Flickering Souls

Chapter Fourteen: Signs and Misgivings

Damn it! Kurt chided himself mentally. Just minutes after pledging to be there for Rogue – for the rest of her life no less – and vat do I do?

I sleep through her kidnapping attempt.

Kurt let his eyes fall to the small stones that littered the walkway towards the back of the guesthouse.

Vat a perfect portrait of a guy in control.

He kicked the stones down the path and followed them as he walked.

The trees were naked and bare in the bright light of day and the bitter cold.

And Mezmero … gone. Kurt shook his head. He had always assumed that, one day, he would find his answers. Vhat exactly did he do to us?

He considered. Actually, da qvestion is … What did she do to me?

He paused where the road forked before him and he debated on which way to go. He really didn't care.

Arg! He thought. Why bother at all? He shook his head. He used to love the left path. It rolled over the grounds and let you see all of the estate in one circle.

The right path led to the lake and the equipment shed. He had whiled away many long evenings watching the waves in the sunlight. He had told his parents in a letter how much he had treasured it.

He looked at the forked path.

Both. He figured. Or neither. He smiled … But it slowly faded from his face.

I used to love them and now … I'm … just … indifferent.

He had a brief inner laugh. Indifference – the opposite of love!

Maybe that's how Mystique has survived so long … He wondered. Is she just indifferent to so much …

But another thought caught his attention.

Hate … and love … Indifference is the opposite of … BOTH!

He cast his eyes around. No one was obviously about so Kurt sat strait down on the path.

So love … and hate … they're like two sides … of the same thing.

Hate … He thought to himself. Hate is … Love, gone bad.

He had never seen it that way before.

But … He felt a powerful swell of emotion forming deep within him and he was afraid it might break him.

Rogue. He told himself, trying to cling to the memory of her for support. But it failed. He felt that he had failed her. That he should have been able to stop her, save her, or …

Ja. Anytime she needs someone to take a nap for her - I'm the guy for the job.

He glanced down at himself and then stood up, dusted off and with a sour expression, started off down the left path.

I can't believe Mystique! Selling Rogue out like that! And … He fished for the thought that voiced his emotional outrage. She's … She's even the favorite! He smiled to himself. He knew he could never share a joke like that with Rogue. She'd hit him and probably mean it.

Mom alvays deed like you best! He could hear himself saying and …

No … No … Hmmm … No.

Every way he imagined it … He got hit.

He shook off the smile and felt the sulk return as soon as Mystique's face came to his mind.

Someone really ought to watch that woman twenty four hours a day.

He sighed audibly to the cold and barren landscape.

Remember vhen …?

His face hardened at his thoughts. He didn't want to remember when.

'When' was a time when a note slid under his door and offered him answers. A time when he trusted her enough to go alone and ask for them.

He had been horrified when she pulled back her hood. But something inside him made him stay – and he knew exactly what that something was.

I thought … He bit back on the tears he felt coming. I thought she would love me.

He turned his eyes to the bleak and dreary heavens. Vhy didn't she love me? He asked. Why not just enough to try … to be a better person?

Love can remake people. Souls can be … He wanted to say 'saved'.

But if love can remake a person …Then so can hate. He admitted begrudgingly.

And he saw the truth in it. She was remade a long time ago.

He swallowed hard and bit down on the tears that would not come.

I need answers! He told himself harshly as he stared down distractedly.

Suddenly, his head swung up and he spoke to the sky. "Are you listening?" He asked.

Were you ever?

Kurt breathed a worried sigh.

"I need a sign." He said softly as he stared in to the clouds. "Because I am being tested." He nodded his understanding to the heavens. "And I vant only to be true to my heart." He found himself stroking his chest with his thick fingers.

"You're going to have to show me." He said. "Because I feel … that I am lost."

I'm certainly not helping anyone by being here …He reasoned, still hurting over Rogue's attack and his lack of response. Even when I vant to … He looked up again. Vith all my heart.

He bit his lip. And Xavier's bound to see through me sooner or later. He told himself truthfully. A guilty mask wont fool him forever. Jean maybe, but not Xavier. He probably already suspects …

Kurt shook it off. He hated paranoid thoughts.

And they seem to have each other now … He thought of Rogue and Scott and of seeing them sleeping together on the couch this morning, wrapped safely in each others arms after a night of police questions and abject denials.

Slowly and steadily Kurt traced the property on foot. He walked on ice, through snow and over the small wooden bridges that spanned the wetland area's around the lake.

Soon he found himself approaching the mansion. His cheeks were numb from the weather and his nose hurt from the cold.

The property had been still and quiet. Not a single living thing crossed his path and not a single noise from the outside world managed to reach him. He felt alone in a sterile and abandoned world.

Ach! He thought to God. Can you put my sign on channel four or somethink?

He looked up imploringly. I'm freezing out here.

And with that, he swallowed his embarrassment and headed inside.