Another chapter this soon? You lucky, lucky person. Why are we still free
of beta readers?
Disclaimer: I am not the very model of a modern Major General.
###################################################################### ######################################################################
Ickyboo and Nazbutt stepped through the doorway and into the musty post office. Unfortunately, they forgot to open the door, and their entrance was detrimental to the physical condition of said door, and gave them splinters.
"Ow," stated Ickyboo.
"Ow," seconded Nazbutt.
"Hey, where's Stinky?" inquired Ickyboo.
"I have no idea...this is really strange. Normally, he never leaves," muttered Nazbutt.
"Boo!" exclaimed Stinky the Mailman, hopping out from behind the counter.
Nazbutt and Ickyboo stared.
"We're here to mail some letters," explained Ickyboo.
"Ah, yes," muttered Stinky, taking the letters and cramming them in a bag. "The delivery truck will come by sometime tomorrow."
"Thank you," said Ickyboo, and they started to leave.
"Wait!" cried the mailman. "I am scared of the Horseguy...will you help me hide from him?"
"Sure!" said Ickyboo eagerly.
Stinky walked over to a tiny cabinet on the wall. He opened it, and removed the government-issue fire extinguisher contained within.
"I would like to hide in here," he smiled.
"But...how will you fit?" asked Nazbutt.
"Ah," grinned Stinky, "That's where you come in. I have done the measurements, and I know I could fit, if only I did not have these accursed arms and legs. Here's a scimitar."
Nazbutt turned green, but Ickyboo gleefully accepted the proffered weapon. Within moments, Stinky's limbs had been hacked from his body, and lay strewn about the floor. The remaining torso and head, still alive and grinning, was hoisted into the cabinet, and the door was shut. A thick ribbon of blood oozed from the bottom of the door.
"A job well done," pronounced Ickyboo proudly.
Nazbutt threw up.
#####################################################################
Somewhere on the way home, Ickyboo suddenly stopped.
"I have found some evidence!" he shouted.
Nazbutt looked around, and could see no evidence of anything. He said so to Ickyboo, and Ickyboo laughed.
"Of course you would not see it! You are far too inexperienced! But there it is!" Ickyboo pointed at the stack of firewood in front of a random townsperson's house.
"Random my ass. I've lived here my whole life," muttered the townsperson. "Hell, I was even the mayor once!"
And, with that, he vanished from the story forever.
[Hey, don't look at us that way. He was being a pain in the ass.]
"That's just some firewood," lectured Nazbutt.
"Ah, but the Horseguy was a lumberjack in life, was he not?" explained Ickyboo. "That wood displays signs of having been chopped, and everyone knows that only a lumberjack can chop wood!"
Nazbutt considered objecting, but decided that it just wasn't worth the trouble.
"Now, grab some of that wood, so that I may examine it, and then send some back to my superiors, to prove once and for all that the Horseguy exists!" declared Ickyboo triumphantly
Nazbutt bit his tongue.
######################################################################
Ickyboo and Nazbutt arrived in Ickyboo's room, only to discover that Katrino was already there, staring blankly out the window and attempting to delay the effects of the angel dust she had recently administered to herself.
Ickyboo quickly crossed the room, and hid his evidence logs in a drawer of his dresser. Katrino took special notice of this, but did not say anything. Ickyboo gently led her out of the room, and shut the door behind her.
Ickyboo and Nazbutt sat down, and stared blankly at the floor.
After several minutes of such boredom, Ickyboo suddenly leapt up.
"I know!" he cried, "Let's hunt for treasure!"
Nazbutt gave him a skeptical look.
"Or I could just kick your ass," continued Ickyboo.
"I know!" suggested Nazbutt. "Let's hunt for treasure!"
The two searched the room moronically, overturning furniture and knickknacks. The search wound down as they reached the bed, and they both pulled it aside.
"Look!" exclaimed Ickyboo. "Something on the floor! It must be treasure!"
Nazbutt sighed and pushed the bed completely out of the way.
Upon seeing what was on the floor, both of the treasure hunters gasped.
On the floor, scrawled in blood, was a sinister sign. It consisted of a picture of a pot containing a boiling baby, and a smiling man raising a spoon to his lips. At the bottom of this illustration were the words "Yum Good Baby".
"It's a devil mark!" stated Nazbutt. "Do you know anyone who knows magic and wants to kill you?"
*FLASHBACK* "No. Our vacuum salesman," stated the man, indicating a bleeding pile of flesh in the corner. "We accidentally ran over him with a thresher."
"I see," said Ickyboo. *END FLASHBACK*
"Yes!" replied Ickyboo. "It must be Faltus!"
"Are you sure?" prodded Nazbutt.
"I told you not to prod me!" scolded Ickyboo, slapping Nazbutt.
########################################################################
That night, The Mystery Machine pulled into town, driven by Fred.
"Like, is there gunna be a guy dressed up as a scary monster?" wheezed Shaggy.
"I dunno, Shaggy," spouted Daphne. "But there is a mystery here!"
"Ruh roh! Ry roveruse reh retter R!" garbled Scooby incoherently. "Screwby doobee dooooo!"
"According to my calculations, we're about to run out of gas!" patronized Velma.
"Calm down, gang. I'm sure we can get some gas here in town." soothed Fred.
Just then, the van did run out of gas.
"Jinkies!" they all cried obnoxiously.
"Hey, Shaggy and Scooby, why don't you go and find a gas station?" spouted Daphne.
"But it's, like, dark!" wheezed Shaggy.
"Reah!" garbled Scooby incoherently.
"Just go!" patronized Velma.
"Like why do you always send me?" wheezed Shaggy. "I've proved time and time again that I'm, like, an incompetent coward!"
"Because we're lazy," soothed Fred, and Shaggy and Scooby were unceremoniously pitched out the side of the van.
Shaggy and Scooby wandered off into the dark woods, in search of the illusive gas station.
"Jinkies!" patronized Velma. "I found a gas can right here!"
"Let's all just wait for Shaggy and Scoob to come back, gang," soothed Fred.
########################################################################
Meanwhile, deep in the heart of the woods, Shaggy and Scooby came across Footpowder, who had been set loose by Ickyboo under the hope that maybe he would die.
"Wow, it's like a giant chicken, man!" wheezed the uneducated Shaggy.
Just then, the Horseguy burst from the woods on his mighty steed, cocktail dress billowing.
"Woa! It's, like, the scary monster!" wheezed Shaggy excitedly, as Scooby Doo jumped into his arms unrealistically. "Like, we'd better take this chicken to go!"
With that, Shaggy, still carrying Scooby, hopped onto the back of Footpowder, who burst off in the direction of the Mystery Machine, after just a few seconds of spinning.
As the van came into view, the Horseguy put on some speed and caught up to the ostrich riders. With one sweep of his axe, he cut off the heads of both Shaggy and Scooby. Their bodies tumbled to the ground, horrifying the watching Scooby cast members who were still in the van.
Fred gunned it, and spun the Mystery Machine in a wide arc, smashing into the side of the Horseguy, and killing his noble steed nearly instantly. The van bumped and jostled its way through the woods, until it hit a rock, rolled seven times, and flew over a cliff. The passengers all perished when it hit the pointy rocks 200 feet below.
The Horseguy mourned his horse for a split second, and ran off with the bodies.
A feminine but old hand reached down and grabbed Shaggy's head.
"This ought to prove useful," cackled the voice belonging to the owner of the hand, as Footpowder attempted to swallow Scooby's head, and slowly choked to death.
######################################################################
At the same time as the god-awful Scooby Doo reference went on, Ickyboo awoke to find his dresser drawer open and empty. With a gasp, he leapt out of bed, and ran down stairs.
In the main fireplace, Katrino was burning his logs. Faltus slept fitfully on the couch nearby, and as Ickyboo entered, Katrino threw the last piece of wood in.
"Why have you burned my wood eels?!" mourned Ickyboo. "Unless...you did this to protect your father, didn't you?!"
"Yes!" responded Katrino. "I was afraid he might catch cold!"
Ickyboo went back to bed resentfully.
########################################################################
The next morning, when Ickyboo came down for breakfast, Faltus and Lady Van Castle were already at the table, talking to one another.
"Did you hear?" moaned Lady Van Castle. "The mailman has died in the night. Apparently, someone cut off all his limbs and left him to bleed to death in a small cupboard!"
"Uh, yeah..." muttered Ickyboo. "That's really...terrible...."
"Oh," started Faltus, turning to Ickyboo. "Everyone in town has decided that you're evil and crazy. We're all holding a town meeting at the church tonight to speak out against you. You had probably better leave."
"I'll remember that," replied Ickyboo, not having even heard.
######################################################################## ########################################################################
Wow, a long(er) chapter! Probably not one of the best, but at least it was long!
Disclaimer: I am not the very model of a modern Major General.
###################################################################### ######################################################################
Ickyboo and Nazbutt stepped through the doorway and into the musty post office. Unfortunately, they forgot to open the door, and their entrance was detrimental to the physical condition of said door, and gave them splinters.
"Ow," stated Ickyboo.
"Ow," seconded Nazbutt.
"Hey, where's Stinky?" inquired Ickyboo.
"I have no idea...this is really strange. Normally, he never leaves," muttered Nazbutt.
"Boo!" exclaimed Stinky the Mailman, hopping out from behind the counter.
Nazbutt and Ickyboo stared.
"We're here to mail some letters," explained Ickyboo.
"Ah, yes," muttered Stinky, taking the letters and cramming them in a bag. "The delivery truck will come by sometime tomorrow."
"Thank you," said Ickyboo, and they started to leave.
"Wait!" cried the mailman. "I am scared of the Horseguy...will you help me hide from him?"
"Sure!" said Ickyboo eagerly.
Stinky walked over to a tiny cabinet on the wall. He opened it, and removed the government-issue fire extinguisher contained within.
"I would like to hide in here," he smiled.
"But...how will you fit?" asked Nazbutt.
"Ah," grinned Stinky, "That's where you come in. I have done the measurements, and I know I could fit, if only I did not have these accursed arms and legs. Here's a scimitar."
Nazbutt turned green, but Ickyboo gleefully accepted the proffered weapon. Within moments, Stinky's limbs had been hacked from his body, and lay strewn about the floor. The remaining torso and head, still alive and grinning, was hoisted into the cabinet, and the door was shut. A thick ribbon of blood oozed from the bottom of the door.
"A job well done," pronounced Ickyboo proudly.
Nazbutt threw up.
#####################################################################
Somewhere on the way home, Ickyboo suddenly stopped.
"I have found some evidence!" he shouted.
Nazbutt looked around, and could see no evidence of anything. He said so to Ickyboo, and Ickyboo laughed.
"Of course you would not see it! You are far too inexperienced! But there it is!" Ickyboo pointed at the stack of firewood in front of a random townsperson's house.
"Random my ass. I've lived here my whole life," muttered the townsperson. "Hell, I was even the mayor once!"
And, with that, he vanished from the story forever.
[Hey, don't look at us that way. He was being a pain in the ass.]
"That's just some firewood," lectured Nazbutt.
"Ah, but the Horseguy was a lumberjack in life, was he not?" explained Ickyboo. "That wood displays signs of having been chopped, and everyone knows that only a lumberjack can chop wood!"
Nazbutt considered objecting, but decided that it just wasn't worth the trouble.
"Now, grab some of that wood, so that I may examine it, and then send some back to my superiors, to prove once and for all that the Horseguy exists!" declared Ickyboo triumphantly
Nazbutt bit his tongue.
######################################################################
Ickyboo and Nazbutt arrived in Ickyboo's room, only to discover that Katrino was already there, staring blankly out the window and attempting to delay the effects of the angel dust she had recently administered to herself.
Ickyboo quickly crossed the room, and hid his evidence logs in a drawer of his dresser. Katrino took special notice of this, but did not say anything. Ickyboo gently led her out of the room, and shut the door behind her.
Ickyboo and Nazbutt sat down, and stared blankly at the floor.
After several minutes of such boredom, Ickyboo suddenly leapt up.
"I know!" he cried, "Let's hunt for treasure!"
Nazbutt gave him a skeptical look.
"Or I could just kick your ass," continued Ickyboo.
"I know!" suggested Nazbutt. "Let's hunt for treasure!"
The two searched the room moronically, overturning furniture and knickknacks. The search wound down as they reached the bed, and they both pulled it aside.
"Look!" exclaimed Ickyboo. "Something on the floor! It must be treasure!"
Nazbutt sighed and pushed the bed completely out of the way.
Upon seeing what was on the floor, both of the treasure hunters gasped.
On the floor, scrawled in blood, was a sinister sign. It consisted of a picture of a pot containing a boiling baby, and a smiling man raising a spoon to his lips. At the bottom of this illustration were the words "Yum Good Baby".
"It's a devil mark!" stated Nazbutt. "Do you know anyone who knows magic and wants to kill you?"
*FLASHBACK* "No. Our vacuum salesman," stated the man, indicating a bleeding pile of flesh in the corner. "We accidentally ran over him with a thresher."
"I see," said Ickyboo. *END FLASHBACK*
"Yes!" replied Ickyboo. "It must be Faltus!"
"Are you sure?" prodded Nazbutt.
"I told you not to prod me!" scolded Ickyboo, slapping Nazbutt.
########################################################################
That night, The Mystery Machine pulled into town, driven by Fred.
"Like, is there gunna be a guy dressed up as a scary monster?" wheezed Shaggy.
"I dunno, Shaggy," spouted Daphne. "But there is a mystery here!"
"Ruh roh! Ry roveruse reh retter R!" garbled Scooby incoherently. "Screwby doobee dooooo!"
"According to my calculations, we're about to run out of gas!" patronized Velma.
"Calm down, gang. I'm sure we can get some gas here in town." soothed Fred.
Just then, the van did run out of gas.
"Jinkies!" they all cried obnoxiously.
"Hey, Shaggy and Scooby, why don't you go and find a gas station?" spouted Daphne.
"But it's, like, dark!" wheezed Shaggy.
"Reah!" garbled Scooby incoherently.
"Just go!" patronized Velma.
"Like why do you always send me?" wheezed Shaggy. "I've proved time and time again that I'm, like, an incompetent coward!"
"Because we're lazy," soothed Fred, and Shaggy and Scooby were unceremoniously pitched out the side of the van.
Shaggy and Scooby wandered off into the dark woods, in search of the illusive gas station.
"Jinkies!" patronized Velma. "I found a gas can right here!"
"Let's all just wait for Shaggy and Scoob to come back, gang," soothed Fred.
########################################################################
Meanwhile, deep in the heart of the woods, Shaggy and Scooby came across Footpowder, who had been set loose by Ickyboo under the hope that maybe he would die.
"Wow, it's like a giant chicken, man!" wheezed the uneducated Shaggy.
Just then, the Horseguy burst from the woods on his mighty steed, cocktail dress billowing.
"Woa! It's, like, the scary monster!" wheezed Shaggy excitedly, as Scooby Doo jumped into his arms unrealistically. "Like, we'd better take this chicken to go!"
With that, Shaggy, still carrying Scooby, hopped onto the back of Footpowder, who burst off in the direction of the Mystery Machine, after just a few seconds of spinning.
As the van came into view, the Horseguy put on some speed and caught up to the ostrich riders. With one sweep of his axe, he cut off the heads of both Shaggy and Scooby. Their bodies tumbled to the ground, horrifying the watching Scooby cast members who were still in the van.
Fred gunned it, and spun the Mystery Machine in a wide arc, smashing into the side of the Horseguy, and killing his noble steed nearly instantly. The van bumped and jostled its way through the woods, until it hit a rock, rolled seven times, and flew over a cliff. The passengers all perished when it hit the pointy rocks 200 feet below.
The Horseguy mourned his horse for a split second, and ran off with the bodies.
A feminine but old hand reached down and grabbed Shaggy's head.
"This ought to prove useful," cackled the voice belonging to the owner of the hand, as Footpowder attempted to swallow Scooby's head, and slowly choked to death.
######################################################################
At the same time as the god-awful Scooby Doo reference went on, Ickyboo awoke to find his dresser drawer open and empty. With a gasp, he leapt out of bed, and ran down stairs.
In the main fireplace, Katrino was burning his logs. Faltus slept fitfully on the couch nearby, and as Ickyboo entered, Katrino threw the last piece of wood in.
"Why have you burned my wood eels?!" mourned Ickyboo. "Unless...you did this to protect your father, didn't you?!"
"Yes!" responded Katrino. "I was afraid he might catch cold!"
Ickyboo went back to bed resentfully.
########################################################################
The next morning, when Ickyboo came down for breakfast, Faltus and Lady Van Castle were already at the table, talking to one another.
"Did you hear?" moaned Lady Van Castle. "The mailman has died in the night. Apparently, someone cut off all his limbs and left him to bleed to death in a small cupboard!"
"Uh, yeah..." muttered Ickyboo. "That's really...terrible...."
"Oh," started Faltus, turning to Ickyboo. "Everyone in town has decided that you're evil and crazy. We're all holding a town meeting at the church tonight to speak out against you. You had probably better leave."
"I'll remember that," replied Ickyboo, not having even heard.
######################################################################## ########################################################################
Wow, a long(er) chapter! Probably not one of the best, but at least it was long!