Fandom: Fruits Basket
Title: music without words.
Pairing: Hatsuharu x Yuki
Rating: PG
Description: (Au-ish) Yuki has finally told Tohru how he feels about her, but how is Hatsuharu going to handle it?
Disclaimer: Fruits Basket isn't mine.
music without words.
by miyamoto yui
Chapter 6 – Hounto no iro. (Real color.)
That's how we spent our days. We'd meet for lunch and sometimes, even though it was awkward for both of them, we all had lunch on the roof or grass together. Tohru and Yuki continued to pretend towards everyone else that there was nothing wrong.
That everything was the same as always, but because I knew, I could see right through it all.
Well, for myself, I hope they didn't notice how I was feeling. I hoped that my silence meant the same to them.
Everyday, though, when I looked at my calendar, the thought of death would encompass me and block out everything I needed or wanted to do for a large amount of time. Sometimes, I would do my homework and just completely stop. There were other times that I looked at the sky and wondered what the hell I was doing.
Was I truly this strong?
Or was I making it out that I was stronger than I really was deep inside?
I shook my head each time and stood firm. "No, this is what you chose. You stand by it, Haru."
By the next day, every single time I remembered those dark thoughts, I'd glance at Yuki. Kind and tender-hearted Yuki's face would give me a small smile and I'd forget what fear was.
Maybe it was idiotic, but that was his effect on me even though I never showed how I truly felt outside of the constraints of my mind.
+/+/+/+/+/
Nonetheless, these two good weeks vanished before I'd known it.
I knew it wouldn't last much longer, especially without telling Momiji the details of what was to come. I just told him my punishment was the scar over my heart.
He got upset that I'd been hurt in the first place, but he didn't say anything else to make me feel more uncomfortable than I already felt. He also was skeptical about me being let go so easily.
I just kept silent and listened to him without giving him any hints.
Well, I did tell him what the cause was, but not all the facts or all the minor details. I told him I was with Yuki on that rainy night, but nothing else besides that.
I couldn't possibly tell him we slept together or about Tohru. That was getting too personal.
It wouldn't have mattered so much if it weren't for the fact that facing Yuki or talking about this 'punishment' without telling its true horror was very difficult for me. Let alone express to anyone, even Momiji, how I was a little jealous of Tohru because she was the one who could do all the things I couldn't for Yuki.
And even if I could do the same things for Yuki, they wouldn't mean the same to him. It hurt to admit even that much.
But as always, I was quiet. I would just endure it.
Until this day, I couldn't figure out how I even had the courage to tell Yuki anything at all.
So, by the third week, we kept on visiting Shigure's house every single day to make Momiji happy. But as soon as we came there during mid-week, Shigure chuckled while scuffing at my hair saying, "I have to have a talk with you two taking some of my portion of Tohru-chan's wonderful cooking!"
The next day, which was Wednesday, I thought he was trying to avoid his editor when he told me, "Hide me."
But it was quite the opposite. He was taking me out to the forest alone to talk with me.
As he sat on a log, he looked at the ground. "I know you and Yuki have seen Akito. And all I want to know are…"
Playfully, he tapped my shoulder, "Details! I need material for my new novel with shounen ai in it!"
"Geh," I fell to one side and hit my head on the log. Hard.
"Seriously, what's going on, Haru? Even Akito's laughing at this situation and all he's telling me is that you have asked to have Yuki."
"Huh?" I gave him a confused face, also thinking how manipulative Akito was to phrase it in this manner. "What do you mean by 'have Yuki'?"
"To have your relationship accepted by him as in 'heading towards marriage'?" he joked again while patting my back gingerly, "But two guys can't get married and they can't have children! How are the two signs of the zodiac gonna be without the cow and the rat? Ever wonder about those future animal-less people out there? I mean Kyou's already having a hard time coming in as a member as it is! Then there are people like Tohru-chan who want to be the nonexistent year of the cat! You have to think about these things!"
Blinking at him, my eyes immediately looked down to the ground.
How was I going to phrase this?
It came out like this: "I told Yuki exactly how I felt about him even though I knew he didn't feel the same way about me."
Because of the hesitation in my voice, I could tell he got something. As to what, I didn't know what he understood, but by the perturbed and perplexed look on his face, I could tell he was thinking something along the lines of what I was trying to silently tell him.
I kind of hoped he wouldn't.
He had such an active imagination to say the least. I mean, c'mon, he's a writer. You have to be pretty deranged to always think of something to write. * sweatdrop *
It was now Shigure's turn to blink at me in surprise. "Oh…my."
He took a firm grip of my shoulders. "Does Momiji know?"
I shook my head.
He raised one eyebrow. "Are you going to tell him?"
"When it's time," I said, still thinking how I would tell him before 'the day'.
"But Yuki. How does Yuki feel about all this? I knew he was depressed over Tohru, but I didn't even know about you two."
Again, I shook my head. "Everyone misunderstands. We're not together."
My heart ached the split-second I admitted that truth.
"Then why is Akito saying you're going to be punished at the end of this month?" He looked at me so seriously I almost thought it was someone else that I was talking to and not him at all.
Shaking my head from side to side with a sad smile, my gaze touched the ground. "Because I don't want Yuki to love me in return."
"This doesn't make sense at all." His eyes became swirls, but when he stared deeply into me, he said, "Something's happening is there? I know there is because Hatori won't even tell me anything."
I knew I was going to fall deeper and deeper into despair with this conversation because when he said that, I felt very guilty about not telling him anything. But then again, I couldn't.
My lips remained shut for a few minutes without an answer to give him.
"If Yuki falls in love with me, he'll have to deal with living with Akito all his life. He'd lose his mind that way. I don't want that. Hell, I'm already losing mine."
"What does that have to do with you, though?"
Silence.
"You are losing your mind, I'd have to agree." He cleared his throat.
"Yeah…" I leaned forward.
"What are you afraid of, Haru?" He poked my heart and I cringed a bit.
"I'm sorry…"
When I pulled up my shirt to show him, his face became pale as if he wanted to apologize to me. As if he was responsible for hurting me.
I couldn't tell him, "I don't feel I'm worthy yet of Yuki's love. This is the only way I can protect him."
Instead, I answered, "The agreement is that he'll leave Yuki alone if he doesn't."
He let go of one shoulder. "What do you get in return for this?"
"I get to live."
He gave me a Mona Lisa type of smile. I couldn't tell if it was pity, fear, or sadness that he was feeling.
Taking a deep breath, I continued to look at the ground while his hand hung on my shoulder.
It's not the same as you guys would think, but I'll be able to be near Yuki. Always. I'll live through Yuki.
Not because he will have his memories of me, but because he will live out the life that I wouldn't have had if he didn't exist. I wouldn't have had thought of life differently and so I am forever grateful to him for it.
As I was about to get up, Shigure asked with a grave voice that seemed as if he wanted to cry, "Why…why were you hurt like Hatori?"
Hurt physically? Like his blind eye? Hurt mentally? When the person he loved married someone else, never knowing she loved him at all?
I turned to face him, but now, he wouldn't look at me. "I don't know."
I didn't know how to answer his question because it seemed too broad for me at that moment.
"Haru…" His grip on my shoulder became a bit firmer. "Tell me, Haru. What do you truly fear?"
My eyes widened while looking from side to side.
What are you trying to ask for, Shigure?
Teasing people was his hobby. But if Hatori was good at erasing memories, it was Shigure's talent to get you to say what you needed to truly hear.
With your own words.
Leaning forward, my head hung with my hands in clenched fists. It was as if a rush of all the lost emotions had finally caught up with me. And my tears burst out.
"That Akito will blame Yuki for…for this."
I couldn't say, "For this mistake." Because it wasn't.
If it cost me a million times to come back to hell and Akito was torturing me until the end of time, I would've still done the same thing.
"And Yuki will have to live with that for the rest of his life. And what I've strived for was gone. What I've lived for has all been in vain. The happiness I want Yuki to have will never come to him.
"And he will learn to associate his pain not with Akito any longer. It will be from me. In the end, I ended up hurting him more than Akito or anyone else."
Tears fell to the dirt before me.
"I will never forgive myself for that."
Tsuzuku…
-
Author's note: I know I fast-forward past two-and-a-half weeks, but I felt I should emphasize that Haru was keeping his word about keeping things normal. Now, we will descent into the depths of this angst. * weeps *
I hope you're enjoying the fic as much as I feel endeared by Haru's personality here. He's weak, yet strong at the same time.