Harry looked at the Great Hall in awe. At the front of the room, there was that freak loser teacher who stuttered like a loser, and also a bunch of old guys. When Harry swept his eyes over the man with long, greasy hair, he clutched his scar and almost blacked out because it hurt so much. That had never happened before. Weird…

The girlboss lady held up a scroll in her hands and started listing off names. First was that nerdy, ugly girl who got called up, whose name was apparently "Hermione Granger" and she was sorted into Gryffindor.

"Neville Longbottom!" the girlboss lady called, and the hat was slipped on his head. They sat there for a while and it was really awkward, until it yelled GRYFFINDOR.

"Draco Malfoy!" the girlboss lady called this time, and the-

"SLYTHERIN!" the hat called. Ok. He didn't even have to put it on? Harry didn't know how this worked or really what was happening to be honest.

"Of course Malfoy is in Slytherin," Ron said (well, Harry thought it was Ron anyway), "There wasn't one Witch or Wizard who went bad that wasn't in Slytherin! Their house values are 'racism' and 'evil' that's why I have to be Gryffindor!"

The girlboss teacher called a few more names and Harry's scar hurt again when he looked at the greasy man.

"Ron, who is that greasy homeless looking guy up there? Everytime I look at him my scar hurts, which is really weird?"

"That is Professor Snape, silly child. Honestly, do you know anything?" A weasley that wasn't Ron asked him pompously, as if he actually knew everything.

"Ignore him, that's just Percy." Ron told him before he could respond to Percy. At that moment, Harry heard the girlboss say his name.

"Potter, Harry."

The entire Great Hall gasped, and Harry could see hundreds of people trying to stare at his forehead again. Weird. He walked up to the front of the room and the lady gestured to the stool for him to sit on, and as he did she placed the talking hat onto his head.

"Yep, Slytherin it is," a voice said in his head. The voice of the hat.

"Wait what no! I'm not evil or racist!" Harry thought desperately before the hat could announce Slytherin to the whole school.

"You considered joining Malfoy because racism sounded fun, so yeah, you're going to be a Slytherin, kid."

"Wait! Please put me in Gryffindor or at least not Slytherin, I don't know what else there is and I wanna be with… Ron I think."

The hat was silent for a few seconds and Harry wondered if it was making up its mind, until it asked, "you don't even know your friend's name…?"

"Well…"
"GRYFFINDOR!" Harry almost jumped out of the stool in surprise at the hat's announcement. Relief filled him that he didn't have to become a confirmed racist at the racist house with that blond blood supremacist kid.

Harry walked over to the Gryffindor table with a wide grin and sat next to the two redhead boys who were definitely Weasleys and filled his plate with food.

Suddenly, a decrepit old man with a silver beard and twinkling eyes stood up and clinked his glass to grab their attention.

"I have a few words I would like to say," the man announced. "Haekfgejanigugne aefes fnejkanfs. That will be all." Then he sat down,

The hall was filled with laughter, and they stuffed themselves with food. By the end of the feast, Harry was so full that his fat cousin's secondhand pants almost felt snug. Not really, though. That kid was FAT!

After dinner, Percy (or one of the other older Weasleys, Harry could NOT tell) led the Gryffindors up to their dormitory. Harry had to climb multiple flights of stairs and that kid Neville almost dropped his toad over the edge when he fell halfway through a trick stair. Why would they have that in a school for children? Weird.

They approached a portrait of a FAT lady, which is literally what everyone called her too, which wtf?

"Password?" She spoke, to Harry's surprise. Then he realized every single painting was alive. Magic really was weird, but cool too. He didn't want to think too hard about what living paintings implied though.

"Slytherin Sucks!" Percy called and the Fat Lady swung open to reveal a small tunnel behind which was the Gryffindor Common Room. The room was cool because of the way that it was. Harry liked it. It was cool.