"Argh." I hammer the safety net with my fists in frustration. By now I'm
not afraid of falling anymore. In fact I'm getting used to it. But I
can't get used to this new equipment. Either I estimate the gap to be
bigger, or smaller than it really is. This is the fifth time that I have
fallen today.
"You'll get it soon Sienne." Polly says, helping me back up the ladder. "You just have to relax."
"I'm trying." I say, taking hold of the bar and taking a deep breath. I swing out and start counting in my head. Five, four, three, two, one.I let go of the bar, somersault and reach out to grab the second bar. My fingers brush the cold metal but slip. I don't even scream as I plummet to the ground. But when the net catches me I cry out in frustration again. "I can't do it!" I cry.
I can actually feel tears streaming down my face now. I'm so irritated. I know what I'm doing wrong, but I'm just in the wrong frame of mind now. I can't focus anymore. I make my way to the edge of the net on my own and instantly feel Chip sit on my shoulder. He seems confused at my tears because I feel him wipe at my damp face with his paw and then lick my salty tears.
"You can do it." Paul says from high above me. "Just one more try."
"I can't!" I shout. "I'll never do it. I may as well give in now. I was so stupid to think that I could ever make it as an acrobat when I'm blind."
I stalk out of the tent before Paul or Polly can stop me. I know the way back to my caravan and I'm glad that no one tries to stop me as I walk across the field. Chip is whispering softly in my ear but I ignore him. I climb into the van and collapse on my bed. I let my tears flow again, soaking the pillow. Chip sits by my head, occasionally tapping my head inquisitively. But I ignore him. When I hear Polly come into the van I ignore her and pretend to be asleep.
Eventually I do fall asleep. I wake up to find that Polly and Paul are breathing peacefully near me. From the chirruping of the crickets and the silence of the campsite I can tell that it is nighttime. Night and day have no difference to me. Night is as dark as day, and day is as light as night to me. I get up and walk down the steps, out of my caravan. Chip doesn't wake up. I miss his presence on my shoulder but I don't want to disturb him from his sleep.
I find my way cautiously to a seat near the fire. Its warmth washes over me and I sit and contemplate my future. I can't prove to Catherine that I can be an acrobat, and without me Polly and Paul can't perform either. It will be my fault that I lose them their jobs. Maybe I can plead with Catherine to let them keep their jobs and I will just hang around the campsite. I could help to clean out the animal cages and be a washerwoman..
At that moment I realise that I am not alone. I can hear someone nearby. Fro their deep, steady breathing I can tell that they are asleep. I strain my ears, trying to detect where they are. I don't need to though, because at that moment the person begins to speak.
"We have to protect the Sanc Kingdom!"
I recognise the voice as Trowa's, but what is he doing near the fire? Shouldn't he be in bed? And whom is he talking to?
"Quatre, don't be so foolish! Heero, if you pull this lever the arm will become lighter. The OZ forces have arrived!"
"Trowa?" I ask, moving towards where I can hear his voice. He is definitely alone and talking in his sleep. I can sense him now. I kneel down near him. I put my hands out and find his arm. He's asleep and leaning against a tree. "Trowa?" I whisper again.
"No!" He shouts, sitting up a bit then falling back down calmly. "Heero, you have to realise the truth about what you feel for Relena. The Gundam pilots must not die yet. We must not die!"
I've heard enough. Whatever Trowa is saying, I doubt that he will want me to be listening. I take a deep breath and shake him by the shoulder. "Trowa." I say loudly. "Wake up."
He groans but he isn't shouting anymore. I give his shoulder one final shake and say "Trowa!" He wakes up. I can feel his breathing returning to normal. I sit back and listen intently.
"What?" He murmurs. "Sienne? What are you doing here? What happened?"
"You were dreaming." I say. "I heard you murmur something.indistinctly." I lie, not wanting Trowa to know that I was listening to him.
"But what are you doing up?" I can tell that Trowa is awake now. He shifts position and I think he is sitting up and looking at me. "It's the middle of the night and you should be in bed."
I refrain from retorting 'So should you!' Instead I gloss over this. "I couldn't sleep." I admit.
"Nerves?" Trowa asked.
"I'm worried. I can't do the trapeze." I say sadly. "I can't do it."
I feel Trowa stand up next to me. I remain sitting. I'm so absorbed in my own thoughts that I don't notice him put his hand down to me. "Come on." He says, tapping my shoulder. He takes my hand and gently helps me up. He doesn't let go of my hand either. Instead he begins to lead me forwards slowly.
"Where are we going?" I ask.
"The circus tent." He replies. He must feel me flinch because he stops and says. "You have to trust me."
Hasn't he ever realised that when you tell someone that they have to trust you then they immediately begin to doubt you? Obviously not, because he is still leading me on, despite my protests. "Why?" I ask eventually.
"Because I know that you can do it if you try." Trowa replies.
I feel anger swell inside me. "Do you think that I haven't been trying?" I ask hotly. "I have been trying all day but all I have succeeded in doing is becoming better acquainted with the safety net.
I feel my voice change as we enter the tent. It feels so vast and empty and my feet just freeze on the spot. "Come and sit down." Trowa says. Leading me to one of the seats in the stands and making me sit down. "Now, lets think back a bit. To the day when I came and saw you perform at the other circus. You were fine on that trapeze."
"Because I knew that I could do it." I say.
"So this is just a confidence thing." Trowa says triumphantly.
"No, it's more than that." I hear myself saying. "It goes far deeper than confidence. I don't understand what is going wrong. Paul and Polly are telling me exactly when to release but I'm still not doing it."
"Can I ask a question?" Trowa says, but continues before I can say anything. "It fascinates me how anyone who is blind could even attempt a trapeze act. How did you first learn to do it?"
"I started as an acrobat before I lost my sight." I say glumly.
"And when you did, you carried on as an acrobat. Do you remember how you did that?"
I don't understand. I don't want to have my past dug up and laid before me. Grudgingly I silence any reply.
"Because it strikes me as strange that someone who overcame the fact that they now couldn't see what they were doing still managed to carry on." Trowa says. I bristle with indignation. He is so rude! "For example, how can you tell when someone comes up behind you?"
"I can hear them." I say.
"But then with some people you know who they are before they even speak." He continues. "Like with your Aunt and Uncle. You seem to sense who is there before they even speak."
"I can't explain it." I say angrily. "How can I explain all this to someone who doesn't even know what I'm going through? You have no idea what it is like for me."
I feel Trowa back off slightly. "I'm not trying to berate you." He says. "Don't you see what I'm getting at? You learned to survive without sight because you relied on your other sense. It seems to me that after you lost your sight you would have had a difficult time getting used to being an acrobat without sight."
"So?" I ask hotly.
"So, you must have got through that by using your other sense. When you got used to your trapeze and knew what to do off by heart you switched into autopilot. Your senses that you used to help you to still be an acrobat became dormant. In my opinion all you have to do is reawaken them."
I vaguely understand what he is saying. Suddenly I remember the first time I tried to be a blind acrobat. A sensation in my mind that told me everything. It was so long forgotten I could barely describe it. But it was like a sixth sense that told me things that I missed because I was blind. I used this 'impulse' to help me to become an acrobat again. But I hadn't used it for so long that I had forgotten how, which was probably why I couldn't do anything on the trapeze today. I have let myself switch off and do everything automatically or let others do it for me.
"You understand." Trowa says. I nod and stand up.
"I'm going to have another try." I say.
Trying to reawaken my sixth sense I refuse help to climb the ladder or find the trapeze bar. I hear Trowa on the other podium. "Ready?" He asks. He is going to send the other bar out to me when I jump. I nod and hold my breath. I'm trying to listen out to hear things that I haven't heard for nearly ten years. I'm attempting to feel something that I haven't felt for a decade. I'm trying to taste and smell something that I have long forgotten.
I jump. I feel the wind whistle past me but I resist the urge to let go. I'm searching for something within me. It's surfacing. I can feel it growing inside me. Too late. I'm swinging back and I've missed my chance. But now I feel something different. I can feel Trowa's disappointment even though he hasn't said anything. I can sense the podium clearly. Suddenly I feel as if I have finally come into my body. I'm aware of my feet now planted firmly on the podium. Of my hands wrapped around the bar. It's as if I can 'see' again.
"Once more." I call to Trowa. Except my voice sounds different. I jump and the wind rushes through my ears, but the sound that I hear is whispering to me. I can see the bar coming towards from the other side. I can see it in my mind. I release the bar and somersault in mid air, aware for the first time of how great the distance between the ground and me is. I feel my stomach turn as I do. Even before I touch the other bar I can feel it's cold metal surface on my hands. As my fingers wrap around it I can already sense the ever-diminishing gap between myself and the other podium. I know exactly where Trowa is standing, even though he hasn't said a word.
I land next to him and feel his arm support me even before he has touched me. It's like I'm sensing everything around me for the first time. I exhale slowly and can actually taste the air rushing out of my lungs. It's as if I have awakened my dormant senses and I have returned to how I was just after the accident, when my sense were working overtime to compensate for my blindness.
"You did it!" I hear Trowa say next to me. I let go of the bar and put my hand out to where I know there is a pole.
"This is amazing." I whisper. I feel like I have been possessed by something. I put both hands on the pole and swing around it. I feel my stomach surge as my feet fly over the immense space between the ground and me. I can even tell that the ground below me isn't netted. I land again on the platform and make to swing around again, but Trowa catches my arm.
"Stop it!" He says, and I can sense panic in his voice.
"Did I scare you?" I ask playfully. I wasn't expecting his answer.
"Yes." I stop laughing. I can't think of a reply. I climb down the ladder and feel solid ground beneath my feet. Trowa alights next to me and we silently walk out of the tent. I don't need him to guide me this time. I can feel when something is in my path. I think Trowa has noticed this too. When we reach the fire we stop. "Thank you." I say, looking towards where I hope Trowa is standing.
"It was all you." He says. "I only started everything."
I can feel him walking away. I want so badly to ask him what he was dreaming about. I long to ask him to tell me about his dreams. I need him to confide in me now. But I just let him go. I climb into my caravan and slip into bed without anyone noticing that I even left.
"You'll get it soon Sienne." Polly says, helping me back up the ladder. "You just have to relax."
"I'm trying." I say, taking hold of the bar and taking a deep breath. I swing out and start counting in my head. Five, four, three, two, one.I let go of the bar, somersault and reach out to grab the second bar. My fingers brush the cold metal but slip. I don't even scream as I plummet to the ground. But when the net catches me I cry out in frustration again. "I can't do it!" I cry.
I can actually feel tears streaming down my face now. I'm so irritated. I know what I'm doing wrong, but I'm just in the wrong frame of mind now. I can't focus anymore. I make my way to the edge of the net on my own and instantly feel Chip sit on my shoulder. He seems confused at my tears because I feel him wipe at my damp face with his paw and then lick my salty tears.
"You can do it." Paul says from high above me. "Just one more try."
"I can't!" I shout. "I'll never do it. I may as well give in now. I was so stupid to think that I could ever make it as an acrobat when I'm blind."
I stalk out of the tent before Paul or Polly can stop me. I know the way back to my caravan and I'm glad that no one tries to stop me as I walk across the field. Chip is whispering softly in my ear but I ignore him. I climb into the van and collapse on my bed. I let my tears flow again, soaking the pillow. Chip sits by my head, occasionally tapping my head inquisitively. But I ignore him. When I hear Polly come into the van I ignore her and pretend to be asleep.
Eventually I do fall asleep. I wake up to find that Polly and Paul are breathing peacefully near me. From the chirruping of the crickets and the silence of the campsite I can tell that it is nighttime. Night and day have no difference to me. Night is as dark as day, and day is as light as night to me. I get up and walk down the steps, out of my caravan. Chip doesn't wake up. I miss his presence on my shoulder but I don't want to disturb him from his sleep.
I find my way cautiously to a seat near the fire. Its warmth washes over me and I sit and contemplate my future. I can't prove to Catherine that I can be an acrobat, and without me Polly and Paul can't perform either. It will be my fault that I lose them their jobs. Maybe I can plead with Catherine to let them keep their jobs and I will just hang around the campsite. I could help to clean out the animal cages and be a washerwoman..
At that moment I realise that I am not alone. I can hear someone nearby. Fro their deep, steady breathing I can tell that they are asleep. I strain my ears, trying to detect where they are. I don't need to though, because at that moment the person begins to speak.
"We have to protect the Sanc Kingdom!"
I recognise the voice as Trowa's, but what is he doing near the fire? Shouldn't he be in bed? And whom is he talking to?
"Quatre, don't be so foolish! Heero, if you pull this lever the arm will become lighter. The OZ forces have arrived!"
"Trowa?" I ask, moving towards where I can hear his voice. He is definitely alone and talking in his sleep. I can sense him now. I kneel down near him. I put my hands out and find his arm. He's asleep and leaning against a tree. "Trowa?" I whisper again.
"No!" He shouts, sitting up a bit then falling back down calmly. "Heero, you have to realise the truth about what you feel for Relena. The Gundam pilots must not die yet. We must not die!"
I've heard enough. Whatever Trowa is saying, I doubt that he will want me to be listening. I take a deep breath and shake him by the shoulder. "Trowa." I say loudly. "Wake up."
He groans but he isn't shouting anymore. I give his shoulder one final shake and say "Trowa!" He wakes up. I can feel his breathing returning to normal. I sit back and listen intently.
"What?" He murmurs. "Sienne? What are you doing here? What happened?"
"You were dreaming." I say. "I heard you murmur something.indistinctly." I lie, not wanting Trowa to know that I was listening to him.
"But what are you doing up?" I can tell that Trowa is awake now. He shifts position and I think he is sitting up and looking at me. "It's the middle of the night and you should be in bed."
I refrain from retorting 'So should you!' Instead I gloss over this. "I couldn't sleep." I admit.
"Nerves?" Trowa asked.
"I'm worried. I can't do the trapeze." I say sadly. "I can't do it."
I feel Trowa stand up next to me. I remain sitting. I'm so absorbed in my own thoughts that I don't notice him put his hand down to me. "Come on." He says, tapping my shoulder. He takes my hand and gently helps me up. He doesn't let go of my hand either. Instead he begins to lead me forwards slowly.
"Where are we going?" I ask.
"The circus tent." He replies. He must feel me flinch because he stops and says. "You have to trust me."
Hasn't he ever realised that when you tell someone that they have to trust you then they immediately begin to doubt you? Obviously not, because he is still leading me on, despite my protests. "Why?" I ask eventually.
"Because I know that you can do it if you try." Trowa replies.
I feel anger swell inside me. "Do you think that I haven't been trying?" I ask hotly. "I have been trying all day but all I have succeeded in doing is becoming better acquainted with the safety net.
I feel my voice change as we enter the tent. It feels so vast and empty and my feet just freeze on the spot. "Come and sit down." Trowa says. Leading me to one of the seats in the stands and making me sit down. "Now, lets think back a bit. To the day when I came and saw you perform at the other circus. You were fine on that trapeze."
"Because I knew that I could do it." I say.
"So this is just a confidence thing." Trowa says triumphantly.
"No, it's more than that." I hear myself saying. "It goes far deeper than confidence. I don't understand what is going wrong. Paul and Polly are telling me exactly when to release but I'm still not doing it."
"Can I ask a question?" Trowa says, but continues before I can say anything. "It fascinates me how anyone who is blind could even attempt a trapeze act. How did you first learn to do it?"
"I started as an acrobat before I lost my sight." I say glumly.
"And when you did, you carried on as an acrobat. Do you remember how you did that?"
I don't understand. I don't want to have my past dug up and laid before me. Grudgingly I silence any reply.
"Because it strikes me as strange that someone who overcame the fact that they now couldn't see what they were doing still managed to carry on." Trowa says. I bristle with indignation. He is so rude! "For example, how can you tell when someone comes up behind you?"
"I can hear them." I say.
"But then with some people you know who they are before they even speak." He continues. "Like with your Aunt and Uncle. You seem to sense who is there before they even speak."
"I can't explain it." I say angrily. "How can I explain all this to someone who doesn't even know what I'm going through? You have no idea what it is like for me."
I feel Trowa back off slightly. "I'm not trying to berate you." He says. "Don't you see what I'm getting at? You learned to survive without sight because you relied on your other sense. It seems to me that after you lost your sight you would have had a difficult time getting used to being an acrobat without sight."
"So?" I ask hotly.
"So, you must have got through that by using your other sense. When you got used to your trapeze and knew what to do off by heart you switched into autopilot. Your senses that you used to help you to still be an acrobat became dormant. In my opinion all you have to do is reawaken them."
I vaguely understand what he is saying. Suddenly I remember the first time I tried to be a blind acrobat. A sensation in my mind that told me everything. It was so long forgotten I could barely describe it. But it was like a sixth sense that told me things that I missed because I was blind. I used this 'impulse' to help me to become an acrobat again. But I hadn't used it for so long that I had forgotten how, which was probably why I couldn't do anything on the trapeze today. I have let myself switch off and do everything automatically or let others do it for me.
"You understand." Trowa says. I nod and stand up.
"I'm going to have another try." I say.
Trying to reawaken my sixth sense I refuse help to climb the ladder or find the trapeze bar. I hear Trowa on the other podium. "Ready?" He asks. He is going to send the other bar out to me when I jump. I nod and hold my breath. I'm trying to listen out to hear things that I haven't heard for nearly ten years. I'm attempting to feel something that I haven't felt for a decade. I'm trying to taste and smell something that I have long forgotten.
I jump. I feel the wind whistle past me but I resist the urge to let go. I'm searching for something within me. It's surfacing. I can feel it growing inside me. Too late. I'm swinging back and I've missed my chance. But now I feel something different. I can feel Trowa's disappointment even though he hasn't said anything. I can sense the podium clearly. Suddenly I feel as if I have finally come into my body. I'm aware of my feet now planted firmly on the podium. Of my hands wrapped around the bar. It's as if I can 'see' again.
"Once more." I call to Trowa. Except my voice sounds different. I jump and the wind rushes through my ears, but the sound that I hear is whispering to me. I can see the bar coming towards from the other side. I can see it in my mind. I release the bar and somersault in mid air, aware for the first time of how great the distance between the ground and me is. I feel my stomach turn as I do. Even before I touch the other bar I can feel it's cold metal surface on my hands. As my fingers wrap around it I can already sense the ever-diminishing gap between myself and the other podium. I know exactly where Trowa is standing, even though he hasn't said a word.
I land next to him and feel his arm support me even before he has touched me. It's like I'm sensing everything around me for the first time. I exhale slowly and can actually taste the air rushing out of my lungs. It's as if I have awakened my dormant senses and I have returned to how I was just after the accident, when my sense were working overtime to compensate for my blindness.
"You did it!" I hear Trowa say next to me. I let go of the bar and put my hand out to where I know there is a pole.
"This is amazing." I whisper. I feel like I have been possessed by something. I put both hands on the pole and swing around it. I feel my stomach surge as my feet fly over the immense space between the ground and me. I can even tell that the ground below me isn't netted. I land again on the platform and make to swing around again, but Trowa catches my arm.
"Stop it!" He says, and I can sense panic in his voice.
"Did I scare you?" I ask playfully. I wasn't expecting his answer.
"Yes." I stop laughing. I can't think of a reply. I climb down the ladder and feel solid ground beneath my feet. Trowa alights next to me and we silently walk out of the tent. I don't need him to guide me this time. I can feel when something is in my path. I think Trowa has noticed this too. When we reach the fire we stop. "Thank you." I say, looking towards where I hope Trowa is standing.
"It was all you." He says. "I only started everything."
I can feel him walking away. I want so badly to ask him what he was dreaming about. I long to ask him to tell me about his dreams. I need him to confide in me now. But I just let him go. I climb into my caravan and slip into bed without anyone noticing that I even left.