1: ALL THAT JAZZ
SCENE: A dark stage.
(A Master of Ceremonies, Ludo Bagman, swaggers onto the stage and takes his place in the center)
Ludo: (points a wand at his throat) Sonorus! (his voice is now magically magnified) Welcome, wizards and witches. You are about to see a story of murder, greed, corruption, violence, exploitation, cheating, treachery…magic, charms, curses, potions, Quidditch, true love, miracles, hunky Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers…(grumbling from audience) Right! Right! All those things we all hold near and dear to our hearts. Thank You. (bows and swaggers offstage)
(Draco Malfoy struts onstage dressed in his usual Slytherin robes. He takes center stage as the piano starts to play and he tries to give the audience a sexy sort of glare, but can't quite pull it off because he's laughing too hard)
Malfoy: (sung) COME ON BABE, WHY DON'T WE PAINT THE TOWN? AND ALL THAT JAZZ. I'M GONNA ROUGE MY KNEES, AND ROLL MY STOCKINGS DOWN (makes a motion like he's putting deodorant on his knees and then rolling some pantyhose down, all the while with a pained and embarrassed expression on his face) AND ALL THAT JAZZ! START THE CAR, I KNOW A WHOOPEE SPOT, WHERE THE GIN IS COLD, BUT THE PIANA'S HOT! (tries to shake his non-existent boobs in a sexy fashion, scowling, and fails) IT'S JUST A NOISY HALL WHERE THERE'S A NIGHTLY BRAWL, AND ALL (he motions to his right, where a light comes up on two long tables, where Slytherin and Ravenclaw students are seated) THAT (he motions to his left, and the Hufflepuff and Gryffindor tables light up) JAZZ!
(During a brief musical interlude, the students all stand and take off their robes to reveal themselves to be clothed in various tight, black outfits. As they begin to walk forward, Draco peels off his robes, self-confident at last, revealing his black tank top and hotpants. (woohoo!) He motions two Slytherin girls forward and they take up positions on both his sides. They fawn over him.)
Malfoy: (takes one girl on his arm, she simpers) SLICK YOUR HAIR AND WEAR YOUR BUCKLE SHOES (grins at the girl while other one pouts) AND ALL THAT JAZZ! (he pushes the first girl away and takes the other one on his arm. She giggles at girl one, who glares at Draco and walks off) I HEAR THAT FATHER DIP IS GONNA BLOW THE BLUES (dips the girl slowly) AND ALL THAT JAZZ! ( He drops the girl in mid dip, grinning evilly. She gets up and stomps angrily off. Another girl runs up to take her place) HOLD ON HUN, WE'RE GONNA BUNNY HUG (He hugs the third girl from behind and rocks her back and forth to the beat of the song) I BOUGHT SOME ASPIRIN DOWN AT UNITED DRUG (The girl looks confused. She's never heard of aspirin or United Drug, just potions and apothecaries.) IN CASE YOU SHAKE APART, AND WANT A BRAND NEW START TO DO (spins girl one way) THAT (spins her the other way)
All Students: JAZZ!
(Malfoy lets go of the girl and she spins offstage. The students move up close behind Draco, who seems to be enjoying the attention)
Random Gryffindor Kid: Skidoo!
Malfoy: AND ALL THAT JAZZ!
Random Ravenclaw: Hotcha!
Random Hufflepuff: Whoopee!
Malfoy: AND ALL THAT JAZZ
All Students: (move downstage along with Malfoy) Ha! Ha! Ha!
Malfoy: IT'S JUST A NOISY HALL WHERE THERE'S A NIGHTLY BRAWL, AND ALL (students stomp left legs) THAT (students stomp right legs) JAZZ!
(The scene briefly switches to the entrance of Gryffindor Tower, as Harry Potter stands dumbly in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady, wracking his brains to remember the password. He is either under the Imperius Curse, or drunk. He clutches an old diary under his arm, and off to his side stands the translucent figure of Tom Riddle.)
Tom: (as eyes dart around furtively) Listen, uh, your dorm mates aren't home, are they?
(Harry shakes his head 'no', then twists his mouth in thought and scratches his head at the portrait. The scene switches back to Malfoy, who stands with his arms crossed, looking smug.)
Malfoy: No, his dorm mates are not at home. (all students laugh as he begins to sing again) FIND A FLASK. WE'RE PLAYING FAST AND LOOSE (pulls a potion vial out of a pocket and waves it tauntingly at the audience) AND ALL THAT JAZZ! RIGHT UP HERE IS WHERE I STORE THE JUICE (tosses vial into the audience) AND ALL THAT JAZZ! (other students surround him and lift him up) COME ON BABE, WE'RE GONNA BRUSH THE SKY. I BETCHA CHARLIE WEASLY NEVER FLEW SO HIGH. CAUSE IN THE STRATOSPHERE HOW COULD HE LEND AND EAR TO ALL (students place him down) THAT (students back up) JAZZ!
All Students: (waving arms and stomping) OH, YOU'RE GONNA SEE BISHOUNEN SHIMMY SHAKE!
Malfoy: AND ALL THAT JAZZ!
Students: OH, HE'S GONNA SHIMMY TILL HIS GARTERS BREAK!
Malfoy: (gets a WTF look on his face) AND ALL THAT JAZZ!?
Students: SHOW HIM WHERE TO PARK HIS GIRDLE (Malfoy turns slightly green) OH, HIS MOTHER'S BLOOD'D CURDLE IF SHE'D HEAR HER BABY'S QUEER FOR…
Malfoy: (majorly weirded out) ALL THAT JAZZ!
(Malfoy begins some very sexy dancing. The students look like they want to join in, but decide to beat up on students of other Houses in lieu of dancing, while proceeding to re-sing the "shimmy shake" chorus behind Malfoy's words.)
Malfoy: COME ON BABE, WHY DON'T WE PAINT THE TOWN? AND ALL THAT JAZZ!
Students: (pause in free-for-all) AND ALL THAT JAZZ! (resume fighting)
Malfoy: I'M GONNA ROUGE MY KNEES AND ROLL MY STOCKINGS DOWN. AND ALL THAT JAZZ!
Students: (another pause) AND ALL THAT JAZZ! (fighting resumes)
Malfoy: START THE CAR, I KNOW A WHOOPEE SPOT WHERE THE GIN IS COLD BUT THE PIANA'S HOT! IT'S JUST A NOISY HALL WHERE THERE'S A NIGHTLY BRAWL AND ALL (Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs freeze) THAT (Gryffindors and Slytherins freeze) JAZZ!
(The scene once again switches to the Gryffindor Tower, this time in the boys' dormitory. Harry is seated forlornly on his bed, clutching at the diary, whilst Tom Riddle brandishes Harry's own wand at Harry menacingly.)
Harry: (angrily) So that's final, huh Tom?
Tom: (grinning wickedly) 'Fraid so, Potter.
Harry: (slowly reaching into his pocket) Oh, Tom…
Students: (calling mockingly) Oh, Tom…
Tom: (looking suspicious) Yeah?
Harry: (yanks a basilisk fang out of his pocket and holds it over the diary) Nobody tries to kill me! (he stabs the diary)
Tom: (falls to the floor, starting the disintegrate) Potter…
Harry: (pissed and desperate) Don't you "Potter" me! (stabs the diary again, until Tom completely vanishes, destroyed. Harry drops the diary on the floor and stares at it for a few moments as ink runs all over the carpeting. Then reality dawns on him.) Ooooh! IT WASN'T MEEEEEEEEEEE! (he runs off)
(Scene switches back to Malfoy, who dances, while students proceed to beat each other to crap again.)
Malfoy: (belting) NO, AIN'T GOT NO WIFE BUT, OH, I LOVE MY LIFE AND AAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL
THAAAAAAAAAT
JAAAAAAAAAAZ!
(holds his hands up high and finally, all the others stop roughhousing and join him)
All: THAT JAZZ!
(They bow their heads. The lights go down.)
End of Part 1
Next time: Funny Honey
Read, Review, and Enjoy! G'night folks!