Disclaimer: Don't own Gilmore Girls, never have, never will…
AN: I'm not sure if this is going to be just a one parter or a two. I haven't decided yet. But I figure why not post what I already have done. So here you go, enjoy…
I ran. I ran fast. I packed my things and ran. I didn't tell anyone where I was going. I just got up, put most of my important belongings in a bag and walked away from my life. Away from the best thing to ever happen to me…yet. But even though I say yet, I know its forever. I know that no one can ever compete with her, no one can ever be as good as her, and anyone who comes later will always be second best to her, because she's my first love. I know what you're thinking. Your thinking who walks away from love right? Especially first love that wasn't meant to end and all I have to say to that is… it wasn't that I didn't love her, but it was that I needed to follow him, my dad. He came at the worst time possible. But I'm not mad that he came. I'm glad he came, and I think if I had to do it again, pick between her and my father, I think I'd pick him. Because I don't think I could ever be a whole person without not knowing him. I would always be incomplete and that's not how I want to live my life. But then again without her I'll never be complete either, so it's a lose lose situation either way you look at it.
So I guess that I do wish that I could take it all back. But this time I'd still follow my dad, but I'd talk to her, and give her a reason for my leaving. That way she could understand and tell me that she'd wait for me. Knowing that I would be back and that this was something that I just had to do, and in that case it would be a win win situation. But seeing as how I didn't take that path I wish that I could go back there and make things good again. I don't know if they could ever be good again but I could try. I could show her that I'm worthy of her love, and that I won't screw up again. Show her I've changed. But I can't.
I don't know why I can't, I mean I can if I really wanted to but I guess it's because I'm still afraid. Afraid of what you ask? I'm afraid of her. I know that sounds crazy, how can you be in love with someone and afraid of that same time? But the truth is I love her while at the same time I'm scared to death of her. Does that make sense? Let me try and explain. I'm afraid that she'll look the other way, that she won't recognize me when she sees me. And I'm afraid that she wont want to talk to me, that she won't be willing hear me out. I'm afraid that if she gave me a chance she wouldn't want to look at me, because I'd just cause her pain. I'm afraid that we'd be JUST friends. Now I'm really starting to sound crazy because isn't having a friendship better then nothing at all? But I don't think that I could be her friend, to look at her, and watch her as she moved on, and dated other people. It would eat me alive, and cause me just to run again. And I don't want to do that. Not to her.
The truth is that if I never moved to Stars Hallow and I never met her, or even say she didn't exist, was never born, I would have made her up by now. I know that sounds crazy too, this whole thing sounds crazy; because how can you make someone up you've never seen. Especially me, I don't have a very wild and vivid imagination like her. But I think I had her sketched in my mind before I met her. She was just an outline and you couldn't make out any details, and had I been given more time, my mind would have made her up every centimeter; every hair would have been perfect. The color of her eyes and the curves of her body would have eventually come into place, making… her. I think she would have burned into my head 24/7 as the perfect person. Hell, she is burned into my head 24/7 as the perfect person, she's burned in there as the perfect Girl that I can never have.
In all honesty I wish that I wasn't afraid. Being afraid of someone like her is like being afraid of a butterfly. It's funny. Having a fear of something so beautiful and so innocent who you know would never hurt you, who couldn't hurt you. My fear is holding me back; I wish that I could follow through with what my heart is telling me. My heart and mind are saying yes go back to her, she'll understand, what's the worst that could happen, but my feet are saying no. and without my feet I cant really go anywhere now can I?
I sit here day after day, and everyday I think about those three little words that she said to me. I. Love. You. Eight simple letters… three simple words… one simple sentence… and millions of different emotions. She loved me, and I loved her. That's that. It was true love, it was the greatest love of all loves, because it was pure, and true, and where one felt it, it was being returned with the same passion. It was the deepest kind of love that one can ever fill. It was as deep as the sea and as high as the heavens. It was real.
But everything she wants, and everything I want is wrong. The way that I see it is that even if she still loves me and wants me back it's not right. How can I deny her what she deserves? Everything that she wants is wrong, because I'm what she wants, and I'm wrong. I try and tell myself its right, I've made up so many excuses, like… we were meant to be… and we met for a reason, but in the end it all comes back to the same thing, she deserves something better, someone better then me. She deserves so much that I can't offer her, and I don't want to one day wake up and realize that I've made her sad, and unhappy, because she stuck with me. She needs someone that will make her happy and that she knows won't run away from her. I wish that I could be that guy, but it's wrong… wrong… wrong… wrong.
Right now all of my dreams are waking up. I know, I know, dreams don't wake up. Aren't they supposed to come true? I wish that was the case, but instead I open my eyes and look around me and realize that I have nothing. I realize that I dream too big. I dream of things that are too complicated. I dream of things that are 3000 miles away and only getting farther and farther. Maybe if I dreamt of something small to start out with, I could make my way up to what I really want. But there is only one thing I want and that's her. And that's huge. So I have to sit back and watch as my dreams slip from my fingers, like sand.
And right now I wish that I could follow her. I wish that I could follow her from a distance, and keep an eye on her to make sure she's safe and happy. I wish that I could go with her to Yale, and follow her to Europe, I even wish I could follow her to the ends of the earth, follow her to where no one lives and we can be happy, just the two of us, with no one to come and disturb our peaceful little life together, but I'm afraid that when we reached the end she would push me over the edge and never look back, leaving me alone, with only my regrets.
All of that wishing makes me wonder. I wonder if she remembers when we first met. I know she remembers, because she could never forget, even if she tried as I have. I wonder though if she remembers when she would call me, and I'd call her back, or when I would call her, and she'd call me back. It was such a small tiny gesture that everyone does from day to day, but for us it was a leap, because it started out small, when nothing mattered and we were just friends, but then in turned into us both longing for something more.
The problem with it all was that it came too soon. We were thrown into something that neither of us was ready for. I came too soon. She came too soon. We met too soon. Plain and simple, even if it doesn't seem so. Had everything been different, had we ran into each other in the future… we would have been soul mates. Perfect for each other, because she was my moon, the light that lit up my night. Had we met in the future I would have already been with my dad and made amends, and she would be out there somewhere, waiting for the moment when we would meet and fall in love. She could have been the future but now she's just the past.
Running away from her in the first place was my final failure, So I guess we still have a chance, because anyone who was destined to be soul mates in the future, would always be destined to be soul mates right? In the future, the present, and even in the past…