DISCLAIMER: not mine. Bow to the genius, JK Rowling. She is the ultimate creator!
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Those Wicked Eyes
Chapter six~ Learning to see
James bit his lip, took a deep breath, and walked over to the table where Remus had his homework spread out. "Remus? Can I talk to you?"
Remus looked up, about to say no, but when he saw James, his expression changed immediately. "Of course, James. You can always talk to me. Sit down." He cleared the table of his books and papers. "What do you want to talk about?"
James sighed. "I don't know."
"Well, we can talk about the weather. We can talk about books or homework. We can talk about Christmas. Whatever you want."
"Christmas sounds good. Let's talk about that."
"Okay. How was your vacation?"
"The vacation itself was fine. I hung out with Lily a lot, since there weren't many other people here."
"Did you have a good time with Lily?"
"Yeah. I saw another side of her, really."
"Yeah, she has a lot of different sides. I'm glad you're getting to know her, personally. She's someone you can really talk to."
"Sometimes. How about you? How was your vacation?"
"Okay. It was okay. We heard about the attack. It was in the paper. We wanted to owl you, but Mum said no. She said Dumbledore would tell you in good time and we had to wait. Seriously, James. You're not okay with it yet, are you?"
"No." James sighed and put his head in his hands, trying not to cry. "I'm not. I don't think I ever will be. Why *my* family, Remus? Why *mine*?"
"I can't answer that. And I can't tell you anyone who can. You're right, you know. You aren't okay with it yet, but no one expects you to be. It's a hard loss. Devastating. I'm not going to say I understand how you feel, because I honestly don't. But take my advice, will you, James? Don't let this make you hate."
"What?"
"You are a wonderful person. You have a lot of love to give and you're strong. Don't let what happened to your family turn your heart to stone. Don't start hating. Because once you start hating, you'll be playing the game his way. That's what Voldemort wants you to do. Don't give in."
James thought about what Remus was saying. "Rem . . I should be dead, too. I would be, if I had gone home. And I'd be with them now. But I'm not. I was left behind. Dumbledore told Lily to stay here over Christmas because going home might have put her family in danger. But is there anything I could have done to stop him, if I'd been there?"
"Once Voldemort decides to kill you, James, you're pretty much dead. Don't beat yourself up about what happened. It wasn't your fault. Not in the slightest. So don't blame yourself. Fact is, if you had been there, Voldemort would have done what he was trying to do. Wipe the Potters from the books, forever. Your family was a threat."
James was silent for a long time. "Why Katie?" he finally asked. "I mean, I have four cousins all under ten. They weren't any threat to him; they never did a thing to him, yet he killed them without a second thought. The rest of my family I kind of understand. I don't want to accept it, I don't like it, but I understand it. They were Aurors or openly against him, and working to defeat him. But Katie? Willy, Jane, Diane, Chris? What could they have done? Chris was two! And Voldemort killed him. Two years old! The most he could have done was call Voldemort a meanie or bite an ankle if he got really upset. What kind of demon kills children?"
"The worst kind, James. Now you know what you're up against. Voldemort will kill anyone who is a threat, poses a threat, could become a threat, or simply in the way. He's not human. He can't be, because these acts would keep any normal human up at night, scared to go to sleep. He won't stopped until he *is* stopped, or until every creature living has succumbed to his will. And that's the honest trust."
"Then I will not rest until I have defeated him. I will defeat him or die trying."
"I know you will. But you know what's going to defeat him in the end?"
"What?"
"Love. Pure love. His heart is made of pure hatred, so pure love is what will vanquish him." James nodded. "Do something for me, will you?"
"What?"
"Talk to Lily. She wants to help, and she'll probably understand what exactly you're going through better than anyone here."
"Lily?"
"You said you saw a different side of her on Christmas. Go look at this one."
"I will." Remus pulled James into a tight embrace. James smiled sadly at him and turned back to go to the Heads' Common Room, thinking, *Just how may sides does Lily have?*
~~~
"How was your talk?" Lily asked as soon as James entered the Common Room.
"You are worse than a mosquito, you know that?"
"What do you mean?"
"Never mind." He started for his room, but she caught up with him, grabbing his wrist to keep him in place.
"Please don't shut me out, James. I want to help."
James sighed. "I appreciate that you want to help, Lily, but I'm not going to let you."
"Why not?" Lily asked, concerned.
"Because. You are innocent and carefree and, quite frankly, naive. You walk around without a care in the world. You haven't known death and destruction, and I don't want to mess that up for you." She raised her eyebrows.
"Me? I'm innocent? Come here," she said, walking to the sofa and sitting. He followed, grudgingly. "Look at me."
"Why?" James asked, cautious.
"I want to show you something. You've heard the saying 'the eyes are the windows to the soul,' right? Good. Just let me try something, okay?" James nodded. Lily caught his gaze and stared into his blue-grey eyes. "Do you know what I see in your eyes?" she asked, not letting his gaze go.
"What?"
"Pain, suffering, sorrow, grief, loss, sacrifice, caution, love for your family. How about me?"
"What?"
"What do you see in my eyes?" He sighed.
"Innocence, trust, cheerfulness, optimism, happiness." She nodded.
"Okay. How about now?" Lily lowered her gaze for a moment, recalling her past. When she looked back at him, the change was so great he gasped. "Well?"
"Pain, suffering, sorrow, grief, loss."
"Exactly." She smiled at him sadly. "I know how it hurts, James. I'm not free from death and destruction. I know what it's like. I just have good shields."
"What happened to you?" he asked. Lily looked away.
"When I was eight, my mother disappeared. Just . . disappeared. Into thin air. No trace, no warning, she was just . . gone. When I was ten, my father was diagnosed with a heart condition so serious, he wasn't expected to live through the year. The doctors gave him six months. My fifteen-year-old sister and I had to take care of him. When I got my letter and left for school, my sister grew to hate me. And when I was seven, my little brother died in my arms." Lily turned back to him, still smiling sadly.
"How do you live with that, day after day? How do you stand it?"
"I remember something my mother once told me. She said that when you reach your lowest point, and you feel things can sink any further, the only direction left to go . . is up. She said you have two choices, once you reach that point. You can lay sprawled on the bottom, or you can bounce back. 'It hurts to bounce back,' she told me, 'but it kills you to stay down.'"
"That's great advice, but how do you do that? How do you bounce back? I don't think I can, Lily." He bit his lip, trying to compose himself. "I don't think I can."
"You can, James. I promise."
"How did you? How do you keep smiling knowing all that?" he whispered.
"Well, when I turned 13, my mother turned up on our doorstep. Tortured, beaten, broken, and barely alive, but there. We took her in and nursed her back to health as best we could. She and my father celebrated twenty-five years of marriage last year, and are both still kicking. My father made a wondrous recovery once my mother came back, and the doctors say he could live another thirty years easy. My sister still hates me, and she got married last year to a man who also hates me, but they moved to Surrey, and I don't have to put up with them any more."
"What about . . your brother?" Lily sobered.
"Dylan was . . wonderful. He was two years younger than me. He was five when he died. We had gone for a picnic by the river. Petunia and I had decided to make a game out of jumping from a big rock the shore to different rocks in the middle of the river. The water was only about two feet deep, so when Dylan wanted to play, we let him. We had a few rounds where everything was fine and fun. But then . . he went to jump, and he slipped, hitting his head on the rock. He fell into the water, and slipped right under without any struggle. I ran after him and pulled him out. He wasn't breathing, but Petunia gave him CPR while Mom and Dad got the car. We piled in and rushed to the hospital. He had a gash across the back of his head that was bleeding. I was holding him, and he looked up at me and said, 'Please don't cry. It's my time to go. I love you all.' Then he died. But he told me not to cry, so I don't because I know he didn't want me to feel sad."
"I'm sorry."
"I didn't tell you for you to comfort me. I told you so that you would talk to me." James nodded, staring off into the distance.
"It hurts," he said finally. "It hurts to think of them, but I feel awful if I don't think of them. Like I'm betraying them. But I feel like I'm betraying them simply by the fact that I'm alive.
I shouldn't be alive, Lily. By all rights, I should be dead."
"Yes," she agreed. "But you're not. If you should be dead, but you aren't, that means you have a purpose here, James. You can't be betraying your family if you stayed here for a reason."
"But what is that reason, Lily?"
"I don't know. That's not my question to answer. It's yours."
"Well, I don't know either. And I'm sick and tired of trying to figure everything out. And I'm sick and tired of everyone telling me they understand, because they don't! No one does."
"You're right. No one does. And maybe your reason for staying is to ensure that no one has to." She looked at him and shrugged, smiling sadly. "Don't be afraid to face the world, James. Don't be afraid to tell people your story. I think it needs to be heard." She stood, and walked toward her room. Halfway there, she turned around to face him again. "I miss her, too," was all she said, but it comforted James. He stared into the flames, a few key phrases sticking in his mind.
*Don't let what happened to your family turn your heart to stone. Don't start hating. Because once you start hating, you'll be playing the game his way. That's what Voldemort wants you to do. Don't give in.
You know what's going to defeat him in the end? . . Love. Pure love. His heart is made of pure hatred, so pure love is what will vanquish him.
When you reach your lowest point, and you feel things can sink any further, the only direction left to go . . is up . . . You have two choices, once you reach that point. You can lay sprawled on the bottom, or you can bounce back. It hurts to bounce back, but it kills you to stay down.
Maybe your reason for staying is to ensure that no one has to.*
That night he dreamed that he came face to face with Voldemort. They struggled, and, for a moment, it seemed Voldemort would win, but then, from out of the darkness, something was thrown at him. Picking it up, he saw it was a giant heart. He held it up, and it quivered, sucking Voldemort into its very essence, until there was nothing left. Then the heart began to float, pulling him along with it, up into the sky, where his family stood waiting. Lily followed shortly after. Katie came forward to the both of them.
'He is not yet defeated,' she told them, 'but he is far from winning. The love you left behind will defeat him in the end.' Then Lily and James joined the Potters and faded away.
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A/N: There you have it! I have been working tirelessly (ok, not quite tirelessly, but go with it) to bring this next chapter to you. I know all you peeps are anxious for me to finish, so I'm doing my best while I still have time. Cause once school starts, free time is going to be but a pleasant memory. So, hope you enjoyed this part. I know, still not a lot of action, but IT WILL COME. We have to get JAmes over his heartbreak first. He's almost there, bear with him.
Now. Any M*A*S*H fans out there? Any at all? Well, if there are, a chocolate chip cookie to whoever can tell me which M*A*S*H character I based Remus on. Answer next chapter. Good luck!
Sasatia: I know, poor James. But he's learning to cope. Things will get better, I promise.
Natalie: whoa! Thanks for the looong review. The action is coming. Things are still a bit slow, I know. But I'm working on it. I will try not to drop dead at band camp, because I know you want me to finish. But, I don't think it will be a problem, umless we have many more days like today. We were out under direct sunlight for two hours, working on drills. It was soooo hot! BUt the forecast is looking better, so death isn't a real possibility.
Slippersrfuzzy: my goodness, but you are bossy! no, J/K. And yes, I am from the US. I try to use the British lingo for the sake of HP, but it's a little confusing betimes. So if I"m using something wrong, just yell at me.
fddjafhd/Pip4: here's more! and more is on the way! I"m writing like crazy!
madabouterangelharrypotter: yes, I know chapter four is sad. There's a saying that if you can think it up, you can handle it, but in this case, I don't think that's true.
mauraderbabe289: Thanks. That probably was a different story. I did that partly because I wanted to break up the monotony, and that this is already approaching 23 pages and my computer doesn't like files over 40 very much.
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Those Wicked Eyes
Chapter six~ Learning to see
James bit his lip, took a deep breath, and walked over to the table where Remus had his homework spread out. "Remus? Can I talk to you?"
Remus looked up, about to say no, but when he saw James, his expression changed immediately. "Of course, James. You can always talk to me. Sit down." He cleared the table of his books and papers. "What do you want to talk about?"
James sighed. "I don't know."
"Well, we can talk about the weather. We can talk about books or homework. We can talk about Christmas. Whatever you want."
"Christmas sounds good. Let's talk about that."
"Okay. How was your vacation?"
"The vacation itself was fine. I hung out with Lily a lot, since there weren't many other people here."
"Did you have a good time with Lily?"
"Yeah. I saw another side of her, really."
"Yeah, she has a lot of different sides. I'm glad you're getting to know her, personally. She's someone you can really talk to."
"Sometimes. How about you? How was your vacation?"
"Okay. It was okay. We heard about the attack. It was in the paper. We wanted to owl you, but Mum said no. She said Dumbledore would tell you in good time and we had to wait. Seriously, James. You're not okay with it yet, are you?"
"No." James sighed and put his head in his hands, trying not to cry. "I'm not. I don't think I ever will be. Why *my* family, Remus? Why *mine*?"
"I can't answer that. And I can't tell you anyone who can. You're right, you know. You aren't okay with it yet, but no one expects you to be. It's a hard loss. Devastating. I'm not going to say I understand how you feel, because I honestly don't. But take my advice, will you, James? Don't let this make you hate."
"What?"
"You are a wonderful person. You have a lot of love to give and you're strong. Don't let what happened to your family turn your heart to stone. Don't start hating. Because once you start hating, you'll be playing the game his way. That's what Voldemort wants you to do. Don't give in."
James thought about what Remus was saying. "Rem . . I should be dead, too. I would be, if I had gone home. And I'd be with them now. But I'm not. I was left behind. Dumbledore told Lily to stay here over Christmas because going home might have put her family in danger. But is there anything I could have done to stop him, if I'd been there?"
"Once Voldemort decides to kill you, James, you're pretty much dead. Don't beat yourself up about what happened. It wasn't your fault. Not in the slightest. So don't blame yourself. Fact is, if you had been there, Voldemort would have done what he was trying to do. Wipe the Potters from the books, forever. Your family was a threat."
James was silent for a long time. "Why Katie?" he finally asked. "I mean, I have four cousins all under ten. They weren't any threat to him; they never did a thing to him, yet he killed them without a second thought. The rest of my family I kind of understand. I don't want to accept it, I don't like it, but I understand it. They were Aurors or openly against him, and working to defeat him. But Katie? Willy, Jane, Diane, Chris? What could they have done? Chris was two! And Voldemort killed him. Two years old! The most he could have done was call Voldemort a meanie or bite an ankle if he got really upset. What kind of demon kills children?"
"The worst kind, James. Now you know what you're up against. Voldemort will kill anyone who is a threat, poses a threat, could become a threat, or simply in the way. He's not human. He can't be, because these acts would keep any normal human up at night, scared to go to sleep. He won't stopped until he *is* stopped, or until every creature living has succumbed to his will. And that's the honest trust."
"Then I will not rest until I have defeated him. I will defeat him or die trying."
"I know you will. But you know what's going to defeat him in the end?"
"What?"
"Love. Pure love. His heart is made of pure hatred, so pure love is what will vanquish him." James nodded. "Do something for me, will you?"
"What?"
"Talk to Lily. She wants to help, and she'll probably understand what exactly you're going through better than anyone here."
"Lily?"
"You said you saw a different side of her on Christmas. Go look at this one."
"I will." Remus pulled James into a tight embrace. James smiled sadly at him and turned back to go to the Heads' Common Room, thinking, *Just how may sides does Lily have?*
~~~
"How was your talk?" Lily asked as soon as James entered the Common Room.
"You are worse than a mosquito, you know that?"
"What do you mean?"
"Never mind." He started for his room, but she caught up with him, grabbing his wrist to keep him in place.
"Please don't shut me out, James. I want to help."
James sighed. "I appreciate that you want to help, Lily, but I'm not going to let you."
"Why not?" Lily asked, concerned.
"Because. You are innocent and carefree and, quite frankly, naive. You walk around without a care in the world. You haven't known death and destruction, and I don't want to mess that up for you." She raised her eyebrows.
"Me? I'm innocent? Come here," she said, walking to the sofa and sitting. He followed, grudgingly. "Look at me."
"Why?" James asked, cautious.
"I want to show you something. You've heard the saying 'the eyes are the windows to the soul,' right? Good. Just let me try something, okay?" James nodded. Lily caught his gaze and stared into his blue-grey eyes. "Do you know what I see in your eyes?" she asked, not letting his gaze go.
"What?"
"Pain, suffering, sorrow, grief, loss, sacrifice, caution, love for your family. How about me?"
"What?"
"What do you see in my eyes?" He sighed.
"Innocence, trust, cheerfulness, optimism, happiness." She nodded.
"Okay. How about now?" Lily lowered her gaze for a moment, recalling her past. When she looked back at him, the change was so great he gasped. "Well?"
"Pain, suffering, sorrow, grief, loss."
"Exactly." She smiled at him sadly. "I know how it hurts, James. I'm not free from death and destruction. I know what it's like. I just have good shields."
"What happened to you?" he asked. Lily looked away.
"When I was eight, my mother disappeared. Just . . disappeared. Into thin air. No trace, no warning, she was just . . gone. When I was ten, my father was diagnosed with a heart condition so serious, he wasn't expected to live through the year. The doctors gave him six months. My fifteen-year-old sister and I had to take care of him. When I got my letter and left for school, my sister grew to hate me. And when I was seven, my little brother died in my arms." Lily turned back to him, still smiling sadly.
"How do you live with that, day after day? How do you stand it?"
"I remember something my mother once told me. She said that when you reach your lowest point, and you feel things can sink any further, the only direction left to go . . is up. She said you have two choices, once you reach that point. You can lay sprawled on the bottom, or you can bounce back. 'It hurts to bounce back,' she told me, 'but it kills you to stay down.'"
"That's great advice, but how do you do that? How do you bounce back? I don't think I can, Lily." He bit his lip, trying to compose himself. "I don't think I can."
"You can, James. I promise."
"How did you? How do you keep smiling knowing all that?" he whispered.
"Well, when I turned 13, my mother turned up on our doorstep. Tortured, beaten, broken, and barely alive, but there. We took her in and nursed her back to health as best we could. She and my father celebrated twenty-five years of marriage last year, and are both still kicking. My father made a wondrous recovery once my mother came back, and the doctors say he could live another thirty years easy. My sister still hates me, and she got married last year to a man who also hates me, but they moved to Surrey, and I don't have to put up with them any more."
"What about . . your brother?" Lily sobered.
"Dylan was . . wonderful. He was two years younger than me. He was five when he died. We had gone for a picnic by the river. Petunia and I had decided to make a game out of jumping from a big rock the shore to different rocks in the middle of the river. The water was only about two feet deep, so when Dylan wanted to play, we let him. We had a few rounds where everything was fine and fun. But then . . he went to jump, and he slipped, hitting his head on the rock. He fell into the water, and slipped right under without any struggle. I ran after him and pulled him out. He wasn't breathing, but Petunia gave him CPR while Mom and Dad got the car. We piled in and rushed to the hospital. He had a gash across the back of his head that was bleeding. I was holding him, and he looked up at me and said, 'Please don't cry. It's my time to go. I love you all.' Then he died. But he told me not to cry, so I don't because I know he didn't want me to feel sad."
"I'm sorry."
"I didn't tell you for you to comfort me. I told you so that you would talk to me." James nodded, staring off into the distance.
"It hurts," he said finally. "It hurts to think of them, but I feel awful if I don't think of them. Like I'm betraying them. But I feel like I'm betraying them simply by the fact that I'm alive.
I shouldn't be alive, Lily. By all rights, I should be dead."
"Yes," she agreed. "But you're not. If you should be dead, but you aren't, that means you have a purpose here, James. You can't be betraying your family if you stayed here for a reason."
"But what is that reason, Lily?"
"I don't know. That's not my question to answer. It's yours."
"Well, I don't know either. And I'm sick and tired of trying to figure everything out. And I'm sick and tired of everyone telling me they understand, because they don't! No one does."
"You're right. No one does. And maybe your reason for staying is to ensure that no one has to." She looked at him and shrugged, smiling sadly. "Don't be afraid to face the world, James. Don't be afraid to tell people your story. I think it needs to be heard." She stood, and walked toward her room. Halfway there, she turned around to face him again. "I miss her, too," was all she said, but it comforted James. He stared into the flames, a few key phrases sticking in his mind.
*Don't let what happened to your family turn your heart to stone. Don't start hating. Because once you start hating, you'll be playing the game his way. That's what Voldemort wants you to do. Don't give in.
You know what's going to defeat him in the end? . . Love. Pure love. His heart is made of pure hatred, so pure love is what will vanquish him.
When you reach your lowest point, and you feel things can sink any further, the only direction left to go . . is up . . . You have two choices, once you reach that point. You can lay sprawled on the bottom, or you can bounce back. It hurts to bounce back, but it kills you to stay down.
Maybe your reason for staying is to ensure that no one has to.*
That night he dreamed that he came face to face with Voldemort. They struggled, and, for a moment, it seemed Voldemort would win, but then, from out of the darkness, something was thrown at him. Picking it up, he saw it was a giant heart. He held it up, and it quivered, sucking Voldemort into its very essence, until there was nothing left. Then the heart began to float, pulling him along with it, up into the sky, where his family stood waiting. Lily followed shortly after. Katie came forward to the both of them.
'He is not yet defeated,' she told them, 'but he is far from winning. The love you left behind will defeat him in the end.' Then Lily and James joined the Potters and faded away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N: There you have it! I have been working tirelessly (ok, not quite tirelessly, but go with it) to bring this next chapter to you. I know all you peeps are anxious for me to finish, so I'm doing my best while I still have time. Cause once school starts, free time is going to be but a pleasant memory. So, hope you enjoyed this part. I know, still not a lot of action, but IT WILL COME. We have to get JAmes over his heartbreak first. He's almost there, bear with him.
Now. Any M*A*S*H fans out there? Any at all? Well, if there are, a chocolate chip cookie to whoever can tell me which M*A*S*H character I based Remus on. Answer next chapter. Good luck!
Sasatia: I know, poor James. But he's learning to cope. Things will get better, I promise.
Natalie: whoa! Thanks for the looong review. The action is coming. Things are still a bit slow, I know. But I'm working on it. I will try not to drop dead at band camp, because I know you want me to finish. But, I don't think it will be a problem, umless we have many more days like today. We were out under direct sunlight for two hours, working on drills. It was soooo hot! BUt the forecast is looking better, so death isn't a real possibility.
Slippersrfuzzy: my goodness, but you are bossy! no, J/K. And yes, I am from the US. I try to use the British lingo for the sake of HP, but it's a little confusing betimes. So if I"m using something wrong, just yell at me.
fddjafhd/Pip4: here's more! and more is on the way! I"m writing like crazy!
madabouterangelharrypotter: yes, I know chapter four is sad. There's a saying that if you can think it up, you can handle it, but in this case, I don't think that's true.
mauraderbabe289: Thanks. That probably was a different story. I did that partly because I wanted to break up the monotony, and that this is already approaching 23 pages and my computer doesn't like files over 40 very much.