Disclaimer: Gravitation does not belong to me.
Chapter10: Sayonara
It was cold but moist with the moonlight in room 718 of Hakuna Byouin.
Yuki Eiri surveyed at what he had in his arms - a boy, an idiot, Shuichi. He, in his phosphorescent golden yellow eyes and a wry lost boy's smile, watched Shuichi in his slumber with an occasional soft snore. As he contoured Shuichi's skin gently with his hand, the latter, would shudder and twitch, like a child would while dreaming. And whenever Shuichi did that, an urge to kiss Shuichi would flood his mind. But, he would suppress this urge for it hurt. It hurt to kiss Shuichi. It hurt to love him even more than what was more than ever now. It hurt to hold him ever tighter and closer. It hurt so much for he would be reminded that Shuichi was falling apart, Shuichi was dying, Shuichi was leaving him…unless the operation, on the day after, would be a success. Yuki had tried to find a distraction, to refrain from thinking about the events two days later, to save himself from the brink of despondency. His attempt was fallible. He failed to find anything to help him take his mind off Shuichi. Shuichi had always been the one that kept him distracted.
"Do you know how much you are hurting me now, Shuichi?"
The thought came unwelcome. The whole aloofness was to reject the whole world before others could intrude his feelings. Shuichi was hurting him. Yet, a part of him was willing and glad to let Shuichi to hurt him. He cupped Shuichi's face. The moonlight illuminated a soft tinge of pink on his cheeks. He couldn't understand the predicament he was in. He realized he had finally allowed Shuichi to have his rightful place in his heart.
"Shuichi..."
He kissed Shuichi, with a voice in his mind shouting so loud: "I'll never get over you. I'll never recover." Shuichi opened his eyes softly as the warmth on his lips awakened him.
"...I can't sleep." Yuki replied softly to Shuichi's sleepy questioning expression and twitched a little in pain, as he could no longer feel the warmth that was lost altogether with Shuichi's eyes.
"...Yu...Yuki..." Shuichi could only make out Eiri's name. The kiss had burned his heart to ashes even in sleep. It had been three weeks. Three weeks without a single memory of Yuki. Nevertheless, regardless of what he learnt about their relationship through Hiro and Yuki himself, Shuichi could not help himself from staying close to this man whom he couldn't even picture out his appearance nor his face. It hurt his head so much from trying to remember Yuki. No, not only his head. His heart ached too from trying to remember Yuki. His heart ached too from knowing he couldn't remember Yuki. His heart ached too from feeling love from a man who loved him so much even though knowing that he could not remember him at all. His heart ached so much to make him realize that "he" actually love Yuki so deeply...so painfully...
Shuichi threw his hands into the air, trying to reach out for Yuki before the latter caught them with his face. "What's wrong...?" Shuichi asked.
"Nothing..."
"...Oh..." A silence.
"It's your eyes." Shuichi's eyes, Yuki said, are of an innocuous green, much darker when remembered.
"…And your…irking pink hair," Yuki added on enigmatically, smoothing Shuichi's hair back.
"…you like them?"
"Mm." A silence.
"...What time is it? Yuki?"
"...It's almost dawn, I guess..."
"Mm..." A silence.
"Shuichi..."
"Hm?"
"...No...Nothing..." A silence.
Shuichi adjusted himself till he had his mouth against the neck of Yuki's shirt and rested his head on Yuki's shoulder as if he had known him always and Yuki was his bodyguard. Yuki tightened his lock around Shuichi's waist as if he never wanted to let go and Shuichi was his one and only possession till the end of the world. There were the seldom footsteps. There were the occasional coughs from other patients' bronchial tissues. But the cloak of sleep and peace is never drawn, even when the soft morning sunlight fell as light as a feather upon them.
***
"Lunch."
"I don't want it." Shuichi let out a soft sigh. He had enough of the hospital's food.
"You've got to eat something," Yuki placed the lunch tray beside the bed. "Come'on. Oh alright...I'll feed you."
"I don't want it. I have enough of ve-ge and broth. Give me a break..." Shuichi pouted like he always did whenever Yuki didn't give in to him.
Yuki smiled sadly upon the familiar pouting-puppy-Shuichi, uncertain whether he was lamenting or reminiscing the past. He sipped a little broth and mouth-feed the surprising Shuichi, which soon deviated to a passionate long kiss stinging breathless sweetness on both of them. "So...do you still want your broth?"
"Not unless you feed me again." Shuichi replied with a slight red blush on his cheeks.
***
Forgive me is all I can say, Yuki. Forgive me for not being able to remember you. Forgive me for hurting you that much. Forgive me for loving you this much. Forgive me.
***
You are quiet now because you understand, Shuichi. You understand my feelings of love for you. You understand my feelings of absence from my own life. You understand my feelings of fear of losing you and myself. You understand. You know. But you don't know I don't remember in the past. I don't remember what's it like to be the most important person to someone. I don't remember what's it like to have the most important person of my life. But now, because of you Shuichi, I remember so ever clearly. Because of you Shuichi, I can never recover from your love. It doesn't matter if you remember me or not. It doesn't matter if you push me away and treat me like a stranger. It doesn't matter if you hurt me or not. Because Shuichi...you changed me. You light up my life.
***
Night.
Shuichi, though having lost his sight, felt Yuki waiting for him. He couldn't speak with this feeling. He was seething, flushing, quaking.
"Shu...Shuichi..." Yuki breathed.
"Ugh...Yuki...ah...stop...this...this...we...we are in a...hos...hospital."
"I...I can't..."
"Ah...ah..." Shuichi was shaking with the sweet rage of his body. Nerves whine and shudder. His blood was singing under those nerves. Yuki was making him cry. Yuki was making all the crazy, stupid things running wild in his head. Yuki was making love in Shuichi. Shuichi felt that this had nothing to do with the biology and physical needs. He felt Yuki light caress, slow movements and gentle touch. He felt Yuki loving him, caring him and…forgiving him.
"Yu...YUKI...AH..."
***
They say angels smile with pleasure when they harvest the tears of the dying from hell. What do angels do with tears then --- drink them? And so you smile like an angel when you touch me...and now you drink my tears as I cry. Yuki. If this is ever the last night I'll spend with you, I want to be an angel too.
***
To love is the masterpiece. This is just a line in my novels. But when I love, I have lost sight of everything except what I want you to see. Shuichi.
***
"I cherish you so much, Shuichi."
***
"What is it that's stopped you from loving?" Shuichi finally asked. Post-breakfast, morning lovers' talk.
Yuki was silent for a while. "I didn't expect a real question." Topic of discussion: Yuki. Kitazawa Yuki.
"Tell me, Yuki. I want to know. Please?" Shuichi was persistent.
"…I told you before."
"…I…I don't remember…" Shuichi bent down, sobbing a little which made Yuki jolt with regret and apology.
"…Don't let it get to you…baka." Yuki reached out briefly and touched Shuichi's hair. "…I'll tell you again."
And so Eiri spoke, somewhat breathless yet with a distinct overtone of detached lamentation, stumbling a story much more of a task than solving writer's block. It was a story that had hurt him not once but twice, making him suicidal more than twice. It was his story, yet not. It was his sorrid tale, yet he resisted giving in to it.
He could only piece the fragments left. They were all just pieces of a missing-piece puzzle of his past, Yuki and himself, like am untidily cleared up mess of a broken glass ball yet still shivering with penetrating reflections. New York. Yuki-sensei. Yuki-sensei's smile. Yuki-sensei's voice. Yuki-sensei's actions. Yuki-sensei's eyes. Intimidation. Rape. Intimidation. Rape. Intimidation. 10 bucks. Intimidation. Gunshot. Fear. Heartbroken. Fear. Lost. Fear. Shut down.
Then, eleven weeks after the event, on a July night, Tohma came into the very apartment where it took place, determined, as per usual, to make him talk. And there was Eiri. Unrecognizable with every pulse retarded, as if he could no longer metabolize the truth. He had slowed down until he had become, almost, in total paralysis, both physically and psychologically, suffering in absolute prosternation.
"Me." - the first mutter of the fragile sixteen-year-old after eleven weeks of sheer silence.
"Eiri-san…"
"It was because of me."
"…It is not your fault." Tohma turned away a little, with tears streaming down that already lugubrious pale face. "Eiri-san…let's go back."
"I can't…I can't go back."
"Eiri-san…"
"I remembered very well - my first day here, my first Christmas eve here. He said I was the Santa Claus bringing him his Christmas present. I am Santa." Eiri continued in a slow monotonous voice with no indication that he was still crying at all.
"…Let's go, Eiri-san." Tohma tugged Eiri's back and he walked with no resistance at all and guided him through New York City until they reached the airport. Eiri never looked back at the apartment for the next seven years of his life.
***
Shuichi felt the heavy silence as Yuki's voice died out with a painful note. He felt for Yuki's face, gently comforting him.
"I don't remember how many times I told myself: I'll keep changing and find myself but I'll never love again. Yuki was…the most important to me. He is still important to me. I'll never forgive myself if I ever forget him." Eiri continued slowly.
Shuichi withdrew his hands from the warm cheeks. He had done the exact thing. "Yuki is the most important to me. I'll never be able to forgive myself if I ever forget him." He can never forgive himself. Never be able to - forever hurt and crucified with the pain of forgetting the most important person of one's life. Shuichi sobbed softly, not knowing whether he was crying for Yuki or himself.
"But…Shuichi…you…you've changed me." Eiri pulled the surprised Shuichi into his embrace, gently wiping his tears away. "I can never forgive myself for forgetting Yuki…but I can forgive you for forgetting me…Because Shuichi…right now…I…I…you…you…you are…the most important to me. Now, you are the only one I can see in my eyes…I…I…I don't want…you…you to…leave me. I need you. So you've got to live, Shuichi. For me. For yourself…for…for us…"
***
You need me. You sat there, right beside me but I can't say what I feel. I have wanderer all round searching for you but I can see nothing but sheer emptiness in front of me. Yet, what makes me need you as much as you need me? I wander. I wonder. I follow. For an answer that is too obvious…too painful…
This love of desiring too much; this love of caring too much; this love of loving too much. This love…is wrong.
***
I was always in the dark with a blindfold, crucified by the cross of pain and dejection. I was always crying in the narrow bed, excruciated by the merciless cold of the night. I was the fallen hermit until you came along, picked me up, released my blindfold and wiped away my tears. You brought me to heaven, yet the angels wept for you as you fell and as I was graced. I saw you fall. I saw you closing your eyes. I saw you. Thus, I decided to fall with you too.
***
"Shuichi."
"Hiro?"
"Yes." Nakano Hiroshi sat himself beside Shuichi. "How are you feeling?"
"Okay, I guess." Hiro was like that as long as Shuichi remembered - always caring, warm and friendly and forever charming Shuichi with concern. Fujisaki once told Shuichi if the world would ever end upon the latter, "Nakano-san will still be there for you." Fujisaki was right - Hiro was here.
"Where's Yuki-san?"
"He went home to get something."
"I see...how's things going for the two of you?"
"...Good."
"Still can't remember him, can you?" Hiro asked quietly.
Shuichi twitched a little - he couldn't, no matter how hard he tried. There wasn't even a single flash of Yuki in his head. Was he going to die like this forgetting the one who loved him most? Was he going to die like this hurting the one that had just regarded him as the most important? Was he going to die at all? - with fear and pain; prostrated in the soul and broken-hearted. Tears wet Shuichi's eyes again echoing the voiceless woe in his throat.
"Shuichi...I...I am sorry. I don't mean to..." Hiro stumbled on his words, regretting his question. He should have known not to hurt Shuichi anymore. He should have known better than anyone.
"It's alright...You are right...I can't remember Yuki...I can't..." A heavy silence followed with Shuichi punctuating a sob at moments.
"...Ah...Fujisaki, K and Sakano-san will be here later."
"...Ah..."
"Shuichi...I am sorry." Hiro apologized again. It was unbearable to see his best friend cry anymore, especially in the state he was right now.
"I know." Shuichi gave a small nod. The uncomfortable silence continued.
"...Remember the first time I lent you the Nittle Grasper CD? You were so fanatic about Sakuma-san at that time. I remembered skipping classes with you one day, just to go get the limited Nittle Grasper's poster. I remembered you told me one day that you want to sing like Sakuma-san and I'll be your shining knight in amour with a guitar instead of a sword...Haha...those were the days...Haha..."
"Haha...yea...those were the days. I never thought I will make it to what I am today...or I was yesterday..."
"Shuichi..."
"Never thought I would...really...Singing...Singing was my passion. My dream. But...they are all in the past now..."
"No…Shuichi..." Hiro looked down, unable to face Shuichi's unfeeling expression.
"I am dying. You know I am, Hiro."
"No! Shuichi...you are not! You can't die! Not like this, Shuichi! Not like this!" Hiro could no longer control it anymore. He wanted to shout, to explode and cry. Shuichi was his friend - his childhood friend, his best friend - one whom he had known for nineteen years of his life; one whom he had shared his dreams with. And Shuichi was going to take his leave.
"Hiro..." Shuichi caught hold of Hiro's face with his hand slowly.
"You can't die, Shuichi...You can't...It's not the time yet. You've got to live...Shuichi...You've got to...Everyone needs you. K. Sakano. Fujisaki. Me! We need you! You can't walk out like this...It's not fair...You can't walk out like this...No...Yu...Yuki-san...he needs you too...Shuichi..." It was the first time Hiro cried so hard in front Shuichi. He had cried to Shuichi before but not like this. These were tears of real pain and utter sorrow.
"Hiro...I..."
"Shuichi..."
"I...won't die like this. I won't."
***
"I never thought of seeing you again." Yuki Eiri sighed softly outside his apartment's front door. "I thought you won't want to see me again."
"Indeed, I don't want to see you again." It was Seguchi Tohma. "But I can't help myself. Eiri-san." Silence followed.
"How's she?" Yuki turned around slowly, lining up his eyes with that of Tohma's.
"She's doing well. The baby is healthy...how's Shindou-san?"
"He's...fine."
"You sure of it?"
"... ..."
"Eiri-san..."
"I'm going in." Yuki interrupted as he marched into his apartment, into his study. Tohma perambulated into the apartment and circled around the living room silently.
Nothing had changed here. There was always this empty cold feeling with a contradicting tint of alluring gaiety whenever Tohma entered this house. It felt like a ticklish paradox that couldn't get out of his head. But, it was only like this when Shindou Shuichi moved in a year ago. Before that, there was only the heaviness of solitude. Tohma couldn't decide whether this was a happy or a sad apartment. There was indeed a choking melancholy in the house but beneath that, there was a sparkling robust gem of energy.
"I need to go back now."
Tohma jolted, with his thoughts interrupted by Eiri's voice. "Go back? To Shuichi...?"
"Yes." Yuki breathed out softly, stopping in front of his door, unable to explain the sudden thrust of despondency in his head. Go back to Shuichi...Go back...to Shuichi...
"Eiri-san."
"... ..."
"What if...what if Shindou Shuichi dies? What if he dies? What will...you do?"
"... ..."
"What will you do...?"
"Tohma...I promised him." Eiri sighed. "I promised to find him...no matter where he is...I promised him…"
Without another word, Eiri shut the door. And Tohma echoed the silence of the house with his tears.
***
Friends and Family - people I'll never repay enough for their kindness and warmth. But you are different. I want to touch you. I want to caress you out of your life. I want to be in you, of you and under you. Therefore, I want to live.
Because of you, Yuki.
***
Shuichi opens the door for me. He's always so beautiful when he open it. His beauty is my cure, the first I'll ever have, the last I'll ever need.
***
"I don't want to sleep tonight, Yuki." Shuichi snuggled his head under Yuki's chin, on Yuki's chest and took in a deep breath, swooning himself with the combination of dirty cigarettes and whisky.
"I don't want to either." Yuki replied as he brushed Shuichi's hair, inhaling the familiar faint strawberry scent from it.
Tomorrow would be the day. The day Shuichi would be in the operation ward. But both of them wanted to stay silent about it. Neither of them wanted to think about what was going to happen tomorrow. No one was allowed to. They were just going stay this way – safe, at peace, calm, for now. At least, this was going to be for the night.
"...They are going to shave my hair off before the operation." Shuichi said quietly.
"...Oh…"
"I don't want that."
"You have to."
"You like my hair."
"No, I don't."
"You said you do."
"I said I like you more than your hair."
"… …"
It was a quiet argument. No agitation. No pouting. No nothing. It was just a quiet conversation.
"...Yuki..." Shuichi broke the silence again.
"Mm?"
"Let's go to the park."
"What?" Yuki looked down at Shuichi, awed by his request.
"Let's go to the park. I want to go to the park where we met." Shuichi repeated patiently.
***
"We're here." Eiri guided Shuichi slowly towards the spot - the spot where everything started. He sighed quietly at what was in front of him. Nothing had changed here at all but everything had changed for the both of them.
"Tell me…tell me what this place looks like." Shuichi, as if entranced, requested as he laid his head on Eiri's chest, breathing in the cool air and Eiri's warmth altogether.
Eiri stared blankly at what was in front of him. The park was his "dumping ground" in the past. This was the place where he would always come and take short walks, exhausting his tiredness and thoughts silently. Pre-Shuichi or post-Shuichi, this was the place he could actually relieved himself from both physical and mental exhaustion…at least when he had made sure he was alone in the park and all.
"…There's the night scenery of Tokyo's right below of us…" Eiri began. "And…the few dim lamp posts all lined up beside the railings. There are the benches…the rock-tiled pavement…the bushes…trees…and…"
"And…I was here…"
"Hm?"
"I was here…I…I took…took out something…a paper…lyrics…my lyrics…"
"Shu…ichi…"
"And…and there was the wind…I…I sneezed…and I…the…lyrics slipped…off…and…and…and then…I…I ran…I ran…and ran…and I…I stopped." Tears were starting to envelope Shuichi's eyes inconspicuously as he continued to speak.
"And…And…there…there…there's this…shadow…shadow…a…a…a…man…ugh..."
"Shuichi!" Eiri grabbed hold of Shuichi before the latter got the weak knees from the pain in his head.
"The man…he…he…ugh…aah…my head…" Shuichi struggled just as hard to hold onto Eiri as he was trying to remember. He couldn't give up now. He did not want to give it up. He would not allow himself to give it up. He wanted to remember. He wanted to so badly, so strongly, so obsessionally.
"Shuichi…that's enough…I'm bringing you back…"
"NO! I WANT TO REMEMBER! I WANT TO REMEMBER NOW!" Shuichi bellowed with tears still streaming along the contours of his cheeks. He was feeling anger and frustrations already…with himself…for being so weak and fragile and…useless. Can't you just remember this? It's not a difficult task. Not at all! What's the matter with you, Shindou Shuichi? What the freaking matter is with you?
"No, we'll go now."
"I don't want to! I don't want to! Yuki, please!! Just this once…I want to remember! I want to! I don't want to die like this not even remembering your face. I don't want that! I don't give you a damn whether you forgive me or not! I want to remember you! I want to! I want to! I want to!!!"
"Shuichi…" Eiri brushed Shuichi's cheeks gently, wiping away the tears just like he did before countless times. He was not sure what he should be feeling right now. Sad? Angry? Happy? He did not know. Right now, he just didn't want Shuichi to cry. He just didn't want to see Shuichi sad anymore. No more...
"You won't die baka…"
"…Gomen…Yuki…Gomenasai…" Shuichi buried his face into Yuki's embrace. "I
am sorry…Yuki…I shouldn't be shouting at you…I shouldn't be…sumimasen, Yuki…I
am sorry…I…"
"…Saino…" Eiri breathed softly, pushing Shuichi a little.
"Huh…?"
"…Saino zero da…"
Shuichi widened his eyes before…
"…and that man…that man…was…was…"
"Shuichi…"
"That man was you…It was you…ha…I…I…I…remembers…haha…I…I remembers…ha…I remembered…I remembered Yuki…I…I…*sob*…I remembered you…Yuki…I remembered…*sob*…YUUUUUKKIIIIIII~!" Shuichi sniped an embrace into Yuki again, crying out 'Yuki' under his sobs repeatedly and loudly. He remembered now. He remembered Yuki - Yuki's hair; Yuki's eyes; Yuki's face; Yuki's lips; Yuki himself. He remembered.
"Baka…" Eiri smiled weakly.
***
If forgetting someone is the greatest sin ever to be committed by one, then remembering someone who was forgotten must be the greatest gift to be given to one. I want to give that gift to you, Yuki.
***
You are always there, under the beautiful sunlight, in the warm spring fields, smiling at me. But I can only look back at you blankly with love, friendship, sympathy, anticipation, obsession, care, unrest and desire. For I am afraid you will break us into destruction.
I want to save this feeling. I want to save this love.
***
Shuichi laid down slowly on the bed as instructed by the nurse. This was the moment. In thirty more minutes, he would be under anesthetic, losing all sensations, falling into one deep sleep he wouldn't know when he would wake up...maybe never to be awaken again. Shuichi shuddered at the thought. No…I won't die like this. I won't. There are still so many things I want to do. So many things I want to say. I can't die like this. Like Hiro said. Like Yuki said. Yuki…
No sooner, two nurses, making their way towards the operation ward, pushed Shuichi out of the preparatory ward on his bed, which, along the way, seemed as if eternity had swept past Shuichi. He was remembering even though he couldn't decide between being lamenting or reminiscing the past. He was just simply recalling the events of his life - His kindergarten years. Befriending Hiro. Elementary school. Happy moments. Carefree. All play and no work. Middle School. First year, Spring – Sakuma Ryuichi and Nittle Grasper. Fanatic. Crazy. Singing. Dreams. High School. Dreams. Singing. Band. Bad Luck with Hiro. Post-High school. Bad Luck. Yuki Eiri. Singing. Love. Dreams. Yuki Eiri. Singing. Happiness. Yuki Eiri. Tumor. Cancer. Blind. Amnesia. Death. Death. Death. Uncertain. Frustrated. Forlorn. Desperation. Death. Death. Death. Yuki Eiri. Love. Love. Love. Death. Death. Death. Love. Death. Yuki. Now…
Flashes of his life glowed silently amidst the empty darkness before him. Yuki…he couldn't remember everything about Yuki yet actually. He could only recall the day they met and Yuki's face and these two images were resonating in his mind as his heartbeat raced upon the footsteps of the nurses. Yuki…Yuki…Yuki…Yuki…nothing else but Yuki…
"I am not going to die like this."
"I am going to live."
Shuichi reaffirmed himself over and over again.
But death. Death was so distantly heinous yet so closely horrendous. Death, the unknown - the ultimate end. Everything would end if death comes, wouldn't it? Feelings and memories and all. They would all come to an end too, wouldn't they? Everything…everything would just become a memory.
"I am not going to die like this."
"I am going to live."
***
"Gambatte yo, Shuichi!! You still have to keep shining with me, remember?" Sakuma Ryuichi jumped on Shuichi as the latter, in the bed with the two nurses, reached the aisle leading towards the operation ward.
"Sakuma-san…"
"Ne!! Pika pika!!"
"Mm…pika pika!" Shuichi replied with as much genki-ness he could gather.
"You'll be alright! Shuichi-kun." Noriko Ukai voiced out as she planted a small peck on Shuichi's cheeks, making him flush a little. This was the first kiss he ever received from a woman. It felt somewhat weird but warm at the same time. "You'll be just fine." Noriko re-stated her statement again with Shuichi nodding as a reply.
"He WILL be fine. All my singers only die under my gun." K patted Shuichi on the head as he winked at Noriko. "Shuichi WILL be fine and kicking."
"K…"
"Shindou-kun, Bad Luck's still here waiting for you." Sakano took his turn to speak. "We still need your voice, Shindou-kun."
"That's right! I re-did "The Rage Beat's" arrangement, again. Hehe…it will be so much better than yours. I want to show it to you and I want you to sing it, Shindou-san. Just you!" Suguru continued with a pompous yet heartfelt grin.
"Sakano-san…Fujisaki…"
"Shuichi…" Hiro stood out from the corner and hugged Shuichi from the bed.
"Hiro…" Shuichi hugged back as tight as he felt Hiro's warmth on him. Nineteen years - nineteen years of friendship, dreams, and gratitude. Nineteen years of what felt like eternity. All these were expressed in the embrace of the two buddies in the next 19 seconds. "Arigatou…Hiro…Honto no arigatou…"
"Shuichi…you promised me. You promised me you won't die like this, right?" Tears gathered and flowed down Hiro's hazel brown eyes as he tightened the embrace even more. Nothing could describe what he was feeling now. No words could voice out what he was thinking now. He just wanted this moment, with his soul mate, his best best best best friend, to last forever.
"Mm…" Shuichi replied softly. "I won't die like this."
The two friends hugged one more time - the longest ever; the most emotional ever. And after they let go slowly, the nurses continued to push Shuichi towards the operation ward till…
"Shuichi…"
"…Yuki…"
The next moment was a quiet embrace evoking feelings of love and passion and yet, emptiness into the chambers of everyone's heart. There were the two fateful lovers, Shindou Shuichi and Yuki Eiri, gripping and clinging to each other, never wanting to let go even if the sky was to fall on them. Everyone watched the two thinking - so is this love? Never wanting to let go; never wanting to part, forgiving and giving; heart to heart. Clinging onto each other even though it would hurt so much…so much…
"Yuki…Yuki…Yuki…" Shuichi let out soft whimpers as the embrace continued, as if wanting to make sure for this moment, Yuki was with him. Yuki was clinging onto him. Yuki was supporting him. Yuki was there for him. And as he cried out for Yuki every single time, he wanted so much to tighten his hold onto Yuki so that time would stop at this very instant. Eiri would reply with a soft brush on Shuichi's back or calling back "Shuichi" just as gently, letting Shuichi cry softly on his chest, pulling Shuichi into the safety of his arms, placing the ring on Shuichi's hand which he had chained together with his before.
"Yuki…Yuki…I…Yuki…I…" Shuichi could no longer stop himself. He was crying more and more painfully every second, burying his voice where there was no chance of recovering it. And soon, he felt a kiss. A swooning kiss of painfulness and misery that spelled an even more tightening squeeze on his ribcage. A nostalgic kiss that was conveying a message so obvious - "I am nothing without you."
"Shuichi…" Eiri breathed onto Shuichi lips when they broke the kiss and coiled up on each other again, professing to the world what their feelings for each other was more than love and companionship. It had surpassed all physical needs and even spiritual bonds. Their love was more than that, more than beyond what words could describe. This could only be felt. Not told; not described; not drawn, but only to be felt.
"Come back to me." Eiri finally said. "Come back to me, alright?"
"Yuki…Yuki…I…I…Yuki…I…Eiri…Eiri…YUUUUKKIIIII~!" Shuichi screamed. There were so much emotions, so many feelings. This was too much for him to take. Too much; too heart wrenching; too cruel.
The rest present could only watch in conspicuous torment of sorrow, either turning away from witnessing the agony or crying for the two silently.
"Please…this is the hospital. And he has to go now…" One of the nurse, though overwhelmed by grief, said.
"…Yuki…Yuki…don't…Yuki…don't…" Shuichi was still whimpering in a distorted volume but fell silent when he was pulled for another excruciating long kiss filled with yet again. Desperate anguish and unspoken deprival sunk into the aisle. Everyone was feeling the breathlessness of pain.
"…I love you." Eiri whispered softly as he pulled away, allowing himself to release his tears, kissing away Shuichi's tears. "Come back to me…Shuichi…" He said again as he watch helplessly Shuichi being pushed into the operation ward.
"Matte yo…" Shuichi wailed softly as he approached the door. "Matte yo…MATTE!!" Yet, the nurse kept on moving.
"MATTE~…Yuki Yuki YUKI YUKI YUUUUUKIIIIIIIIIII!!" Shuichi pulled himself off the bed, broke through the nurses and stumbled himself forward to be caught by Eiri once again.
"YUUUUKIIII…Yuki…Yuki…don't leave me…don't leave me in there…I beg you…I beg you…please…don't…don't leave me here…don't…Yuki…Yuki…don't…AAAAAAAH….AAAAAAAAHHHH…" Shuichi couldn't do it. He just couldn't do it without Eiri by his side. He just couldn't.
"Shuichi…please…don't be like this…"
"I can't I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T!!!! Yuuukiiii….please…I beg you…PLEASE!!! ONEGAI!!!!!" Shuichi was breaking himself with his deafening cries. With one last scream, he fell down with Eiri holding onto him to break his fall. "Yuki…I beg you…I beg you…" Shuichi could only continue choking up his words and Eiri could only hold onto him crying silently, hurting in the heart to see his lover like this.
And it hurt the rest too, especially Hiro who was unable to continue seeing the two struggling like this. Hiro could no longer bear what brutal fate had cast upon the two. Why? Why does Shuichi have to suffer like this? Why does Shuichi have to go through this at only the age of 19? Why? Why is fate so cruel, so heartless, so abusive, and so beastly to him? Why? Why? Why?
"Please…please…let him go with Shuichi…" Hiro said to the nurse.
"What? Letting him observe the operation? But…"
"Please…I beg you." Hiro kneeled down as he broke down, leaving the nurse no choice but to consent his request.
Hiro watched Eiri carried Shuichi, still crying softly, in his arms after looking silently back at Hiro for a minute to express his graditude, and ambulated heavily in despondency towards the operation ward. At that moment, Hiro prayed. Hiro prayed so ever hard. He prayed so hard for Shuichi that he would live through this, that he would have the happiness he deserved, that he would keep his promise.
"Please…"
***
I can't let myself leave you.
I can't say 'sayonara'.
***
I can't let you leave me.
I can't say 'sayonara'.
-TBC-