Sorry for the wait! I've been…um…a little occupied the last few days…
~~~~~~~~~~~
The casts sits leisurely around the green room, some on couches or chairs, some on the floor, and all of them in-costume. In the center of the room, there is a big-screen TV playing Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on DVD. Jamie, of course, sits about two feet from the screen with wide eyes. He even has on one of those wizard hats and waves a fake wand around. Then again, everybody else seems just as transfixed on the movie as he is.
Ryo wanders in, her nose buried in a thick hard-cover book. Jubilee is the first to notice the title cover.
Jubilee: *gasps* Where did you get that?!
Ryo looks up, then at the book cover. It reads Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. She shrugs.
Ryo: DragonBlond's had this thing pre-ordered since February.
Jubilee: Does she know you have it?
As if on cue, a female voice could be heard somewhere in the background:
Voice in Background: Hey, bro, have you seen my new book? I've only read it three times!
Ryo: Um…yes?
She gulps nervously before hiding the book behind her back and getting business-like again.
Ryo: Okay guys, put that thing on pause for now…it's time for the next scene….
* * * * * *
Remy re-enters the study with a briefcase in hand. Placing it on the nearest table, he opens it to reveal a number of boxes wrapped up like presents.
Remy: Who can guess what's in here, eh?
Kitty: The evidence against us, no doubt.
Remy chuckles as he starts handing them out.
Tabby: We didn't know we were meeting you tonight. Did you know you were meeting us?
Remy: Oh, yes.
Rogue: What were ya told, precisely?
Remy: Merely that you were all meeting to discuss our little…"financial agreements." And if I did not appear, Wadsworth would be informing the police about it all. Naturally, I could hardly resist putting in an appearance.
Rogue: Always gotta make an entrance, huh, Swamp Rat?
He finishes handing out the packages, then elbows his way to the door before turning back around.
Remy: Open 'em.
Evan: *off-stage* Y'know, he kinda sounds like someone from an Italian mafia in this scene.
Ryo: *off-stage* Shh!
Everybody else scatters to find seats. Tabby sits back down on the desk.
Tabby: Why not? I enjoy getting presents from strange men…and you're about as strange as they come.
Removing the fancy ribbon holding it together, she opens the box to reveal…a candlestick.
~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~
Tabby: A candlestick? What's this for?
Rogue opens her box and reveals a good length of rope…tied in a noose.
~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~
She looks up towards the heavens with a smile.
Rogue: *mouths* Thank ya!
Todd takes his long, thin box into one hand, allowing the contents to fall out in the other. It's a bent lead pipe.
~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~
Lance opens his box and pulls out…a heavy wrench.
~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~
Pietro takes the lid off his package and looks in, gingerly pulling out a revolver.
~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~
Lance eyes him nervously. Pietro suddenly grins to himself.
Pietro: *sings softly* Petey's got a gun…
Finally, the camera reveals Kitty, who is nervously holding her gift…a sharp dagger.
~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~
Remy: In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon….
Tabby: Lethal?! How lethal can a candlestick be?
Todd turns to face Lance and Pietro.
Todd: Yo, didn't we have this conversation before?
Bobby: [from sound effects booth] *coughredwitchplugcough*
Ryo: *off-screen* When I said you'd do sound effects, that's not what I had in mind, Bobby!
Remy: If you denounce me to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. I'll see to that in court. But…if one of you kills Wadsworth now…
A close-up of Pyro's eyes opening wide in shock is seen.
Remy: …no one but the seven of us will ever know.
Remy saunters around the room as he speaks.
Remy: He has the key to the front door, which he said would only be opened over his dead body. I suggest we take him up on that offer.
Pyro: I…suggest we don't.
Remy goes over to the light switch with ease, closing the door to the hallway and setting his drink down.
Remy: The only way to avoid finding yourself on the front page is for one of you to kill Wadsworth. Now.
He turns off the lights, plunging the room into darkness…
…almost.
Todd: Yo, I can still see.
Tabby: That's 'cause the fireplace is still lit, genius.
Ryo: *off-stage* Pyro, if you don't mind?
With a wave of his hand, Pyro puts out the flames, plunging the room into darkness for real this time.
A serious of noises can be heard in the dark.
~*sound of a body hitting the floor*~
~*a gunshot*~
~*a woman screaming*~
Ryo: *off-stage* CUT! Bobby, you played it backwards!
Bobby: *sound effects room* I played it just as it says in the script!
Ryo: *off-stage* What? Lemme see that…[pause]…well whatdoya know? Huh. Chalk that up as a screw up on their part. Okay, continue…
The lights go back on, courtesy of Kitty. She then looks down and drops the dagger in shock. The camera reveals Remy lying prone on the floor.
Lance: It's not Wadsworth!
Pyro: No shit, Sherlock.
The guests all clutter around him. Pietro kneels down beside the body.
Pietro: Stand back! Give him air! Let me see…
He checks Remy's wrists and neck for signs of a pulse.
Pietro: He's dead!
Rogue: Who had the gun?
Pietro: *standing up* I did!
Kitty: Then you shot him!
Pietro: I didn't!
Kitty: Well, you had the gun. If you didn't shoot him, who did?
Remy's body is turned over so he lies on his back. No wound is visible.
Pietro: Nobody! Look, there's no gunshot wound. Somebody tried to grab the gun from me in the dark, and the gun went off!
Lance: A likely story.
Pietro suddenly points to a place off-camera.
Pietro: Look! The bullet broke that vase on the mantel!
Everybody rushes for the mantle simultaneously, causing confusion.
Lance: He's absolutely right; look, there's a bullet hole here in the wall.
Todd grabs Pietro by his shirt lapels, shaking him.
Todd: How did he die?!
Pietro: I-I-I do-o-o-on't kno-o-o-o-ow!
He manages to shove Todd away.
Pietro: I'm not a forensic expert!
Rogue takes off her hat and throws it to the side in frustration.
Rogue: Well, one of us must have killed him!
Todd: Well, I didn't do it!
Kitty looks like she about to faint.
Kitty: Oh, I need a drink!
She goes over to the door and picks up Remy's cognac, inhaling the rest in one gulp.
Pietro points to her suddenly.
Pietro: *in alarm* Maybe he was poisoned!
Kitty drops the glass in revulsion and starts to scream…and scream…and scream…
Remy: That sounds familiar.
Ryo: *off-screen* Shut up and act dead, Remy!
Todd guides her to the sofa, attempting to offer words of comfort. Kitty sits down, but refuses to stop screaming.
Todd slaps her.
Caught by surprise, Kitty forgets to continue screaming and slaps him back in anger.
Todd falls to the floor as everybody stares at them.
Todd: *weakly* I…had to stop her from screaming…
Pietro: Was the brandy poisoned?
Todd: I don't know!
Tabby walks over and picks up the empty glass.
Tabby: Looks like we'll never know.
Todd finally gets up and turns to look at Kitty.
Todd: Unless…unless she dies, too.
They all rush over to stare at Kitty, who looks unnerved by their closeness.
A scream suddenly erupts from somewhere, evoking a gasp from everyone. They all begin running out into the hall…
Ryo: *off-stage* Hold it! Rogue…put the rope down.
Grudgingly, Rogue places the noose back in the study, then meets up with the others.
Following the scream, they all gather in front of the billiard room. Todd tries to open the door.
Todd: It's locked!
Pyro: *pounding on the door* Open up!
Pietro: It must be the murderer.
Todd: …why would he scream?
Rogue: He must have a victim in there—oh, mah God, Yvette!
Todd: *dramatically* Oh, my God!
The door opens, and everybody pours in. Belladonna stands there, obviously upset.
Pyro: You're alive!
Belladonna: No thanks to you!
Pyro: What do you mean?
Belladonna: You lock me up with a murderer, you idiot!
Rogue: So the murderer is in this room?
Belladonna: Mai Oui!
Todd: But where?
Belladonna: Where? 'ere!
Todd takes a few cautious back steps and peeks behind the door.
Belladonna: We are all looking at 'im…or 'er. Most likely 'er.
Rogue: *glaring* Ooh, y'all are SO lucky she made meh leave the rope behind.
Belladonna: Is what Mrs. White said in ze study—one of you is ze killer!
Pietro: How did you know she said that?
Belladonna: *matter-of-factly* I was listening!
Rogue: But why were ya screaming in here all by ya'self?
Belladonna: *upset* Because I am frightened. Me too, I also drank ze cognac. *starts sobbing* Mon Diou, I can't stay in here by myself.
Rogue: Oh, suck it up, ya big drama queen.
Tabby and Lance walk over to Belladonna.
Tabby: Come back to the study wit us.
Belladonna: With ze murderer!?
Lance: *shaking the wrench* There is safety in numbers…my dear.
He realizes what he's doing and quickly puts the wrench away.
Todd: Tell that to the Cajun, yo.
Rogue: *to camera* How come he gets to hold onto his weapon?!
With the two of them guiding a sobbing Belladonna, the guests all leave the room. After they are gone, Pyro walks over to the tape machine, turns it off, and removes the spools.
Back in the study, everybody else stands around, completely befuddled.
Todd: Is there no indication of how he died?
Pietro: No.
Pyro is having a minor fit.
Pyro: *to himself* This is terrible…this is absolutely terrible! It's not what I'd intended. Oh, my God…
Rogue: Not what y'all intended?!
Tabby: So you're not the butler?
Pyro: I'm not THE butler, but I am A butler. In fact, I was HIS butler…stop smiling, Remy.
Pietro: So, if he told you to invite us all to his house, why did he arrive late?
Pyro: I invited you. In fact, I wrote the letters. It was all my idea.
Rogue: Wait a minute. Ah-Ah don't understand. Why did ya invite us here ta meet ya late employer? Were ya assisting him ta blackmail us?
Pyro: Certainly not!
Rogue: Ah think ya had better explain.
Pyro: Please sit down. Everyone.
Everybody manages to find a seat, except for Todd. Every time he thinks he's found one, somebody gets to it first. In the end, he settles for leaning against one of the serving tables.
Pyro: When I said that I was Mr. Boddy's butler, this was both true and misleading. I was once his butler, but it was not his untimely death this evening that brought my employment with him to an end.
Lance: When did it come to end?
Pyro: When my wife decided to…end her life.
Out of nowhere, Pietro pulls out a violin and starts playing it in the background. Pyro continues his speech over the music.
Pyro: She, too, was being blackmailed by this odious man who now lies dead before us.
Remy: Remy can hear y', y' know.
Ryo: *off-stage* Why do I bother?
Pyro: He hated my wife for the same reason that he hated all of you. He believed you were all thoroughly…un-American…
Todd's serving table gives way just thin, landing him (and several pieces of crystal) on the floor. The 'music' comes to a screeching halt, and the violin disappears. He hastily gets up, embarrassed.
Todd: …sorry.
Pyro continues with the sob-story.
Pyro: For some reason, he felt that it was inappropriate for a senator to have a corrupt wife…
More than one person opens their mouth to comment, but then thinks better of it.
Pyro: …for a doctor to take advantage of his patients, for a wife to emasculate her husband and…and…so forth.
Todd: But this is ridiculous! If he was such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities?
Pyro: He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money out of it. What could be more American than that?
Several people nod.
Lance: *sings softly* And I'm proud to be an American…
Pietro: And what was your role in all this?
Pyro: I was…a victim, too. At least my wife was. She had friends who were…
He seems to struggle with himself, as it is obviously painful for him.
Pyro: …Socialists.
Gasps and mutters come from several of the guests. Kitty shakes her head disapprovingly.
Todd: Um…what's a Socialist?
He looks to Tabby, who shrugs.
Pyro: *holding back tears* Well, we all make mistakes…
Rogue pulls a tissue from her bra and gives it to him.
Belladonna: I knew it! You stuff your bra, don't you?
Rogue: *sweetly* No, only you do that, Sugah.
Pyro dabs at his eyes a bit before continuing.
Pyro: But Mr. Boddy threatened to give my wife's name to the House Un-American Activities Committee unless she named them. She refused, and so he blackmailed her. We had no money, and the price of his silence was that we work for him for nothing. We wee slaves! Well, to make a long story short—
Lance: *bored* Too late.
Beside him, Pietro abruptly wakes up, having fallen asleep sometime during the speech.
Pyro: —the suicide of my wife preyed on my mind an created a sense of injustice in me. I resolved to put Mr. Boddy behind bars. It seemed to be the best way to do it, and free all of you from the same burden of blackmail was to get everyone face to face, confront Mr. Boddy with his crime, and then…turn him over to the police.
Everybody suddenly stands up and applauds Pyro.
Pietro: Wonderful, masterful…worthy of an Oscar!
He whistles, as Pyro takes a bow.
Pyro: Thank you, thank you…I'll be here 'till Thursday.
Lance: And probably longer!
Ryo: *off-stage* Guys…please…I'm begging you!
Everyone sits back down again.
Pietro: So, everything is explained.
Tabby: Nothing's explained. We still don't know who killed him!
Pyro: Well, the point is, we've got to find out in the next thirty-nine minutes before the police arrive!
Kitty: My God, we can't have them come here now!
Todd: But…how can we possibly find out which of you did it?
Pietro: What do you mean "which of you did it"?
Todd: Well, I didn't do it!
Pyro: Well, one of us did. We all had the opportunity, we all had a motive.
Lance: We all had the weapons HE gave us…
Tabby stands up.
Tabby: Great! We'll all go to the chair!
Pietro: Maybe it wasn't one of us.
Lance: Well, who else could it have been?
Pietro: Who else is in the house.
Pyro and Belladonna look at one another.
Pyro/Belladonna: Only the cook…
Realization dawns on everybody simultaneously.
All: The cook!
* * * * * *
Ryo: That's a wrap, people.
Remy jumps up less than a second later, and joins the rest of the group in walking back to the green room. No sooner do they open the door, when the distinctive voices of Jubilee and Amara ring out.
Jubilee: Harry!
Amara: Ron!
Jubilee: Harry!
Amara: Ron!
Jubilee: Harry!
Amara: Ron!
Everyone stares at them in bewilderment.
Ryo: …do I dare ask?
Roberto speaks up from his seat over in one corner, obviously looking quite fatigued.
Roberto: They've been at it since halfway through the scene. Tryin' to guess who Hermione will end up with by the end of the series.
Pietro: Ah…the never-ending debate.
Ryo: Whatever…I'm just gonna go take the book and find someplace quiet to read.
With the book in her hand, she turns to leave the room when a voice suddenly rings out.
Voice in Background: RYO!!!
She gulps nervously, then turns back around and hops on the nearest couch, where Jamie, Belladonna, Lance, and Kitty were sitting.
Ryo: On second thought…pass the popcorn.