PIE!
Disclaimer: Why did Gillette send me a razor? If they think I'll help them in their global domination, they are sadly mistaken.
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"STEWPD HLOW OWLZ RULZ 2 MUCH, SUXORZ!!!!11!" stated a rather stupid looking teen as he sprinted past through the clearing, and off into the woods. He carried a shovel, and wore a sports jersey that said "Stupid Hollow High Owls" on it.
Ickyboo shook his head in confusion, Nazbutt scratched his head, and Katrino spasmed and crapped herself.
"Let's just get to work," sighed Ickyboo.
They approached the large door on the front of the tree, and Ickyboo flung it open, exposing a small cavern inside. An axe was flung against the wall, next to a soiled mattress and several empty liquor bottles. The walls were a mass of graffiti and expended bubble gum, and the soil had been recently disturbed.
"Hmmmm," wondered Ickyboo. "It appears that this area has been recently disturbed."
"How can you tell?" sneered Nazbutt sarcastically, for which he was promptly slapped.
They all crossed the filthy love nest to the disturbed soil, and Ickyboo raised the shovel, which has not been mentioned before but that he was conveniently carrying. In fact, he had been carrying it off and on since the very beginning of this story. We just didn't mention it because we thought it might upset you.
When the sacred earth (hmmm?) had been removed from the hole, all that remained was a very large shoebox that must have been for boots or something.
"Wow, a very large shoebox that must have been for boots or something," commented Ickyboo.
"The narrator already said that," intoned Nazbutt, for which he was promptly slapped.
Ickyboo pried off the lid, revealing....
[The authors find it extremely necessary here to warn you that the following is extremely stupid, and contains scenes of extreme skull existence. We advise you to use extreme caution, and extremely not to read it to extreme children. Thank you extremely.]
...a skull! Skully Skull McSkullicle! It existed, and it was a skull! A skull was in the box! Not a femur, not a rib, no, a skull! A skull of which caliber there was no comparison, for it was a skull of great skullyness!
"Ah, a skull!" exclaimed Ickyboo. "But...what the hell?!"
The skull's magnificence had been tainted! Its beautiful white surface had been irreversibly marred! It was ruined! Wronged! Desecrated! A once wonderful skull had been brought into...ruin! Ruin! Ruin! Ruuuuin!!!!
[Okay. We'll extremely stop now.]
The skull had been plastered with makeup. Lipstick was smeared across the teeth and general mouth area as a banner of rebellion, in a red so bright as to make Frank Furter's lips look bland and uninteresting. Eye shadow presented itself as a formidable competition to the lipstick, coating the entire insides of both eye sockets in a blaze of shimmering peacock green. The nonexistent eyebrows of the skull were accented with lavish clumps of eyebrow pencil. Perfect 1-inch circles of blush stood out upon the cheekbones, and the entire thing had a base color reminiscent of Madam Cleo. Across the once-majestic forehead was scrawled "OWLZ R #1!" in Magic Marker.
"No they're not," contradicted Nazbutt.
"Eh?" asked Ickyboo.
"They haven't made a touchdown in five years, and most of them do more drugs than Katrino."
Both Ickyboo and Nazbutt looked over at Katrino, who was rubbing her face in the mattress, and chanting, "Funny smell, funny smell" over and over.
They shuddered.
"So...anyways..." continued Ickyboo. "If the skull is here, where is the body?"
"Maybe it was stolen, and is being used in a complicated spell to control the Headfull Horseguy in a violent manner," suggested Katrino.
"Shut the hell up," snapped Ickyboo. "Wait! I have an idea! Maybe the body was stolen, and is being used to control the Headfull Horseguy!"
"One beggar stealing from another," muttered Nazbutt, for which he was promptly slapped.
They went outside to search for more clues, which was fortunate, since the Headfull Horseguy and his horse chose that moment to burst from the side of the tree.
"Holy crap!" screeched Ickyboo, pointing at the ground. "That clover has five leaves!"
Nazbutt gave a disgusted, Kiff-esque sigh, and pointed out several recent events to Ickyboo.
"Oh," stuttered Ickyboo. "That tree must have a gateway to Hell in it. Or something. Let's look!"
He caught the waving branches of the tree before they could close, and yanked them open. He peered inside at Hell. Funny, Hell looked a lot like a kindergarten classroom.
"Hullo!!" bellowed a short-armed purple demon. "Will you be my special friend?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ickyboo slammed the branches down, as the mantra, "I love you, you love me...." rang out throughout the forest. The right hand of the monster strained out through the knot of bark, reaching for Ickyboo. Ickyboo grabbed his axe, and hacked at the thing furiously.
Yes, he had an axe, too, smartass. For the complete list of things he's carrying, please consult a local physician as to the largest amount of stuff a single person can carry.
Blue blood spurted from the stump of the arm, and the underdeveloped hand thrashed on the ground. Our trio ran for the woods as fast as they could go, and Ickyboo hopped on Footpowder, preferring to follow the Horseguy rather than stay in the clearing.
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Betsy Supermitten and her husband, Philip, sat at the kitchen table, enjoying a rare moment of peace, since Smiley was in the next room, lighting the cat on fire. Strange, creepy shapes were projected onto the walls as the flaming feline contorted in a dance of agony. Smiley watched the shadows, a childish smile playing on his innocent little lips.
The sound of a blazing kitty knocking things over and lighting them on fire came from the room Smiley was occupying, and Betsy sighed, and headed off through the door to try to preserve the house.
Without warning, the front door burst open, and the Horseguy burst in, just as she closed the door behind her. Philip leapt up, but his character was far too undeveloped for him to defend himself against the Horseguy long.
Betsy realized what was happening as Philip screamed away his last breath, and snatched up Smiley. She was determined to save her precious little angel by concealing him from the Horseguy, so she headed for the bathroom.
She jammed Smiley's head into the toilet, and attempted to push the rest of him down with the plunger, as she flushed repeatedly. His limp, lifeless legs jutted up out of the crapper as the Horseguy entered the room.
Betsy turned to face the killer, and was quickly cut down.
The Horseguy surveyed the room, and shook his head in disgust at Smiley's remains. Disdainfully, he used the plunger to push Smiley down the rest of the way, since no one likes a floater.
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Ickyboo entered town to see Broom alternately throwing money at a horse, and then slapping its ass in a gleeful, perverted way, as his new batch of four Oompa Loompa minions looked on.
"What the hell are you doing?!" objected Ickyboo.
"You can't spell horse without whore!" giggled Broom.
"Yes you can! You're just an idiot! Hey...whose horse is that?" gulped Ickyboo, suddenly feeling a knot of worry in his gutty wuts.
The Horseguy emerged from the flaming house of the midwife, a mere ten feet away, and stopped and stared in utter horror at the sight of his beloved steed being molested by a brash hick. Lifting his axe high, he approached menacingly.
"Oh, that just figures," groaned Ickyboo. "Stop pleasuring that horse and run, you jackass!"
"So you think you can come in to my town, kill all of my friends, and then get upset when I just try to have a little fun with your horse?!" railed Broom at the Horseguy.
"Oompa Loompa oompa dee dar! Killing townspeople is going too far! Beastuality isn't so bad, But murdering people makes everyone sad!" sang the Oompa Loompas.
"Oh, gack," uttered a semi-resigned Ickyboo. "I hate you all!"
An appalled Horseguy took this moment to lunge at Broom. Broom dodged, and grabbed one of his Oompa Loompa minions by its feet. He swung it upwards just as the Horseguy swung his axe downwards. The two weapons met with a mighty thud, and a sinking, sucking noise. Blood spurted everywhere, and the two fighters tugged back and forth at the mass of orange flesh and shining steel. Broom won the tug-of-war, but the slimy, slippery mess was too hard to hold on to, and it sailed off into the woods.
Meanwhile, Ickyboo cast about himself for his own instrument of death, and was fortunate enough to spy a conveniently placed chainsaw, sunk halfway into a ripe, mutilated goat carcass.
"It's not much, but it'll do," sighed Ickyboo, looking jealously at Broom and the Horseguy, who had each now picked up an Oompa Loompa, and were swinging them like pillows at a slumber party.
"Oompa Loomp-UG!" spasmed the Oompa Loompas, as they attempted to sing a song to convey that it was bad to use small, ugly men as bludgeons, and failed spectacularly.
The fourth Oompa Loompa had jumped down a hole, only to reemerge as a screaming blob of writhing rodents. You see, he had happened upon the nest of rare Brazilian flesh-eating gophers.
"EEEEEEEEE!" he screamed, and careened into Ickyboo.
Ickyboo, having just managed to start his chainsaw, stumbled forward, skewering the mannequin body of the Horseguy, who in turn fell forward and impaled Broom on the same weapon.
"Eeeuuww," moaned Ickyboo, and he stepped away from the great pile of corpses. Instantly, the two Oompa Loompas that had been used as weapons were dragged out from between the fallen combatants and off into the woods by a bear. There, the bear cocooned them, and used her proboscis to suck out their fluids at a later date.
[?!!!]
A drunken owl, meandering though the sky on his way home after work, had a cardiac arrest and fell on Ickyboo's head, knocking him unconscious.
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Yes, a bear.
Disclaimer: Why did Gillette send me a razor? If they think I'll help them in their global domination, they are sadly mistaken.
################################################################## ##################################################################
"STEWPD HLOW OWLZ RULZ 2 MUCH, SUXORZ!!!!11!" stated a rather stupid looking teen as he sprinted past through the clearing, and off into the woods. He carried a shovel, and wore a sports jersey that said "Stupid Hollow High Owls" on it.
Ickyboo shook his head in confusion, Nazbutt scratched his head, and Katrino spasmed and crapped herself.
"Let's just get to work," sighed Ickyboo.
They approached the large door on the front of the tree, and Ickyboo flung it open, exposing a small cavern inside. An axe was flung against the wall, next to a soiled mattress and several empty liquor bottles. The walls were a mass of graffiti and expended bubble gum, and the soil had been recently disturbed.
"Hmmmm," wondered Ickyboo. "It appears that this area has been recently disturbed."
"How can you tell?" sneered Nazbutt sarcastically, for which he was promptly slapped.
They all crossed the filthy love nest to the disturbed soil, and Ickyboo raised the shovel, which has not been mentioned before but that he was conveniently carrying. In fact, he had been carrying it off and on since the very beginning of this story. We just didn't mention it because we thought it might upset you.
When the sacred earth (hmmm?) had been removed from the hole, all that remained was a very large shoebox that must have been for boots or something.
"Wow, a very large shoebox that must have been for boots or something," commented Ickyboo.
"The narrator already said that," intoned Nazbutt, for which he was promptly slapped.
Ickyboo pried off the lid, revealing....
[The authors find it extremely necessary here to warn you that the following is extremely stupid, and contains scenes of extreme skull existence. We advise you to use extreme caution, and extremely not to read it to extreme children. Thank you extremely.]
...a skull! Skully Skull McSkullicle! It existed, and it was a skull! A skull was in the box! Not a femur, not a rib, no, a skull! A skull of which caliber there was no comparison, for it was a skull of great skullyness!
"Ah, a skull!" exclaimed Ickyboo. "But...what the hell?!"
The skull's magnificence had been tainted! Its beautiful white surface had been irreversibly marred! It was ruined! Wronged! Desecrated! A once wonderful skull had been brought into...ruin! Ruin! Ruin! Ruuuuin!!!!
[Okay. We'll extremely stop now.]
The skull had been plastered with makeup. Lipstick was smeared across the teeth and general mouth area as a banner of rebellion, in a red so bright as to make Frank Furter's lips look bland and uninteresting. Eye shadow presented itself as a formidable competition to the lipstick, coating the entire insides of both eye sockets in a blaze of shimmering peacock green. The nonexistent eyebrows of the skull were accented with lavish clumps of eyebrow pencil. Perfect 1-inch circles of blush stood out upon the cheekbones, and the entire thing had a base color reminiscent of Madam Cleo. Across the once-majestic forehead was scrawled "OWLZ R #1!" in Magic Marker.
"No they're not," contradicted Nazbutt.
"Eh?" asked Ickyboo.
"They haven't made a touchdown in five years, and most of them do more drugs than Katrino."
Both Ickyboo and Nazbutt looked over at Katrino, who was rubbing her face in the mattress, and chanting, "Funny smell, funny smell" over and over.
They shuddered.
"So...anyways..." continued Ickyboo. "If the skull is here, where is the body?"
"Maybe it was stolen, and is being used in a complicated spell to control the Headfull Horseguy in a violent manner," suggested Katrino.
"Shut the hell up," snapped Ickyboo. "Wait! I have an idea! Maybe the body was stolen, and is being used to control the Headfull Horseguy!"
"One beggar stealing from another," muttered Nazbutt, for which he was promptly slapped.
They went outside to search for more clues, which was fortunate, since the Headfull Horseguy and his horse chose that moment to burst from the side of the tree.
"Holy crap!" screeched Ickyboo, pointing at the ground. "That clover has five leaves!"
Nazbutt gave a disgusted, Kiff-esque sigh, and pointed out several recent events to Ickyboo.
"Oh," stuttered Ickyboo. "That tree must have a gateway to Hell in it. Or something. Let's look!"
He caught the waving branches of the tree before they could close, and yanked them open. He peered inside at Hell. Funny, Hell looked a lot like a kindergarten classroom.
"Hullo!!" bellowed a short-armed purple demon. "Will you be my special friend?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ickyboo slammed the branches down, as the mantra, "I love you, you love me...." rang out throughout the forest. The right hand of the monster strained out through the knot of bark, reaching for Ickyboo. Ickyboo grabbed his axe, and hacked at the thing furiously.
Yes, he had an axe, too, smartass. For the complete list of things he's carrying, please consult a local physician as to the largest amount of stuff a single person can carry.
Blue blood spurted from the stump of the arm, and the underdeveloped hand thrashed on the ground. Our trio ran for the woods as fast as they could go, and Ickyboo hopped on Footpowder, preferring to follow the Horseguy rather than stay in the clearing.
######################################################################
Betsy Supermitten and her husband, Philip, sat at the kitchen table, enjoying a rare moment of peace, since Smiley was in the next room, lighting the cat on fire. Strange, creepy shapes were projected onto the walls as the flaming feline contorted in a dance of agony. Smiley watched the shadows, a childish smile playing on his innocent little lips.
The sound of a blazing kitty knocking things over and lighting them on fire came from the room Smiley was occupying, and Betsy sighed, and headed off through the door to try to preserve the house.
Without warning, the front door burst open, and the Horseguy burst in, just as she closed the door behind her. Philip leapt up, but his character was far too undeveloped for him to defend himself against the Horseguy long.
Betsy realized what was happening as Philip screamed away his last breath, and snatched up Smiley. She was determined to save her precious little angel by concealing him from the Horseguy, so she headed for the bathroom.
She jammed Smiley's head into the toilet, and attempted to push the rest of him down with the plunger, as she flushed repeatedly. His limp, lifeless legs jutted up out of the crapper as the Horseguy entered the room.
Betsy turned to face the killer, and was quickly cut down.
The Horseguy surveyed the room, and shook his head in disgust at Smiley's remains. Disdainfully, he used the plunger to push Smiley down the rest of the way, since no one likes a floater.
##################################################################
Ickyboo entered town to see Broom alternately throwing money at a horse, and then slapping its ass in a gleeful, perverted way, as his new batch of four Oompa Loompa minions looked on.
"What the hell are you doing?!" objected Ickyboo.
"You can't spell horse without whore!" giggled Broom.
"Yes you can! You're just an idiot! Hey...whose horse is that?" gulped Ickyboo, suddenly feeling a knot of worry in his gutty wuts.
The Horseguy emerged from the flaming house of the midwife, a mere ten feet away, and stopped and stared in utter horror at the sight of his beloved steed being molested by a brash hick. Lifting his axe high, he approached menacingly.
"Oh, that just figures," groaned Ickyboo. "Stop pleasuring that horse and run, you jackass!"
"So you think you can come in to my town, kill all of my friends, and then get upset when I just try to have a little fun with your horse?!" railed Broom at the Horseguy.
"Oompa Loompa oompa dee dar! Killing townspeople is going too far! Beastuality isn't so bad, But murdering people makes everyone sad!" sang the Oompa Loompas.
"Oh, gack," uttered a semi-resigned Ickyboo. "I hate you all!"
An appalled Horseguy took this moment to lunge at Broom. Broom dodged, and grabbed one of his Oompa Loompa minions by its feet. He swung it upwards just as the Horseguy swung his axe downwards. The two weapons met with a mighty thud, and a sinking, sucking noise. Blood spurted everywhere, and the two fighters tugged back and forth at the mass of orange flesh and shining steel. Broom won the tug-of-war, but the slimy, slippery mess was too hard to hold on to, and it sailed off into the woods.
Meanwhile, Ickyboo cast about himself for his own instrument of death, and was fortunate enough to spy a conveniently placed chainsaw, sunk halfway into a ripe, mutilated goat carcass.
"It's not much, but it'll do," sighed Ickyboo, looking jealously at Broom and the Horseguy, who had each now picked up an Oompa Loompa, and were swinging them like pillows at a slumber party.
"Oompa Loomp-UG!" spasmed the Oompa Loompas, as they attempted to sing a song to convey that it was bad to use small, ugly men as bludgeons, and failed spectacularly.
The fourth Oompa Loompa had jumped down a hole, only to reemerge as a screaming blob of writhing rodents. You see, he had happened upon the nest of rare Brazilian flesh-eating gophers.
"EEEEEEEEE!" he screamed, and careened into Ickyboo.
Ickyboo, having just managed to start his chainsaw, stumbled forward, skewering the mannequin body of the Horseguy, who in turn fell forward and impaled Broom on the same weapon.
"Eeeuuww," moaned Ickyboo, and he stepped away from the great pile of corpses. Instantly, the two Oompa Loompas that had been used as weapons were dragged out from between the fallen combatants and off into the woods by a bear. There, the bear cocooned them, and used her proboscis to suck out their fluids at a later date.
[?!!!]
A drunken owl, meandering though the sky on his way home after work, had a cardiac arrest and fell on Ickyboo's head, knocking him unconscious.
################################################################### ###################################################################
Yes, a bear.