Little Red Keiichilocks and the Three Poorly Disguised Bears
Part 1
By Count Vaniy (vbani@yahoo.com)
Disclaimer: Me no own, no make money, you no sue okay?
Once upon a time in a land far, fhaaaaar away, there lived a beautiful, gorgeous hunk of a man named Keiichilocks, for his long, glorious, perfectly curled, bleach black hair. The like of which has never been seen and will never be seen again. Ooooh… (drool drool) Oh! Ahehe… ^- ^;; and going back… Keiichilocks was skipping happily in the forest on the way to his grandma's house one fine morning to bring her a basket of goodies. He wore a red hood that matched his hot, sexy, silk underwear from "Victoria's Secret", when he met a strange, er, "wolf". Actually, it was the cross dresser from the other town. "He" was wearing a slinky, low-cut, fur ensemble complete with matching cape and purse- made from real wolves' hide. It said so on the label- 'made from real big bad wolves'. The "wolf" took one glance at Keiichilocks' stunningly stylish, haute couture, hand- crafted, velvet Armani (that matched his undies () hood and simultaneously drooled and turned green with envy. Anyway, the "wolf" declared in his booming baritone:
"Wolf": That outfit is to die for. I simply must have it!
Keiichilocks sweatdrops.
"Wolf": It is obvious, my dear, that red does not go with curly, bleach black hair! Probably blue or black, but RED?! Tres terible! I simply cannot allow such a fashion victim such as you to… to… TURN AROUND!!! My eyes aren't use to such monstrosity! The horror…
Keiichilocks bends down, puts on his running shoes and promptly exits stage left. It's never a good sign when fashion critic, cross-dressing "wolves" have the hots for your outfit. The "wolf" jauntily flings back his cape and traipsed after him.
After a few hours of frantic running and looking back, turning right then left then right again, Keiichilocks ran right-in-to-a-tree. The stars are out this fine morning. Such wonderful twinkling stars danced around Keiichilocks' head and all went black.
When he came to, he realized that he was lost but 'lo and behold, in a clearing not far away stands a simple yet elegant mansion.
Keiichilocks: Holy crap! I'm lost! Hey, maybe someone in that small, yet tastefully decorated mansion can help me.
And so saying, he pranced merrily to the 'mansion yonder'. Keiichilocks stealthily approached the mansion…
Keiichilocks: IS ANYBODY HOOOOME?
…and let himself in since the door opened by itself (insert horror movie theme song here). The mansion though large, is well kept and even better booby-trapped. Nary a poison arrow was out of place and the wall and floor spikes were scrubbed clean twice daily. Or so it seemed when the aforementioned were flying towards him. Keiichilocks had managed to dodge the arrows and other pointy things but he didn't notice the squadron of robotic birds carrying huge water bombs that they dropped on his head. To his relief, he only got soaked and not skewered on some extremely fine- pointed projectiles. Then he felt sort of funny. You know, like, warm and fuzzy all over. That's because he WAS warm and fuzzy!
Keiichilocks: Aaaahh…I turned into Barney!!!
Or to be more precise, Keiichilocks turned into Barneylocks. A huge purple dinosaur with green spots and superbly curled, bleach black hair. It was wearing a matching red hood and slinky, sexy, red-hot lingerie- both of them collector's items. If that wasn't enough, the walls of the hallway he ran to started closing in. And to top it all off, suspiciously happy, twinkling, cutie-cutie kiddy music could be heard. Upon hearing the background music, Barneylocks couldn't help himself and so he sang:
Barneylocks: I love you, You love me, We're a happy family…
The song is terribly lame and extremely cheesy, Barneylock's voice is to die for, literally and children's whiny voices were starting to be heard from the background as well. And it was all too much for the poor, innocent wall with the 12" titanium spikes. It couldn't hold on much longer to such… bad taste. It wailed one last time:
Wall: Nooo…! I can't work under these conditions…!
…And promptly crumbled to dust. Barneylocks continued to sing and prance around the mansion, merrily swinging his basket of goodies and wherever Barneylocks went, the background music was sure to follow. All that dancing made him tired and as luck would have it, there were three chairs in the sitting room he found himself in. Barneylocks took one look at those slim, ergonomic chairs, then at his hideously wide posterior and went on to the next room. He eventually found his way into the dining room where "Porridge ala King" was to be found.
Barneylocks: My, what pleasant little porridges. Ahyuk ahyuk ahyuk!
The porridges sweatdrop.
Barneylocks made himself comfortable and tried the first porridge contained in a red bowl with the name Skuld engraved on the side. As he was about to taste the "Porridge ala King", a robotic arm appeared from the side of the bowl and force-fed him continuously, occasionally missing his huge mouth and shoving its contents up his nose. It kept this up until the bowl was half empty/ half full.
Barneylocks: Ahyuk ahyuk! I almost drowned there. Ahyuk!
He then approached the second purple bowl of colorful porridge engraved with the name "Urd". He was relieved to see that it had its own normal spoon. It would have been the perfect bowl o' porridge too if only it hadn't been bubbling and sizzling and giving off strange odors- very psychedelic.
Barneylocks: Groovy… Ahyuk!
He made himself comfortable and gingerly held the spoon in his, um, paws and ate from the second bowl with glee, before it started to eat him, of course. Running away seemed like a good idea if only phallic tentacles had not 'schlucked' him into the bowl. *Glug glug glug* Barneylocks couldn't swim so he drowned.
-THE END-
Kidding kidding ^_^;;
Our intrepid hero then swan-dived with a triple somersault out of the bowl and landed on his gloriously large, well-padded, green-spotted, soft, purple tushies. After rolling on the floor a few dozen times to remove any excess porridge on his person, giggling:
Barneylocks: Ahyuk ahyuk ahyuk!!!
Barneylocks felt warm and fuzzy all over again. Only this time, he felt really sexy and feminine for some undefined reason. Luckily, a walking mirror happened to walk by. Glancing at the mirror, Barneylocks realized that he was now Super Bishoujo-locks.
Super Bishoujo-locks: (in a 'dumb blonde' tone) Like, I'm so totally gorgeous. [mindlessly twirls hair with fingers]
Super Bishoujo-locks gazed some more at her to-die-for looks that superbly matched her to-die-for-then-come-back-to-die-for-again outfit and could have stuttered and fainted at its sheer perfection. When, suddenly, out of nowhere appeared a horde of salivating horny Pokemons. They thronged around Super Bishoujo-Locks shouting:
Throng o' Pokemons: Pikapikapika… Bul-baaa-suar… Squirtlesquirtle… Psyduuuuck… (you get the point ^-^)
Sensing the sudden hormonal rush of the wee Pokemons, Super Bishoujo- Locks twirled her hair mindlessly some more before finally remembering to bring out her handy dandy celphone and dialed a toll-free number.
Pied Piper Delivery Service: Thank you for calling the Pied Piper Delivery Service. We'll deliver you from anything, anytime, anywhere.
Super Bishoujo-Locks made her woes known.
Super Bishoujo-Locks: Woe is me.
Then hung up. After a few minutes, captivating, enticing, titillating music could be heard and in walked the Pied Piper to rescue Les Damsel in Distress.
Super Bishoujo-Locks: Mah herohh… [bats her eyes]
But waitaminit, the Pied Piper was a Pied Piperess and even more Super Bishoujo than Super Bishoujo-Locks. The horny throng took one glance at the newcomer and quickly ignored Super Bishoujo-Locks' formerly scintillating presence. They followed her captivating song and her enticing figure and felt titillated (my my my, is this turning into a hentai? –C.V.) ANYWAY, Super Bishoujo-Locks felt miffed. How could her salivating horde have been so disloyal? They should have been bodily and forcibly dragged away. Instead, they went along peacefully and even willingly. Besides, how could there be anyone even more Super Bishoujo than she? It can't be! With a blood-curling, hair-raising, eye-popping, ear-shattering, adrenaline- pumping whisper, I mean, scream, Super Bishoujo-Locks ran after the pheromone-laced throng to extract her opponents' beauty secrets. Oh yeah, and revenge too.
What will happen to Even More Super Bishoujo Pied Piperess? Will Super Bishoujo-Locks get her revenge as well as the Ultimate Beauty Secret? Will the Pokemons of horniness defend the Pied Piperess or will they fall for Super Bishoujo-Locks yet again? And more importantly, where are the three poorly disguised bears? All this and more when I locate my brain. 'Til next time on "Little Red Keiichilocks and the Three Poorly Disguised Bears".
-to be continued-
Author's Note: Everything written here is a figment of my overactive imagination and possibly constant sleep deprivation and should not be taken seriously- at all. It's a silly fic and is therefore, well, silly :p
Part 1
By Count Vaniy (vbani@yahoo.com)
Disclaimer: Me no own, no make money, you no sue okay?
Once upon a time in a land far, fhaaaaar away, there lived a beautiful, gorgeous hunk of a man named Keiichilocks, for his long, glorious, perfectly curled, bleach black hair. The like of which has never been seen and will never be seen again. Ooooh… (drool drool) Oh! Ahehe… ^- ^;; and going back… Keiichilocks was skipping happily in the forest on the way to his grandma's house one fine morning to bring her a basket of goodies. He wore a red hood that matched his hot, sexy, silk underwear from "Victoria's Secret", when he met a strange, er, "wolf". Actually, it was the cross dresser from the other town. "He" was wearing a slinky, low-cut, fur ensemble complete with matching cape and purse- made from real wolves' hide. It said so on the label- 'made from real big bad wolves'. The "wolf" took one glance at Keiichilocks' stunningly stylish, haute couture, hand- crafted, velvet Armani (that matched his undies () hood and simultaneously drooled and turned green with envy. Anyway, the "wolf" declared in his booming baritone:
"Wolf": That outfit is to die for. I simply must have it!
Keiichilocks sweatdrops.
"Wolf": It is obvious, my dear, that red does not go with curly, bleach black hair! Probably blue or black, but RED?! Tres terible! I simply cannot allow such a fashion victim such as you to… to… TURN AROUND!!! My eyes aren't use to such monstrosity! The horror…
Keiichilocks bends down, puts on his running shoes and promptly exits stage left. It's never a good sign when fashion critic, cross-dressing "wolves" have the hots for your outfit. The "wolf" jauntily flings back his cape and traipsed after him.
After a few hours of frantic running and looking back, turning right then left then right again, Keiichilocks ran right-in-to-a-tree. The stars are out this fine morning. Such wonderful twinkling stars danced around Keiichilocks' head and all went black.
When he came to, he realized that he was lost but 'lo and behold, in a clearing not far away stands a simple yet elegant mansion.
Keiichilocks: Holy crap! I'm lost! Hey, maybe someone in that small, yet tastefully decorated mansion can help me.
And so saying, he pranced merrily to the 'mansion yonder'. Keiichilocks stealthily approached the mansion…
Keiichilocks: IS ANYBODY HOOOOME?
…and let himself in since the door opened by itself (insert horror movie theme song here). The mansion though large, is well kept and even better booby-trapped. Nary a poison arrow was out of place and the wall and floor spikes were scrubbed clean twice daily. Or so it seemed when the aforementioned were flying towards him. Keiichilocks had managed to dodge the arrows and other pointy things but he didn't notice the squadron of robotic birds carrying huge water bombs that they dropped on his head. To his relief, he only got soaked and not skewered on some extremely fine- pointed projectiles. Then he felt sort of funny. You know, like, warm and fuzzy all over. That's because he WAS warm and fuzzy!
Keiichilocks: Aaaahh…I turned into Barney!!!
Or to be more precise, Keiichilocks turned into Barneylocks. A huge purple dinosaur with green spots and superbly curled, bleach black hair. It was wearing a matching red hood and slinky, sexy, red-hot lingerie- both of them collector's items. If that wasn't enough, the walls of the hallway he ran to started closing in. And to top it all off, suspiciously happy, twinkling, cutie-cutie kiddy music could be heard. Upon hearing the background music, Barneylocks couldn't help himself and so he sang:
Barneylocks: I love you, You love me, We're a happy family…
The song is terribly lame and extremely cheesy, Barneylock's voice is to die for, literally and children's whiny voices were starting to be heard from the background as well. And it was all too much for the poor, innocent wall with the 12" titanium spikes. It couldn't hold on much longer to such… bad taste. It wailed one last time:
Wall: Nooo…! I can't work under these conditions…!
…And promptly crumbled to dust. Barneylocks continued to sing and prance around the mansion, merrily swinging his basket of goodies and wherever Barneylocks went, the background music was sure to follow. All that dancing made him tired and as luck would have it, there were three chairs in the sitting room he found himself in. Barneylocks took one look at those slim, ergonomic chairs, then at his hideously wide posterior and went on to the next room. He eventually found his way into the dining room where "Porridge ala King" was to be found.
Barneylocks: My, what pleasant little porridges. Ahyuk ahyuk ahyuk!
The porridges sweatdrop.
Barneylocks made himself comfortable and tried the first porridge contained in a red bowl with the name Skuld engraved on the side. As he was about to taste the "Porridge ala King", a robotic arm appeared from the side of the bowl and force-fed him continuously, occasionally missing his huge mouth and shoving its contents up his nose. It kept this up until the bowl was half empty/ half full.
Barneylocks: Ahyuk ahyuk! I almost drowned there. Ahyuk!
He then approached the second purple bowl of colorful porridge engraved with the name "Urd". He was relieved to see that it had its own normal spoon. It would have been the perfect bowl o' porridge too if only it hadn't been bubbling and sizzling and giving off strange odors- very psychedelic.
Barneylocks: Groovy… Ahyuk!
He made himself comfortable and gingerly held the spoon in his, um, paws and ate from the second bowl with glee, before it started to eat him, of course. Running away seemed like a good idea if only phallic tentacles had not 'schlucked' him into the bowl. *Glug glug glug* Barneylocks couldn't swim so he drowned.
-THE END-
Kidding kidding ^_^;;
Our intrepid hero then swan-dived with a triple somersault out of the bowl and landed on his gloriously large, well-padded, green-spotted, soft, purple tushies. After rolling on the floor a few dozen times to remove any excess porridge on his person, giggling:
Barneylocks: Ahyuk ahyuk ahyuk!!!
Barneylocks felt warm and fuzzy all over again. Only this time, he felt really sexy and feminine for some undefined reason. Luckily, a walking mirror happened to walk by. Glancing at the mirror, Barneylocks realized that he was now Super Bishoujo-locks.
Super Bishoujo-locks: (in a 'dumb blonde' tone) Like, I'm so totally gorgeous. [mindlessly twirls hair with fingers]
Super Bishoujo-locks gazed some more at her to-die-for looks that superbly matched her to-die-for-then-come-back-to-die-for-again outfit and could have stuttered and fainted at its sheer perfection. When, suddenly, out of nowhere appeared a horde of salivating horny Pokemons. They thronged around Super Bishoujo-Locks shouting:
Throng o' Pokemons: Pikapikapika… Bul-baaa-suar… Squirtlesquirtle… Psyduuuuck… (you get the point ^-^)
Sensing the sudden hormonal rush of the wee Pokemons, Super Bishoujo- Locks twirled her hair mindlessly some more before finally remembering to bring out her handy dandy celphone and dialed a toll-free number.
Pied Piper Delivery Service: Thank you for calling the Pied Piper Delivery Service. We'll deliver you from anything, anytime, anywhere.
Super Bishoujo-Locks made her woes known.
Super Bishoujo-Locks: Woe is me.
Then hung up. After a few minutes, captivating, enticing, titillating music could be heard and in walked the Pied Piper to rescue Les Damsel in Distress.
Super Bishoujo-Locks: Mah herohh… [bats her eyes]
But waitaminit, the Pied Piper was a Pied Piperess and even more Super Bishoujo than Super Bishoujo-Locks. The horny throng took one glance at the newcomer and quickly ignored Super Bishoujo-Locks' formerly scintillating presence. They followed her captivating song and her enticing figure and felt titillated (my my my, is this turning into a hentai? –C.V.) ANYWAY, Super Bishoujo-Locks felt miffed. How could her salivating horde have been so disloyal? They should have been bodily and forcibly dragged away. Instead, they went along peacefully and even willingly. Besides, how could there be anyone even more Super Bishoujo than she? It can't be! With a blood-curling, hair-raising, eye-popping, ear-shattering, adrenaline- pumping whisper, I mean, scream, Super Bishoujo-Locks ran after the pheromone-laced throng to extract her opponents' beauty secrets. Oh yeah, and revenge too.
What will happen to Even More Super Bishoujo Pied Piperess? Will Super Bishoujo-Locks get her revenge as well as the Ultimate Beauty Secret? Will the Pokemons of horniness defend the Pied Piperess or will they fall for Super Bishoujo-Locks yet again? And more importantly, where are the three poorly disguised bears? All this and more when I locate my brain. 'Til next time on "Little Red Keiichilocks and the Three Poorly Disguised Bears".
-to be continued-
Author's Note: Everything written here is a figment of my overactive imagination and possibly constant sleep deprivation and should not be taken seriously- at all. It's a silly fic and is therefore, well, silly :p