.
LORELAI: Then I'm not ragging on him, am I?
RORY: Just until the dessert thing passes. Then you'll be back to thinking about his name.
LORELAI: You seem awfully defensive of this guy. Have you met him?
RORY: No, of course not.
LORELAI: Then why are pushing him?
RORY: I just want you to be happy.
LORELAI: I know that and I appreciate that.
RORY: So if this guy is the guy—
LORELAI: Which he won't be.
RORY: --Then I don't want you to have missed out because you were too busy criticizing his name.
LORELAI: My mind is perfectly open, okay?
RORY: If you say so.
[Doorbell]
LORELAI: Here goes nothing. I have my cell.
RORY: Call me from the bathroom if you need a save.
LORELAI: I love you. [Opens the door] Hello.
GRAYER: You must be Lorelai.
LORELAI: Oh, nope, I'm Maria.
GRAYER: [Playing along] Well, Maria, I was hoping you'd be Lorelai. There's no way she could be as beautiful as you.
LORELAI: [Laughs] Okay, okay, I surrender. I'm Lorelai.
GRAYER: Hi, Lorelai. I'm Grayer.
LORELAI: My excellent deductive skills pointed me to that conclusion.
GRAYER: And my excellent deductive skills tell me that's Rory.
RORY: That's me.
GRAYER: You look just like your mother.
LORELAI: We were separated at birth.
RORY: Don't go getting gross.
LORELAI: Rory! I wouldn't dream of it. Okay, call me if you have trouble, there's money, call Jess only if absolutely necessary.
RORY: Bye.
LORELAI: Bye, babe.
[LORELAI and GRAYER leave. RORY walks over to the window and watches as GRAYER opens the car door for LORELAI. RORY smiles and then walks over to the phone]
RORY: [on phone] Luke? Is Jess there? …Thanks. …Jess? …Only if you bring food. …We're big on repetition. …The bag, duh. …Okay. …Bye. [RORY hangs up and smiles to herself]
[Cut to LORELAI and GRAYER]
GRAYER: My parents weren't too happy.
LORELAI: Don't I know that feeling.
GRAYER: Rory seems like a great kid.
LORELAI: She is. She's wonderful.
GRAYER: You got lucky.
LORELAI: Yeah. I did.
GRAYER: Emily tells me she goes to Chilton.
LORELAI: Everyday. I can't get her to stay away from the place.
GRAYER: She's a groupie, huh?
LORELAI: Chilton and Harvard. Sometimes I don't think she's mine.
GRAYER: That's great. I can't offer her much advice about Harvard. I went to Princeton.
LORELAI: I went to state.
GRAYER: But you went.
LORELAI: I did at that.
GRAYER: Degree in one-liners?
LORELAI: Oh, that was my minor. Business, actually.
GRAYER: Business?
LORELAI: I run an inn…didn't my mother tell you?
GRAYER: Ah, well, I should probably come clean now. I wasn't really listening when my mother was telling me all of your numerous merits. To tell you the truth, I was expecting a boring socialite.
LORELAI: [Stunned] Me too.
GRAYER: Thank God.
LORELAI: I thought this would be the biggest waste of two hours ever, actually.
GRAYER: [Laughs] Me too. One too many set-ups?
LORELAI: More like a lack of trust in my mother's judgment.
GRAYER: Ah.
LORELAI: What do you do, Grayer?
GRAYER: It's pretty boring. I'm an investment consultant.
LORELAI: Sounds official.
GRAYER: Looks official.
LORELAI: Feels official?
GRAYER: Feels like guesswork.
LORELAI: Sounds cool.
GRAYER: So you run an inn?
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. I'm the manager of the Independence Inn.
GRAYER: That inn with that delicious risotto.
LORELAI: If my chef had heard that, she would be worshipping you right now.
GRAYER: [Chuckles] You run that whole place?
LORELAI: The whole big, scary, loopy, dizzy mess.
GRAYER: Sounds fun.
LORELAI: Looks fun.
GRAYER: Feels fun?
LORELAI: Most days, yeah.
[Waiter comes over]
WAITER: What can I get you tonight?
GRAYER: Well, I'd like a coffee to start out with. How strong is your coffee?
WAITER: Fairly strong, sir.
GRAYER: I need battery-acid strong. [LORELAI smiles]
WAITER: Certainly, sir. And you, Miss?
LORELAI: Same. Only I need battery-acid with some anti-freeze thrown in strong.
WAITER: Coming right up.
GRAYER: You're a coffee drinker?
LORELAI: You have no idea.
[GRAYER laughs. The camera pulls away as they continue talking amiably. Fade to commercial]
[Third commercial break]
[Open to LORELAI coming into her house. The strummy la-la's are playing. She's smiling. She walks into the living room and finds RORY and JESS asleep on the couch with the TV on. LORELAI'S smiles fades a bit, but she puts a blanket over them and keeps going]
[Cut to the next morning. LORELAI is standing over RORY and JESS in her pajamas]
LORELAI: [Sing-songy] Oh sleepyheads! Wake up!
RORY: [Mumbling] Mom.
LORELAI: Bingo! Up, up! School!
RORY: [Slowly waking up] Oh my God. Mom. It was innocent.
LORELAI: Duh. Now get up or you'll be late. I'll drive you.
RORY: Jess. [Shakes him gently] Jess.
JESS: Rory?
RORY: We have to get up.
JESS: [Slowly sits up, rubbing his eyes] What time's it—Lorelai.
LORELAI: Good morning, sunshine.
JESS: We just—
LORELAI: Save it. I saw it all. Calm down.
JESS: I didn't—
LORELAI: It's okay. You're going to be late for school.
JESS: Okay. [Pause] Thanks.
LORELAI: I'd say "anytime," but then I'd be lying.
JESS: Right. [Kisses RORY] I'll see you later.
RORY: Bye. [JESS gets up and hastily leaves] Mom, I swear—
LORELAI: I know, I know. You fell asleep watching TV?
RORY: Something like that.
LORELAI: It's okay.
RORY: So…your date must have gone well.
LORELAI: Why would you say that?
RORY: Because I was asleep when you came in.
LORELAI: Point?
RORY: So you must have spent a good amount of time with him, indicating that you liked him enough not to insist that he drive you home two seconds after he paid the bill.
LORELAI: Fine, fine. It was good.
RORY: Good or good?
LORELAI: Good.
RORY: See? I told you not to judge him based on his name.
LORELAI: Yes, yes, you were right, perfect angel mine.
RORY: It comes with the halo.
LORELAI: You know what doesn't though?
RORY: What?
LORELAI: A molecular transport device.
RORY: Which would be important…when?
LORELAI: Now. When you're going to be late to school.
RORY: Ah! [She jumps off the couch and runs toward her bedroom. LORELAI smiles after her, then goes happily up the stairs]
[Cut to RORY and LORELAI standing on EMILY and RICHARD'S stoop]
RORY: Are you going to come clean?
LORELAI: If they hand me a bar of soap.
RORY: About your date. Are you going to admit it was fun?
LORELAI: Mmm…I don't know. It depends on how smug my mother looks.
RORY: You always think she looks smug.
LORELAI: There are varying degrees.
RORY: That's a no.
LORELAI: Not necessarily.
RORY: It's a no. So what are you going to say?
LORELAI: I don't know.
RORY: Good plan.
LORELAI: I'm known around the world for my planning.
RORY: Are you planning on ringing the bell?
LORELAI: Mmm…I don't know.
RORY: I'll ring it.
LORELAI: You didn't plan on ringing it, though.
RORY: Nope.
LORELAI: How can you stand to be so happy-go-lucky?
RORY: Well, I clearly didn't get it from you.
[EMILY opens the door]
LORELAI: Mom!
EMILY: You sound shocked to see me. Who else did you think would open the door?
LORELAI: We didn't ring the bell.
EMILY: It's seven-oh-three. I thought I heard you out here.
LORELAI: "Thought"? What if it had been someone else?
EMILY: It was highly unlikely.
LORELAI: But you took that chance.
EMILY: Yes, I suppose I did.
LORELAI: So if it had been the Girl Scouts selling cookies, you would have…
EMILY: Are you going to come in, or are we going to spend our entire evening debating about my door-opening procedure?
LORELAI: Do you have Girl Scouts cookies?
EMILY: [Opens door wider] We'll have to see if they stop by later.
RORY: Hi, Grandma. [Steps inside. LORELAI follows]
EMILY: Hello, Rory. How are you?
RORY: I'm good.
EMILY: And you, Lorelai?
LORELAI: I'm good, Mom.
EMILY: Good as a result of your date?
LORELAI: [Looks at her watch] It's a record.
EMILY: What is a record?
LORELAI: It took you less than one minute to start grilling me.
EMILY: I'm hardly grilling you.
LORELAI: If I looked at my back, I'd probably have big black grill marks.
EMILY: So?
LORELAI: The date was fine, Mom.
EMILY: "Fine." Such high praise.
LORELAI: Drop it, Mom.
EMILY: If you don't want to talk about it, it must have been good.
LORELAI: Not necessarily.
EMILY: You don't want to admit that you enjoyed yourself.
LORELAI: Let it go, Mother.
EMILY: Rory, did your mother enjoy the date?
[LORELAI glares at RORY]
RORY: Oh, well…[RORY glances at LORELAI] I guess. I don't really know.
EMILY: [Smugly] You did.
LORELAI: What's for dinner tonight? I didn't see my head on the menu.
EMILY: I'm hardly beheading you, Lorelai. I'm just asking how your date went.
LORELAI: No, Mother, you're smugly interrogating me.
EMILY: Lorelai, I am merely—
RICHARD: Emily! Are the girls here?
EMILY: I forgot to get your father. [To RICHARD] Yes, Richard, they're here!
RICHARD: [Entering room] Why didn't you come and get me?
EMILY: I'm sorry, Richard, Lorelai and I were—
LORELAI: Arguing.
EMILY: Conversing.
RICHARD: Ah. Hello, Rory.
RORY: Hello, Grandpa.
RICHARD: The drive was good?
RORY: Yeah, the drive was fine.
RICHARD: Good. And school?
RORY: School is good.
RICHARD: And…Jess?
RORY: Jess is good.
RICHARD: And you are still…planning on tomorrow?
RORY: We are, yes.
LORELAI: I'll be at the inn all day.
RICHARD: No one asked for you to make an appearance, Lorelai.
EMILY: The inn?
LORELAI: Yeah, Mom, the place I work.
EMILY: I thought it might be a date.
RICHARD: Ah, her date with Grayer went well.
LORELAI: I will be working. There is no date.
RICHARD: But there is the possibility of another date.
LORELAI: [Reluctantly] I guess.
EMILY: A ha!
LORELAI: Please tell me we're having steak tonight. [Pause] I need a sharp knife.
[Cut to RORY and JESS sitting at a table in Luke's. RORY is fiddling with the ketchup]
JESS: Will you quit with that?
RORY: I'm sorry, I'm nervous.
JESS: [Takes her hand off the ketchup and holds it in his] Don't be.
RORY: [Takes a deep breath] Okay. Okay.
[Bell chimes; RICHARD walks in. He looks around the diner and spots RORY and JESS at their table, comes over, and sits down]
RICHARD: Hello.
RORY: Hi, Grandpa. Grandpa, this is Jess. Jess, this is my grandfather.
JESS: Hello, Mr. Gilmore.
RICHARD: Hello, Jess.
RORY: Was your drive good?
RICHARD: Very pleasant. It's a nice drive out here.
RORY: Good. And you found the diner okay?
RICHARD: Yes, yes. Your instructions were very clear. [Pause] So, Jess, I understand you work at this diner.
JESS: Yup.
RICHARD: Do you…enjoy your work?
JESS: [Shrugs] It could be worse.
RICHARD: Yes, yes. That is true of many things. [Pause] Rory tells me you're gearing up to take the SAT.
JESS: Yeah. Two weeks.
RICHARD: Good luck. [Pause] Rory has been preparing for quite some time for this process.
JESS: I know.
RICHARD: It's very important to her.
RORY: Jess knows, Grandpa.
RICHARD: Ah. Well.
RORY: We should order. [She hands RICHARD a menu]
RICHARD: You don't need one?
JESS: I know what they serve.
RORY: I've eaten here forever.
RICHARD: Well, what would you recommend?
RORY: I'm a fan of the burgers.
JESS: That's an understatement.
RICHARD: I'll try one.
RORY: Excellent choice. [RORY flags LUKE down]
LUKE: Hello, Mr. Gilmore.
RICHARD: Hello, Luke.
LUKE: What can I get you?
RICHARD: Rory tells me your cheeseburgers are delicious.
LUKE: She would know best.
RICHARD: I'll have one of those and a water.
RORY: I'll have the same, except coffee and fries.
LUKE: Two burgers, a water, a coffee, and fries. Jess?
JESS: Same. Only with a Coke.
LUKE: Coming right up. [LUKE leaves]
RICHARD: That is your uncle?
JESS: Yup.
RICHARD: And you like living with him?
JESS: Yes.
RICHARD: That's good.
RORY: Luke and Jess renovated their apartment a while back.
RICHARD: Is it nice?
JESS: It's bigger.
RICHARD: Ah. [Pause] Rory tells me that you like to read.
JESS: Quite a bit, yes.
RICHARD: Who are your favorites?
JESS: I like Hemingway.
RICHARD: Hemingway! An excellent choice. I have a few first editions of his.
RORY: They're amazing.
JESS: Even to an Ayn Rand fan?
RICHARD: You don't like Rand?
JESS: Not particularly.
RICHARD: I never cared for her either.
JESS: Rory had me re-read The Fountainhead.
RORY: You did it of your own accord.
JESS: After being pressured by you.
RORY: I didn't stand there with a knife to your throat and insist that you read it.
JESS: Not quite.
RICHARD: What's your favorite Hemingway, Jess?
JESS: A Farewell to Arms.
RICHARD: I'm a The Sun Also Rises fan myself.
JESS: I like the size of A Farewell to Arms. The Sun Also Rises seemed too long for its own good.
RICHARD: Yes, I suppose that's a reasonable argument. [There is a long pause] So, Jess, how has your recent driving record been?
RORY: Grandpa.
JESS: Fine.
RORY: Please don't get into this, Grandpa.
RICHARD: I set up this visit to ensure that my granddaughter is safe. This is a part of that process.
RORY: It's not necessary, Grandpa. Please, just drop it.
RICHARD: Fine. [Clears his throat] So, Jess…how is school?
JESS: School is fine.
RICHARD: I understand you failed quite a few courses last year.
JESS: I re-did them in summer school.
RICHARD: And your grades were acceptable?
RORY: Jess got two A's and a B in summer school.
RICHARD: Well, those are decent.
RORY: Jess is smart, Grandpa.
RICHARD: So I keep hearing. [A little forcefully] And your future?
JESS: Well, I hope I'll get into a state college, maybe be an English Lit major.
RICHARD: And what do you intend to do with this degree?
JESS: Write, maybe. Teach.
RICHARD: Well, those are admirable goals.
[LUKE comes over with the food]
LUKE: Here you go.
RICHARD: It looks wonderful.
RORY: Thanks, Luke.
JESS: Yeah, thanks Uncle Luke.
RICHARD: Well…let's eat.
[They dig into their food]
[Cut to LANE in her house. She walks into the kitchen where her mother is sitting]
LANE: Mama?
MRS. KIM: Yes?
LANE: Can we talk?
MRS. KIM: About what?
LANE: About…things. Clyde things.
MRS. KIM: No.
LANE: What?
MRS. KIM: No.
LANE: I haven't said anything yet.
MRS. KIM: I know what you are going to say, Lane Kim. You are going to tell me that this…Clyde…will not ruin you. But I know better.
LANE: You've never spoken to him, Mama.
MRS. KIM: I don't need to know. I already know.
LANE: Clyde is a good guy, Mama.
MRS. KIM: Obviously is not, Lane! He makes you lie to me.
LANE: Henry made me lie to you because I was afraid of you.
MRS. KIM: Henry was different.
LANE: How?
MRS. KIM: He was Korean.
LANE: Mama, please, please just meet Clyde.
MRS. KIM: You are not going to see this boy anymore, Lane. That is final.
LANE: That isn't fair.
MRS. KIM: Many things are not fair.
LANE: Please, Mama, just speak to him once.
MRS. KIM: Speak to the boy who is ruining my daughter? No. No.
LANE: What are you going to do when I'm eighteen, Mama?
MRS. KIM: Excuse me?
LANE: When I'm eighteen, I'll be at college, and you won't know what I'm doing.
MRS. KIM: I have raised you not to do bad things.
LANE: Exactly, Mama! You raised me not to do bad things. I'm not doing bad things.
MRS. KIM: You lied to me, Lane.
LANE: I wouldn't have lied if I knew you would just accept Clyde.
MRS. KIM: That is the end of this discussion.
LANE: [Pauses and thinks] I play the drums, Mama.
MRS. KIM: [Slowly] What?
LANE: I play the drums, Mama. I've been taking lessons.
MRS. KIM: More lying?
LANE: At the music store. I take lessons there and I work a little so that I can play the drums.
MRS. KIM: Lane Kim!
LANE: [Frantically] I've been doing it for a year now, Mama! I'm getting good, too, and Clyde said I could join his band if I wanted to.
MRS. KIM: You are not joining a band, Lane Kim!
LANE: [Starts to cry] I want a life, Mama!
MRS. KIM: You want a life? I dedicated my whole life to raising you, and what do I get in return? This…this ungratefulness.
LANE: I'm sorry, Mama, but I can't keep pretending anymore!
MRS. KIM: Pretending what? You act too?
LANE: Pretending that I'm the perfect little Korean girl, that I hate American music and values and food—I can't Mama! It hurt me to lie to you.
MRS. KIM: Lane Kim, you go to your room!
LANE: No! No! ["Bad Reputation" by Joan Jett starts playing. LANE runs out of the house. MRS. KIM stares after her, angry, lips pursed, then angrily goes back to pricing items]
[Cut to RORY, RICHARD, and JESS browsing in the bookstore. RICHARD approaches JESS. RORY looks at them from behind a shelf]
RICHARD: Jess.
JESS: Mr. Gilmore.
RICHARD: We need to…have a talk.
JESS: [Almost rolls his eyes, but catches himself] Okay.
RICHARD: As you know, I set this visit up to make sure that Rory was safe in her choice of companion.
JESS: Yes.
RICHARD: And while I still feel that her choice leaves something to be desired, I no longer feel that there is any real danger in her spending time with you. [Pause. JESS just looks him in the eye] However, there are some things I feel that I need to tell you. [Pause] Rory is…special. I have never felt that any boy was worthy of her time, but she sees something in you, and I cannot change that. Therefore, you, young man, are very fortunate.
JESS: I know.
RICHARD: Rory is going to an Ivy League school, and I want nothing to come in the way of that, especially a boy. [Sighs] I can't take it another time.
JESS: I won't.
RICHARD: You will treat her like a lady at all times. You will not pressure her. And, so help me God, you will not build her a car.
JESS: [Smirks] I was actually planning on a hovercraft.
RICHARD: [Smiles a very, very tiny smile] Well…that's all I can do.
JESS: Mr. Gilmore.
RICHARD: Yes?
JESS: I'm not out to hurt your granddaughter.
RICHARD: I know.
[RORY comes over]
RORY: Find anything?
JESS: Not today.
RICHARD: No, I didn't either. [Pause] Well, I should get going.
RORY: It's only two, Grandpa. You can stay if you want.
RICHARD: Ah, no, thank you, Rory. Emily has her DAR meeting at Mrs. Lince's house this afternoon, so I will enjoy my peace and quiet while I can.
RORY: Okay. Thanks for coming, Grandpa.
RICHARD: It was my pleasure. [Hugs RORY]
RORY: Come back soon?
RICHARD: Well, your birthday is coming up. I wouldn't want to miss that.
RORY: Good.
RICHARD: And Jess…it was nice meeting you. [Shakes JESS' hand]
JESS: Likewise.
RICHARD: Goodbye. [RICHARD smiles and leaves. RORY exhales]
JESS: [Wraps his arm around her shoulders] See?
RORY: Thank you.
JESS: Your grandpa's not that bad.
RORY: I'm glad you think so.
JESS: So…you need coffee?
RORY: Desperately.
JESS: Let's go. [They leave the bookstore, leaning close, talking]
[Cut to LANE running into the Gilmore house. She slams the door behind her and walks into RORY'S room, then lays down on the bed. She puts her hands over her face for a minute, then rolls over and turns the CD player on. "Baba O'Reilly" by The Who is playing. LANE cranks it]
["Baba O'Reilly" fades as we cut to LORELAI at the desk at the inn. The phone rings. LORELAI looks for MICHEL, but doesn't see him, so she picks it up]
LORELAI: Independence Inn.
GRAYER: Hello. You must be this Maria I keep hearing about.
LORELAI: Oh, actually, she's out. You'll have to settle for Lorelai.
GRAYER: I was hoping you'd say that.
LORELAI: What's up?
GRAYER: Not much. Just wanted to see how you were.
LORELAI: I'm good. I'm better now.
GRAYER: Good. And I was wondering if you wanted to go to a movie with me tomorrow.
LORELAI: Tomorrow?
GRAYER: Yeah, sorry about the short notice. I just noticed that they're showing "The Birds" in the park tomorrow night. Apparently, they've been doing it all summer and this is their last one. Nice note to end it on, don't you think?
LORELAI: Absolutely. Give people a complex about birds, boost the hunting.
GRAYER: So can you come?
LORELAI: [Bites her lip and smiles] Sure. What time?
GRAYER: It starts at four, so I'll pick you up about three? We can grab some sandwiches—
LORELAI: And coffee.
GRAYER: That's a given.
LORELAI: Sounds good. There's a diner here that has the best coffee.
GRAYER: Okay, I'll take your word for it. Tomorrow at three.
LORELAI: It's a date.
GRAYER: Bye, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Goodbye, Grayer. [LORELAI hangs the phone up, smiling. SOOKIE walks up]
SOOKIE: You look happy.
LORELAI: Strangely, I am.
SOOKIE: You just yelled at Christopher?
LORELAI: No. I actually didn't.
SOOKIE: Then what's with the mystery? You've been like this all week. Wait! You and Chris are back together?
LORELAI: I haven't talked to Christopher at all, Sookie.
SOOKIE: No?
LORELAI: I…kind of met someone.
SOOKIE: [Gasps] What? Where? Who?
LORELAI: [Mumbles] My mom set me up.
SOOKIE: You're kidding.
LORELAI: No. And she was right, he was pretty great.
SOOKIE: Oh, Lorelai, this is so great. [Pause] Did you consider what I said…about Luke?
LORELAI: Oh, Sookie.
SOOKIE: I'm just curious.
LORELAI: It's not true, Sookie. That's that. Can we go back to being happy about Grayer?
SOOKIE: Sure, sure. [Pause] Grayer?
[Cut to RORY and LORELAI in Luke's]
RORY: "The Birds"?
LORELAI: What a depressing end to the season.
RORY: I'll say.
LORELAI: [Wickedly] But I doubt whether we'll be watching the movie.
RORY: Mom, gross, I'm going to eat soon.
LORELAI: You are strong of stomach, my dear.
RORY: Or, at least, I was. [The door chimes. GRAYER walks in] Here he is.
LORELAI: He looks good.
RORY: You would say that if he had a paper bag over his head and was dressed in a barrel.
LORELAI: Hey, Grayer.
GRAYER: Hi, Lorelai. Hey there, Rory.
RORY: Hi.
LORELAI: Okay. We'll be back around ten-ish?
GRAYER: Sounds about right. You don't mind, do you, Rory?
RORY: What? No. Take her away. Far, far away.
LORELAI: Yes. All the way to Fez. Without my precious, darling daughter. [Sees LUKE] Hey, Luke!
[LUKE comes over]
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: We need six—eight cups of coffee.
LUKE: Why don't you just ask for a swimming pool?
LORELAI: Well, I didn't think you had any on hand. [Notices LUKE staring at GRAYER] Oh, Luke, this is Grayer. Grayer, this is Luke. He owns the place.
GRAYER: [Offers his hand] Nice to meet you.
LUKE: [Doesn't return the gesture] Likewise. I'll be right back with that coffee.
LORELAI: He's a little prickly, but he's a sweetie once you get to know him.
GRAYER: Oh.
LORELAI: I wonder if he has any swimming pools on hand.
RORY: I'll ask Jess. Maybe he hides them in the bigger apartment.
LORELAI: Hmm.
[LUKE returns with the coffee]
LUKE: Here you go…eight cups.
LORELAI: Thanks, Luke. [To GRAYER] Ready?
GRAYER: If you are.
LORELAI: I've got my caffeine. That's the most important thing in the world to me.
RORY: Hey!
LORELAI: "Far, far away."
RORY: Bye. And Grayer?
GRAYER: Yes?
RORY: I wasn't kidding about the far away thing.
GRAYER: Noted.
[LORELAI and GRAYER leave]
LUKE: You, uh, want anything?
RORY: No, I was just going to help Jess.
LUKE: Okay.
RORY: When do you need him down here?
LUKE: Ah…not today.
RORY: Thanks, Luke.
[RORY goes up the stairs. LUKE stands behind the counter and watches as LORELAI and GRAYER get into his car, laughing and joking. Fade out]
[End of episode]