Belongings
Relena : Regrets
A Gundam Wing Fan fiction by Louise Tjandrasjahan
Part 01
Wedding in a rainy day. It supposed to be the day when happiness and
prosperity shining through, but the sky was pouring, and the atmosphere was cold
and sad. She had wished for a more cheerful day, but she realised the rain was
inevitable. She had long ago learnt to accept the ways of nature and walk
according to the flow of time.
But the rain was a stark contrast with the exuberance of a wedding. It
brought grimness and sombre moods, as if today was not a wedding but a funeral.
And she, Relena Darlian–Peacecraft, was getting married today.
She grimaced at her own bleak vision. Shaking her head slightly to clear
her mind, she frowned as she listened to the pitter-patters of the downpour
slapping the window's glass. Tentatively she gathered her voluptuous wedding
gown and stepped hesitantly toward the window, her pale blue eyes focused on
nowhere in particular. One sheer-gloved hand touched the glass; the glow in her
eyes intensified as she trailed a gliding raindrop. She sensed childlike
excitement, and she couldn't resist smiling as her eyes followed the wet trails.
Rain had always been her friend, accompanying her in the good and bad
times. She loved watching rain. In the good times, the melancholic atmosphere of
the rain would keep her feet firmly on the ground, preventing her to reach the
cloud nine of her fantasy. As for the bad times, the rain always gave her the
opportunity to ponder over her life in introspection.
Still, at least today, rain on her wedding day was a sign of bad luck, no
matter how much she loves it when it rains.
Such a bad omen. The wedding itself had felt all wrong to her since the
very day she committed herself into it, but a chill ran through her spine as she
watched the unfortunate downpour. It was as if the heaven itself cried for her
decision; its pouring tears dampened the spirit of festive.
Again, Relena shook her head against the thought, wishing in her life she
had never entertained such idea. But the question was unavoidable, she realised.
She was only having cold feet, was she not? No, it wasn't just. Every single day
she had doubted if it was the right decision to marry him, one of the most
eligible bachelors in the world and in the colonies.
He was Quatre Raberba Winner, the young rich tycoon of the Winner Oil
Company, who was also the man who had supported the redevelopment of the L4
Colony after the war. He was a kind and gentle one, and somehow she doubted the
wedding would benefit him in the long run. The path she had chosen seemed unfair
especially for him. Everybody told her she was a lucky girl, because he married
her for love. Other females would gladly throw themselves at his feet to be his
woman, but instead he sought for her affection. There were other beautiful women
more befitting to his classically handsome features, but he chose her.
She should have been grateful, but agitation reigned in her heart. She
wanted to run away from her responsibilities, from the situation that chained
her down in a miserable hell of self-pitying – to run away from herself. As
selfish as she might sound, she was never sure if she was able to survive the
spasms of self-doubt that would drum through her mind for the rest of her life.
Love was the keyword of her dilemma. Was that love she felt when she
gazed
into his clear sky blue orbs? The question had caused her to shudder in self-
loath and disgust. Of course, there were more than one occasion when he sensed
her frustration, but he would pretend everything was fine and hid his concerns
beneath his angelic smile.
Another question hit her. If it turned to be a loveless match at the end,
what would happen to their union? Divorce was an unthinkable move for her. As a
devoted Catholic, she believed in being married…for eternity. She would do it
once, and only once.
She always told herself Quatre loved her too much to lose her, or may be
that her feelings would be altered in time, so separation might be avoidable. In
any case, their marriage would be a peaceful one, and she could expect some
warmth from her future spouse.
And she knew perfectly well Quatre was the only man who could secure her
career and position as a prime minister and the already forged trade union
between the Earth and L4 Colony. Their bond dictated the future of their two
worlds.
Selfish was the only word came up in her mind whenever she was
contemplating the idea of ending their betrothal. But again, she couldn't. The
event was so grand and world-known, and a single mistake would destroy all the
efforts she went through to start free trade policy between the Earth and the
colonies.
And then there were also those gentle sky blue eyes of his, looking
vulnerable as he watched her with the look that said, 'Go on, tell me the truth
and I'll be out of your life.' She could never leave him out there, alone and
without love. At the end, it was the same decision over and over again, love or
no love. She had never had the heart to betray him, never wished to spur their
good relationship. She valued the friendship between them.
Passionate love might not be the best phrase to describe her feeling
toward him, but it was love she felt when she set her eyes on him for the first
time at her school of Pacifism. His gentle baby blue eyes smiled at her as he
stood in front of her, his stance proud and tall as he pleaded sanctuary from
the raging war. He had been a Gundam Pilot then. Still, he never let himself
stained by the art of killing, his innocence shining through as he accepted to
live with his sins. A little mischief always added a little spark in those blue
orbs, almost carefree and childlike. But most of all, it was the angelic smile
that had her taken aback. It melted the frost in her heart, and for a moment, it
managed to dissolve any winter in her mind.
However, the love was always a different kind of love for her. Her true
love had always been another man – Heero Yui, Quatre's comrade-at-arms. His
cobalt blue eyes, deeper than Quatre's by nature, were always blazing with
something – something Relena knew she had always been craving within herself. It
was passion. His lean, chiselled face displayed nothing but emptiness, but it
was in his eyes Relena discovered her own long dissipated ardour of love. The
force burnt her; it made her feel naked to her core, exposing her.
She almost wished she had met Quatre first before she met Heero, but she
realised even if she did meet Quatre first, she would still fall for Heero, even
though she realised that Heero would reject her whereas Quatre would welcome her.
Still she searched for Heero, sustaining herself from the energy he exuded
whenever she looked deeply into his eyes, craving it like a vampire craving
blood.
She was crazy. People told her so. They hated her misguided behaviour;
they never could stand her obsession and torturing herself. But he was her
euphoria, her reason to live and struggle. Call her insane, but promoting
pacifism was the only way to see him among other reasons she had developed on
her way to maturity. She challenged him to kill her only so she was able to see
those blue eyes again, to drink his passion, and to share her passion to him as
well.
But look at her now. No excitement, no life. No purpose…no, no, she was
struggling for that one. She wasn't made of flesh and bone alone; she was made
of steel. After all, she was of the house of Peacecraft, one of the greatest
ruler families on the Earth. Instead of crying out her miseries, she forced
herself to look around her and told herself everything was not over yet, even
when Heero was out of reach. She had always loved him, and he loved her as well.
The fact was crystal clear in her head, even when she didn't understand it
completely.
Heero didn't want to love, however. He chose to abandon the love and
leave
it to her to resolve. He wasn't game anymore. He was afraid to face the given
choices.
And she wasn't any younger. She had her people to think about, a future
to
rule. She needed security, people she could call as a family of her own, whom
she hoped, in return would offer her love, warmth and support, a place to call
home.
When Quatre had approached her with that angelic smile of him, she was
forced to contemplate her options. Marry, or not marry? Alone for the rest of
her life, or together with a man whom at least could be her best friend – a man
whom was stable enough to build a happy family with her.
She finally decided to try her luck and gave Heero the choices to love or
to leave her. Heero cowered – oh how she regretted it – and ran away. At the end,
in spite of her love for him, Heero just appeared to be a cruel man who toyed
with her feelings.
But Quatre…Quatre with his ever-ready smiles, he loved her. He really
loved her, despite the fact that she had always regarded him with sibling
affection. He always loved her, even to the point of worshipping. Looking at her
as a goddess, pampering and treating her delicately like a princess. He would do
all he could to win Relena's heart, and to make her happy.
Relena, amidst heartaches and the desire to be loved back, fell to this
pretty illusion of a promising life with this prince charming and agreed to
marry him. She thought she would be finally happy, but she could never shake off
the feeling of entrapment. She started to regret some things and longed for her
lively days with Heero around despite their dilemmatic relationship. She was
suffocated by her own swirl of her supposed happiness; guilt ate her conscience.
She could only promise one thing: she would be the good, perfect wife for
Quatre. She would at least play the role of the loving and attentive wife; she
would be loyal. She would be a friend for her husband, his most trusted ally.
She would make everything work just for him, so that he could have the happiness
she had never attained. Unlike her, he was the one who deserved to be happy the
most.
Relena winced when the thunder struck outside, the flash blinding her
eyes
momentarily. The young woman smiled as she was once again faced with another
reality. Slowly she made her way to a tall mirror, her sharp blue eyes
scrutinising the image on the frail surface. A tiny smile played on her lips,
her eyes glowing with unshed tears.
She was beautiful.
Catherine had done her make-up, and she had worked very hard to make her
the most stunning bride in the world. There was something deep and emotional
from the way Catherine worked. Relena believed she witnessed redness in the
other women's eyes when their gazes clashed. Other people might not realise it,
but she knew.
She was also a woman after all, and the conflict started to haunt her as
well, knocking on the door to her conscience. She was going to marry Quatre in
an hour, yet she was unable to forget Catherine's saucer violet eyes, brimming
with sadness. She couldn't believe herself asking the other woman to be her maid
of honour!
Catherine loved her soon-to-be husband. She wished she could do something,
but she was powerless. Never could she risk Quatre's reputation by leaving him
all of sudden alone in front of the altar. He had been too sweet to comply when
she had told him she was only to be married in the Church, fulfil even her
simplest request. Quatre had sacrificed his important belief to be together with
her. How could she be so cruel as to forsake him just hours before their wedding?
Blowing a strand of her fringe in frustration, Relena plopped down on the
chair in front of the mirror carelessly, sending the organza of her gown askew.
She sat silently for awhile, contemplating her options – where there was nothing
left. Slowly she raised her left hand. Her eyes softened as her gaze stayed on
the form of her engagement ring. In her mind, she pictured the wedding rings she
had chosen and bought for today.
'Wedding rings should be wear by two people who really trust each other…'
she said to him. 'They are the symbols of the marriage union'.
'Why couldn't we?' he had asked her back.
'We can't. We never owned each other from the beginning.'
Tears stung Relena's eyes. She knew she was right. They never owned each
other since the very beginning of their relationship. She offered herself to
Heero, but he refused her. Quatre loved her, and in return, she gave herself to
Quatre, so that she could love the other man back. But what happened?
She was Quatre's possession. He owned her, marked her, and chained her
with his engagement ring.
Relena's tears streamed down freely when she realised something. She did
want to love Quatre, but…
But her heart belonged to Heero.
Relena : Regrets
A Gundam Wing Fan fiction by Louise Tjandrasjahan
Part 01
Wedding in a rainy day. It supposed to be the day when happiness and
prosperity shining through, but the sky was pouring, and the atmosphere was cold
and sad. She had wished for a more cheerful day, but she realised the rain was
inevitable. She had long ago learnt to accept the ways of nature and walk
according to the flow of time.
But the rain was a stark contrast with the exuberance of a wedding. It
brought grimness and sombre moods, as if today was not a wedding but a funeral.
And she, Relena Darlian–Peacecraft, was getting married today.
She grimaced at her own bleak vision. Shaking her head slightly to clear
her mind, she frowned as she listened to the pitter-patters of the downpour
slapping the window's glass. Tentatively she gathered her voluptuous wedding
gown and stepped hesitantly toward the window, her pale blue eyes focused on
nowhere in particular. One sheer-gloved hand touched the glass; the glow in her
eyes intensified as she trailed a gliding raindrop. She sensed childlike
excitement, and she couldn't resist smiling as her eyes followed the wet trails.
Rain had always been her friend, accompanying her in the good and bad
times. She loved watching rain. In the good times, the melancholic atmosphere of
the rain would keep her feet firmly on the ground, preventing her to reach the
cloud nine of her fantasy. As for the bad times, the rain always gave her the
opportunity to ponder over her life in introspection.
Still, at least today, rain on her wedding day was a sign of bad luck, no
matter how much she loves it when it rains.
Such a bad omen. The wedding itself had felt all wrong to her since the
very day she committed herself into it, but a chill ran through her spine as she
watched the unfortunate downpour. It was as if the heaven itself cried for her
decision; its pouring tears dampened the spirit of festive.
Again, Relena shook her head against the thought, wishing in her life she
had never entertained such idea. But the question was unavoidable, she realised.
She was only having cold feet, was she not? No, it wasn't just. Every single day
she had doubted if it was the right decision to marry him, one of the most
eligible bachelors in the world and in the colonies.
He was Quatre Raberba Winner, the young rich tycoon of the Winner Oil
Company, who was also the man who had supported the redevelopment of the L4
Colony after the war. He was a kind and gentle one, and somehow she doubted the
wedding would benefit him in the long run. The path she had chosen seemed unfair
especially for him. Everybody told her she was a lucky girl, because he married
her for love. Other females would gladly throw themselves at his feet to be his
woman, but instead he sought for her affection. There were other beautiful women
more befitting to his classically handsome features, but he chose her.
She should have been grateful, but agitation reigned in her heart. She
wanted to run away from her responsibilities, from the situation that chained
her down in a miserable hell of self-pitying – to run away from herself. As
selfish as she might sound, she was never sure if she was able to survive the
spasms of self-doubt that would drum through her mind for the rest of her life.
Love was the keyword of her dilemma. Was that love she felt when she
gazed
into his clear sky blue orbs? The question had caused her to shudder in self-
loath and disgust. Of course, there were more than one occasion when he sensed
her frustration, but he would pretend everything was fine and hid his concerns
beneath his angelic smile.
Another question hit her. If it turned to be a loveless match at the end,
what would happen to their union? Divorce was an unthinkable move for her. As a
devoted Catholic, she believed in being married…for eternity. She would do it
once, and only once.
She always told herself Quatre loved her too much to lose her, or may be
that her feelings would be altered in time, so separation might be avoidable. In
any case, their marriage would be a peaceful one, and she could expect some
warmth from her future spouse.
And she knew perfectly well Quatre was the only man who could secure her
career and position as a prime minister and the already forged trade union
between the Earth and L4 Colony. Their bond dictated the future of their two
worlds.
Selfish was the only word came up in her mind whenever she was
contemplating the idea of ending their betrothal. But again, she couldn't. The
event was so grand and world-known, and a single mistake would destroy all the
efforts she went through to start free trade policy between the Earth and the
colonies.
And then there were also those gentle sky blue eyes of his, looking
vulnerable as he watched her with the look that said, 'Go on, tell me the truth
and I'll be out of your life.' She could never leave him out there, alone and
without love. At the end, it was the same decision over and over again, love or
no love. She had never had the heart to betray him, never wished to spur their
good relationship. She valued the friendship between them.
Passionate love might not be the best phrase to describe her feeling
toward him, but it was love she felt when she set her eyes on him for the first
time at her school of Pacifism. His gentle baby blue eyes smiled at her as he
stood in front of her, his stance proud and tall as he pleaded sanctuary from
the raging war. He had been a Gundam Pilot then. Still, he never let himself
stained by the art of killing, his innocence shining through as he accepted to
live with his sins. A little mischief always added a little spark in those blue
orbs, almost carefree and childlike. But most of all, it was the angelic smile
that had her taken aback. It melted the frost in her heart, and for a moment, it
managed to dissolve any winter in her mind.
However, the love was always a different kind of love for her. Her true
love had always been another man – Heero Yui, Quatre's comrade-at-arms. His
cobalt blue eyes, deeper than Quatre's by nature, were always blazing with
something – something Relena knew she had always been craving within herself. It
was passion. His lean, chiselled face displayed nothing but emptiness, but it
was in his eyes Relena discovered her own long dissipated ardour of love. The
force burnt her; it made her feel naked to her core, exposing her.
She almost wished she had met Quatre first before she met Heero, but she
realised even if she did meet Quatre first, she would still fall for Heero, even
though she realised that Heero would reject her whereas Quatre would welcome her.
Still she searched for Heero, sustaining herself from the energy he exuded
whenever she looked deeply into his eyes, craving it like a vampire craving
blood.
She was crazy. People told her so. They hated her misguided behaviour;
they never could stand her obsession and torturing herself. But he was her
euphoria, her reason to live and struggle. Call her insane, but promoting
pacifism was the only way to see him among other reasons she had developed on
her way to maturity. She challenged him to kill her only so she was able to see
those blue eyes again, to drink his passion, and to share her passion to him as
well.
But look at her now. No excitement, no life. No purpose…no, no, she was
struggling for that one. She wasn't made of flesh and bone alone; she was made
of steel. After all, she was of the house of Peacecraft, one of the greatest
ruler families on the Earth. Instead of crying out her miseries, she forced
herself to look around her and told herself everything was not over yet, even
when Heero was out of reach. She had always loved him, and he loved her as well.
The fact was crystal clear in her head, even when she didn't understand it
completely.
Heero didn't want to love, however. He chose to abandon the love and
leave
it to her to resolve. He wasn't game anymore. He was afraid to face the given
choices.
And she wasn't any younger. She had her people to think about, a future
to
rule. She needed security, people she could call as a family of her own, whom
she hoped, in return would offer her love, warmth and support, a place to call
home.
When Quatre had approached her with that angelic smile of him, she was
forced to contemplate her options. Marry, or not marry? Alone for the rest of
her life, or together with a man whom at least could be her best friend – a man
whom was stable enough to build a happy family with her.
She finally decided to try her luck and gave Heero the choices to love or
to leave her. Heero cowered – oh how she regretted it – and ran away. At the end,
in spite of her love for him, Heero just appeared to be a cruel man who toyed
with her feelings.
But Quatre…Quatre with his ever-ready smiles, he loved her. He really
loved her, despite the fact that she had always regarded him with sibling
affection. He always loved her, even to the point of worshipping. Looking at her
as a goddess, pampering and treating her delicately like a princess. He would do
all he could to win Relena's heart, and to make her happy.
Relena, amidst heartaches and the desire to be loved back, fell to this
pretty illusion of a promising life with this prince charming and agreed to
marry him. She thought she would be finally happy, but she could never shake off
the feeling of entrapment. She started to regret some things and longed for her
lively days with Heero around despite their dilemmatic relationship. She was
suffocated by her own swirl of her supposed happiness; guilt ate her conscience.
She could only promise one thing: she would be the good, perfect wife for
Quatre. She would at least play the role of the loving and attentive wife; she
would be loyal. She would be a friend for her husband, his most trusted ally.
She would make everything work just for him, so that he could have the happiness
she had never attained. Unlike her, he was the one who deserved to be happy the
most.
Relena winced when the thunder struck outside, the flash blinding her
eyes
momentarily. The young woman smiled as she was once again faced with another
reality. Slowly she made her way to a tall mirror, her sharp blue eyes
scrutinising the image on the frail surface. A tiny smile played on her lips,
her eyes glowing with unshed tears.
She was beautiful.
Catherine had done her make-up, and she had worked very hard to make her
the most stunning bride in the world. There was something deep and emotional
from the way Catherine worked. Relena believed she witnessed redness in the
other women's eyes when their gazes clashed. Other people might not realise it,
but she knew.
She was also a woman after all, and the conflict started to haunt her as
well, knocking on the door to her conscience. She was going to marry Quatre in
an hour, yet she was unable to forget Catherine's saucer violet eyes, brimming
with sadness. She couldn't believe herself asking the other woman to be her maid
of honour!
Catherine loved her soon-to-be husband. She wished she could do something,
but she was powerless. Never could she risk Quatre's reputation by leaving him
all of sudden alone in front of the altar. He had been too sweet to comply when
she had told him she was only to be married in the Church, fulfil even her
simplest request. Quatre had sacrificed his important belief to be together with
her. How could she be so cruel as to forsake him just hours before their wedding?
Blowing a strand of her fringe in frustration, Relena plopped down on the
chair in front of the mirror carelessly, sending the organza of her gown askew.
She sat silently for awhile, contemplating her options – where there was nothing
left. Slowly she raised her left hand. Her eyes softened as her gaze stayed on
the form of her engagement ring. In her mind, she pictured the wedding rings she
had chosen and bought for today.
'Wedding rings should be wear by two people who really trust each other…'
she said to him. 'They are the symbols of the marriage union'.
'Why couldn't we?' he had asked her back.
'We can't. We never owned each other from the beginning.'
Tears stung Relena's eyes. She knew she was right. They never owned each
other since the very beginning of their relationship. She offered herself to
Heero, but he refused her. Quatre loved her, and in return, she gave herself to
Quatre, so that she could love the other man back. But what happened?
She was Quatre's possession. He owned her, marked her, and chained her
with his engagement ring.
Relena's tears streamed down freely when she realised something. She did
want to love Quatre, but…
But her heart belonged to Heero.