Disclaimer: I don't own Haldir or Legolas…I suppose I don't own my friend the Lady of Imladris either…I'm still so poor…

I can't believe other people actually read and enjoyed this. Hee hee. It makes me happy. Thank you all for reviewing.

Note: Fedorian is from Agarwean.

Ah yes, I just turned 16 on the 22nd and my wonderful friend Emily fueled my Legolas obsession by getting me a large poster of him. It will soon grace the wall above my bed. Are you happy now, Emily? I've made a new chapter.

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Hawk and Shadow watched their elves fuss around the apartment. They were looking for ways to conceal their weapons.

Shadow looked at her friend. "I don't think we should let them take any weapons…"

"I might have to agree with you…" Hawk sighed. "They liable to kill anyone now."

As the elves crossed the room, Hawk and Shadow stopped them.

"Haldir, give me your bow and arrows."

"Legolas, knives, now." Hawk stuck out her hand.

"What? Why?" Legolas hugged the sheathes close to his body.

"You two aren't allowed to kill anyone…" Shadow struggled as she began to pry the elven bow from Haldir. "Now stop being a baby and gimme!"

"No!" He pulled back with just as much force.

"Get back here and gimme those knives!" Hawk chased Legolas around the house trying to get the deadly weapons. "If you're gonna be so stubborn, we can't let you out in public!"

"Why can't we carry them around?" Haldir finally let go of his bow, sending Shadow stumbling backwards.

"Because things don't work here like they did in Middle Earth." Shadow wrapped up the bow. "There are certain things you can't do."

"Like what?" Legolas mumbled from underneath Hawk's heavy boot, which was on top of his head, shoving him into the ground. She finally succeeded in getting Legolas' weapons.

"Well, there's a top ten." Hawk dragged him up and sat him on the couch. "Shadow, get the chart." She also pushed Haldir onto the couch.

Shadow went into their bedroom. Haldir looked at Legolas. "There's a chart?"

"There's always a chart…" The younger elf shrugged.

"Can I have a chart?"

"I don't think they'll let you have a chart…"

"Oh…" He frowned. "I wanna chart…"

Shadow reentered to room with a chart and stand. "Okay, here we go." She set up the board. "The Top Ten Things to Never Do in Front of Normal People."

"Number ten." Hawk produced a pointer. "Never show off your ears."

"Number nine." Shadow brought out her own. "Never say you're an elf."

"Number eight. Never talk about hobbits, dwarves or orcs."

"Number seven. Never show off your archery skills."

"Number six. Never talk about Mirkwood or Lothlorien."

"Number five. Never ask when you get your weapons."

"Number four. Never threaten a person with death for touching your hair."

"Number three. Never talk back to those of higher authority."

"Number two. Never compare modern fashions to the ones you're familiar with."

"And most importantly, number one, never insult a future employer."

Haldir and Legolas blinked a few times. "That's a lot of rules…" Legolas muttered.

"Can I have the chart now?"

Shadow's eye twitched. "Would you shut up about the chart?!?!"

"Un oh…" Haldir got up from the couch and ran in an attempt to avoid Shadow's rage.

Hawk and Legolas watched the two run around the house. Legolas looked at a clock. "It's 3:30…when do you think we'll go?"

"Maybe a couple hours. I'm gonna go take a nap. Wake me when they finish."

"No! You can't sleep and leave me alone with them!" He whimpered. "I could get caught in the cross fire!"

"You baby…fine I'll stay up." She sat down with him and they watched the two run around.

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About an hour later, Haldir gave up and let Shadow exact her revenge on him for his chart obsession.

After hiding the weapons in the trunk of the car, the four got into Hawk's car. Shadow almost got into the back seat with Haldir. Hawk stopped her. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Getting in the car."

"Not in the back you're not…" Hawk wrinkled her nose. "I will not have Make Out Fest 2003 in the back seat of my car while we're looking for the Mystery Man…we really need to call him something else…that is such a lame name…"

"What are you talking about? We wouldn't do that!" Shadow pouted.

"Do we really have to bring up last summer's road trip?" Legolas snorted. "You two weren't even trying to keep it quiet."

"That was fun." Haldir grinned.

"Stuff it, Haldir." Hawk pushed Shadow into the front seat with her and Legolas into the back.

"Do I have to sit with him?" Legolas grudgingly sat next to the older elf.

"Yes…don't argue with me in my car…"

"Fine…" The two elves slouched in the back and crossed their arms in an identical fashion.

"If anyone asks, are they brothers?" Shadow looked at the two while Hawk started the car.

"Might as well be. They do look similar." Hawk shrugged.

"Me? Look like him? Us related? I think not!" Haldir fumed.

"Like it sounds real good to me!" Legolas punched the elven captain.

"Quit it!" Haldir punched him back.

"You insulted me!"

"You're too sensitive!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!" They continued back and forth until Shadow turned up the radio really loud. The elves stopped yelling and covered their ears.

"Works like a charm." Shadow smirked.

"Thank you, dear. Now I can drive." The two girls gave each other high fives and happily bounced along to the blasting music while the elves were driven silent.

They were planning to go to the mall and ask around to see if anyone recognized the art style and handwriting of their mystery artist. Not the most efficient or scientific way to go about it, but Hawk saw a sale sign outside her favorite store.

"Do we have to shop?" Shadow hated it when Hawk found something to distract her from the task at hand.

"There's a sale going on…you know there's no stopping her…" Haldir put on his baseball cap to hide his ears. "We're stuck…"

"You're stuck? Who do you think is gonna carry all those bags she will inevitably get?" Legolas muttered as he put on his own hat.

"Oh yeah…" Shadow nodded as she watched Hawk run across the parking lot into the store.

Hawk did indeed buy a lot and Legolas was the one who carried most of it. By the time she was done, it was about 6:30 so they went into the mall to find something to eat.

People stared in awe of the pile of bags Hawk proudly sat in front of while eating pizza. Shadow got herself a plate of pasta from the same place.

Legolas and Haldir stared at the food. "How is it that you can actually eat that?"

"We're only human…" Hawk looked up from her food for a moment. "Deal with it."

As the men watched the women, someone across the mall screamed. The men of course, heard it. They both looked up.

"What?" Hawk put down her pizza.

"Did you hear that?"

"No…" Shadow looked annoyed. "We don't hear even a quarter of the things you do…"

"Someone got robbed."

"Huh?" Hawk stared blankly at Legolas.

He looked out of the food court. "A man dressed in black and red just took a woman's purse."

Shadow pushed Haldir off his seat with her foot. "Well, don't just sit there! Go help!"

"You too!" Hawk pushed Legolas off his seat.

The two elves ran off to find the robber. They caught him within the next five minutes.

Legolas stared at the robber's clothes. "These certainly are tasteless clothes… Haldir, didn't Fedorian were better ones?"

"Number two, Legolas." Hawk was suddenly at his side.

"Oh, right…"

The chief of mall security was impressed with them. The man who stole the woman's purse had been stealing a lot from the mall and they couldn't catch him.

"Well, it was nothing. It's easy when you're…"

"Number nine, Haldir…" Shadow tapped him.

"It's easy when you're what?" The guard looked confused.

"When you're a couple of ex-security guards…" Legolas finished for the older elf.

"Well, would you like to be current security guards? We're a little short handed…"

The elves looked at the women. They nodded. Shadow poked Haldir. "You did say you wanted to get a job."

"Something about not staying home all day with me, right?" Legolas glared at him.

"Heh, oh yeah…" Haldir scratched his head. "We'll do it then…"

"Great! There are a few papers to fill out first."

The elves and women followed the chief to an office where they were each given a stack of papers. Legolas blinked a few times.

"This is a few? I'd hate to see a lot."

"That is a lot." Hawk shook her head.

"Then why did he say a few?" They sat down.

Hawk took one of the papers. "Welcome to the world of human sarcasm…"

"Oh…"

Haldir looked at the printed boxes. "Do I have a last name?"

"Uh…" Shadow looked at it. "I don't think so. "'Of Lorien' doesn't really work…leave it blank and we'll look at it later."

An hour later all the boxes were filled except for the last name box. It stared at them. Haldir looked at Legolas. "Did you give any last name yet?"

"Ah…nope…" He shrugged. "Don't know what to put…"

"How about…Smith?" Hawk offered.

"Haldir and Legolas Smith?" Shadow raised an eyebrow. "A little odd don't you think? They have really exotic first names and boring last names? I think not…"

"Fine, shoot me down why don't you?" Hawk stuck out her tongue.

"With a suggestion like that, I will."

"Meanie…"

"Quiet, we need names for them…"

"I know…don't rush me…" Hawk tapped her finger against her chin. 'Should we make it sound foreign so people don't ask too many questions?"

"Couldn't hurt…" Shadow racked her brain. "What do we call you two?"

"Could we just use Lorien as our last names and say it's foreign?" Haldir asked.

"That could work…" Shadow nodded.

"Of course you wouldn't shoot down your little Halli Boy…" Hawk muttered as the men wrote in Lorien for their last names.

"What was that?" Shadow looked up.

"Nothin'…nothin' at all…" Hawk looked up at the ceiling.

The chief came back in. "Finished?"

"Yeah…here." Legolas gave him the papers.

"Lorien? Where does that come from?"

"Eastern Europe." Hawk spoke before either of the men could open their mouths.

"Alrighty then…"After the chief took their papers, he was ready to give them their outfits.

"Oh yeah, there's just one thing that bothers me. I don't know if that long hair is going to do." He reached out to see how long it was.

Legolas clamped his hand around the chief's wrist. "Touch the hair and die."

Hawk detached Legolas' hand from the chief's wrist. "Number four Legolas…" She looked at the terrified chief. "You'll have to excuse him, it's a uh…cultural thing…" She smiled and dragged Legolas into another room.

"Right…okay then…culture…" He smoothed out his clothes. "Can't you cut it a little though? It's awfully long…"

Haldir snorted. "Don't be stupid…"

Shadow jammed her elbow into his side. "That was number one, genius… "

"Oops…"

"Okay, I guess I'll just have to live with the long hair…when can you two start?" He looked off into the other room where Hawk was chewing out Legolas for breaking two rules.

"I think we can start in a week or so. What do you think, Shadow?" Haldir looked at her.

"Our business should be over by then, sounds good."

"Great. Can't wait for you to start." The chief smiled.

"See you then." The group of four left.

Hawk carried a few of her bags out to the car while Legolas carried the rest. "See, it's a good thing I decided to go shopping! Now they have jobs."

"Whatever…you twist everything to your advantage…" Shadow murmured.

"And?"

"Never mind…"

They reached the car and Hawk found something underneath her windshield wiper. "Don't tell me I gotta ticket…" She pulled it out. It was another envelope from the same man. "Oh no…"

"What?" Legolas grabbed the envelope. "Why does this keep happening?" He opened it.

Two more pieces of paper were inside the envelope. One was the 300 lbs Haldir sitting in the food court, eating. The other was a girlish Legolas inside Claire's Boutique.

The women once again had to attempt to calm down the men. Legolas blew up about the picture. Haldir could understand why this Mystery Man thought he was fat. The elves got into the back of the car and pouted. The humans stared at the pictures.

"You know, it's really too bad…" Hawk examined the picture.

"What?"

"He's a good artist, if not degrading."

Shadow elbowed her again. "Why do you always have to make some comment about the pictures?"

"Ow…" Hawk rubbed her side. "I'm gonna bruise…I'm just saying it's a shame he uses his talents for evil."

"You're insane…"

"And you should go to Haldir rehab, but you don't see me putting it in your face do you?" Hawk grinned.

"Oh you…"

"Hee hee. I win."

"You win nothing!"

"I win everything!" Hawk proudly proclaimed.

"Can we go now?"

"Fine…sore loser."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"We're going now!" Shadow pushed hawk back into the car.

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There, Emily! I'm done with the new chapter! Happy? Did anyone else read it and enjoy?

~*~Shadow Hawk~*~

           2/25/03