We all know I own nothing.
Those Wicked Eyes
chapter twelve But the Greatest of these is Love
James came back every day to sit with Lily. He didn't talk, he just sat. And he left as soon as she showed signs of waking up. He knew she would want to talk about what had happened, and it was a subject he didn't want to go into, particularly the inevitable question of what had happened in the Common Room. What was he supposed to say? 'I didn't kiss you because I knew if I did, we would both end up in a place we didn't want to be?' Hadn't that happened anyway? But now James knew, for certain, that Lily could never know how he felt. As much as it hurt, there was only one choice. He had to sever all ties with her, as soon as possible. Look what had happened to her simply because she was his friend! Look what Voldemort had done to her!
Still, there was that annoying part in his mind that told him he was being crazy. 'You love her!' it said repeatedly. 'Don't fight that!' Hadn't Remus told him to learn to love? Hadn't he said that was the only way to defeat Voldemort? 'But loving her is what made this happen,' his other side would argue back. 'Loving someone makes you weak, vulnerable. I have to protect her from that!'
This furious battle raged inside his mind, driving him to the point where he could scarcely concentrate on anything else, not even his N.E.W.T.'s that were creeping steadily closer. All his friends noticed, but Sirius and Peter shrugged it off as being nerves that Lily still had not been released from the hospital wing, despite the fact that she was awake and coherent. Madam Pomfrey was worried because she would not talk about that night.
Only Remus saw past the face James showed the world, perhaps because Remus, being what he was, knew how often false masks were presented to the world. After three days of watching him, Remus had finally had enough. One night, when James was yet again staring into the flames in the library instead of at his Charms book, Remus pulled him aside.
"James, will you please snap out of this?"
"Snap out of what, Remus?"
"Don't pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about. I know what is going on inside your head, James. And there shouldn't even be a choice. Your decision should be as plain as the nose on my face."
"It is. I know what I have to do. But this stupid side of me keeps telling me I'm wrong."
"Well, then? What is your choice?"
"I have to let Lily go." He stated it simply, without grief or strain, and only a person who had learned to see past the masks of life would know how much it hurt James to say that. Remus was one of those people.
"If you do that, you are a fool. You love her, James!"
James looked away. "And that is why I must let her go, Remus. I can't let her be hurt again, and she will be, if she stays. My love for her is not strong enough. The fact is, it weakens me. It will weaken her."
"'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things,'" Remus quoted quietly. James turned to him.
"What?"
"First Corinthians, chapter 13, verses four a, six, and seven. Love endures. It always has; it always will, James. Can't you see that? If you push her away, you'll be doing exactly what Voldemort wants you to do. And that is push away everyone and everything dear to you, so there is no reason for you to stay."
"You can't know that, Remus. No one can," James said.
"'And now faith, hope, and love abide, but the greatest of these is love.' First Corinthians, chapter 13, verse 13. Think about it, James. It's not that hard." Remus left the library, leaving James alone once more with his thoughts.
Lily stood just outside the entrance to the Hospital Wing. It had taken more begging than she had wanted to do, but Madam Pomfrey had finally let her go.
"I don't want you leaving until I'm sure you know what happened!" she had said. "And I can't know that until you talk about it!"
"Did you ever consider that maybe I'm not talking about it because I remember what happened? Madam Pomfrey, I need to talk to James. First and foremost, before I do anything else. Then, and only then, I will tell the rest of you. Because there are parts I don't understand, and I need to talk to him about them!"
"Fine! Go! But if your mind is permanently damaged because you couldn't wait another few days, don't come crying to me!" Lily had laughed, saying she'd be sure not to, gathered her things, and walked out. But now her problem was, she didn't know where to find James. He wasn't in the library or either of the Common Rooms or the Great Hall. She couldn't find him anywhere.
She came out of the library, still searching, when she nearly collided with a less-than-cheerful Remus.
"Lily? Madam Pomfrey let you out?"
"Yes."
"You have to talk to James. He doesn't want to, but you have to!"
"I know. I've been trying to find him, but I can't!"
"He's in the Heads' Common Room, sitting in front of the fire, but he's probably got that blasted Cloak on!" Since he didn't bother to explain his statement, Lily gathered that James had told the Marauders about her Christmas gift.
"Thank you, Remus," she said, placing a hand on his arm. "I'll find him." Remus smiled and sighed.
"I know. Make him talk, Lily. Make him!"
Lily walked into the Common Room. James was nowhere in sight, obviously. She crept over to the sofa, moving her hand carefully along the back until she felt a fold of fabric under her skin. Swiftly, she pulled it off, uncovering James, who whirled around, startled. He was not expecting to see Lily.
"How–how did you know where I was?" She shrugged.
"Lucky guess." She came around in front of the sofa, rolling the cloak into a ball. Sitting beside him, she threw it at the end away from James. "We need to talk." He looked away.
"I knew you were going to say that."
"Well, you're not that dense. It should have been an easy thing to figure out."
"I guess," he said, still turned away from her.
"James, look at me."
"No." His reply startled her a bit.
"What?"
"No. I won't. Because every time I do, those wicked eyes of yours cast a spell over me, and I can't look away. And when you do that, I do things I never mean to do. I can't think!"
"James, I'm going to be perfectly honest with you. My eyes don't cast that spell." She left the end of her statement standing open. James really didn't want her to finish it.
"You have to leave, Lily," he said, still staring into the fire. "You have to go. Not just now, but forever. I don't care where you go, so long as it's away from me. I put you in too much danger. So you have to leave."
Lily shook her head, a little bit angry that he would even suggest it. "No. That's not going to work, James. You're not getting rid of me that easily."
"For God's sake, Lily!" he yelled, standing up and moving to a corner, still facing away from her. "Save yourself! You can't stay here and live."
"It's because of you I'm alive right now in the first place!" she told him, standing up, too. He half turned. "James, I could have died. But I didn't. Because of you!"
"You don't mean that, Lily. You can't," he said, tears forming in her eyes.
"I was there, James. At the gates. There was a beautiful garden behind them, full of laughing children, and I wanted nothing more than to give up my cares and join them. Dylan was there. I saw him. I spoke to him. He was all set to let me in, when someone said 'No.' Do you know who that was James?" She was starting to cry, not knowing that he was crying, too. "It was Katie. Katie begged me not to come in, and when I asked her why. She told me to listen. So I did, James. And do you know what I heard? I heard you." Lily started to come around the other side of the sofa, but stopped halfway, standing in the center of the room. "I heard you begging me to come back. Katie told me that she hadn't wanted to leave, but that she had no choice. She told me I did, and that I couldn't hurt you again by staying there. She wanted me to come back because she loves you, and wants you to be happy. Katie loves you, James!" She hesitated, closed her eyes, and whispered, "I love you, James."
His head snapped up at her words, and his breath caught in his throat. He turned, to see her standing there, eyes closed, and crying even as he was. He crossed to her in three strides and took her in his arms, holding her tightly to him. She returned his embrace.
They stood like that for some time, neither one knowing what to say. But James knew he had to say something.
"I can't, Lily," he whispered into her hair. "I can't do that to you. Katie was right all along. I love you, Lily. I love you so much it hurts. I love you too much. Too much to let you go, and too much to let you stay. I just couldn't bear to see you hurt."
"James . ." she looked up at him as though he were being incredibly foolish. "James, do you honestly think it will hurt any worse if you push me away? And do you honestly think I'd let you? I think part of this is my choice to make. And I want you to know that even if you left, and tried to hide from me, I would find you. I'm not going to go, James. We're in this together."
James seemed at a loss for words. That obviously had not crossed his mind. "Lily, I could never forgive myself if you died because you stayed with me. I want you to have this chance to live."
"I can't live without you, James, and I don't want to try."
"But Voldemort–"
"Is waiting for you. And who's to say he's not waiting for me?"
"He used you to get to me!"
"Maybe at first. But he's mad enough at me now that once he hears I'm still alive, he'll try to finish me off. I'm a Muggle-born wizard, James. In his eyes, that's the worst kind. Don't you remember that Dumbledore wouldn't let me go home for Christmas? And we'll be stronger if we fight him together, with love, then separately, broken-hearted."
"'And now faith, hope, and love abide, but the greatest of these is love,'" James said quietly.
"Exactly. The greatest of these is love, James. Love." She gazed into his eyes as she said this, and this time, he didn't try to fight it. Smiling, she stood on tiptoe and kissed him, savoring the feeling of rockets going off inside her. He pulled her close, kissing her back and loving her with all his heart. They stood in each other's embrace a little longer, before going back to the sofa and sitting in silence, staring into the flames. James remembered back to early October, when Katie had approached him in the library.
You like Lily; admit it! She had been right all along. She always was. She had known way back then, when Lily was Sunshine Lily and hardly more than an acquaintance.
Late that night, he got out his journal in his room.
Dear Katie,
Don't say a thing.
James
It's done! Aren't you proud of me? yay!
I hope you like how it ends. i do. I'm very pleased with this chapter and I have loved getting the chance to get my story read. Thanks so much to all my reviewers, I love you so much! Also, if there is enough of an interest, I may add an epilouge. May. what do you think?
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I thank everyone so much for all their reviews! You've made this a worthwhile experience, and at a time when it seems nothing else is really going right for me, it's nice to know I have a handful of people who think I do this one thing wonderfully. God Bless you all!