Belonging

Heero: Choices

Part six

A Gundam Wing Fan fiction by Louise Tjandrasjahan


She was playing with fire, and now the fire scorched her
heart into ashes. And she had no right to cry, or to be angry, or
to throw tantrums, because she asked for all of that. As a
teenager, it was still understandable if she made a mistake or two
by being oblivious to the fact Heero wouldn't even have the
slightest interest in her, but as an adult, she had been an utter
fool for believing his heart might change over the time with her
love and dedication guiding him. In fact, the whole commotion had
brought her into realisation of the bitter truth.

Heero had kissed her just because of his curiosity. It was
the sensation, not her, that made him yield. She had been a fool
for believing Heero was finally realising the sole purpose of her
existence. This whole incident had brought her into the more
realistic perspective of her own love life.

Now she believed that love existed only in fairy tales.

Love was only for dreamy teenage girls.

And love was, definitely, not for her, a fully-grown woman
with a mountain of responsibilities and a nation to consider - a
woman whose life was not hers alone, whose life was in the
possession of the others.

And then, it all suddenly made sense in one enormous
explosion of emotional outbursts. God wasn't granting this man for
her. For years and years she had prayed to God for bestowing the
most beautiful love of all, a prince charming who would sweep her
off her feet and made her the happiest princess in the world. But
what did she get in the end of her daydreaming? Nothing but
disappointment.

Sensing the weight of Heero's hand on her shoulder, she
flinched away coldly, refusing to meet his eyes as she struggled
to control her inner turmoil. Her hands clenched on her sides as
she finally answered her own question in self-hatred, hissing, "No,
you don't. You never feel, after all." She was well aware her
statement betrayed her earlier remark about Heero's humanity, but
she was refused to be clouded by the longing of her younger days.

"No, You DON'T!" yelling furiously at his face, she swung her
palm and slapped Heero hard across his face, the impact echoing
throughout the chamber. The resonance soon followed by another
impact however, when Heero's own palm connected with her softer
skin, leaving red imprinted mark on the creamy complexion.

Whipping her head to face him, Relena was more surprised than
angry. Heero had never laid a hand on her for as long as she could
remember, despite the fact he had threatened to kill her
numerously. One of her hands slowly crept upward to feel the
stinging spot, burning with the force of his blow. He had taken no
account that she was a woman when he slapped her. Ironically, the
blow cleared her head, and she started to think logically once
again.

"Yes, I don't, but I do." A rough male voice startled her and
brought her back into reality, its tone sad and painful. A sharp
gasp escaped her lips as he wrenched her into his embrace, once
again smothering her face with kisses, desperation noted clearly
from the urgency of the kisses. "I," he managed to pronounce
between kisses, "Don't. Understand. Everything."

Closing her eyes, she draped her arms gently around his back,
surrendering to the force of his male body. Dizziness assaulted
her as a familiar male scent invading her senses, causing her
whole world to spin. So much happened. Just then Heero had
announced he was incapable to love, but he also told her that he
loved her, at least in a way. She knew she had to answer him,
providing him with the solution to his confusion, but she found
she couldn't even settle the matter of her own heart. And yet she
had to decide something quickly. She knew she had to give Heero
more time to contemplate his feelings, but time was drawing near.
Quatre would expect her answer soon.

She had to clarify things first. As Heero had put it, she
simply didn't understand…things.

"You love me." It was a statement, not a question. She needed
Heero to confirm this and erase her doubts.

Sealing their lips in a final, gentle kiss, Heero answered at
the end, "Yes."

"And yet you hate me."

A nod confirmed her worst expectation. "That's also true."

"You love me…more than your missions?" she turned away from
him, didn't want him to see her reactions when he was answering
the question. If he was willing to answer.

"I don't know, Relena." Came the grim and tentative answer,
"You distract me. You annoy me. And you almost kill me inwardly,
causing me to feel confused. But in some ways, you're my mission.
You keep me going. All the time." His voice was almost
expressionless, but it bordered on the edge of desperation
nonetheless. Desperate to understand his unsolved inner turmoil.

"I want to be with you, but you always reject me."

Silence.

Either because he didn't want to answer it, or because her
didn't know what to say.

"What if I marry Quatre instead of you? Have you ever thought
of that?"

Another silence.

Holding her breath, Relena was preparing herself for another
absence of answer, but she was astounded when she received one.
"Quatre will make me happy, he is a good man."

"He is,"

Slowly she turned back to face him once again. Her face was
grim as she raised her hand to touch his face, his skin cold
against her palm. "Is he? So he is. But what about you?" her voice
was barely a whisper as she threw him the pleading look, "Could
you make me…would you, will you make me happy?" Holding her breath,
she was waiting for his answer. It would be the last question she
asked. She would ask no more.

Heero's face darkened as he struggled for an answer, his fist
clenched painfully beside his body. He realised the importance of
his answer for Relena's question, and yet he couldn't lie to her
even if the world depended on it. It would only hurt them even
further. Or confuse him. Gosh, he hated confusions with all his
might.

"Quatre…is the man, if you ask me." Avoiding her aquamarine
eyes, his answer was barely audible. Inside, he felt cowardly for
his own disability to give a straight answer. He was afraid, very
afraid. He still couldn't accept the weight of the mission he had
to endure by accepting the challenge in the area he had not even
comprehended yet. He refused to be a player…in a game of love.
"Beside, you have a mission to the people."

It was cruel, his answer, and it torn her heart into pieces,
but she could do nothing about it if it was his choice. Instead
she would put on her bravest mask, smile, and say her good-byes to
him before retreating to the backstage to mourn her lost. Gently
removing her hand from his cheek, she gave him her last gift – a
tender and lingering parting kiss. She smiled against his lips as
she noticed his eyes widened in surprise, but she refused to be
carried away by his reaction. Heero loved her, but his love wasn't
strong enough for him to leave his past behind to be together with
her. He was not worthy of her love. He chose duties over love.

"I guess this is the end," she announced quietly, her
expression unbelievably calm and ethereal.

Heero was opening his mouth to say something, but she didn't
let him. "It is final, yeah." The young man raised his hand as if
he wished to erase what he had said, but in the end he lowered and
curled it into a fist, a long-time habit that Relena recognised as
his inner struggle to control himself. She realised Heero gave her
the chance to consider her actions. He had had his say, and that
was it. Relena had given him more than one chance.

"Every performance has to end," Relena added, smiling,
clasping her hands behind her back as she sighed tiredly, "even in
a game. Our game of tag is over, Heero. You'll be free of me.
Soon."

When Heero didn't respond to her, she merely shrugged and
continued carefully, "The rain's stopped. Guess it's time to go."
Then, with a final grand curtsy – as if she was ending her own
grand performance – she existed the old hangar regally, her
posture upheld by pride, solitary but by all means strong. Quietly
opening and closing the door behind her, she left Heero deep in
his thought, hopelessly trying to discern what had just happened.

Relena really left him for good this time. She had not even
bothered to bring her wet clothes with her. Either she forgot, or
that she didn't care. Should he follow her and return the
expensively tailored designer suit, or simply ignore it? He would
return it, he guessed. That was the right thing to do. Running
away from problems wasn't his style, and he would face Relena with
all its consequences.

However, as he opened the hangar's side door, he spied Quatre,
joyously calling out her name, engulfing her in a big, comforting
bear hug that was typical of him. He couldn't make out the other's
expressions, but he could sense worry in his demeanour as he
practically tossed the unused umbrella to the hard soil and fussed
over Relena, his chatter vague in his ears.

A flare of raw jealousy burnt his mind, as he noticed Relena
fell into Quatre's embrace in sheer exhaustion, sobbing delicately
against the other man's shoulder. Quatre, surely oblivious to the
whole commotion, took the role of a gentleman and comforted her,
guiding her gently to the direction of the building.

And later, as he walked pass Relena's office to his own
office, he halted in the middle of his step as he accidentally
heard the conversation between the two. He never meant to
eavesdrop, but something in his mind urged him so.

"Quatre, I have decided…" Relena's gentle voice permeated the
wooden door, causing his heart to skip a beat.

"You have?" there was urgency and worry in Quatre's voice,
but Heero knew he was trying to appear calm in front of Relena.

"I will marry you,"

"Relena!" There was joyous laughter from inside, and, "What a
wonderful news!"

There was some more laughter – a happy and an uncomfortable
one – before a pause reigned.

"I…I…make me happy, Quatre! Please, just make me happy…"

Heero didn't care to hear the rest. The urge to assault
Quatre became stronger, but of course he had no right. He had made
his decision after all, and he couldn't redo the whole scene and
replay it as he wished. It was all too late. No matter how hard he
pledged his love to Relena, she wouldn't give him a chance. He had
hurt her, after all.

And he couldn't make her happy.

But Quatre would.

Unlike him who was incapable of love.

But he couldn't help the feeling of despair and
disappointment as he rushed into his own space, couldn't chase
away the echoes of Quatre joyous laughter as he succeeded in
making Relena his.

And deep down, he did realise…

Heero, you're one idiot man.