2: FUNNY HONEY
Author's Notes: In the words of Velma Kelly, "Okay, the first part's shit. But the second part is really nifty." Or not. I suppose I should've warned people that this fic will contain bashing and OOC behavior for any and every character. To the point of being disturbing. But now I have.
And at least I have one fan! :-P And on that note…
Scene: The boys' dormitory of the Gryffindor Tower, three hours later.
(Ginny Weasley is seated on Harry's bed, nervously wringing her hands. Professor McGonagall stands sternly over her and is quickly scribbling on a piece of parchment with a quill. The dead diary lies between them on the floor in a pool of ink. Harry stares out of the nearby window as though in a daze, and doesn't seem to be hearing what is going on behind him.)
Ginny: So I…took the basilisk fang and…I stabbed the diary.
McGonagall: (as she writes, peering over her spectacles) I see, Miss Weasley. And Mr. Potter was in no way involved?
Ginny: (sweatdropping) That's right, Professor. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
McGonagall: (shakes head) He frequently is. (finishes writing) You swear this to be the truth?
Ginny: (gulps) Freely and gladly.
McGonagall: (sternly) Well, aren't you the cheerful little delinquent?
Ginny: (does a double take) D-delinquent? B-but Professor I…
McGonagall: (interrupting) Are in possession of a cursed magical object that could have caused great harm to someone, possibly Potter….
Ginny: But I destroyed it! (hopeful) Don't people get rewarded for destroying dangerous magical objects?
McGonagall: (stern again) Not in this case Miss Weasley. Besides (gestures to the floor) we'll never get that ink stain out of the carpet. Here. (hands Ginny the parchment) It's a letter I wrote to your parents describing this…embarrassing debacle. You shall sign it, and then I'm afraid you will have detention.
Ginny: (takes McGonagall's quill and begins to sign, tears forming in her eyes) Freely and gladly, Professor, freely and gladly…
(Harry finally turns around, gives Ginny a sympathetic look, and then walks out of the scene, up to a spotlighted grand piano. He hoists himself up onto it, and sighs. Occasionally, he pulls out a flask and drinks from it, a la Mad Eye Moody. The dormitory scene goes on separately behind him.)
Bagman: (struts out) For his first number, Mr. Harry Potter would like to sing a song of love and devotion dedicated to his dear girlfriend, Ginny. (walks off)
(music starts, Harry sings)
Harry: SOMETIMES I'M RIGHT, SOMETIMES I'M WRONG (gestures to bloody stain on the floor)
BUT SHE DOESN'T CARE, SHE'LL STRING ALONG (gives Ginny a sappy look)
SHE LOVES ME SO, THAT FUNNY HONEY OF MINE!
(he takes a long drink from his flask, and hiccups)
SOMETIMES I'M DOWN (head flops onto his chest) SOMETIMES I'M UP (raises his head to reveal manic look on his face)
BUT SHE FOLLOWS 'ROUND LIKE SOME DROPPY-EYED PUP (lolls his tongue out)
SHE LOVES ME SO (rocks back on piano) THAT FUNNY HONEY OF MINE!
(he suddenly jumps up and throws his flask out into the darkness. A loud crash, and a screaming cat is heard)
SHE AIN'T NO SHIEK, THAT'S NO GREAT PHYSIQUE (points harshly at Ginny)
LORD KNOWS SHE AIN'T GOT THE SMARTS (the authoress runs by holding a large sign saying, "Don't flame me, Ginny fans!")
BUT LOOK AT THAT SOUL (he gets a sappy, adoring look on his face a he gestures to Ginny)
I TELL YA, THAT WHOLE IS A WHOLE LOT GREATER THAN THE SUM OF HER PARTS (winks at unseen audience)
AND IF YOU KNEW HER LIKE ME
I KNOW YOU'D AGREE
(the flask suddenly comes flying back at Harry, accompanied by several cat cusses, and bonks him on the head. He falls back down into a sitting position on the piano, looking dazed)
WHAT IF THE WORLD SLANDERED MY NAME? *hic*
WHY, SHE'D BE RIGHT THERE, TAKING THE BLAME (sways dangerously)
SHE LOVES ME SO, AND IT ALL SUITS ME FINE! (his eyes slowly begin to cross)
THAT FUNNY, SUNNY, HONEY GINNY OF MINE! (he sways backward and falls headfirst off the piano into the darkness. A cat screams again.)
(Back in the dormitory scene, Ginny is looking pleadingly at the professor as she hands her back the signed parchment.)
Ginny: A girl has got a right to protect her loved one's right?
McGonagall: (looks at her sharply) Of course….
Ginny: (with a sudden newfound vigor) Well, I came back from dinner, and I'd thought I'd check on Harry…because he came back before everyone else…said he was feeling sick…and when I came into his room I saw the ghost of that diary floating above his bed.
McGonagall: (impatient) Yes…
Ginny: (with a sweet smile) With Harry there sleeping like an angel….an angel!
Harry: (as he throws an arm over the piano to pull himself back up) SHE LOVES ME *hic* SO, THAT FUNNY HONEY OF MINE!
Ginny: I mean, suppose…just suppose…..he had been (wince) violated, or something. (looks nervously at Professor) You know, violated?
McGonagall: (sharply) I know what you mean.
Ginny:…or something. Think of how terrible that would've been. It's a good thing that I came to check on him, I'm telling ya that! (notices anxiously that McGonagall isn't paying attention, but stooping over the diary on the floor.) I said I'm telling ya that!
Harry: (precariously throws a leg over the piano and hoists himself up) SHE LOVES ME SO, THAT FUNNY HONEY OF MINE!
McGonagall: (looking in the diary's inside cover) Tom Marvolo Riddle.
(Harry suddenly jerks his head in their direction and stares intently at McGonagall.)
Ginny: (shocked) Tom Riddle? (standing up angrily and shouting) How could it be him? I threw that diary into a toilet ages ago! It was where….(suddenly, it dawns on her) where Harry was brewing that potion….
Harry: (snarling) LORD KNOWS SHE AIN'T GOT THE SMARTS!
Ginny: He lied to me!
McGonagall: You mean this mess was already here when you arrived?
Ginny: (lividly gesticulating) He was wiping up the ink with a sheet, and he was telling me this cock and bull story about a possessed book, and I ought to say I did it 'cause I was sure to get off! (Harry jumps up from his position on the piano and glares daggers at Ginny) Possessed, huh!
Harry: NOW SHE'S SHOT OFF HER TRAP (stamps foot) I CAN'T STAND THAT SAP!
Ginny: (clenching fists and trembling) And I believed him! That cheap little bastard! So he was playing with dark magic, huh?
Harry: LOOK AT HER GO, RATTIN' ON ME (gestures angrily to Ginny)
WITH JUST ONE MORE BRAIN WHAT A HALF-WIT SHE'D BE!
Ginny: Well, then, he can go to Azkaban for all I care! I'm working my rear off at school every freakin' day and he's up here munching on Chocolate Frogs and hexing things!
Harry: IF THEY STRING ME UP (resentfully shouts at Ginny) WELL I'LL KNOW WHO BOUGHT THE TWINE!
Ginny: This time he's pushed me too far! (punches the bedpost) That little git!
Harry: THAT SCUMMY (stomps) CRUMMY (stomps) DUMMY (grabs head and pulls on hair) GINNY OF MINE!
Ginny: Boy, what a sap I was!
(Harry launches himself off of the piano and jumps back into the dorm scene, ignoring the Professor and stomping right up to Ginny. He gets angrily in her face.)
Harry: (shouting) You double-crosser! You big blabber mouth! You said you'd stick! (suddenly looking sad) You promised you'd stick…I'm your boyfriend! How could you do this to me?
Ginny: (coldly) You've been stringin' me, Harry. You told me that was just some random dark object, and all the while you were up here conspiring with Tom Riddle!
Harry: You…(so mad he can't find words)…you…are…a disloyal girlfriend! (Ginny scoffs as he turns on McGonagall defiantly) I did it! Put that down in your records!
Ginny: That's right, Professor. He did it. I had nothing to do with it. (crosses arms and humphs at Harry)
McGonagall: (starts scribbling on parchment again) And now we get to the real story…
Harry: And you want to know why? He was tryin' to steal my life energy for himself! Thought he'd walk out on me! (snort) The louse!
McGonagall: That was disgraceful of you Potter. Playing around with dark magic and then blaming Miss Weasley for it when it gets you in a mess. Utterly disgraceful! (purses lips) They're liable to expel you for this infraction.
Harry: (does double take and gulps) E-expel me?
McGonagall: (stuffs parchment into her robes) Your ego doesn't seem so over-inflated now, does it Potter?
Harry: (offended) Ginny, did you hear what she said? (Ginny sticks her tongue out at him and walks stately out of the dorm) Son of a witch!
(McGonagall takes Harry's arm and begins to lead the struggling boy out of the dorm. Some house elves enter and begin to clean up the mess on the floor at the lights dim and wink out.)
End of Part II
Be happy Ginny fans, I let her get back at Harry for being such a meanie.
Many apologies to Harry/Ginny shippers.
Next Part:
The Cell Block Tango
Better start practicing your lines!
Pop, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipshitz…