I apologize for my brief lapse in updating, but I needed a bit of time to recover. In the past three days, I've had to suffer through six 6-paragraph (2 ½ page) essays, over 150 multiple choice questions, and a Physics Regents so impossibly ridiculous our class average came to about a 56…only those of you who had to suffer through it as well could possibly understand the hatred I feel towards the NY State Board of Ed right now. But all things aside, I'm definitely ready for summer…if it ever gets here…
~~~~~~~~~~
Ryo and Evan are walking back on the set from the buffet table, doughnuts in hand, and greeted by an odd sight. Pietro somehow managed to drag a psychiatrist chair and couch set to one corner of the room since the last scene. He currently sits he chair dressed in a professional-looking suit, including a pair of prop-glasses with the lenses missing, and writing in a notepad.
Lying on the couch is none other than Remy, who appears to be in the middle of a session.
Remy: …honestly, mon ami, Remy jus' 'bout t' give up on dem. Chere an' Bella gon' end up killin' each other before dis is all over…an' maybe Remy, too.
Shaking her head in disbelief, Ryo marches back over to her director's chair and sits down. Evan continues to stare.
Evan: Um…somebody did tell Pietro that he's not really a doctor, right?
Shrugging, Ryo picks up her megaphone/bullhorn.
Ryo: Come on people, it's time for Scene Three. Everybody take their places…
* * * * * *
The guests, including Remy and Wadsworth, all walk across the hallway into a very comfortable-looking room filled with couches, a table with drinks, and a desk. They look around, expecting to find the "host" waiting for them, but the room is surprisingly empty.
Todd: There's no one here, yo.
Pyro: Please help yourself to brandy and please be seated.
Lance: Don't mind if I do!
He heads straight for the table, but Pietro zips over and gets to it first, pouring them both a drink. Pyro, meanwhile, goes to the desk where a manila envelope rests. It reads "For Wadsworth: Open AFTER DINNER." He does so with a letter opener.
As Tabby sits down, she reaches into her purse.
Tabby: Mind if I smoke?
As nobody objects, she takes out the prop cigarette. Pietro, who has taken a seat neat next to her, lights a match for her. Tabby takes a few puffs, coughing from accidentally inhaling some of the smoke-like dust.
Tabby: …these things ARE just props, right?
Ryo: *off-stage* Realistic, aren't they? DragonBlond's school used them for their production of Grease.
Meanwhile, Pyro has been flipping through the contents of the envelope…mostly papers and a few photograph negatives.
Pyro: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm instructed to tell you what you all have in common with each other…unless, of course, you would care to do the honors, Mr. Boddy?
From his or her seat, everybody turns around to where Remy sits comfortably in a chair near the doorway.
Remy: Why me? They know who I am?
Pyro: I don't think so. You've never identified yourself.
Remy stands up abruptly.
Remy: It's a hoax! I suggest we all leave!
He takes off out the study door with Pyro in pursuit.
Pyro: I'm sorry, sir, you cannot leave this house!
Remy heads to the front door, only to find it locked. Pyro follows him out into the hallway with the guests trailing behind.
Pyro: It's too late to leave, sir. The doors are locked and we know where you live.
Remy: This is an outrage! You can't hold us prisoner!
In unison, the guests all start voicing their agreement. Pyro holds up his hands and shouts over the din.
Pyro: Ladies and Gen—
Nobody pays any attention to him, talking amongst themselves.
Pyro: People!
The only get louder.
Pyro: *loudly* HEY, SHUT UP!
The room goes completely silent. Everybody turns to stare at Pyro, wide-eyed.
Pyro: That's better…now then, please return to the study. Everything will be explained.
They all obey, filing unhappily back into the study. Remy, however, walks past Pyro down towards the rear of the hall.
Pyro: You too, Mr Boddy…
Remy starts running.
Pyro: Other way!
Remy: No shiiiit.
He continues running. Pyro peruses.
Remy makes it all the way to the conservatory, which pretty much looks like Storm's greenhouse. The fourth wall (hehe…) is made completely of glass, from which the outside rain can be both seen and heard. Remy picks up a brick, preparing to throw it at the glass as a means of escape when Pyro runs in.
Pyro: You can't get out that way.
Remy: Watch me.
He charges the brick and is just about to hurl it when a vicious dog looking an awful lot like Rahne jumps at the glass, barking and snarling. Remy sighs and drops the brick, knowing he wouldn't want to hurt her. He turns to Pyro.
Remy: You fight dirty.
Pyro: *smirks*
Pyro and Remy reenter the study, where everyone else is already seated and waiting. Pyro resumes his position at the desk, taking up the envelope's contents once more.
Pyro: Ladies and gentlemen, you all have one thing in common; you're all being blackmailed. For some considerable time, all of you have been paying what you can afford and—in some cases—more than you can afford to someone who threatens to expose you and none of you know who's blackmailing you, do you?
Kitty is the first to speak up.
Kitty: *nervously* Oh, please! I've never heard anything so ridiculous. I mean, nobody could blackmail me. My life is an open book—I've never done anything wrong!
She takes a puff of her prop-cigarette, her hand visibly shaking.
Pyro: Anybody else wish to deny it?
The rest of them all look amongst themselves, but nobody responds.
Pyro: Very well. As everyone here is in the same boat, there's no harm in my revealing some details, and my instructions are to do so…. Thank you, Yvette.
Belladonna: Aw, damnit.
With a disappointed snap of the fingers, she turns to leave.
Rogue: *calls out* Don't let the door knob hit ya on the way out!
Belladonna flips her the bird over one shoulder as she exits the room without looking back.
Once the door is closed, Pyro begins.
Pyro: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry, specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics.
Pietro: Shall I make you an appointment?
Tabby, Rogue, and Lance attempt to stiffen their laughter. Pyro glares.
Ryo: *off-screen* ONE scene, people! Is ONE good scene too much to ask for? …don't answer that.
Pietro: That's true, but now I work for the United Nations.
Pyro: So your work has not changed. But you don't practice medicine at the U.N. His license to practice has been lifted, correct?
Tabby walks up to him.
Tabby: Why? What did he do?
Pyro: You know what doctors aren't allowed to do with their lady patients?
Tabby: Yeah.
Pyro: Well, he did.
Tabby laughs while Kitty gives a look of disgust.
Kitty: Oh, how disgusting.
Lance: Please, this is Pietro we're talking about. He's probably proud of it!
Pietro doesn't say anything one way or the other, but grins ominously.
Pyro: …are you making moral judgments, Mrs. Peacock? Then how do you justify taking bribes in return for delivering your husband, Senator Peacock's, vote to certain lobbyists?
Kitty: *defensively* My husband is a paid consultant. There is nothing wrong with that!
Pyro: Not if it's publicly declared, perhaps. But if the payment is delivered by slipping used greenbacks in plain envelopes under the door of the men's room, how would you describe that transaction?
Tabby pokes her head from where she had wandered over behind Kitty.
Tabby: I'd say it stinks.
Kitty: *mutters* Well, how would you know—when were you in that men's room?
Pietro: So it's true!
Kitty stands up.
Kitty: No, it's a vicious lie! Lies, I tell you, all lies!
Pyro: I'm sure we're all glad to hear that…but you've been paying blackmail for over a year now t keep that story out of the papers.
As Kitty nervously walks past where Rogue is sitting, Rogue speaks to her.
Rogue: Well, I am willing to believe you. I, too, am being blackmailed for something I didn't do.
Todd: Me, too.
Lance: And me.
Tabby: Not me.
Pyro turn to look at her, surprised.
Pyro: You're not blackmailed?
Tabby: Oh, I'm being blackmailed, all right. But I did what I'm being blackmailed for.
Pietro: What did you do?
Tabby: Well, to be perfectly frank…
She saunters over to the desk and pulls herself up onto it so that she can sit, legs crossed.
Tabby: …I run a specialized hotel and telephone services which provide gentlemen with the company of a young lady for a short while.
Pietro walks over to where she sits, taking out a notepad and pen.
Pietro: Oh, yeah? What's the number.
Tabby rolls her eyes.
Rogue: Ah'm startin' ta see where the typecasting comes inta play here.
Todd: So how did you know Colonel Mustard works in Washington? Is he one of your clients?
Lance: *incredulously* Certainly not!
Todd: I was asking Miss Scarlet!
Lance turns to Tabby.
Lance: Well, you tell him it's not true!
Tabby: It's not true.
Pietro: Is that true?
Tabby: No, its not true.
Todd stands up triumphantly.
Todd: Ha-Hah! So it is true!
Pyro: A double negative!
Realization suddenly dawns on Lance as he walks over to Tabby.
Lance: Double "negative"? You mean you have…*whispers* photographs?
Pyro: That sounds like a confession to me. In fact, the double negative has led to proof positive—I'm afraid you gave yourself away.
Lance: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
Pyro: You don't need any help from me, sir!
Lance: That's right!
As Pyro triumphantly walks away, Lance realizes what he just said.
Lance: …damnit, he did it to me again!
Pietro: But seriously, I don't see what's so terrible about Colonel Mustard visiting a house of ill fame…most soldiers do, don't they?
He places his hand on Tabby's leg, but she immediately removes it.
Tabby: Oh, please.
Pyro: But he holds a sensitive security post in the Pentagon. And Colonel, you drive a very expensive car for someone who lives on a colonel's pay.
Lance: I don't. I came into money during the war, when I lost my mommy and daddy.
Pyro is taken aback by this for a moment.
Lance: *triumphantly* That certainly shut you up. How's it feel to get a taste of your own medicine, huh? Not so high and mighty, are ya?
Ryo: *off-sage* Lance, can we—
Lance: SILENCE, WOMAN! LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT!
Ryo: *off-stage* …
Lance: …sorry.
Ryo: *off-stage* That's better. Moving on!
Pyro finally recovers, and turn his attention to Rogue.
Pyro: Mrs White, you've been paying our friend the blackmailer ever since your husband died under—shall we say—"mysterious circumstances."
Tabby suddenly lets out an amused laughter from her seat on the desk.
Rogue: Why is that funny?
Tabby: I see. That's why he was lying on his back…in his coffin.
Rogue: *defensively* Ah didn't kill him.
Lance: Then why are you paying the blackmailer?
Rogue: Ah don't want a scandal, do Ah? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation. He was deranged…*taps her head* lunatic. He didn't actually seem to like me very much…
Belladonna: *off-stage, sarcastically* Can't imagine why.
Rogue: *ignores her* …He had threatened to kill me in public.
Tabby gives a confused look.
Tabby: Why would he want to kill you in public?
Pyro: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
Tabby: Ah. And was that his final word on the matter?
Rogue: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't ya say?
Pyro: And yet he was the one who died. Not you, Mrs. White, not you.
Rogue: …is that supposed to make me feel guilty, or something?
Tabby leans forward curiously.
Tabby: What did he do for a living.
Rogue: He was a scientist. Nuclear physics.
Tabby: What was he like?
Rogue: Ya're a nosy one, aren't ya…he was always a stupidly optimistic man. Ah mean, Ah'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died, but he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off and so had his…*motions downward*…you know…
Todd, Pietro, and Lance simultaneously cross their legs.
Rogue: Ah had been out all evening at the movies.
Pietro: …a likely story.
Tabby: Do you miss him?
Rogue shrugs.
Rogue: Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, Ah have a life.
Pyro: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.
Rogue: Well, that was his job. He was an illusionist.
Pyro: …but he never reappeared.
Rogue: *shrugging* He wasn't a very good illusionist.
Todd clears his throat suddenly, gaining everyone's attention. He stands up and removes his prop glasses with the missing lenses.
Todd: I have something to say. I'm not going to wait for Wadsworth here to unmask me. I work for the state department…and…
He pauses, shuddering slightly, then turns to the camera.
Todd: …do I have to say it?
Ryo: *off-stage* YES!
Todd: But…but…
Ryo: *off-stage* Oh, be a man and get it over it.
Todd: *mutters* andimahomosexual…
Lance puts one hand to his ear.
Lance: I'm sorry, Green. I'm afraid I didn't catch that.
Todd: *reluctantly* …and I'm a homosexual.
Pyro, wide-eyed, slowly turns the pages in his hands to look for his file. Kitty clucks her tongue in disgust. Everybody else just stares at Todd.
Ryo: *off-stage* DragonBlond would like me to point out that she means no offense to gays or lesbians or Todd whatsoever, and is only adhering to the original script. Thank you.
Todd: I feel no personal shame or guilt about this…though I think I might need some serious therapy when this is all over…but I must keep it a secret or I will lose my job on security grounds.
He pauses briefly, met only with silence.
Todd: …thank you.
He puts the fake glasses back on an sits back down on the couch next to Pietro, who rapidly stands up and walks away. Pietro then turns to stand in front of Remy, who has been casually sitting in the chair the entire time.
Pietro: Well, that just leaves Mr. Boddy.
Tabby: What's your little secret?
Pyro: His secret? Oh, haven't you guessed? He's the one who's blackmailing you all.
Lightning cracks outside as everybody freezes in surprise. Remy lifts his head in smug satisfaction, and Lance furiously stands to face him.
Lance: You bastard!
The other guests advance on him angrily as he stands up. Lance puts up his hands in a boxing-style, issuing a challenge to fight.
Lance: Put 'em up!
Remy calmly stomps on his foot, then poking him in the eyes.
Todd: Gentlemen…
Nobody listens to Todd's attempt at calming them down. Lance winces in pain.
Lance: If you can't fight fairly, don't fight at all, you—
Ryo: *off-stage* PG-13 RATING!
Todd and Pietro try to hold Remy by the arms as Lance recovers, ready to make another go.
Rogue decides to take matters into her own hands. Calmly, she walks up to Remy, places her hands on his shoulders and knees him in…a very sensitive area. The guys all wince as Remy keels over in pain.
Lance: He's gonna feel that one in the morning.
Behind them, we see Kitty laugh as she claps her hands together in an amusing satisfaction.
Todd: Was that necessary, Mrs. White?
Rogue: Don't act like ya didn't enjoy seeing that.
Todd: That is BESIDES the point…
Amidst the chaos and chatter, Pyro once again attempts to call everyone down.
Pyro: Wait! Wait! The police are coming.
This certainly gets everyone's attention as they all voices their disapproval.
Pyro: Listen! Blackmail depends on secrecy. You've all admitted how he's been able to blackmail you. All you have to do is tell the police. He'll be convicted and your troubles will be over!
Remy stands up, though still obviously in pain.
Remy: *strained* It's not so easy. You'll never tell the police.
Pyro: Then I shall. I have evidence in my possession, and this conversation is being tape recorded.
Guests: …WHAT?!
The scene briefly switches to the Billiard room, where Belladonna is sitting on the pool table, sipping a drink as she toys with one of the billiard balls. On the table in front of her is an old-fashioned recording device that is recording the conversation as it happens.
Todd: [on tape] Point of order—tape recordings are not admissible evidence!
Back in the study, general confusion ensues.
Pyro: Ladies and gentlemen, the police will be here in about…*checks his watch*…forty-five minutes. Tell them the truth, and Mr. Boddy will be behind bars.
Remy starts for the open doorway, but Pyro stops him.
Pyro: Where are you going this time?
Remy: I think I can help them make up their minds. Can I just get my little bag from the hall?
He exits the room.
* * * * * *
Ryo: Okay, I think that's a good place to end it for now.
Everybody collapses into a chair, while diverting their gaze away from Todd, who looks like he's about to have a conniption. Angrily, he storms off the set, before briefly turning back around, pointing a finger at Ryo.
Todd: I'll sue you for emotional damages, you hear me?!
She blinks at him, shaking her head in disbelief.
Evan: And just think…next scene, Remy hands out the weapons.
At this, Ryo gets up and walks over to Pietro, wordlessly dragging him over to his mock-psychiatrist office. Throwing him in the chair with a pad and pen, she proceeds to lie down on the couch.
Ryo: *sighing* I think it all began when a girl around my age asked me to become her muse and direct a fanfic. It seemed like a good idea at the time…