In Dreams

Diamond awoke slowly, mostly because she didn't have to wake at that moment, although it was pleasant curled up in the bedclothes. Even being spooned with Pippin, his arm across her hip, was nice.

At least, until Diamond realized that neither of them were wearing clothes.

That woke her up. Diamond sat up sharply, clutching the blankets about her. Then she groaned and pressed a hand to her forehead- that hadn't been a good idea. She now knew why hangovers were evil. Deciding discretion was the better part of valor; she sank back onto the bed. Pippin stirred slightly, but did not wake.

Diamond lay there silently, desperately trying through her headache and sudden nausea to figure out what on earth had happened. She remembered being madly envious of Laurel and Randy, and then joining Pippin at a table. He was already drunk, she recalled, and she'd decided she might as well join him there as well.

The rest was a blur for the most part, although there was one clear moment in all the fog- Pippin kissing her, so intensely chills had run down her spine. Just the memory of it made her toes curl up.

Pippin muttered something in his sleep. Diamond stiffened. It was just enough to send Pippin into wakefulness.

"Hmm?" he murmured, blinking blearily in the dim light that filtered through the window curtains. "What-" he seemed to realize where he was and was suddenly fully alert. Diamond rolled over to meet his gaze.

"Oh dear," Pippin said weakly.

"Indeed," Diamond said coolly.

Pippin felt somewhere between horrified and pleasantly surprised. That glare, however, was enough to force him out of the bed and into his clothes despite his monstrous headache.

"I'll go and get the cart loaded, then," he said, trying to find something to keep Diamond from glowering at him as if he were a Ring-wraith and not her husband.

"Don't bother with my things."

That startled Pippin. "What?"

Diamond sat up, clutching the blankets to her and wincing from her drink-induced headache. "I'm not going back to Tookland," she said firmly, despite her strong desire to simply sink into the bedclothes and never come out again. "I'm staying here a while."

It took Pippin a moment to get his head around this, due to a combination of his hangover, the absurdity of it, and the fact that Diamond was not five feet away and most definitely without clothing.

"What're you talking about, Diamond?"

Diamond flushed and nearly wavered, but stayed firm. "I'm not going back with you."

* * *

Diamond stood on the front step; shielding her eyes and watching as the cart disappeared from sight. On the one hand she was glad to be home, for whom knew how long, but on the other hand a part of her ached to run after Pippin and beg him to take her with him.

"Are you sure?"

Diamond looked up. Sage was giving her a look of motherly concern, but it didn't penetrate Diamond's own fog of misery. Diamond nodded.

"Yes, I'm sure. Maybe someday…" she trailed off into silence, and looked back at the shrinking figure of the cart—and Pippin—in the distance.

Sage nodded. "It's all right. You'll sort things out." She turned and went back inside, leaving Diamond to her own devices.

"I hope so," Diamond whispered to herself. Her eyes glistened with tears that she would never let fall. "I hope so."

* * *

It was a relief, after a few days, to be within walking distance of her best friend and to not have to cook for herself. Gradually Diamond reacquainted herself with what her life had been before Pippin. That is not to say she didn't sometimes catch herself looking longingly down the road towards Tookland, but eventually she did so less and less.

Laurel and Randy were almost disgustingly happy. Diamond tried very hard not to be jealous, seeing as that had got her into this mess to begin with.

One night, about a month after the wedding, Laurel and Diamond were walking through the woods near Rose Briar, just talking. It was late in the day, and the sunlight was grazing the tops of the trees and turning them golden.

"Randy and I have talked about children," Laurel said, "but I don't think that will happen for several months at least."

"You always talked about having children right off," Diamond said teasingly, ignoring the slight jolt of fierce jealousy and longing she felt at Laurel's words. "What happened to that idea?"

Laurel flushed. "Oh, nothing," she said. "I'm just too busy figuring out how to run a household on my own just now."

They trailed into companionable silence for a few minutes. Then Laurel spoke, though slightly hesitantly.

"What happened between Pippin and you?"

Diamond swallowed hard. "Remember what we were talking about just when I arrived?"

Laurel nodded, brow creased. "Go on."

"The night of the wedding, Pippin and I both got roaring drunk."

"Why?"

"I don't know about Pippin," Diamond said, suddenly finding the dirt path extremely interesting, "but myself… I was jealous," she said softly. "Of you and Randy. You were so happy, and still are. That's something I don't think I'll ever have."

Laurel bit her lip. "You don't know that."

Diamond waved dismissively. "Well, we both got drunk and somehow ended up back at Rose Briar. And then…"

"Yes, and then," Laurel said gently. "You needn't give details, I know what you're talking about. But why?"

Diamond shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. I can't remember much. Except…" she trailed into embarrassed silence.

"What?"

"I remember feeling like he really loved me," she said quietly, feeling like she wanted to cry. "And I just wanted to be loved, really. Even if he didn't mean it, if it was just all the ale, I wanted to be loved."

"It's all right, Diamond," Laurel said, patting Diamond's shoulder. "You're allowed. But why didn't you go back?"

Diamond threw her arms up in frustration. "I don't know! I woke up that morning, and I just couldn't. I wasn't sure if it had been real. I wasn't sure of anything. I just know I didn't want to go back with him and deal with it all."

"Do you love him?"

That stopped Diamond in her tracks. For a long moment she thought about it, wondering. Remembering all the times she had longed for Pippin to see her as something more, as someone worth being with. Remembered that night, when Pippin had made the first move but she hadn't stopped him, had even longed for his touch.

"I don't know," she said, feeling a miserable emptiness inside as she said it. Despite Laurel's presence, she had never felt so alone. "I don't know."

* * *

That night, Diamond dreamt that she was back in Tookland, in their house. She could hear Pippin, but could not turn to see him. It was pitch black, but she somehow knew where she was.

He came behind her and wrapped his arms about her, trailing whisper-soft kisses down her neck and collarbone. "I missed you," he murmured, sending shivers down her spine.

"And I you," she whispered. She wanted so badly to turn around and accept his embrace, but could not.

And then he grasped her shoulders and turned her around himself. She could see his eyes glinting in the near-darkness, could hear the smile in his voice. "Come with me."

He took her hand and she followed, leading her to the master bedroom. She gave herself up entirely to him then, lost in his touch.

And he started slipping away, pulling back. She reached out for him, but-

"Pippin!" Diamond sat up sharply in her bed. She reached out for the place Pippin would have been without thinking, and shuddered when she realized he wasn't there. She flung herself back onto the bed, sobbing dispiritedly as she fully realized just what she had done.

* * *

Pippin awoke with a startled gasp. He stared at the ceiling for a moment and pulled himself up on one elbow, trying to regain his bearings.

The blankets on the other side of the bed were smooth, the pillow not slept on, and Pippin suddenly felt very cold and lonely. For a moment he seriously considered getting his things together and charging out to Long Cleave, to where Diamond was.

Then he sank back into the blankets and stared at the sloped ceiling. She had sent him away, and he would have to wait for her word to go after her. He still longed to reach out and find her beside him, but could do nothing about it for the moment.

So he stared at the ceiling, whispering her name in the darkness.

* * *

Time slipped past, as it has a tendency of doing. Despite her declarations of planning otherwise, Laurel was soon with child and found herself planning for the coming event, always seeming harried yet still glowing.

Diamond never slept well once the dreams started, and after a few weeks Sage gave up asking what was wrong, or why she still had dark circles beneath her eyes after a full night's rest. Truthfully she hardly stayed asleep for more than an hour at a time; she was so beset with dreams of Pippin. Yet she still stubbornly refused to write to Pippin, or to allow anyone else to. If he were to come for her and then not love her, or worse yet see her as baggage, she would never be happy again. She maintained, in her own mind at least, that soon this phase would pass and she would be all right again.

It didn't happen, even after Pippin had been gone for over three months.

* * *

"You look terrible," Merry observed astutely. "And you're drinking. Somebody die?"

"Hello, Merry," Pippin said dully. "No one's died."

"Could've fooled me," Merry replied, sitting in a chair across the small table from Pippin. "You're still on about Diamond, aren't you?"

"You've noticed."

Merry shook his head. "This isn't healthy, cousin. You'll soon turn into a drunkard at this rate. Just write to her."

"I've tried," Pippin snapped. "I just… can't figure out what I want to say."

"So drive out there," Merry said, a slight twinge of desperation creeping into his voice. "Just don't do this to yourself. You're driving all of us mad, not to mention yourself."

"I don't mind," the barkeep called with a laugh. He choked it off when Merry sent him a death-glare that would have made Sauron himself hesitate.

Pippin shook his head and stood, tossing a coin onto the table. "I appreciate the sentiment, but I can't yet."

He left the inn, leaving Merry to stare miserably after his best friend.

* * *

Early next morning, Merry was awakened by a mad hammering at his door. He rolled out of bed, grumbling that if it were the innkeeper he'd nail him to the wall. He swung the door open.

"Merry!" It was Pippin, looking rushed and dressed for traveling. "Do me a favor, clean up my house while I'm gone? Thanks much, cousin." He thrust a small coin purse into Merry's hands and darted down the hallway.

Merry stuck his head out, grinning. "Give Diamond my love!"

* * *

Diamond was staring at the flames dancing in the fireplace, her knitting lying forgotten in her lap. It was a blanket for Laurel's soon-to-be new arrival, and Diamond kept having the strangest wish that she were making it to keep rather than as a gift.

Normally Diamond would have gone for a walk directly after breakfast rather than hang about the hobbit-hole, but she felt like being at least somewhat productive and had been trying to work on the blanket when she had become lost in her own thoughts.

Three months in her parent's house. At first she hadn't minded, but then the dreams started and Laurel became more firmly entrenched in her new life and Diamond found herself thinking of writing Pippin more and more often. Now she just wanted to leave, but her own stubbornness prevented it.

A sudden hammering came at the front door. Diamond jumped, startled by the sound. Sage emerged from the kitchen and went to answer it. Diamond focused on her knitting again, trying not to listen in and failing miserably.

She heard a muffled male voice, asking something, and then Sage replying, but she couldn't make out much in the way of words or identify the visitor. So she went to knitting with renewed vigor, shutting out the world as she counted stitches and worked the needles furiously.

A large, rough, blunt-fingered hand suddenly appeared in her vision, halting her fingers' action. A thrill ran through Diamond's body at the touch. She looked up and gasped.

Pippin was kneeling in front of her, his expression unreadable. He looked dreadful, as though he hadn't slept in days. She could relate quite well.

"Hello, Diamond," he said, his voice rough. "Come walk with me?"

Trance-like, Diamond nodded. She set the half-finished blanket in the basket and stood. Pippin took her hand and led her outside. Diamond felt almost like she were inside another dream, but the sunlight and gentle fragrances of innumerable flowers convinced her otherwise.

Pippin led her towards the woods and down one of Diamond's favorite paths without speaking. When they were beyond sight of civilization, he stopped and turned to face her.

"What have you got to say for yourself?"