Little Red Keiichilocks and the Three Poorly Disguised Bears
Part 3
By Count Vaniy (vbani@yahoo.com)
Disclaimer: Me no own, no make money, you no sue okay?
Getting over their momentary surprise, the three poorly disguised bears slowly approached 'grandma' who hid underneath the exquisite, red, velvet hood and the comfy pink, girly sheets. 'Her' eyes peered ever so innocently across the room at the approaching name-tagged bears.
Skuld-Bear: My, what big eyes you have grandma.
'Wolf' in disguise: [falsetto] All the better to put mascara on my dear.
Urd-Bear: My, what big ears you have.
"Wolf" in disguise: [falsetto] All the better to hang dangling earrings on my dear.
Belldandy-Bear: And what big teeth you have.
"Wolf" in disguise: [real voice] What?! I'll sue that orthodontist!
The bears sweatdrop.
"Wolf" in disguise: [falsetto] Uh, I mean, all the better to gobble you up my dear. You all just look simply ravishing in those name-tagged costumes I simply forgot myself. Ohohohohoho.
The "Wolf" hastily rambled on to cover his ill-timed vanity lash. Sweat was poring profusely, making his somewhat believable-from-thirty- paces granny makeup not so believable.
Skuld-Bear: You okay, Grandma? You don't look so good.
"Wolf" in disguise: Of course not, my dears. Grandma always looks good. *smile*
The three poorly disguised bears then stepped closer and peered dangerously close at the 'wolf's' peeling disguise. Their penetrating gazes might very well penetrate his shabbily made costume. Oh the humiliation and indignity! Whatever shall 'he' do? What if one of his so-called friends sees him in that drab, ill fitting, color-uncoordinated granny suit. Luckily, Keiichilocks woke up at that moment and unrolled himself from the closet (yes, its possible to unroll yourself from a closet. Try it out some time, it'll change your life *snicker* - C.V.) He landed in a spray of flowers. Daisies were falling from the sky, as the room dims to allow a spotlight to shine down on his lingerie-wearing self.
Keiichilocks: Huh? Where am I?
Belldandy-Bear took one look at his gorgeous, sexy, bleach black curls and his ultra tight-fitting, figure-hugging, red-hot lingerie set and SLAPPED him!
Belldandy-Bear: Aaaahh. pervert!
Skuld-Bear: How dare you make my onesan cry!
Skuld-Bear whips out yet another high-tech looking remote with a single red button on its surface from her 'Pocket of Plenty'. She pushed the single red button on its matte black surface and. nothing happens. inside the room that is.
Outside, in the midst of Urd-Bear's special poison ivy, two woodcutters were trying very hard to cut wood in order to fulfill their goal in life. They were sadly hampered by a nearby pond's tranquil surface, reflecting their sweaty, gleaming, grimy muscles making them pose, preen and grin idiotically instead. The fine print on their tight-fitting shirts proclaimed them to be the sempai woodcutters. They went on in narcissistic glee when suddenly they were catapulted towards the Poorly Disguised Bears' mansion, bringing a patch of the special poison ivy with them.
Meanwhile, inside the Bears' mansion.
Keiichilocks: Huh? Who are you and what have you done to my grandma?
Shouted Keiichilocks in, what he hoped was, a manly man manner. It wasn't. Not while his hair was a stupendous bleach black color and his sexy, red-hot lingerie tight-fitting.
Skuld-Bear: Hey, hey, Mr. Ecchi. This is our grandma, not yours. *bleah*
Keiichilocks: What!? Of course not. I'm here to visit her and give her a basket of goodies.
Belldandy-Bear: What basket of goodies?
Keiichilocks: This, of course. (raises arm, holding an imaginary, non- existent basket o' goodies)
Urd-Bear: Well, it just so happens that this is our house and not hers so she can't be your grandma, baka!
So saying, she jerked her thumb over to point at 'grandma'. An eerie silence pervades the room, a pin could be heard dropping on the floor, owls hoot in the distance as everyone realizes what Urd-Bear unwittingly pointed out. Who the hell was 'grandma'? Necks 360d as everyone's attention was suddenly riveted towards the empty bed. The 'wolf' was stealthily crawling towards the door, wearing nothing but oversized rollers, Keiichilocks' red hood and his gorgeous, stunning ensemble of realistic-looking genuine wolf fur.
Skuld-Bear: You're not grandma!
Urd-Bear: I'm gonna fry you, you silly twit of a man. (readies a lightning spell)
Keiichilocks: What have you done with my basket of goodies!
Belldandy-Bear: Oh dear.
The 'wolf' opened his mouth, ready to spew forth a deluge of deceit, a mouthful of mumbo-jumbo, a litany of lies- none of them convincing. Fortunately, two woodcutters flying in from the window saved him from future torture.
Sempai Woodcutters: Aieeeee..!
The woodcutters landed in an unsightly squirt of body oil. Their swollen faces and other parts, a visual testament to the effectiveness of Urd- Bear's special poison ivy. They were an unsightly mass of pink and purple blobs that vaguely resembled no one in particular. Their I.Q. dropped 50 points too but no one noticed.
Keiichilocks: Holy Crap! Get away from me!
He screamed ineffectively while flouncing his gorgeous curls. The dynamic woodcutting duo got up and slimed their way towards him.
Sempai Woodcutters: Brains. brains.
Urd-Bear: Chain Lightning!!!
A powerful bolt of electricity hit the two zombie-like woodcutters and bounced across the room, zapping anyone unfortunate enough to get in its way. Which, unfortunately, was everyone in the room. Signs of the apocalypse were apparent as soon as the smoke cleared. Incredibly, Keiichilocks' stunning curls were as stunning as ever. Too bad we can't say the same for the rest of him.
Grandma: [falsetto] Oh my goodness, what happened here?
Necks 360d once again, to a vision of Kami-sama in a flowing white, polka- dotted, frilly dress and huge rollers.
Belldandy-Bear: Oh, hello Kami-sama so nice to see you again. Would you like some tea?
Kami-sama: [falsetto] Please, call me grandma and I would love some tea.
The rest of the cast sat in stunned silence while the two chatted amicably about the weather. The sight of KAMI-SAMA in frilly clothing is just too creepy. Not to mention disturbing and, well, disturbing. Loud thuds were heard as several heads fell off and rolled randomly across the floor. Just then, the two woodcutters recovered from the frying Urd-Bear gave them and started walking with both arms raised, parallel to the floor, acting like the zombies Urd-Bear's special poison ivy patch changed them into.
Sempai Woodcutters: Brains. brains.
They chanted in unison while advancing menacingly in sloooow motion towards the ever-gorgeous but hapless Keiichilocks. The three poorly disguised bears searched their pockets for weapons of mass destruction. And 'lo and behold, they pulled several diabolical, menacing- looking and deadly water pistols. Alas, the PG-13 rating of this crummy piece of fiction prohibits violence beyond a mere slap in the face (in theory, that is -C.V.). Not about to give up, they rummaged their pockets yet again and came out with realistic-looking revolvers, which they hoped were the real thing. It wasn't. As they took careful aim at the lumpy heads of the slimy zombies and gleefully pulled the trigger, their guns emitted a high-pitched squawk and ran away like the chickens-in-disguise they were. The poorly- disguised trio was left with no choice. They had to use their secret and most dangerous weapon. Their combined auras raised several notches. Raising their hands to their chests, they took a deep breath and. sang. Still, the zombie-like woodcutters continued to slime their way towards the fabulous curls of Keiichilocks in the utmost slowest of motions but strangely in beat to the soothing music. Unhampered, the three poorly disguised bears sang on like a choir possessed.
Keiichilocks: Grandma? A little help please?
Kami-sama: [falsetto] Ohohohoho! You're on your own 'grandson' of mine. I'm of with the cookies. Ta-taah! Don't die (.
And with those parting words, Kami-sama was off!
-the end-
Author's Notes: Wahahahaha! It's done, it's done! I've been working on this fic on and off for about 2 ½ years. More off than on obviously but it's finally finished (
Part 3
By Count Vaniy (vbani@yahoo.com)
Disclaimer: Me no own, no make money, you no sue okay?
Getting over their momentary surprise, the three poorly disguised bears slowly approached 'grandma' who hid underneath the exquisite, red, velvet hood and the comfy pink, girly sheets. 'Her' eyes peered ever so innocently across the room at the approaching name-tagged bears.
Skuld-Bear: My, what big eyes you have grandma.
'Wolf' in disguise: [falsetto] All the better to put mascara on my dear.
Urd-Bear: My, what big ears you have.
"Wolf" in disguise: [falsetto] All the better to hang dangling earrings on my dear.
Belldandy-Bear: And what big teeth you have.
"Wolf" in disguise: [real voice] What?! I'll sue that orthodontist!
The bears sweatdrop.
"Wolf" in disguise: [falsetto] Uh, I mean, all the better to gobble you up my dear. You all just look simply ravishing in those name-tagged costumes I simply forgot myself. Ohohohohoho.
The "Wolf" hastily rambled on to cover his ill-timed vanity lash. Sweat was poring profusely, making his somewhat believable-from-thirty- paces granny makeup not so believable.
Skuld-Bear: You okay, Grandma? You don't look so good.
"Wolf" in disguise: Of course not, my dears. Grandma always looks good. *smile*
The three poorly disguised bears then stepped closer and peered dangerously close at the 'wolf's' peeling disguise. Their penetrating gazes might very well penetrate his shabbily made costume. Oh the humiliation and indignity! Whatever shall 'he' do? What if one of his so-called friends sees him in that drab, ill fitting, color-uncoordinated granny suit. Luckily, Keiichilocks woke up at that moment and unrolled himself from the closet (yes, its possible to unroll yourself from a closet. Try it out some time, it'll change your life *snicker* - C.V.) He landed in a spray of flowers. Daisies were falling from the sky, as the room dims to allow a spotlight to shine down on his lingerie-wearing self.
Keiichilocks: Huh? Where am I?
Belldandy-Bear took one look at his gorgeous, sexy, bleach black curls and his ultra tight-fitting, figure-hugging, red-hot lingerie set and SLAPPED him!
Belldandy-Bear: Aaaahh. pervert!
Skuld-Bear: How dare you make my onesan cry!
Skuld-Bear whips out yet another high-tech looking remote with a single red button on its surface from her 'Pocket of Plenty'. She pushed the single red button on its matte black surface and. nothing happens. inside the room that is.
Outside, in the midst of Urd-Bear's special poison ivy, two woodcutters were trying very hard to cut wood in order to fulfill their goal in life. They were sadly hampered by a nearby pond's tranquil surface, reflecting their sweaty, gleaming, grimy muscles making them pose, preen and grin idiotically instead. The fine print on their tight-fitting shirts proclaimed them to be the sempai woodcutters. They went on in narcissistic glee when suddenly they were catapulted towards the Poorly Disguised Bears' mansion, bringing a patch of the special poison ivy with them.
Meanwhile, inside the Bears' mansion.
Keiichilocks: Huh? Who are you and what have you done to my grandma?
Shouted Keiichilocks in, what he hoped was, a manly man manner. It wasn't. Not while his hair was a stupendous bleach black color and his sexy, red-hot lingerie tight-fitting.
Skuld-Bear: Hey, hey, Mr. Ecchi. This is our grandma, not yours. *bleah*
Keiichilocks: What!? Of course not. I'm here to visit her and give her a basket of goodies.
Belldandy-Bear: What basket of goodies?
Keiichilocks: This, of course. (raises arm, holding an imaginary, non- existent basket o' goodies)
Urd-Bear: Well, it just so happens that this is our house and not hers so she can't be your grandma, baka!
So saying, she jerked her thumb over to point at 'grandma'. An eerie silence pervades the room, a pin could be heard dropping on the floor, owls hoot in the distance as everyone realizes what Urd-Bear unwittingly pointed out. Who the hell was 'grandma'? Necks 360d as everyone's attention was suddenly riveted towards the empty bed. The 'wolf' was stealthily crawling towards the door, wearing nothing but oversized rollers, Keiichilocks' red hood and his gorgeous, stunning ensemble of realistic-looking genuine wolf fur.
Skuld-Bear: You're not grandma!
Urd-Bear: I'm gonna fry you, you silly twit of a man. (readies a lightning spell)
Keiichilocks: What have you done with my basket of goodies!
Belldandy-Bear: Oh dear.
The 'wolf' opened his mouth, ready to spew forth a deluge of deceit, a mouthful of mumbo-jumbo, a litany of lies- none of them convincing. Fortunately, two woodcutters flying in from the window saved him from future torture.
Sempai Woodcutters: Aieeeee..!
The woodcutters landed in an unsightly squirt of body oil. Their swollen faces and other parts, a visual testament to the effectiveness of Urd- Bear's special poison ivy. They were an unsightly mass of pink and purple blobs that vaguely resembled no one in particular. Their I.Q. dropped 50 points too but no one noticed.
Keiichilocks: Holy Crap! Get away from me!
He screamed ineffectively while flouncing his gorgeous curls. The dynamic woodcutting duo got up and slimed their way towards him.
Sempai Woodcutters: Brains. brains.
Urd-Bear: Chain Lightning!!!
A powerful bolt of electricity hit the two zombie-like woodcutters and bounced across the room, zapping anyone unfortunate enough to get in its way. Which, unfortunately, was everyone in the room. Signs of the apocalypse were apparent as soon as the smoke cleared. Incredibly, Keiichilocks' stunning curls were as stunning as ever. Too bad we can't say the same for the rest of him.
Grandma: [falsetto] Oh my goodness, what happened here?
Necks 360d once again, to a vision of Kami-sama in a flowing white, polka- dotted, frilly dress and huge rollers.
Belldandy-Bear: Oh, hello Kami-sama so nice to see you again. Would you like some tea?
Kami-sama: [falsetto] Please, call me grandma and I would love some tea.
The rest of the cast sat in stunned silence while the two chatted amicably about the weather. The sight of KAMI-SAMA in frilly clothing is just too creepy. Not to mention disturbing and, well, disturbing. Loud thuds were heard as several heads fell off and rolled randomly across the floor. Just then, the two woodcutters recovered from the frying Urd-Bear gave them and started walking with both arms raised, parallel to the floor, acting like the zombies Urd-Bear's special poison ivy patch changed them into.
Sempai Woodcutters: Brains. brains.
They chanted in unison while advancing menacingly in sloooow motion towards the ever-gorgeous but hapless Keiichilocks. The three poorly disguised bears searched their pockets for weapons of mass destruction. And 'lo and behold, they pulled several diabolical, menacing- looking and deadly water pistols. Alas, the PG-13 rating of this crummy piece of fiction prohibits violence beyond a mere slap in the face (in theory, that is -C.V.). Not about to give up, they rummaged their pockets yet again and came out with realistic-looking revolvers, which they hoped were the real thing. It wasn't. As they took careful aim at the lumpy heads of the slimy zombies and gleefully pulled the trigger, their guns emitted a high-pitched squawk and ran away like the chickens-in-disguise they were. The poorly- disguised trio was left with no choice. They had to use their secret and most dangerous weapon. Their combined auras raised several notches. Raising their hands to their chests, they took a deep breath and. sang. Still, the zombie-like woodcutters continued to slime their way towards the fabulous curls of Keiichilocks in the utmost slowest of motions but strangely in beat to the soothing music. Unhampered, the three poorly disguised bears sang on like a choir possessed.
Keiichilocks: Grandma? A little help please?
Kami-sama: [falsetto] Ohohohoho! You're on your own 'grandson' of mine. I'm of with the cookies. Ta-taah! Don't die (.
And with those parting words, Kami-sama was off!
-the end-
Author's Notes: Wahahahaha! It's done, it's done! I've been working on this fic on and off for about 2 ½ years. More off than on obviously but it's finally finished (