Disclaimer: The world and characters depicted in this story are owned by J.K. Rowling.
A/N: This is my first fanfiction type thing. It's based on a thread at www.acciofirebolt.com forums. It's probably the most horrible story that you'll ever read, but I thought I would share it anyway. It's really just poking fun at a few things.
Malfoy and the Giant Squid
Harry groaned and rubbed his wrist. He had landed on it after being knocked off his feet by a spell that Draco Malfoy had cast. Hermione and Ron had reached him and were helping him up.
"Harry, are you alright?" Hermione asked as she handed him back his wand.
"I'll be fine," he replied, straightening his robes and readjusting his glasses. "He should really stop calling you that awful name."
Hermione rolled her eyes then looked over where Malfoy was laying on the floor. His eyes were shut, his hair disheveled, his wand was on the floor next to him, and not a muscle in his body moved. "Well, you didn't miss him, but Harry, I can handle him myself. I'm not completely helpless."
"Harry, you should have seen Malfoy hit that wall! It was head first!" Ron exclaimed gleefully. They were all watching Crabbe and Goyle carrying Malfoy off to what they assumed would be the Hospital Wing. "It's almost a shame though. You know they'll tell what happened, and the points will be taken away." Ron's face turned almost scarlet. "He deserved it for calling Hermione such a horrible name."
"It's no use fuming over it now, Ron," Hermione stated. "Let's just go eat lunch." With that the three headed off, Harry still rubbing his wrist, Ron still appalled, and Hermione shaking her head.
Harry prodded his food with his fork. He was wondering if he would be given detention. Hermione and Ron were bickering about something, and Neville was listening to them. A voice infiltrated Harry's mind, startling him and causing him to drop his fork.
"You could be in The Quibbler again," stated a dreamy sounding voice. Harry turned to see Luna Lovegood standing behind him. "I have decided to write an article for my father. You could be in it again."
Harry just stared at her for a few moments before shaking his head. "You know, I don't have anything worth saying at the moment. How about writing about Crumple-Horned Snorkacks?"
Luna shrugged, "I'll find something." With that said, she left to join the table of Ravenclaws. For a moment Harry felt as if he had let her down, but he really had nothing new to add to any article. Picking up his backpack, he left Neville and the bickering Ron and Hermione, making his way out of the Great Hall.
He had just turned to walk down the corridor to his next class when he ran into Malfoy and his two goons. To Harry's disappointment, Malfoy appeared to be in good health.
"You!" shouted Malfoy. "This is entirely your fault!" Draco walked right up to Harry, hatred showing on his narrow face. "Next time I'll do far worse to Potter, Granger—you filthy mudblood." With a smirk, he hurried past Harry. Harry looked to Crabbe and Goyle who shrugged and followed after Malfoy. Harry could not help but smile.
A few days later, Harry and Ron were sitting in the Gryffindor common room discussing Quidditch. Harry had already told Ron and Hermione about his encounter with Malfoy. Ron had curled up on the floor in a fit of laughter, and Hermione just shook her head and smiled.
After a few more moments of Quidditch talk, the two were interrupted by Ginny. "You will never guess what I overheard Pansy Parkinson saying!"
Ron groaned, "Why should we care what she was barking about?"
Ginny
rolled her eyes at Ron then turned to Harry.
"Anyway, she was whining about Malfoy.
Apparently he's found himself an actual girlfriend."
A disgusted look crawled over
Ron's face. "What kind of girl would
become the girlfriend of that idiot?
Moaning Myrtle?"
Harry and Ginny laughed. "I don't think even Moaning Myrtle would be that desperate," Harry commented with a grin.
Harry was still chuckling inside as he walked toward the Great Hall, nearly colliding into a boy carrying a bouquet of flowers.
"Watch where you're going you idiot," came a drawled voice. Malfoy wiped at his robes with his free hand. "Now I have Gryffindor filth on me." Without waiting for a reply, Malfoy turned and walked down the corridor. Harry glared as the figure disappeared around a corner before he continued into the Great Hall.
He sat down next to Hermione who was sipping some pumpkin juice.
"Where are Ron and Ginny?" she asked, setting her pumpkin juice down and looking at Harry.
"They'll be down soon."
"Good because I want to talk to Ginny about S.P.E.W."
"Oh, speaking of Ginny, I might as well tell you what she just told Ron and me." Harry went into detail about Malfoy having a new girlfriend and about literally bumping into him and about the bouquet of flowers. Hermione couldn't even suppress her laughter. "Hermione, is it really that funny?"
"Actually, it is rather funny." She grinned at Harry's confused expression. "Never mind Harry, but you're right, Moaning Myrtle wouldn't be that desperate."
The next day was Saturday, and Harry found it comforting to be able to finally relax. He still had a couple essays to write, but he knew he could have them ready on Sunday. He joined Ron and Hermione under the beech tree near the edge of the lake. Hermione was reading a book of abnormal size, and Harry and Ron were discussing Quidditch yet again.
"I think we should think of a few new tactics to beat Slytherin. We could…" Ron's voice trailed off as he looked at the lake curiously. "What's that?"
Harry and Hermione turned their gazes onto the lake. Harry recognized what was floating in the water immediately. "Those are the flowers Malfoy was carrying."
"Malfoy was carrying flowers?" Ron had a look of disgust on his face like the time he had accidentally hexed himself and started belching up slugs. "That is the most awful thing I've ever heard!"
"Well, she obviously didn't like them did she?" Hermione asked, not really looking for an answer. "She just threw them in the water."
"So much for Malfoy charm," Ron snorted.
Sunday was as warm and sunny as Saturday had been. Harry and Ron spent the whole day writing essays. When evening came, Hermione suggested that they grab some food to eat as they took a stroll around the grounds. They brought the invisibility cloak with them in case they stayed out later.
After walking around for a while and discussing a few assignments, they stopped completely in their tracks. A large, dark shadowy blob could be seen in the lake, and near the lake's edge, they saw a smaller shadowy figure. Instinctively, they threw the cloak over themselves, with Ron slightly crouching, and quietly made their way toward the two figures.
They all stared, open mouthed at the scene that was being revealed to them. Malfoy was in his dress robes, holding a bouquet of flowers out to…the giant squid.
"I know you don't know me all too well, and I'm sure you've heard about my father, but I promise that I'm not like that at all. Please go on a date with me." Malfoy begged.
The giant squid didn't move. Malfoy sighed, kneeled on one knee, holding the flowers up, and started to sing. Once he had finished his serenade, he spoke again, "Will you please go on a date with me?"
The squid just stared at Malfoy for a few moments before slowly descending back into the lake. Malfoy released a sorrowful sigh, dropping the flowers to the ground. He stood up with a look of sadness and disappointment covering his face. For several minutes, he stared at the spot where the squid had sunk back into the water then he skulked back into Hogwarts.
Harry, Ron and Hermione removed the cloak and glanced at each other without saying a word. As Harry looked at the other two, he could have sworn he saw a shadow sprint away into the darkness not too far from where they were standing.
"M-M-Malfoy's new girlfriend is the giant squid?" Ron asked before bursting into a fit of laughter.
"Ron, I mean really, the squid isn't his girlfriend. The squid refused to go on a date with him!" exclaimed Hermione. This statement caused Harry to laugh and Ron to practically choke.
The next day they found it difficult not to crack smiles as they thought about Malfoy's visit with the giant squid. They had managed to make it through most of the day without seeing him. When it was time for lunch, they made their way to the Great Hall, eventually seeing Malfoy.
Ron couldn't resist, "Malfoy! I hear your girlfriend just doesn't care about you!"
Malfoy turned toward Ron, wand in hand. "You'll pay for that Longbottom!" He muttered a couple of words just as Ron had taken out his wand and was muttering. Both boys were sent flying backwards. Ron's back hit the wall behind him, and Malfoy slammed head first into a wall.
Harry and Hermione helped Ron to his feet as Malfoy groaned and pulled himself off the floor, rubbing his head. He appeared slightly confused then glared at Ron.
"Really Weasley, is that the best you can do?"
"What did you call him?" Hermione asked with an arched eyebrow.
"You don't even know that he's a Weasley do you Granger?" A genuine Malfoy smirk crept over his face as Crabbe and Goyle laughed. "I always knew mudbloods were slow." He picked his wand up off the floor and disappeared around a corner, Crabbe and Goyle following close behind.
"That second bump to the head must have fixed that jumbled brain of his." Hermione stated, handing Ron his wand back.
"Malfoy has returned, but do you think he remembers last night?" Harry asked with a grin on his face.
Hermione shook her head. "He called Ron 'Longbottom' before he hit his head then called him 'Weasley' after it. I don't think he has a clue." Ron muttered something in response as they changed their course to the Gryffindor common room.
Breakfast time on Tuesday was going as normal as usual. Ron and Hermione were bickering and Neville was listening. Harry was about to take another bite of his food when the owls came soaring through the Great Hall with the mail. There was a loud commotion at the Slytherin table, and everyone turned to see what was happening. At least a dozen owls were lining up on the table around Malfoy. Some of the owls had letters, others had parcels, and some even had bouquets of flowers.
Harry stared at the scene in confusion when something landed on the table in front of him. He looked down and saw a copy of The Quibbler then he turned to look over his shoulder. Luna was standing behind him, her protuberant eyes focused on Malfoy as she spoke. "I wrote that article. I thought you would like to read it. That poor boy…" She turned and walked to the Ravenclaw table.
Harry looked down at the page of The Quibbler that Luna had opened it to, and read the headline.
A Boy and His Squid
A Love That Transcends Species
Beneath it was a moving image of Malfoy serenading the giant squid. The article detailed Malfoy's pronounced love as well as his pitiful rejection. Harry smiled to himself as he looked back over to Malfoy. Malfoy pulled a rolled up page from the leg of an owl and unfolded it. Harry recognized it as a page from The Quibbler. He burst into a fit of laughter as Malfoy screamed and ran from the Great Hall with at least a dozen owls trailing behind him.