4: WHEN YOU'RE GOOD TO MAMA
Notes: As I said in the last chapter, and in the opening remarks, this song will be receiving the most blatant changes. At first I was planning on having Rita Skeeter sing this as "When You're Bad to Rita", however, I later decided to put her in a more fitting role. (and janmcneville probably has a damn good idea what that role is) I also considered casting Umbridge as Mama, because she seems to fit the physical description and seems the type of person who would take bribes if it were worth her while. But I want to keep the Order of the Phoenix references to a minimum, so those who haven't read it yet won't get confused. Besides, I needed to cast my favorite character as someone, and this role would do. So I warn you, the person who is cast as Mama will probably be MAJORLY OUT OF CHARACTER. Still, I shall try to keep the OCCness to a bare minimum.
For those who review, I love you. And now that I have seen Chicago live, be assured that every song in the play will be a part of this fic. Which includes MY OWN BEST FRIEND and CLASS. Fret not.
And on that note…
(the lights come back on in a very familiar dungeon where the delinquents, minus Draco, plus Harry, lounge around in various places, apparently quite bored. Bagman swaggers out unnoticed by the kids)
Bagman: And now, witches and wizards- the Keeper of the Keys, the Count of the Clink, the Master of the Detention Dungeon- Professor Severus Snape!
(The kids snap to attention as Snape swoops onstage looking very agitated, donning his "boggart outfit", the lacey green dress, fox fur scarf, vulture-topped hat, and red handbag. Bagman gallantly offers to take his scarf, but an angry Snape snarls at him and pushes him offstage into the audience. The kids glance at each other nervously as Snape assumes position center stage, legs apart, hands on hips, sneer on face.)
Snape: ASK ANY OF THE MORONS IN MY CLASS
THEY'LL TELL YOU I'M THE BIGGEST BLOODY…(kids lean in, in anticipation)…GIT. (kids show various signs of disappointment)
I HATE THEM ALL AND ALL OF THEM HATE ME! (considers a moment) 'Cept the Slytherins.
Pansy: Woohoo!
Snape: (glares at Pansy, who shrinks back) BECAUSE THE SYSTEM WORKS
THE SYSTEM CALLED "RECIPROCITY"…
(As cheesy music starts up Snape sweeps up to Dobby and Pansy, who are sitting on rickety stools. Both start looking very nervous as he poses next to them.)
Snape: (as a muscle twitches on his temple) GOT A LITTLE MOTTO
ALWAYS SEES ME THROUGH (he sneers down his hooked nose at a terrified Dobby)
WHEN YOU'RE GOOD TO SNAPEY, SNAPE WILL STILL SCREW YOU
(using his swinging red handbag Snape knocks Dobby off his stool, and then sits on the vacated spot next to a gratified looking Pansy.)
THERE'S A LOT OF FAVORS KIDS ASK ME DO (Snape awkwardly pats Pansy's shoulder while she simpers at him)
YOU DO ONE FOR SNAPEY, SNAPE WILL STILL SCREW YOU
(Snape suddenly shoves Pansy off her stool, and gives a brief smirk as though the act made him feel better. He stands back up and heads to center stage, swinging his bag)
THEY SAY THAT LIFE IS TIT FOR TAT, AND THAT'S ALRIGHT WITH ME
BUT EVEN IF YOU SUCK UP NICE, I'LL STILL GIVE YOU A "D"!
(Luna passes dreamily by, and Snape grabs her by her long blond hair)
DON'T YOU KNOW THAT THIS HAND WASHES THAT ONE TOO? (Snape pretends to wash his hands in Luna's hair, who yawns)
BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER; SNAPE WILL STILL SCREW YOU!
(Snape shoves Luna down on the floor just as Draco walks in holding an issue of the Daily Prophet. Luna yawns again, apparently not caring that she's on the floor. Snape pulls out his wand and zaps himself with it, changing his clothes back into his normal blacks robes just as Draco approaches him. He still retains his vulture-topped hat, however.)
Draco: Look at this, Professor. (holds up paper) The Prophet calls me the crime of the year. (reads from it in a mock voice) "Not in memory do we recall so fiendish and horrible a double homicide."
Snape: (smoothly) Well, Draco, you certainly couldn't buy that kind of publicity. You took care of me, and for once I actually didn't screw you over. I spoke with your… lawyer. (eye roll) he set your trial date for March the 5th. March 7th you'll be acquitted. And March 8th- do you know what I'm going to do for you? I'm going to reinstate you as a prefect.
Draco: Being a prefect is nothing new, Professor. What kind of grades are we talking about here?
Snape: (with a raised eyebrow) 'Tis a crazy world, Draco. Half of Hufflepuff House is working as my own personal housekeepers just so I'll give them a grade slightly better than "poor".
Draco: (interrupting) I said what kind of grades are we talking about here, Professor? (he leans in a bit too close to Snape, who gives him a dirty look. Draco backs away with his hands up in apology)
Snape: Well…(runs a long finger across his mouth) due to your recent sensational activities I think a grade between "Exceeds Expectations" and "Outstanding" should be sufficient.
(In the background, Harry loudly falls off of the stool he was occupying.)
Draco: (flabbergasted) An O! The most Crabbe, Goyle, and I ever got was an A.
Snape: That was before Cicero, before your lawyer, and before me.
Draco: (suggestively) You know Professor, I always wanted to go to Durmstrang. (eagerly, with stars in his eyes) Could you get me that?
Snape: Durmstrang? (smirking) Now that is another story. That might take another owl.
Draco: (nods knowingly) Uh, huh. And how much would that owl cost?
Snape: Come, now Draco! You know how I feel about you. (puts an arm around the boy's shoulders) You're my favorite.
Pansy: (angrily in the background) Favorite, my ass!
Snape: (pointedly ignoring her) You are by far the student with the most class in this entire school.
Harry: (shouting) You haven't bumped my grades up, and I killed Voldemort!
Snape: TEN POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! (turns back to a very scared looking Draco, and speaks in a much friendlier voice) You're like family to me- like my own. I'll do it 50 galleons.
Draco: (incredulous) Fifty galleons for a bloody owl? (resigned, hands Snape the money) You must use a lot of stamps, Professor. (struts off) Nice hat, by the way.
(Snape, looking mortified, turns around to see all of the delinquents present gawking at him and snickering.)
Snape: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!
(The students jump in their seats, or positions on the floor, and hurriedly go back to what they were doing. Snape zaps himself with his wand again, returning into his boggart outfit just as the song cues back up.)
Snape: IF YOU WANT GOOD GRADINGS, SPIFFY UP MY LOO
MAKE IT CLEAN FOR SNAPEY, SNAPE WILL STILL SCREW YOU
(He takes his hat off and holds it out to each delinquent in turn as he passes him or her. They grudgingly put money in.)
WHEN THEY PASS THAT BASKET FOLKS CONTRIBUTE TO
(He stops by Harry, who refuses to put anything in.)
YOU PUT IN FOR SNAPEY
HE'LL PUT OUT ZILCH FOR YOU (Snape whacks Harry off of his stool with his handbag and replaces his hat.)
THE FOLKS ATOP THE LADDER ARE THE ONES THE WORLD ADORES
(he walks over to Wood and Neville, who are both on a small ladder trying to reach Potions ingredients on a shelf. He leans menacingly on it.)
SO BOOST ME UP MY LADDER, KID
AND I WILL TOPPLE YOURS (topples the ladder, sending many bottles crashing down on Wood and Neville)
LET'S ALL STIR TOGETHER
(Snape moves over to a large bubbling cauldron and starts stirring it, at the same time beckoning the delinquents over.)
BUBBLE, BOIL, AND BREW (the delinquents all pick up ladles and start stirring along with Snape.)
WHEN YOUR STIRRING SNAPEY, SNAPE IS FAILING YOU! (Snape bolts just before the potion blows up in all of the kids' faces.)
SO WHAT'S THE ONE CONCLUSION I CAN BRING THIS NUMBER TO?
(assumes the position center stage as the students, now covered in green and purple boils, glare at him.)
UNLESS YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE
SNAPEY WILL SCREW YOU!
(the delinquents advance angrily on Snape from behind, and just as the lights go out they jump him. Some red flashes of light are seen, someone shouts "Bad Dobby!" and someone else shouts "Twenty points from Gryffindor!" as the scene ends.)
End of Part IV
Okay, maybe he wasn't all that out of character. God I love him!
Next Part:
A short, crappy scene and a tap dance.
The Part After That:
ALL I CARE ABOUT IS LOVE
Hopefully, who I cast as Billy Flynn's character will be a surprise. (but to tell the truth, you should see it coming.)