Chapter09: Remembering the remembered.
~Hiro~
Perhaps, it's for the best. Maybe all this is a blessing in disguise like what the old proverb says after all. If only this could have happened earlier, it would be much better than the predicament now.
Amnesia - Anterograde Amnesia.
A damaged Temporal Lobe.
Partial Memory Loss.
Forgetting...
Forgetting the unforgotten.
Forgetting the unforgiven.
Forgetting the love and hate.
Forgetting the joy and pain.
Forgotten.
Forgetting Yuki Eiri.
Yet, it is the best. To me, it's the best. To Fujisaki, it's the best. To K, it's the best. To Sakano-san, it's the best. To Sakuma-san, it's the best. To Nuriko-san, it's the best. To Seguchi-Mika-san, it's the best. To Seguchi-san, it's the best. To Shuichi, it's the best.
There will be no pain. Shuichi will feel no pain. Nobody will feel any pain. Let the bygones be forgotten and be gone.
Shuichi will be fine. He will be.
He will be.
*** ***
~Yuki~
This is just too bad, isn't it? The happiness you thought would be yours is gone. Feh. Too bad.
... ...
What's the matter? Shutting up won't do you any good. Won't do you any good at all.
... ...
Heh. Well, isn't this just too familiar? This feeling. The silence. The ignorance. Isn't this all too familiar?
... ...
Was it...? Six years ago, wasn't it? Yes. six years and going to seven. I talked to you then too, right? It was our...little acquaintance. I've got to know you and you've got to know yourself. Ah...so it had been six years already. Remember how you tried to suppress me? How you fought and tried so hard and ended up crying there in the corner? I almost pitied you that time and take my leave. Ha. I admit I did underestimate you. Never thought you would create a new 'you', a new 'self' in you, or what I would call, an empty shell of solitude. Eh? Haha...hey, I am getting your literature genes from your mam! Haha...
... ...
Oh…still in silent mode I see. Don't worry, I have all the time in the world for you. Feh. You sure have become a tough one. Not the innocent sixteen chicken-wuss anymore, eh? Not the wishy-washy cry-baby anymore, huh?
... ...
Feh. Oh please...drop that narcissus of yours...Remember how Yuki died? You fucking killed him, remember? Remember that gunshot? Remember the bloody scene? You haven't forgotten, have you? You killed him. You killed Yuki. You killed sensei. You are a murderer.
... ...
Still keeping quiet? Oh alright. What's this? This Shindou Shuichi. Reminds you of Yuki eh? Heh. The way he keeps calling "Yuki, Yuki." The way he childishly jumps at you. The way he cares and loves you. Ha. Déjà vu, eh? Haha...Hahahaha...Hahahahahaha...
...Shut up.
Feh. What's the matter? Picked on your sore ass, did I? Hahahaha...hahahaha...
Shut up.
...You pathetic thing.
Shut up...
Shuichi has forgot everything about you.
Shut up...
You have hurt him to a state he no longer wants to remember you.
Shut up...please...
He has chosen death over you.
...Pl...please...shut...up...
And you found out he can fend himself so well without you, yet if you haven't meet him......Please...
You will die.
... ...
You will be torn.
... ...
You will let me take over you.
...Please.
For I am you.
... ...
***
~Shuichi~
Hm?
I woke up?
Heh...I can never know now. Day and night doesn't make a difference to me anymore. All I see in front is just a pitch-black pit. Endless. Lost. Alone. I try to be nonchalant about it. Try to picture out the faces of the people I talk to and the places I am in my mind all the time. It has always been like this ever since...ever since...
Ugh. My head hurts. I can't recall. When did I go blind? Ugh...shit...I can't think. What's happening to me?
... ...
I am dying.
I know I am. I will get the shudders and jitters whenever I think of death. I don't want to die. What's going to happen after death? Never mind the after-life thingy, I am just afraid to die. Afraid that this colourful world will leave me. Hm? Heh…this colorful world has left me, hasn't it? Haha...
Ha...ha...
Hm? Am I crying again? Oh yea...my eyes are wet.
... ...
Goddamnit. I've got to stop now. How I wish Hiro is here to keep me company, talk to me about his and Fujisaki's solo career and how everyone has been lately. I can be engaged in conversation and not get all this stupid shit thrusting into my fucked up mind. At least I won't cry like this.
I have been crying too much lately…Hm? Have I been crying lately? Shit...Itai...
Ah...what's this? There's something cold stuck on my finger. It...It's a...a ring.
Why?
Why am I crying again?
Why do I have this feeling in me?
Why do I feel that as if I have forgotten something so important to me?
... ...
Who...who gave me this...ring? Ugh...
Why...?
Why can't I remember?
What's the fucking wrong with me?
Why am I crying so fucking hard? Why am I crying? Because I am dying? No...it can't be. This is different. It's different from fear. It isn't fear. This feeling; this weird nostalgia... as if...as if something in me have broken and torn apart. As if...as if...it is guilt. I feel like I...have hurt someone so important...so important to me.
I am crying even harder now.
I can't stop crying.
I can't.
What's wrong with me?
***
~Tatshua~
This is the thirtieth time I rang the doorbell. Still not even a goddamn answer. I've decided to give it one more shot. Sis got pregnant and all and gotta stay put in the ward. Tohma-kun's with her. They heard what happenedl. Tohma doesn't want to be involve in this anymore for god-knows-what-happened-to-his-Eiri-otaku-spirit. So I got myself kicked here, outside Aniki's flat, standing here for almost half an hour, jamming the doorbell like an idiot.
BUZZ---
The door still won't open. That's it. I am forcing myself in. Ugh, there. Finally.
It's cold. Fuck the cooler. What's Aniki thinking?
Aniki! You in there?
No reply.
Hm?
Somone's…crying?
Aniki! Is that you?
There. In the bedroom. Aniki...god...is that Aniki at all? Unshaved. White as a sheet. Thinner than usual. Silent. Teary. Laying there like a living dead on the bed, looking aimlessly at the cold ceiling.
Aniki!
Aniki!!
Goddamnit! ANIKI!!
No reply.
ANIKI!!
Shit! Usegi Eiri!! Wake up!
Aniki look up slowly. He is still in his daze.
"...Shu...Shuichi? Is...is that you? Shuichi..."
...Aniki...
"...Please...don't go...don't go...Shuichi...please...don't go...don't...please..."
I...I don't know what to say. This is the second time I see Aniki in this state. The first was six years ago. I still remember. He was like this too. Shut himself from the whole world. Responding only to the name...Yuki...The difference now is he is calling for Shuichi instead of Yuki...
Aniki was hurt. And he is hurt again. Just like six years ago.
Shaking hard and whispering "Shuichi" under his breath non-stop as I help him from bed for a shower. Aniki is no longer himself. He is back to the innocent hurt child Usegi Eiri six years ago, far from the cool, resilient Yuki Eiri.
Aniki...
"...Shuichi...don't go...Shuichi..."
Aniki!
"...Shuichi...don't go...Shuichi..."
Aniki!! SNAP OUT OF IT!!
I can't control it anymore. I need to wake him up.
"... ...Tatshua....Tatshua..."
I am shocked nevertheless. Never thought this was enough to stunt him out of it. Never thought Aniki would lean against me and started crying so hard.
Aniki...stop tormenting yourself. It's not your fault. It's not yours.
"...Tatshua...Shuichi...Shuichi left me...He had left me..."
Aniki...He haven't. It's not the end yet. Trust me, Aniki.
"Shuichi..."
Aniki...Shuichi haven't left you yet. He haven't. He is still here, isn't he? His voice. His actions. His everything. In your mind. In your memories. Every single corner of this house. He is still here. You remember, don't you? What's important isn't what's being remembered, Aniki. What's important is you. That you remember the remembered. That you remember Shuichi. Shuichi lives in you, Aniki. He has and he wants to. Aniki...so please stop tormenting yourself...stop all this...
Please…
***
~Shuichi~
Hiro and co. visited me just now again. I am glad they did. I don't want to spend the end of my life crying over a ring. I don't want that...I don't want...
Shit.
Can I STOP crying for a minute?!
Why do I feel the pain? What's wrong with me? Why? Why? Why? Why? WHY?
I don't want to know why, yet I want to. I don't want to know why it hurt so much, yet I want to. I don't want to remember anything...remember? So...I have really forgotten something...God, I am crying even harder now. Stop...please...stop all this...My head hurts. My mind hurts. My heart hurts. I am hurting so much. Stop it...please...please...stop...
... ...
Who's there?
"…Me."
Who…who are you?
This voice. Why does it sound so familiar? Why does my heart ache even more now?
"Shuichi..."
Oh god...my head...it's killing me. Then...I feel this...man. He ran towards me and...and he...he hugged me. Oh god...I... am hugged by...by a...a MAN?! I try to push him away but I can't. He's too strong. He won't let me go. He...he...felt so...so warm...and I...I seem to know this warmth. I seem to know this warmth so well. I have been embraced by the very same warmth...a hundred times...a thousand times...a million times...And this scent of dirty cigarettes and whiskey. It's so...so familiar...so everyday...so common. Why? Oh god, why? Why did I go weak when this man hugged me? Why does his everything feel so familiar?
...Why am I crying?
"Shuichi...I..."
Why...?
Why do you feel so familiar?
Why do I give in to you?
Why do I have the urge to hug you back as tight as you did?
Why do I feel so painful here, in my heart?
Why do I feel all this crazy silly things in my head?
Who are you?
Why can't I remember?
I know you. I know I know you.
But why? Why?
Why...why am I crying so hard?
Why...?
Why...Why do I feel I want to be with you so badly?
Can you tell me who are you? Who are you?
"... ..."
"...I'm Yuki Eiri."
TBC