Just wanted to make sure my voice was the first thing you heard this year, Shawn told me over the phone on the morning of New Year's Day. But I don't have time to talk because I need to go have sex for the third time this year, he said and hung up, not allowing me to say even one word.

After my strange wake-up call I headed to the bathroom still half-asleep, but the water from the shower waked me up as soon as it hit my body. Once I was awake, I thought about Shawn's call, and thought about Scott. If Scott hadn't died, he and I would still be in bed doing what Shawn and Hunter were doing. Scott and I always spent New Year's Day in bed, and I missed that.

When I was clean I went back into my bedroom to get dressed. As I approached my dresser, I happened to glance at the picture of Scott and me that hung above the bed. It was my favorite picture of us, and suddenly I missed Scott so much that I sank to the floor and started to cry with such force that every part of me was shaking.

I don't know how long I sat there letting some of the pain pour out of me, but eventually I ran out of tears. When my sobs stopped, I heard Cody barking downstairs, demanding to be let outside. I quickly wiped the tears from my face, threw on some clothes, and met Cody at the front door.

Today is going to be a really bad day, I told the dog as I got down to hook his leash to his collar.

Cody seemed to get a sympathetic look in his eyes as he kissed my face.

I smiled at him and said, I really love you, but I don't need puppy slobber all over me this early in the day.

Cody barked at me impatiently, so I stood up and took him for his walk.

When I returned from my walk with Cody, Nathan's car was in my driveway, and he was sitting on my front porch. Cody quickly ran to greet Nathan with lots of sloppy kisses. I kissed Nathan, too, despite his new puppy breath taste. Then I unlocked the door and we all went inside.

Nathan and I spent the morning taking down all the Christmas decorations. Nathan must have sensed my depressed mood, because he didn't talk very much, which I was thankful for. I didn't even feel like being awake, let alone carrying a conversation. Cody also felt that I wasn't happy, and he tried to cheer me up by getting himself tangled in the lights and just being highly mischievous. His efforts were rewarded with only a weak smile, though.

Once all the holiday stuff was away and we finished a small lunch, we sat in the living room watching some awful movie on TV. I was gently petting Cody, who was sleeping against me on the couch, and imagining all the things that Scott would say to mock that stupid movie. Nathan was looking around the room, which had pictures of Scott and me everywhere, as he sat in the chair on the other side of the room instead of on the couch beside me.

Just as I was thinking that maybe Nathan should change the channel since he had the remote, he decided to start a conversation.

he began.

I glanced up at him.

Can I ask you something? he asked.

I asked hesitantly, getting the feeling that I wasn't going to like our conversation.

You have all these pictures of you and Scott, he said waving his hand to show me. How come there aren't any of you and me?

He made a good point. My house was still covered with pictures of Scott, while pictures of Nathan were still in their packages in some drawer. Why was it that way? I don't know, I answered him truthfully.

I'd like to see a few pictures of myself in your house one day, he said.

I replied.

We sat in silence for a few moments. It was an uncomfortable silence, though. I wanted one of us to say something, but I didn't have anything to say. When Nathan finally did break the silence, I wished that he hadn't.

Do you ever think that I might get tired of Scott? he said, sounding a little irritated.

I asked, shocked and hurt by Nathan's words.

Everything's about Scott. The pictures, that I know you have no intention of changing, are only the beginning, he said. There's the way you always cook Scott's favorite meal when his favorite hockey team wins. And the way you always talk about him, which causes you to cry. And the way you're almost scared to have fun since he's not here.

I just looked at Nathan, surprised that he would say those things to me.

For crying outloud, Kevin, he's been dead for over three years!

Scott was with me every single day for twelve years. I'm allowed to miss him! I love him! So, you just shut the hell up! I shouted, suddenly very angry with Nathan for hurting my feelings.

Kevin, you've to to move on, he said in a quieter voice.

I am! I yelled. I thought that he understood how hard it was for me to allow myself to even like him, to kiss him, and to proclaim my love for him. Why was he picking this fight with me?

I cannot be Scott, Nathan said as he turned the television off, like he was getting ready to have a serious conversation.

Believe me, I know, I told him. I knew full well that Nathan was not Scott, because at the beginning of our relationship I constantly compared them. After a while, I had reached the conclusion that Nathan was very different from Scott, and I accepted that fact.

Then why do I feel like I have to be like him sometimes? Nathan asked.

I don't know. Do I look like your psychologist? I replied nastily.

I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you, Kevin.

Good for you, I said. I didn't feel like talking about anything, especially Scott.

Why are you being an asshole? Nathan asked angrily.

Why are you telling me to stop loving Scott? I countered.

I never said that!

That's what it sounded like to me, I said.

You're twisting my words, I never said that, he insisted.

I mumbled. I didn't care what he had to say anymore. I couldn't believe that Nathan would say those things. He had never seemed bothered that I loved Scott before. Nathan had always comforted me when I was having a bad day, so I couldn't understand why he was suddenly angry about it.

Kevin, let's just talk about this, Nathan said quietly.



We have to talk about it, he insisted.



Why not?

I don't want to, I said.

Sometimes you can be a real jackass, he said.

There's one more difference between Scott and Nathan--Scott only cursed at me playfully, he never meant it. It hurt my feelings even more that Nathan would call me names and mean it.

Kevin, I didn't mean

Shut up! I cut Nathan off. I was suddenly sick of him, and didn't want to hear him anymore.

he began again.

Shut up! I cut him off again.

Nathan stood up and said, Fine, call me when you want to act like an adult, and he started walking towards my front door.

His words and actions caused a feeling of dread to crawl into my heart. Unfortunately, that didn't stop me from standing up, too, and saying, Good, leave! Just get the fuck out of my house!

Nathan walked silently out of the living room, but when he got to the door he stopped and sat down on his knees.

That's when I noticed that Cody had followed Nathan to the door and was whimpering at his feet. Nathan was petting our dog and trying to comfort him. After Cody gave him a kiss, Nathan stood up and turned to look at me.

I wanted to tell Nathan that I loved him, and that he couldn't leave. I wanted him to stay and comfort me like he had just done for Cody. However, I quickly changed my mind when I looked into Nathan's glare and saw anger.

Nathan abruptly broke eye contact with me, and turned around to pull the door open. Neither of us said anything as he walked out of the house and the front door slammed.

TBC