Disclaimer: I DO NOT own LoK or any or its characters
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A/N: This chapter's random winner is none other than OrpheumZero and bahamut
((The scene is an award's show in Nosgoth. Kain and the lieutenants are in the audience, as well as thousands of other vampires. Magnus is up front hosting and giving out awards))
Magnus: WELL, WELCOME TO THE NOSGOTH MOVIE AWARDS!
Kain: I'm gonna win this for sure! No other movie even touched Blood Omen 1!
Turel: Well what about Can't Catch Me?
Kain: SHUTTUP YOU!!
Magnus: THE NOMINEES FOR BEST ACTION SEQUENCE IN A MOVIE ARE: KAIN VERSUS THE ARMY OF BAD GUYS DURING THE WILLIAM THE JUST INVASION!
(shows scene from that time during Kain Presents: Blood Omen 1 when Zephon had to take over for Kain)
Magnus: THE OTHER NOMINEE IS MARCUS IN "CAN'T CATCH ME!"
(shows scene where Marcus is boringly walking away from five people, who are also boringly walking, or "chasing", Marcus. Then Marcus hops on a chair, screams unemotionally and the five people chasing Marcus run away)
Magnus: AND THE WINNER IS...MARCUS FROM "CAN'T CATCH ME!"
Kain: What!? But Marcus is a complete assbag! That scene was as dull as Zephon's head!!
(Marcus walks up and accepts the award)
Marcus: Thank you! Thank you! I'm so glad I won and beat my "competition." Kain's movie was so STUPID and so DULL! Let's all point as Kain and laugh!
(so everyone, even the lieutenants, point at Kain and laugh. Kain is fuming)
Dumah: (pointing at Kain) What a loser!
(then Kain punches Raziel. Then Marcus sits down and Magnus gets ready for the next award)
Magnus: THIS NEXT NOMINEE GOES TO BEST ACTOR. THE NOMINEES ARE: KAIN FROM BLOOD OMEN 1!
(shows scene with Kain yelling "Vae Victus!")
Magnus: RAZIEL FOR WHATEVER THE HELL ROLE HE'S PLAYED, IF HE'S EVEN PLAYED A ROLL! IF NOT, HE'S STILL NOMINATED FOR THE HELL OF IT! THEN THERE'S MARCUS FROM "CAN'T CATCH ME!" AND THE SARAFAN LORD AS "Trixie" IN THE SAME MOVIE!
(shows scene where Marcus sleepily and unemotionally says "can't catch me" and the SL dressed up in tight tights saying in a high pitch "Ooh!")
Magnus: THE WINNER IS...IT'S A TIE BETWEEN MARCUS, THE SARAFAN LORD, AND RAZIEL!
(Marcus, SL, and Raziel all walk up to receive an award)
Raziel: Thank you everyone! Oh, and I would LOVE to quote a quote from the sequel that's in progress. Hey Kain, you SYUUUUUCK!!!! Yep, you really SUUUUUUUUCK!!
SL: Kain has vweird 'air!
Marcus: SL has a weird accent. He said Kain has weird hair!
Raziel: Kain's a bully! He SUUUUUCKS!! Hahahahahahah!
(so everyone went back to laughing at Kain and Kain released his anger on poor Rahab by throwing a stapler at his head)
Magnus: WELL, MAGNUS IS DONE HERE! MAGNUS WILL LET MARCUS ANNOUNCE BEST MOVIE! PEACE OUT!
(so Magnus leaves and goes back to the Pillars, careful to avoid Kain. Then Magnus submits his next chapter)
{Magnus' fanfic begins}
Deesclaamer: Meee doon't ooown LoooK ooor aaany ooof eet's charakterz
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((The sceen is stil insiid of Wal-Mart. Mobeus is stil chasing Raziel and Duma and Mobeus is stil trying to bovine-slap them. Raziel and Duma stil haav pantyhose on their heds))
Raziel: AHHHHH!!
Dumah: Ther must be sumthing we can do!!
Raziel: Sumone's bound to saav us!!
Dumah: Wat we neeed now is a super-hero!
Raziel: We can beecom super-heros!
Dumah: How???
Raziel: Just follow my leed.
(then Mobeus caches up to them. But wen he was about to bovine-slap them, Raziel and Duma stoood beesiid eech other and dun sumthing totaly unexpected)
Raziel and Dumah: Might Morphing Panyhose-Head Time!
Chorus: Go go Pantyhose-Head Rangers! Go go Pantyhose-Head Rangers!
(then Raziel and Duma locked arms and ran around in circles singing the Mighty Morphing Pantyhose-Head Theme Song and wen they stop'd, they look'd exactly liik they did beefor)
Raziel: Ha! Wat do yoo think uf us now?
Dumah: Yeh!
Moebius: Oh yeh?? Wel I wil beecom the most evil villain ever maad! Muahahahahaha!
Raziel: Not even yoo can defeet the Pantyhose-Head Rangers!
Moebius: Im aboot too transform!
(then Mobeus gets a phone call)
Moebius: Helo? Hey Mortanius, honey. Yes, Im aboot too transform. No, I have'nt seeen yoor birth control pils. Yes, Il'l be home in tiim for supper. No, I have'nt beeen cheating on yoo with that donkey that I found so atractive. Yes, once wen I was in bed. No, only wen I haav on my birthday costume. Yes, but that was on acident. Okay, yoo satisfied? Okay, I gota go, see ya at home.
Raziel: ???
Dumah: ???
((the sceen is now the Duck-Mobile that was waiting outsiid. Turel was start'ng to get worried))
Turel: Im start'ng too get worried. I must saav them!!
(then Turel jump'd out the window becaus he forgot he had a dooor)
Turel: EAT MY DUCKIES!!!
(then Turel ran insiid Wal-Mart. But the sceen is stil the Duck-Mobile)
Zephon: Whataretard. (snorts)
Kain: I bet retards liik him haav a nice buttt.
Zephon: (aiming his gun at her) YesIbetyouthinktheydoyouslut. (snorts)
Melchiah: Do'nt shooot her!
Rahab: Id taak a bullet for Magnus! Id sacrafiic my balls for Magnus!
Magnus: That wo'nt be necesary.
Melchiah: Ca'nt we just driiv off without him. We stil neeed to fiind the Great Holy Meat.
Magnus: Good idea.
(so Magnus start driiving offf, but a few seconds laater, a greeen dude jumps on their window)
Magnus: AHHHHH!!!
Rahab: AHHHHH!!! Id sacrafiic my balls for Magnus!
Zephon: You'vesaidthatalready!! (snorts)
Rahab: Haav I?
Melchiah: AHHH!!
Kain: AHHHH!! Hey, that greeen thing loooks sexy.
(they stop and the greeen thing cliims in throo the window)
Magnus: Who ar yoo?
Green Dude: Helo. My naam is Vorador.
Rahab: Do'nt yoo even think aboot hurting Magnus! Id sacrafiic my balls for Magnus!
Zephon: SomebodypunchRahabout! (snorts)
Melchiah: Wel, helo Vorador, why-
Vorador: Do'nt cal me Vorador!
Melchiah: Why not?
Vorador: Thats a really stupid sounding naam. Cal me...Greeny Wang.
Zephon: Riiiiiiiiight...
Vorador: The naam Greeny Wang is much moor respectable.
Kain: Wow, Greeny Wang. I liik that naam.
Melchiah: (glars at Kain then loooks at Vorador) Wel Greeny Wang, wat brings yoo here?
Vorador: Im want'd!
Melchiah: Why's that?
(Vorador flashes al of them. Obviously he's wearing nothing underneath)
Kain: Wow! Again! Again!
Zephon: (aims his gun at Vorador's crotch) Yesflashusagain. (snorts)
Rahab: Id sacrafiic my balls for Magnus!
Zephon: That'sit! (snorts)
(Zefon shooots Rahab in the fooot)
Rahab: Ouchkabibbles!
Melchiah: Do'nt even do that again. My slutty woman liiks that sort of thing.
Vorador: (puls a Bagel out of his poket) This is another reeson Im wanted.
Melchiah: So? It's a bagel.
Vorador: It is the Sarafan Lord's super-duper, one-of-a-kind, glow-in-the- dark, praised-by-a-rabbi Bagel! I stole it from the SL!
Melchiah: So, yoo're wanted for flashing and for the bagel.
Vorador: Yep! (sees Kain) Helo, who is this sexy vixen?
Melchiah: Stay away from her!
Kain: Im Kain. Greeny Wang, I think yoo're sexy.
Vorador: Yoo too.
(so Vorador and Kain cliim into the back seet and maak out)
Melchiah: (irrriated sigh) I really really haat Vorador.
Vorador: (from the back seet) Cal me Greeny Wang!
Kain: GREENY WANG!
Vorador: (to Kain) Not yoo!
Rahab: Why am I in soo much pain!? (loooks to his fooot) When did I get shot?
Zephon: GodwhatdidIdotogetstuckwiththeseretards!?!? (snorts)
(then the Duck-Mobile just driivs offf into the road as they continued their serch for the Great Holy Meat)
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Wel, I hope that yoo enjoy'd this chapter and Il'l try to get the next one up sooon.
{[Magnus' fanfic ends]}
((the next day Magnus checks his fic and finds some new reviews))
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The_Matrix (aka The Wachowski Brothers) SIGNED "Wow, this is, without dought, the best thing I have ever read! This is just freakin' amazing! Hell, this would make the best movie ever made! Even Neo thinks this is the best thing ever! I am really impressed! Neo wants Magnus' autograph!"
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Masamune (aka Sephiroth) SIGNED "Oh my god, this kicks soooo much ass!!! I am honored to have read this fic, it is so damn good! I'd trade my Masamune just to meet Magnus for a second, this just is so awesome! Oh my god, I'm beginning to sound like a fangirl, but it doesn't matter, this fic deserves it!!"
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Evil_Person (aka Dr. Evil) SIGNED "You have given me a great idea! I will find the Great Holy Meat before you and hold the frickin' thing for ransom for 1 million dollars! Mwahahahahahaha!!"
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The_Devil (aka Satan) Anonymous "I, Satan, can approve of this bitchin fic, yo? Dawg, this fic is bitchen, it is the perfect tool for torturing the French! And my psychologist, Concept of a Demon, agrees with me!"
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Smeg_Head (aka Arnold Rimmer) SIGNED "You know, I bet that I could be related to Magnus. I can tell that Magnus is obviously Christopher Columbus' cousin because of how respectable Magnus is. I MUST be related to Magnus! Arnold Magnus Judas Rimmer. Nice ring to it."
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((The scene is now that same day. The lieutenants are all gathered around a TV and Kain walks up to the VCR and puts a movie in))
Melchiah: What are we watching?
Kain: "Can't Catch Me" starring Marcus and directed and produced by Marcus. I wanna see what all the fuss is about.
{["Can't Catch Me" begins]}
((the scene is an alleyway with a chair at the end. Marcus unemotionally walks around then the SL shows up behind him. The SL is wearing very tight tights that are pink)
SL: Ooh! My villain friends, catch Marcus!
(then five vampires come up beside the SL. Then Marcus is boringly walking away from five people, who are also boringly walking, or "chasing", Marcus. Then Marcus hops on a chair, screams unemotionally and the five people chasing Marcus run away)
SL: Oh no, I have been defeated!
Marcus: Can't catch me!
(then the words "THE END" appear)
{["Can't Catch Me" ends]}
(Kain and the lieutenants are just staring at the screen in disbelief. Then- -)
Lieutenants (minus Raziel): THAT WAS AWESOME!!! That was SO cool! It's much better than Blood Omen 1!
Kain: WHAT!?!? How did that beat--!?!?
Raziel: Yeah, that was horrible!
Kain: Shut up Razzyboy!
Zephon: Oh my god, that was the coolest thing ever!
Dumah: Badass!
Rahab: Yeah, can't wait for the sequel!
Turel: Awesome!
Kain: I hate everything...
_______________________________________________________________________
Well, after a long delay I've finally got this updated. I had writer's block for a long time because I couldn't find a way to make this stupid and hilarious as usual but I think I done good in this chapter. Took me forever to shrug off the writer's block. Anyway, you get to choose what kind of incredibly stupid or ridiculous villain that Moebius becomes! And remember, I need at least ONE reviewer to make a suggestion because without you people, this can't go on (well, it could but it wouldn't be as unique). So, hope you liked this chapter and, of course, don't forget to review!
A/N: This chapter's random winner is none other than OrpheumZero and bahamut
((The scene is an award's show in Nosgoth. Kain and the lieutenants are in the audience, as well as thousands of other vampires. Magnus is up front hosting and giving out awards))
Magnus: WELL, WELCOME TO THE NOSGOTH MOVIE AWARDS!
Kain: I'm gonna win this for sure! No other movie even touched Blood Omen 1!
Turel: Well what about Can't Catch Me?
Kain: SHUTTUP YOU!!
Magnus: THE NOMINEES FOR BEST ACTION SEQUENCE IN A MOVIE ARE: KAIN VERSUS THE ARMY OF BAD GUYS DURING THE WILLIAM THE JUST INVASION!
(shows scene from that time during Kain Presents: Blood Omen 1 when Zephon had to take over for Kain)
Magnus: THE OTHER NOMINEE IS MARCUS IN "CAN'T CATCH ME!"
(shows scene where Marcus is boringly walking away from five people, who are also boringly walking, or "chasing", Marcus. Then Marcus hops on a chair, screams unemotionally and the five people chasing Marcus run away)
Magnus: AND THE WINNER IS...MARCUS FROM "CAN'T CATCH ME!"
Kain: What!? But Marcus is a complete assbag! That scene was as dull as Zephon's head!!
(Marcus walks up and accepts the award)
Marcus: Thank you! Thank you! I'm so glad I won and beat my "competition." Kain's movie was so STUPID and so DULL! Let's all point as Kain and laugh!
(so everyone, even the lieutenants, point at Kain and laugh. Kain is fuming)
Dumah: (pointing at Kain) What a loser!
(then Kain punches Raziel. Then Marcus sits down and Magnus gets ready for the next award)
Magnus: THIS NEXT NOMINEE GOES TO BEST ACTOR. THE NOMINEES ARE: KAIN FROM BLOOD OMEN 1!
(shows scene with Kain yelling "Vae Victus!")
Magnus: RAZIEL FOR WHATEVER THE HELL ROLE HE'S PLAYED, IF HE'S EVEN PLAYED A ROLL! IF NOT, HE'S STILL NOMINATED FOR THE HELL OF IT! THEN THERE'S MARCUS FROM "CAN'T CATCH ME!" AND THE SARAFAN LORD AS "Trixie" IN THE SAME MOVIE!
(shows scene where Marcus sleepily and unemotionally says "can't catch me" and the SL dressed up in tight tights saying in a high pitch "Ooh!")
Magnus: THE WINNER IS...IT'S A TIE BETWEEN MARCUS, THE SARAFAN LORD, AND RAZIEL!
(Marcus, SL, and Raziel all walk up to receive an award)
Raziel: Thank you everyone! Oh, and I would LOVE to quote a quote from the sequel that's in progress. Hey Kain, you SYUUUUUCK!!!! Yep, you really SUUUUUUUUCK!!
SL: Kain has vweird 'air!
Marcus: SL has a weird accent. He said Kain has weird hair!
Raziel: Kain's a bully! He SUUUUUCKS!! Hahahahahahah!
(so everyone went back to laughing at Kain and Kain released his anger on poor Rahab by throwing a stapler at his head)
Magnus: WELL, MAGNUS IS DONE HERE! MAGNUS WILL LET MARCUS ANNOUNCE BEST MOVIE! PEACE OUT!
(so Magnus leaves and goes back to the Pillars, careful to avoid Kain. Then Magnus submits his next chapter)
{Magnus' fanfic begins}
Deesclaamer: Meee doon't ooown LoooK ooor aaany ooof eet's charakterz
____________________________________________________________________
((The sceen is stil insiid of Wal-Mart. Mobeus is stil chasing Raziel and Duma and Mobeus is stil trying to bovine-slap them. Raziel and Duma stil haav pantyhose on their heds))
Raziel: AHHHHH!!
Dumah: Ther must be sumthing we can do!!
Raziel: Sumone's bound to saav us!!
Dumah: Wat we neeed now is a super-hero!
Raziel: We can beecom super-heros!
Dumah: How???
Raziel: Just follow my leed.
(then Mobeus caches up to them. But wen he was about to bovine-slap them, Raziel and Duma stoood beesiid eech other and dun sumthing totaly unexpected)
Raziel and Dumah: Might Morphing Panyhose-Head Time!
Chorus: Go go Pantyhose-Head Rangers! Go go Pantyhose-Head Rangers!
(then Raziel and Duma locked arms and ran around in circles singing the Mighty Morphing Pantyhose-Head Theme Song and wen they stop'd, they look'd exactly liik they did beefor)
Raziel: Ha! Wat do yoo think uf us now?
Dumah: Yeh!
Moebius: Oh yeh?? Wel I wil beecom the most evil villain ever maad! Muahahahahaha!
Raziel: Not even yoo can defeet the Pantyhose-Head Rangers!
Moebius: Im aboot too transform!
(then Mobeus gets a phone call)
Moebius: Helo? Hey Mortanius, honey. Yes, Im aboot too transform. No, I have'nt seeen yoor birth control pils. Yes, Il'l be home in tiim for supper. No, I have'nt beeen cheating on yoo with that donkey that I found so atractive. Yes, once wen I was in bed. No, only wen I haav on my birthday costume. Yes, but that was on acident. Okay, yoo satisfied? Okay, I gota go, see ya at home.
Raziel: ???
Dumah: ???
((the sceen is now the Duck-Mobile that was waiting outsiid. Turel was start'ng to get worried))
Turel: Im start'ng too get worried. I must saav them!!
(then Turel jump'd out the window becaus he forgot he had a dooor)
Turel: EAT MY DUCKIES!!!
(then Turel ran insiid Wal-Mart. But the sceen is stil the Duck-Mobile)
Zephon: Whataretard. (snorts)
Kain: I bet retards liik him haav a nice buttt.
Zephon: (aiming his gun at her) YesIbetyouthinktheydoyouslut. (snorts)
Melchiah: Do'nt shooot her!
Rahab: Id taak a bullet for Magnus! Id sacrafiic my balls for Magnus!
Magnus: That wo'nt be necesary.
Melchiah: Ca'nt we just driiv off without him. We stil neeed to fiind the Great Holy Meat.
Magnus: Good idea.
(so Magnus start driiving offf, but a few seconds laater, a greeen dude jumps on their window)
Magnus: AHHHHH!!!
Rahab: AHHHHH!!! Id sacrafiic my balls for Magnus!
Zephon: You'vesaidthatalready!! (snorts)
Rahab: Haav I?
Melchiah: AHHH!!
Kain: AHHHH!! Hey, that greeen thing loooks sexy.
(they stop and the greeen thing cliims in throo the window)
Magnus: Who ar yoo?
Green Dude: Helo. My naam is Vorador.
Rahab: Do'nt yoo even think aboot hurting Magnus! Id sacrafiic my balls for Magnus!
Zephon: SomebodypunchRahabout! (snorts)
Melchiah: Wel, helo Vorador, why-
Vorador: Do'nt cal me Vorador!
Melchiah: Why not?
Vorador: Thats a really stupid sounding naam. Cal me...Greeny Wang.
Zephon: Riiiiiiiiight...
Vorador: The naam Greeny Wang is much moor respectable.
Kain: Wow, Greeny Wang. I liik that naam.
Melchiah: (glars at Kain then loooks at Vorador) Wel Greeny Wang, wat brings yoo here?
Vorador: Im want'd!
Melchiah: Why's that?
(Vorador flashes al of them. Obviously he's wearing nothing underneath)
Kain: Wow! Again! Again!
Zephon: (aims his gun at Vorador's crotch) Yesflashusagain. (snorts)
Rahab: Id sacrafiic my balls for Magnus!
Zephon: That'sit! (snorts)
(Zefon shooots Rahab in the fooot)
Rahab: Ouchkabibbles!
Melchiah: Do'nt even do that again. My slutty woman liiks that sort of thing.
Vorador: (puls a Bagel out of his poket) This is another reeson Im wanted.
Melchiah: So? It's a bagel.
Vorador: It is the Sarafan Lord's super-duper, one-of-a-kind, glow-in-the- dark, praised-by-a-rabbi Bagel! I stole it from the SL!
Melchiah: So, yoo're wanted for flashing and for the bagel.
Vorador: Yep! (sees Kain) Helo, who is this sexy vixen?
Melchiah: Stay away from her!
Kain: Im Kain. Greeny Wang, I think yoo're sexy.
Vorador: Yoo too.
(so Vorador and Kain cliim into the back seet and maak out)
Melchiah: (irrriated sigh) I really really haat Vorador.
Vorador: (from the back seet) Cal me Greeny Wang!
Kain: GREENY WANG!
Vorador: (to Kain) Not yoo!
Rahab: Why am I in soo much pain!? (loooks to his fooot) When did I get shot?
Zephon: GodwhatdidIdotogetstuckwiththeseretards!?!? (snorts)
(then the Duck-Mobile just driivs offf into the road as they continued their serch for the Great Holy Meat)
_______________________________________________________________________
Wel, I hope that yoo enjoy'd this chapter and Il'l try to get the next one up sooon.
{[Magnus' fanfic ends]}
((the next day Magnus checks his fic and finds some new reviews))
-----------------
The_Matrix (aka The Wachowski Brothers) SIGNED "Wow, this is, without dought, the best thing I have ever read! This is just freakin' amazing! Hell, this would make the best movie ever made! Even Neo thinks this is the best thing ever! I am really impressed! Neo wants Magnus' autograph!"
-----------------
-----------------
Masamune (aka Sephiroth) SIGNED "Oh my god, this kicks soooo much ass!!! I am honored to have read this fic, it is so damn good! I'd trade my Masamune just to meet Magnus for a second, this just is so awesome! Oh my god, I'm beginning to sound like a fangirl, but it doesn't matter, this fic deserves it!!"
-----------------
-----------------
Evil_Person (aka Dr. Evil) SIGNED "You have given me a great idea! I will find the Great Holy Meat before you and hold the frickin' thing for ransom for 1 million dollars! Mwahahahahahaha!!"
-----------------
-----------------
The_Devil (aka Satan) Anonymous "I, Satan, can approve of this bitchin fic, yo? Dawg, this fic is bitchen, it is the perfect tool for torturing the French! And my psychologist, Concept of a Demon, agrees with me!"
-----------------
-----------------
Smeg_Head (aka Arnold Rimmer) SIGNED "You know, I bet that I could be related to Magnus. I can tell that Magnus is obviously Christopher Columbus' cousin because of how respectable Magnus is. I MUST be related to Magnus! Arnold Magnus Judas Rimmer. Nice ring to it."
----------------
((The scene is now that same day. The lieutenants are all gathered around a TV and Kain walks up to the VCR and puts a movie in))
Melchiah: What are we watching?
Kain: "Can't Catch Me" starring Marcus and directed and produced by Marcus. I wanna see what all the fuss is about.
{["Can't Catch Me" begins]}
((the scene is an alleyway with a chair at the end. Marcus unemotionally walks around then the SL shows up behind him. The SL is wearing very tight tights that are pink)
SL: Ooh! My villain friends, catch Marcus!
(then five vampires come up beside the SL. Then Marcus is boringly walking away from five people, who are also boringly walking, or "chasing", Marcus. Then Marcus hops on a chair, screams unemotionally and the five people chasing Marcus run away)
SL: Oh no, I have been defeated!
Marcus: Can't catch me!
(then the words "THE END" appear)
{["Can't Catch Me" ends]}
(Kain and the lieutenants are just staring at the screen in disbelief. Then- -)
Lieutenants (minus Raziel): THAT WAS AWESOME!!! That was SO cool! It's much better than Blood Omen 1!
Kain: WHAT!?!? How did that beat--!?!?
Raziel: Yeah, that was horrible!
Kain: Shut up Razzyboy!
Zephon: Oh my god, that was the coolest thing ever!
Dumah: Badass!
Rahab: Yeah, can't wait for the sequel!
Turel: Awesome!
Kain: I hate everything...
_______________________________________________________________________
Well, after a long delay I've finally got this updated. I had writer's block for a long time because I couldn't find a way to make this stupid and hilarious as usual but I think I done good in this chapter. Took me forever to shrug off the writer's block. Anyway, you get to choose what kind of incredibly stupid or ridiculous villain that Moebius becomes! And remember, I need at least ONE reviewer to make a suggestion because without you people, this can't go on (well, it could but it wouldn't be as unique). So, hope you liked this chapter and, of course, don't forget to review!