3: CELL BLOCK TANGO
Author's Notes: Thanks to all those who reviewed! Now that I've graduated, I no longer have an excuse to procrastinate. Except for College! GYAH! I'd like to make a few shout outs before I begin.
Wonk: Oh yeah! You go! We should start a Harry Potter/Chicago fan club or something! God knows there are enough people who'd love to join!
Janalyn: Hope I spelled your name right. Another Wesley kid on ffnet. Scary, I'm tellin' ya! I got your review, even though it's not showing up. And just so you know, I've visited your work, and I'm quite impressed. You've got yourself a new fan! Your opinions on presenting certain male Harry Potter characters wrapped up in bows to certain female HP characters appeals to me somehow….
And to all those who are upset because they wanted to do a fic similar to this, don't fret. Go right ahead! There are already several out there, and as long as you're original and don't plagiarize you should feel free.
Ah yes, this Chapter is going to be disturbing again. And I was a bit liberal with the lyrics. And there is going to be one character from the Order of the Phoenix in this Chapter, but there will be no actual spoilers from that book. Thought I'd warn you! And on that note…..
Scene: the Hogwarts Dungeons
(Draco and five other people are seated in a row of chairs, situated just behind bars. The scene is lit with an eerie red light, and all six people are silhouetted. Bagman swaggers out.)
Bagman: And now, the six jolly juvenile delinquents of the Hogwarts Detention Dungeons in their rendition of the Cell Block Tango. (he walks importantly off as low percussion cues in)
First kid: POP
Second kid: SIX
Third…uh…person: SQUISH
Fourth kid: UH-UH
Draco: CICERO
Sixth kid: LIPSCHITZ
(the rhythm becomes faster)
First kid: POP
Second kid: SIX
Third person: SQUISH
Fourth kid: UH-UH
Draco: CICERO
Sixth kid: LIPSCHITZ
(the rhythm becomes even faster as the tango music cues up)
First kid: POP
Second kid: SIX
Third person: SQUISH
Fourth kid: UH-UH
Draco: CICERO
Sixth kid: LIPSCHITZ
First kid: POP
Second kid: SIX
Third person: SQUISH
Fourth kid: UH-UH
Draco: CICERO
Sixth kid: LIPSCHITZ
(All six kids stand up and begin banging the legs of their chairs on the ground to keep the beat)
All: HE HAD IT COMING! HE HAD IT COMING! HE ONLY HAD HIMSELF TO BLAME!
IF YOU'D HAVE BEEN THERE, IF YOU'D HAVE SEEN IT…
Draco: I BETCHA YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME!
First kid: POP
Second kid: SIX
Third person: SQUISH
Fourth kid: UH-UH
Draco: CICERO
Sixth kid: LIPSCHITZ
(music cues under, the first kid grabs his chair and rolls it through an opening in the bars and sits on it leisurely. A spotlight reveals him to be Oliver Wood. The others continue to sing the chorus quietly)
Wood: (in his cute accent) Ya know how people have these little habits that get ya down? Like Marcus Flint. (rolls eyes) Slytherin Quidditch captain. Flint liked to watch the Gryffindor team practice, and he would jeer at us the whole bloody time. Flint also liked to chew gum. No (eyes grow dark) not chew. POP. Well, I finish practicing with the team this one day and I am really irritated, and looking for a little sympathy. And there's Flint, lounging in the bleachers, drinkin' a butterbeer and chewin'. No, not chewin'. POPPIN'! So I said to him, "Hey Flint, you pop that bloody gum one more time..." (long pause, then a heavy sigh) And the little bugger did. So I opened the chest that holds the Quidditch balls and I let out two warning bludgers…. (with a happy shrug) into his head.
All: (stomping with chairs as Wood returns to original position) HE HAD IT COMING! HE HAD IT COMING! HE ONLY HAD HIMSELF TO BLAME!
IF YOU'D HAVE BEEN THERE, IF YOU'D HAVE HEARD IT, I BETCHA YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME!
(the other five continue under as kid 2, Pansy Parkinson, for the sake of variety, pulls her chair through the bars and plops down on it)
Pansy: I met Professor Trelawney from the divination tower about two years ago. She told me that I was her favorite student, and we hit it off right away. So we started having afternoon tea together. We'd have our lesson, I'd stay for lunch, I'd brew up some tea, we'd eat biscuits. Well, it was like heaven in an overly incensed room. (face grows dark and ugly) And then I found out. "Favorite student" she told me? Favorite, my ass! Not only did she have another teacher's pet…oh no…she had six. All of them Gryffindors (makes a yuck face) twittering, gossiping, swooning little Gryffindors! I suppose she liked the attention. She never did get that much. Anyway, that next afternoon, I made her tea, as usual…(pregnant pause, and then, with an evil smile) You know, some people just can't handle the Draught of the Living Dead.
All: (as Pansy returns to her spot) SHE HAD IT COMING (POP SIX SQUISH)
SHE HAD IT COMING (UH-UH CICERO LIPSCHITZ)
SHE TOOK A FINE MIND IN ITS PRIME
AND THEN SHE USED IT (POP)
AND SHE ABUSED IT (SIX)
IT WAS A MURDER BUT NOT A CRIME! (SQUISH UH-UH CICERO LIPSCHITZ)
(the third, rather short person, drags his chair forward with great effort as the others continue to recite "pop six squish etc" under. He climbs up onto the chair and is spotlighted to reveal Dobby the house elf, standing matter of factly with his bandaged hands on his hips)
Dobby: Now, Dobby is standing in his family's kitchen, carving up the chicken for dinner, minding his own business, when in storms his Master in a jealous rage. (imitates Lucius) "You've been screwing my wife," he says. Master was crazy, and he kept screaming, "You've been screwing my wife!" (holds hands behind his back and looks innocent) And then he ran into Dobby's knife. (his features suddenly become manic) He ran into Dobby's knife TEN TIMES!!!
All: (as Dobby happily drags his chair back) IF YOU'D HAVE BEEN THERE, IF YOU'D HAVE SEEN IT, I BETCHA YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME!
(the music suddenly changes to a beautiful but sad ethnic tune, as the fourth kid, Neville Longbottom, pulls his chair forward, sits on it, and starts to bawl)
Neville: AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
TREEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVOOOOOOORRRRRRRRR!!!!
*sniff* T-trevor g-g-got…s-s-s-s-tepped……. WAAAAAHAHHHHAAAAAHAAAHAAAAAA*hic*
(all the others look at Neville as though he just sprouted another head)
Dobby: But did you do it sir?
Neville: (sniffing, rubbing his nose) Uh-uh. (very slow and muffled) Not guilty!
(Neville slowly pulls his chair back, sobbing, and Draco passes him, giving him a nasty smile. He stands confidently outside the bars with his arms crossed as the others continue under behind him, swaying in their chairs)
Draco: (snooty) My father used to take me on expensive trips around the world (before Dobby got to him, that is), and my friends Crabbe and Goyle always followed me around for the ride. For fun we'd Imperio some Muggles into doing crazy acrobatic tricks for us; splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, one right after the other. Loads of fun! (clears throat) Well, this one night, father took us to Cicero, and the three us of were sitting up in a hotel room, hexing… and having a few laughs. And we ran out of cauldron cakes, so I went out to get some. I come back, open the door, and there's Crabbe and Goyle, doing Imperio trick number 17- (angry and grossed out) the spread eagle!
(others stop singing and do double takes)
Draco: I mean….I knew they were stupid….very stupid….especially after gorging themselves….and I'd heard of slash before… but…….GAH! (sticks out tongue and shudders) Well, I was in such a state of shock I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later (holds out hands) when I was washing the blood off my hands I even knew they were dead!
(sings) THEY HAD IT COMING (stomp) THEY HAD IT COMING (stomp)
THEY HAD IT COMING ALL ALONG (stomp stomp)
I DIDN'T DO IT (points to himself) BUT IF I'D DONE IT, HOW COULD YOU TELL ME THAT I WAS WRONG?
Draco and others: THEY HAD IT COMING (THEY HAD IT COMING)
THEY HAD IT COMING (THEY HAD IT COMING)
THEY HAD IT COMING ALL ALONG (THEY TOOK FINE MIND IN ITS PRIME)
I DIDN'T DO IT (AND THEN THEY USED IT)
BUT IF I'D DONE IT (AND THEY ABUSED IT)
HOW COULD YOU TELL ME THAT I WAS WRONG? (IT WAS A MURDER, BUT NOT A CRIME!)
(Draco drags his chair back as the sixth kid, Luna Lovegood, carries her chair out front)
Luna: (in a dazed and dreamy voice) I loved Adelbert Lipschitz, more than I can possibly say. (rocks back in her chair) He was a real artistic guy…sensitive…a painter. (sad smile) But he was troubled. He was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night looking for himself, and on the way he found, (ticks off names on her fingers dreamily) Ruth…Gladys…Rosemary…and Irving. (gives a happy shrug) I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive, (shrugs again) and I saw him dead.
All: (Wood, Pansy, and Dobby exit bars and join Luna) THE DIRTY BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM!
(Neville and Draco exit bars and join others) THE DIRTY BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM, BUM!
THEY HAD IT COMING! (stomp) THEY HAD IT COMING! (stomp)
THEY HAD IT COMING ALL ALONG! (stomp stomp)
'CAUSE IF THEY USED US, AND THEY ABUSED US, HOW COULD YOU TELL US THAT WE WERE WRONG?
THEY HAD IT COMING! (spotlights show on Wood and Pansy, who hold up a bludger and a poison vial respectively)
THEY HAD IT COMING! (spotlights show on Dobby holding a knife, and Neville, who shrugs)
THEY ONLY HAD THEMSELVES TO BLAME! (spotlights show on Draco holding a glowing wand, and Luna holding a noose)
IF YOU'D HAVE BEEN THERE, IF YOU'D HAVE SEEN IT
I BET THAT YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME!
(they back away into the opening in the bars, hiding their respective weapons behind their backs)
Wood: You pop that bloody gum one more time!
Pansy: Favorite, my ass!
Dobby: Ten times!
Neville: *sob* My toad…
Draco: Number seventeen- the spread eagle.
Luna: Artistic differences.
Wood: POP
Pansy: SIX
Dobby: SQUISH
Neville: UH-UH
Draco: CICERO
Luna: LIPSCHITZ
All: (grabbing onto bars) I BET THAT YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME!
(bars clank shut, lights die)
End of Part III
Next Part:
When You're Good to Mama (slightly redone)
I think you should prepare to be veeeeeery disgusted.