To be honest, this chapter would've been up sooner, but I've been having a hard week between fights with both my parents and the funeral of one of my great-uncles (died of cancer), so—needless to say—I haven't been in much of a comedic mood.
Oh, yeah…and then I kinda went on a Teen Titans kick for a while after seeing the "Sisters" episode. Still on it, actually. *waves Robin/Starfire shipper flag*
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For those you who asked, Belladonna is Remy's fiancé/ex-wife from the
comics. She made a brief appearance in
the 1992 animated series, but hasn't appeared in Evolution yet. The opportunity to stick her with the role
of Yvette was just too good to pass up, even if she's not in the show.
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Ryo groans in frustration, rubbing her temples as the impending headache continues to grow with every word. Jean had been ranting for the past half hour on why she deserved a role in the show, including names of every single school play she had ever auditioned for.
After a time, Ryo gets an idea.
Ryo: Okay, Jeannie. You win. Now that I think about it, I've got just the role for you.
Jean pauses mid-sentence to blink in surprise.
Jean: …really?
Ryo: Sure. It's a singing part and everything!
Obviously having never seen the movie, Jean gets very excited at this but tries to keep cool.
Jean: Singing, huh? Sounds perfect. I knew you'd see the light.
Trying so desperately not to burst out laughing, Ryo points the red-haired girl off in the direction of the costumes just as Pyro re-enters the room, a giggling Wanda coming up right behind him.
Wanda: You say the funniest things, Johnny!
Everyone in the room simultaneously blinks.
Ryo: Whoa…out-of-character alert!
Pyro sighs.
Pyro: She ain't out-of-character. She's drunk. After only three beers, too.
Pietro: Um…that might be cause she's been in an asylum since she was eight and hasn't gotten used to alcohol yet.
Wanda: What was that?
Pietro: *quickly* Er…nothing.
As Pyro takes the younger girl off to get some coffee, Ryo bangs her head up against the table, but only succeeds in making her headache worse. As she looks up, she suddenly realizes that nearly everybody has had at least one drink.
Ryo: …can't you guys wait until after the scene?
Lance: Do you know what scene this is?
Ryo: Huh. Good point. Ah, well…might as well get it over with. TO THE SET, PEOPLE!
* * * * * *
Scott raises the metal partition in the dining room, glancing around the kitchen area.
Tabby stands in the study, giving instructions to most of the others.
Tabby: …make it look convincing.
Most of them stare at her incredulously.
Rogue: Ya're not serious…are ya?
Lance: Only you would come up with an idea like this, Tabs.
As Scott turns back into the dining room, Todd motions around him nervously.
Todd: So! This is the dining room.
Scott: No kidding…
With a bottle of scotch in one hand, Tabby grabs Pietro by his shirt sleeve.
Tabby: Come on.
Scott: What's going on in those two rooms?
Todd: Uh…which two rooms?
Scott pushes past him and walks into the hall.
Tabby, with Pietro in tow, runs frantically across the hallway. They enter the lounge and shut the door just as Scott appears, motioning towards the lounge and study doors.
Scott: Those two rooms.
Todd: Huh. Must've… er…missed those.
Todd is apparently at a lost for what to do. Scott strides towards the study door, but Todd blocks his path.
Todd: Officer. I don't think you should go in there.
Scott: Why not?
Todd: …'cause I said so?
Scott: Try again.
Scott walks around him, but Todd blocks the door with his entire body.
Todd: *dramatically* Because it's…all too shocking!
Rolling his eyes, Scott throws him aside and opens the door.
Music can be heard the background, more specifically the song "Life Could be a Dream" played on an old-fashioned record player.
Rogue is on the couch, on top of Remy. She uses her hand to move his arm and pretends to kiss him.
Remy: *smiling* Dis takes y' back, Chere, don' it?
Rogue: One more word outta ya an' Ah guarantee you'll neva have children.
Scott, mouth wide open, then sees Kitty and Fred apparently kissing against the far wall against the curtain. Before the rest of the audience has a heart attack, the camera pans over to reveal Lance behind the curtain—with the aid of a few dozen prop-wires, courtesy of Forge—propping Fred up between them. He attempts to wrap his arms around Kitty, but they aren't long enough.
Kitty: I think…I'm going…to hurl…
Lance: Me first.
Scott just stares at the scene before him, completely dumbfounded. His hands are dropped at his sides, his mouth is wide open, and he is hunched over slightly. If we could see his eyes, they'd probably be wide open, too.
Ryo: *off-screen* Er, Scott? …Scott?
After a moment's pause, a stick appears from off-screen and pokes him a couples times. Scott finally blinks—the first sign of life he shows since entering the room—and partially pulls himself together.
Scott: *forced* It's not all that…shocking. There folks are just having a good time.
Rogue/Lance/Kitty: [v/o] Speak for yourself!
Scott leaves the room, shuddering. Todd is sill staring at the guests in shock.
Tabby pouts a bit of drink into Kurt's mouth. He's propped up in a chair, drink in hand. The music can still be heard, but only faintly.
Lance and Kitty roll Fred's [still sleeping] body on to the couch.
Kitty: Oh…my…God…
She fans herself. Lance looks like he's about to hurl. She fans him, too.
Pietro takes Tabby onto the couch and pretends to kiss her. The lights flicker slightly, but since they're not really doing anything, nobody gets electrocuted. Scott enters.
Scott: Excuse me?
The two of them "pull apart," acting like they're been caught in the act.
Scott then notices Kurt. He leans into the "dead" boy's face, and sniffs.
Scott: This man's drunk. Dead drunk.
Tabby: *laughs nervously* Dead right.
Scott turns back to Kurt.
Scott: *loudly* You're not gonna drive home, are you?
Kurt winces at the volume.
Pietro: He won't be driving home, officer! I promise you that!
Tabby: Yeah.
Scott: Somebody will give him a lift, huh?
Tabby: Oh, we'll…we'll…get him a car.
Pietro: *grinning* A long, black car.
Tabby smacks him.
Tabby: A limousine.
Pietro again lowers Tabby to the couch. She gives off a little cry of surprise, yet can't help but smile.
Scott just stares at them.
Scott: You two are unbelievable.
Resting her head on Pietro's shoulder, Tabby grins and winks at him.
Pyro walks out of the library and leans against the door. He sighs in deep thought. Just then, Scott and Todd enter the hall from the lounge. Putting on a fake grin, Pyro stands up and walks over to them.
Pyro: Officer!
Scott: You're too late—I've seen it all.
Throughout the conversation, Todd is standing behind Scott so he can meet eyes with Pyro. He looks quick understandably mystified, yet relieved.
The smile disappears from Pyro's face, replaced with a look of horror.
Pyro: You have?
Scott: Believe me…I wish I haven't.
He shudders again.
Pyro: I can explain everything—
Scott: You don't have to.
Pyro: I don't? Whew…that's a relief!
Scott: Don't worry! There's nothing illegal about any of this. Morally indecent, yes. Illegal, no.
Pyro: *confused* Are you sure?
Scott: Of course! This is America!
Pyro: I see…
Scott claps Pyro on the shoulder.
Scott: It's a free country, don't you know that?
Pyro, who still doesn't quite understand, gives him an odd look.
Pyro: I didn't know it was THAT free.
Scott glances back at Todd, who tries to look innocent.
Todd: …um, God bless America?
Shaking his head, Scott turns back to Pyro.
Scott: May I use your phone now?
Pyro: Certainly!
He leads Scott into the library once more…and locks him in once more.
The guests start to emerge from their respective rooms into the hallway. The sound of painful moaning comes from inside the study by the time Rogue enters the doorway. She takes one last look inside.
Rogue: Ah warned ya about those hands, Swamp Rat.
With a satisfied smirk, she shuts the door behind her and walks over to join the others.
Todd: *to Pyro* Why did you lock him in again?
Pyro: *whispering* We haven't finished searching the house, yet.
Pietro: *whispering* Well, we're running out of time. Only fifteen minutes before the police come.
Todd: The police already came!
All: Shut up!
Pyro: Let's get on with it…
Belladonna: *to Todd* Monsieur?
The guests again split up into the same pairs as before to search the house. The music continues to play in the background.
Lance and Tabby enter the kitchen. At the bottom of the stairs, he turns to the nearest door and quickly opens it…only to have an ironing board hit him in the bead.
Tabby opens the door to the freezer and inspects it. Just as she grabs one of the meathooks, it turns in her grip and reveals another secret passage in the back of the freezer. She cries out in surprise.
Tabby: Look! I can't believe it; I wonder where this one goes.
Lance: Well, let's find out. Who knows; maybe there'll be another dead body on the other side.
Tabby: Don't even joke about that.
They step inside.
Seconds later, a large painting in the study swings open. Lance and Tabby emerge, realize where they are, and shrug.
Lance: Let's try the ballroom again.
Todd and Belladonna are still poking around in the attic.
The camera reveals a gloved hand pulling a lever down. All the electricity is shut off. The lights go out instantly, and the music stops.
Kitty, in the darkness, accidentally backs up into a boiler pipe. Thinking it's a person—Pietro, perhaps—she starts whacking it with her handbag.
Kitty: Ahh! Don't.*whack* You. *whack* Touch. *whack* Me! *whack*
Pietro looks on with wide eyes as the thick pipe gives in to her beating
Pietro: Whoa…remind me never to get on her bad side…
A gust of wind blows in through the second floor windows, shutting the door. Pyro yells in fright.
Rogue starts screaming in fright.
Belladonna is quietly descending the stairs. Rogue's screaming can still be heard.
Scott is still on the phone.
Scott: Hello? Hello? Oh, they did not just hang up on me!
Belladonna quietly slips into the billiard room. She tip-toes cautiously across the room in the dark. An unrecognizable voice is heard off-screen.
Voice: Shut the door. Did anyone recognize you?
Belladonna: …y' kiddin', right?
Lowering her voice to a whisper, Belladonna's French accent suddenly disappears.
Belladonna: They must have. And not just my face. They know every inch of my body. And they're not the only ones…
A noose suddenly flies onto her neck. She gasps in shock.
Belladonna: It's you!
She tries to pull it off, but the rope is just too strong.
Belladonna: *gasping* Not…so…tight…
Scott is still on the phone, whispering into the receiver.
Scott: There's something funny going on around here. I don't know what it is…nobody tells me anything!
The camera reveals the door handle being silently opened.
Scott: No, I'm not on duty. But I have a feeling that I'm in danger. You know that big, ugly house on top—
The lead pipe comes down softly on the phone cradle, disconnecting the call. We then see the pipe being raised behind Scott's head.
Scott: Hello? Hello?! Are you there?! Oh, fu—
The doorbell rings suddenly. The camera switches to a close-up view of the guests' faces, but it's too dark to see where they are.
The front door opens. Jean is standing there with a big smile as she strikes a pose. She is wearing what looks like a maroon-colored bellhop uniform, with all her hair piled underneath the hat.
Jean: *singing* Da-da—da-da—da-da! I…am…your singing telegram—
The gun fires. Jean slumps to the ground. Cheering can be heard off in the distance.
The door slams shut.
Todd is desperately trying to find a way out. He opens a door, only to have a bunch of useless junk fall on top of him.
Todd: *muffled* Not again!
A large jack-in-the-box suddenly pops open, nearly scaring Rogue out of her wits. After getting over the initial shock, she glares at the stupid clown-face, picks up the box, opens the window, and hurls it out.
Rogue: Ah've had enough!
Ryo: *off-screen* Rogue…please…
Rogue: Aww, damn. Ya had ta go an' use the "p" word, didn't ya?
Clearing her throat, she proceeds to scream bloody murder.
Hearing Rogue's cries for help, Pyro searches aimlessly around in the dark for a way to get to her.
Pyro: *shouting* I'm coming! I'm just…trying to find the door…
He reaches out and grabs a door handle, opening it and enters another part of the Master bedroom. Rogue is *still* screaming.
Pyro: Coming!
He reaches out, only to grasp another handle.
Pyro: What's this? Another door?
He twist the handle, expecting it to open…and promptly gets drenched in a downpour of water from the shower head.
Rogue: [v/o] *sarcastically* My hero.
Pyro bangs his head on the wall as the water continues to pour.
Seconds later, a very-wet Pyro sloshes down the steps. He runs over to the entrance of the cellar and pulls up the lever, restoring electricity to the house.
The record player slowly starts up again.
As the song ends, the entire party (minutes Belladonna, of course) slowly reassemble in the Hall.
They walk over to the billiard room entrance and look in from the hallway, seeing Belladonna's "corpse" lying on the pool table. Rogue can't help but smile.
Rogue: *sarcastically* Oh…what a shame.
Belladonna: Don' make me come over there…
Rogue: Ah'm shakin' in my stiletto heels.
Everybody else just walks away without another word. With one last glance, Rogue follows.
We then see everybody gather around the library entrance, where Scott is slumped over the table.
Todd: Two murders.
Lance: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Pietro slowly walks in and picks up the led pipe off the floor.
Pietro: Neither of them shot. I thought I heard a gun.
Rogue: Ah did.
Kitty: So did I.
Tabby: …I thought I heard the front door slam!
Lance: Oh, God…the murderer must have run out.
They all run to the front door and open it, only to see Jean's body lying on the ground.
Rogue: Huh. Go figure.
Pyro: Three murders!
Todd: Six, all together.
Pyro: This is getting serious.
All: …getting?!
He shrugs. They close the door and lock it.
The guests all walk back into the center of the main floor hallway where the broken chandelier sits.
Pyro: No gun. Yvette dropped it here.
Wiping away some of the water from his eyes, Pyro stands up straight.
Pyro: Very well…I know who did it.
Everybody turns to stare at him incredulously.
All: You DO?
Pyro: And furthermore, I'm going to tell you how it was all done. Follow me…
He calmly walks back into the library. The guests all follow.
* * * * * *
Ryo: Okay, that's a good place to leave it. Only three more scenes to go, people, and we're done!
There's a mass cheering as the characters all crowd back into the green room…all but one, that is.
Scott: Um…has anyone seen Jean?
They all look at one another, the simultaneously rush back to the front door. Jean is still lying there. Pietro leans down and takes her pulse.
Pietro: Still alive…wait, what's this?
He pulls a tiny dart from where her "gunshot" wound was supposed to be located.
Todd: Hmm…tranquilizer dart. Nice touch.
Lance: Well, she'll be out for a few hours, at the very least.
After placing the unconscious girl on the couch, everyone crowds back into the greenroom. Wanda is still giggling slightly and waves as they all enter.
Wanda: Hi, y'all!
Lance blinks.
Lance: That's…scary.
Fred: I'm hungry. Can we order a pizza in here?
Ryo goes to sit with Wanda over in one of the large armchairs by the cognac stash and pours herself a glass.
Ryo: Why not?
Rogue: Ah want peppers.
Pyro: Same here. Hot ones.
Lance: Mushrooms!
Pietro: Sausage!
Kitty: No meat.
Todd: How 'bout double pepperoni?
Kitty: I said no meat!
Todd: There's no meat in pepperoni!
Ryo groans at the Teen Titans reference, then turns to Wanda, the only person not involved in the Great Debate. She holds up her glass and clinks it with the girl's cup of coffee.
Ryo: Here's to you, and here's to me that we should never disagree…but should we ever not agree, to hell with you and here's to me! *downs the glass*