This is a perfect example of me not-studying for Regents exams next week. I'm up to my knees in textbooks and notes and needed something to take my mind off of things. I figured, everybody else seems to suddenly be writing parodies, so why not me?
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DISCLAIMER: X-men: Evolution and
its characters are not mine. The 1985
movie Clue, based on the popular Parker Brothers game, is not mine. The only thing I own in any possible way is
Ryo, and I wonder about her sometimes….
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Ryo sits confidently in her very own director's chair, legs crossed and arms placed comfortably on the wooden rests. She has on a black beret and holds a bullhorn in one hand to complete the look. The screen temporarily goes blurry as someone tries to focus the lens before clearing, allowing Ryo to speak directly into the camera.
Ryo: …all set, Evan?
Evan: *off-camera* You're on, girl.
Clearing her throat, Ryo begins.
Ryo: For those of you who didn't read the summary, this is a parody of the movie Clue featuring various Evolution characters. The idea to write it came—more or less—from reading Todd Fan's serious of movie parodies, including "Mutants in Tights" and "Little Shop of Mutants."
Bobby: [over intercom] *coughplugcough*
Ryo: *ignoring him* I get to play director for this one, with the help of Evan on camera, Forge as our acting technician, Ray on lights, Bobby on sound effects, and Miss Ororo creating our stormy weather. Jamie's also around here somewhere, his clones keeping the set clean and running errands now and then. The rest of the casting was mainly chosen at random, although I have a feeling more than a little bit of typecasting went into it.
The camera slowly begins to pan out.
Ryo: And now, without further ado, I give you our feature presentation…
* * * * * *
"WHODUNIT?"
A parody of the 1985 movie, Clue
Written by DragonBlond
The scene opens with a darkening sky as storm clouds begin rolling in. Thunder and lightning can be detected off to the distance as the camera slowly pans down. Various credits roll, with haunting music playing in the background.
A car travels through the heavy wind until it reaches the gates of a familiar-looking house: the Xavier Institute, only with a haunting, New England style to it. With a few commands punched into the control panel, the gates open and allow the car to enter.
Pyro steps out of the car and walks to the front door. To his right, the sound of barking dogs can be heard. He turns his gaze in the direction of the sound, and the camera follows to see…a baby Lockheed.
Pyro: …are you serious?
Lockheed spits out a burst of fire at him, but Pyro simply flicks one hand and sends the flames back, forcing the dragon to retreat back into its doghouse. With a smug grin, he then shortens the length of Lockheed's chain before heading to the door…pausing mid-step. He looks down at his shoe in disgust, then back towards the dragon.
Pyro: I hate you.
Lockheed: *grins triumphantly from the doorway of his doghouse*
Pyro enters the house, scraping his shoe on the door frame. The song "Shake, Rattle, and Roll" is heard playing somewhere in the background as he hangs up his hat and coat in the adjacent closet.
In the library, we see Belladonna—dressed up in a French maid outfit—polishing a few glasses as she dances to the music. Pyro walks in and turns off the record.
Pyro: Is everything…WOAH!
His eyes go wide as he gets a good look at her costume.
Ryo: *off-screen* Focus, John!
He blinks, shaking his head a few times before recovering.
Pyro: Is everything ready?
Belladonna: Oui, M'sieur.
Pyro: You have your…"instructions"?
She nods. Pyro takes that as his cue to leave.
As soon as he is out of the room, Belladonna catches a whiff of something foul. She sniffs the air before examining the bottom of her shoes.
Pyro's next stop is the kitchen, where Fred is busy sharpening knives.
Pyro: Is everything all right, Freddie?
He suddenly finds a knife at his throat as Fred turns around with a neutral expression.
Fred: Dinner will be ready at seven-thirty.
Pyro is still staring at the blade.
Pyro: Okaay…you can put the knife down now, Fred…buddy…pal…
The doorbell rings, drawing both their attentions.
Lance is seen standing by the front door, being growled at by Lockheed. He looks more than a little uncomfortable.
Lance: *nervously* Nice Lockheed…good dragon…
Pyro opens the door.
Pyro: 'Evening, mate.
Lance: Good evening. I don't know if—
Pyro: Yes, indeed, sir, you are expected, Colonel.
The two of them step inside, Lance removing his hat and jacket.
Pyro: May I take your coat? It is Colonel Mustard, isn't it?
Lance: Actually, my name is—
He continues, acting like Lance hadn't spoken up.
Pyro: Of course it is.
Lance: Damnit, will you let me finish a sentence?!
Pyro: I just did. Walk this way, please.
He starts down the hall. Lance pauses as he sniffs the air in disgust, checking the bottom of his shoes.
Lance: Ugh…and I thought Toad smelled bad!
Todd: *off-screen* I heard that!
He then runs to catch up with Pyro.
Lance: So…who are you again?
Pyro: I'm Wadsworth, sir. The butler.
The two of them enter the library, where Belladonna is waiting.
Pyro: Yvette, will you attend to the Colonel and give him anything he requires…within reason, that is.
He glances over at Lance before turning and exiting the room.
Lsnce: Oh, Wadsworth, I—
He turns only to see Pyro has already left, closing the doors so that they look like a solid bookcase. Lance stares at them, confused, for a moment before turning back to Belladonna.
Lance: Er…do I know you?
The bell rings again. Pyro opens the door to reveal Rogue, who has a veil over her face and is reading a sheet of paper. She is dressed all in black.
Pyro: Do come in, madam. You are expected.
Rogue: Do ya know who Ah am?
Pyro: Only that you are to be known as Mrs. White.
Rogue: Yes. It said so in the letter…but, why?
Pyro removes her coat like a gentlemen. As he places it in the closet, Rogue sniff the air, checking her shoes just as the other two before her.
Belladonna hands Lance a glass of cognac just as the door opens. Pyro enters with Rogue in tow.
Pyro: Ah. May I introduce you? Mrs. White, this is Yvette, the maid.
As the two come face to face, a touch of surprise is evident before their expressions quickly turn to glares, neither girl bothering to hide her disgust.
Belladonna: Bitch
Rogue: Skank
Pyro blinks in surprise.
Pyro: I…see you know each other.
Belladonna: Slut
Rogue: Whore
Belladonna: Tramp
Rogue: Strumpet
Belladonna: Vampire
Rogue: Fake
Belladonna: Murderer
Rogue: …oh, you're one to talk!
Lance and Pyro look at one another in confusion as the girls' fighting continues.
Lance: I got $20 on Rogue.
Backstage, Ryo groans in annoyance as she massaging the bridge of her nose.
Ryo: Will you two shut them up already? We don't have TIME for this!
Lance/Pyro: Aww…
Lance grabs Rogue as Pyro grabs Belladonna, dragging the two girls apart. They put up a brief struggle, but eventually give in and are each brought to opposite sides of the room.
Fixing her hair, Rogue resolves not to let Belladonna get to her, resuming character.
Lance: Hello.
Rogue: *mutters*
…mostly.
Meanwhile, some distances from the mansion we see a broken down car parked on the side of a vacant road. Tabby stands beside it, obviously frustrated. As an owl hoots somewhere in the distance, she gives the car a good whack.
Thunder roars in the distance as the developing storm draws closer.
Headlights suddenly appear from down the road. Seeing this, Tabby immediately sets to work smoothing out her skirt and checking her makeup. She then bends over the engine in hopes of drawing attention to her predicament.
The car screeches to a halt as she lifts up one leg. She turns around to see Pietro sitting in the driver's seat.
Pietro: Going my way, hot stuff?
Ryo: *off-screen* Stick to the script, Pie.
Pietro: …want a lift?
Tabby: *sultry voice* Yes, please…
Pietro unlocks the door for her, and she climbs in the passenger seat.
Tabby: Thanks. I'm late for a very important date—I mean—dinner date.
Pietro: Cute. Me too. Where're you going?
She reaches into her purse, pulling out a white sheet of paper.
Tabby: Let's see…"Xavier Institute. Off Route 41."
Pietro looks at her strangely.
Pietro: Wait a minute. Let me look at that.
She hands him the paper. He rereads the directions.
Pietro: That's where I'm going…I got a letter like this!
They both look somewhat unnerved at this.
Outside, the rain has started. The car pulls away as the windshield wipers start up.
Back in the library, Kitty is looking nervously around the room as Pyro introduces her.
Pyro: And this is Mrs. Peacock.
Lance: *grins* How you doin'?
Rogue: *mutters*
Pyro: Riiight…Um, Yvette, will you go and check that dinner will be ready as soon as all the guests have arrived?
Belladonna nods as she brings over a drink to Kitty, who does a double-take at her ~revealing~ outfit. Belladonna then leaves the room just as the doorbell rings yet again.
Outside, it's now raining pretty hard. Safe from the downpour, Todd stands on the front porch. He cautiously eyes a now-subdued Lockheed, who doesn't seem to mind the frog-boy as much.
Pyro opens the door, drawing Todd's attention.
Todd: Yo, is this the right address to meet Mr Boddy?
Pyro: Oh, you must be Mr. Green…ha ha. I get it. Green…Toad…
Todd: *dryly* Funny.
Lockheed gets up at the sight of Pyro, growling.
Pyro: *to Lockheed* SIT!
Todd: Eep!
Todd scrambles to sit on a bench by the door. Seeing this, Pyro laughs.
Pyro: No, not you sir.
Todd sheepishly gets up and enters the house.
Meanwhile, Pietro and Tabby are still making their way towards the mansion. The camera shows Pietro's car pulling onto a road.
Tabby: [v/o] It should be just off there.
Inside, the two of them stare straight ahead as the car pulls up to the gate, then pauses.
Pietro: That…must be it.
A bolt of lightning strikes, illuminating the mansion in a very eerie manner. Pietro seems frozen in place.
Tabby: Why is the car stopped?
Pietro: *whispers* It's frightened.
The storm continues to increase in intensity as Storm really gets into her role. A brief shot of the library is shown, where Todd accepts a drink just as another bolt of thunder crashes. He gulps nervously.
Having pulled up the car into the driveway, Pietro gets out and zips over to Tabby's side of the car. Picking her up, he zips the two of them to the front porch before either of them could get very wet. He sets her back down in front of the door
Tabby: Wow. That's handy.
Pietro: *staring at the mansion* What a godforsaken place!
As she shakes off the droplets of water on her gown, Pietro uses this window of opportunity to reach over and grope her behind.
Tabby: *squeals in surprise*
Ray: *somewhere off-stage* HEY!
Tabby turns around and smacks him across the cheek for good measure, just as Pyro opens the door. He looks surprised to see them.
Pyro: Professor Plum! And Miss Scarlet! I didn't realize you were acquainted.
Tabby sends Pietro a Look.
Tabby: We weren't.
Pyro steps aside for her to enter the house, with Pietro right behind her.
The library doors are opened once more, revealing Tabby and Pietro. Pyro is directly in front of them to give his introduction.
Pyro: May I present Professor Plum…and Miss Scarlet.
Everyone nods in their general direction as Belladonna brings them a couple of wine glasses. Pietro eyes her up and down.
Pietro: Where have you been all my life, baby?
Rolling her eyes, Belladonna walks away. Shrugging, he takes his glass and clinks it with Tabby's. She looks back at him, obviously still annoyed.
Pyro: Of course, since you've each been addressed by a pseudonym, you'll have realized that nobody here is being addressed by their real name.
The guests all glance around at one another suspiciously.
In the hallway, Fred bangs on the gong once. It shatters from the force of the blow.
Todd jumps at the sound, landing in Kitty's arms and spilling cognac all over her fur coat…
Kitty: *clear her throat loudly*
…make that her *faux* fur coat.
Pyro: *calmly* Ah…dinner.
* * * * * *
Ryo: Aaaaand…CUT! Great job, people!
Kitty glares down at Todd (who was still in her arms) before dropping him right on the floor and walking off in disgust. Pietro zips out of the room after Belladonna with all intentions of flirting. Ray goes after him.
Ray: Get back here, Maximoff…I want a word with you!
Meanwhile, the rest of the crew pass around the cognac.
Lance: Whoever's idea it was to use real brandy for authenticity…they're my new best friend. Cheers!
All: Cheers!
Rogue, however, storms over to the director's chair where Ryo is discussing camera angles with Evan.
Rogue: Why wasn't Ah informed that she was gonna be a part of this?!
Ryo: *groans* Oh, it's gonna be a looooong fanfic…