Okay, the only reason why this one took so long was because…well…it's longer than the other chapters. As in, easily three times longer than any other scene in the whole fic, but I just couldn't bring myself to cut it off in any particular spot. I was on a roll, people!
Oh, for any of you who are interested…I just finished reading the transcript for Dark Horizon Part I and II. Then I threw one of my infamous tantrums for about ten minutes over…well, something I said and knew was gonna happen, but really hoped wouldn't. I am going to die when I see it on television! No spoilers, though…that is, unless you want any. Romy fans, in particular, might. *hint, hint* If any of you are curious, E-mail me and I'll see if I can find you the site
_______________
Everyone, as usual, is gathered and waiting in the green room. Ryo appears in the doorway, director's beret on and megaphone in hand.
Ryo: Come on, people…we don't have time for a pre-scene scene this time. It's gonna be a long one.
Pyro stands up.
Pyro: *dramatically* I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Daniels.
Ryo smacks her forehead.
Ryo: Great…as if everything weren't messed up all ready, now they're starting to develop EGOS!
* * * * * *
As soon as everybody gathers inside, Pyro turns to address the group as a whole.
Pyro: In order to help you understand what happened, I shall need to take you through the events of the evening, step-by-step. At the start of the evening, Yvette was here, by herself, waiting to offer you all a glass of champagne.
He holds up the glass bottle for a visual, then starts to head the door.
Pyro: I was in the hall…
He pauses briefly.
Pyro: I know, because I was there. Then, I hurried across to the kitchen.
He starts running, motioning for the guests to follow him.
He enters the kitchen, guests in tow, and hardly pauses to take a breath.
Pyro: And the cook was in here, alive, sharpening knives, preparing for dinner. Nearly took my head off with one of those suckers, too. And then…
Pyro springs up to the front door, the guests following closely behind, as he proceeds to act out events.
Pyro: The doorbell rang…and it was you!
He points to Lance.
Lance: *nods* Yes.
He then moves back and forth, pretending to play the part of both himself and Lance.
Pyro: *rapidly* I-asked-you-for-your-coat-and-I-recognized-you-as-Colonel-Mustard-and-I-prevented-you-from-telling-your-real-name-because-I-didn't-want-any-of-you-to-use-any-name-other-than-your-psudonym-otherwise-the-movie-wouldn't-have-been-as-easily-associated-with-the-board-game-and-I-introduced-myself-to-you-as-a-butler-and-I-ran-across-the-hall-to-the-library!
With that, he sprints off again. Pietro is the only one who immediately follows, having followed every word. The other just kinda stare at one another for a moment before giving a group shrug and running after the other two.
Pyro takes them all back into the library, standing in the same spot as moments before.
Pyro: And then Yvette met you…and smiled…
He gives a cheesy, fake grin.
Pyro: …and poured you a drink.
He runs back out into the hallway, once more towards the front door.
Pyro: *still rapidly* And-the-doorbell-rang! And-it-was-Mrs.-White,-looking-pale-and-tragic—
He makes motions around his face to imitate the veil.
Rogue: Are ya implying something, fireboy?
Pyro: *still rapidly* Not-at-all…and-I-took-her-coat,-and-made-off!
He runs back to the library. Again.
Todd calls after him.
Todd: Will you make up your damn mind already!
He hardly waits for everybody to gather back inside before continuing.
Pyro: And I introduced you to Colonel Mustard…
He imitates them.
Pyro: "Hello." "Hello." …and I noticed that Mrs. White and Yvette…flinched!
Lance: Flinched…engaged in a short bitch-fight…same difference.
Rogue: An' may Ah remind y'all which of us is still alive?
Belladonna: *off-stage* I'm not dead, skunk-head. Just my character.
Rogue: Close enough.
Ryo: *off-stage* Get on with it! This scene's long enough already without half a page wasted on you two arguing…AGAIN!
Pyro: Then…there was a rumble of thunder, and a crash of lightning.
He demonstrates.
Pyro: And, to make a long story short—
All: Too late.
Pyro: —one by one, you all arrived.
He rushes back into the hallway, grabs the mallet…
Pyro: And then the gong was struck by the cook!
…and strikes the gong—magically repaired though the wonders of duct tape—once.
Pyro: And we went into the dining room!
They all rush into the dining room, where Pyro stands behind each of the chairs as he mentions where everyone sat.
Pyro: And Mrs. Peacock sat here…and Professor Plumb sat here…
He makes a slurping noise, pretending to take a sip of soup.
Pyro: …and Mrs. White sat here…
He does the same behind her chair.
Rogue: Are ya mocking us now?
Pyro: Not at all. And Mr. Green, Miss Scarlet, Colonel Mustard.
He points to their respective chairs, before indicating that at the head of the table.
Pyro: This chair was vacant. Anyway, we all revealed we'd all received a letter.
He starts pointing at various chairs.
Pyro: And you'd had a letter, and you'd had a letter, and you'd had a letter—
All: *irritated* Get ON with it!
Pyro: The point is…blackmail!
Todd: But all this came out after dinner—in the study!
He points out the door and across the hall. Pyro motions to him, eyes wide in realization.
Pyro: You're right!
He runs out the hallway. The other stare after him, before Lance smacks Todd upside the head.
Todd: Hey, what was that for?
Lance: He could've explained the whole thing in here, but noooo…
With a sigh, they all go running after Pryo.
We see a shot of everybody scrambling across the hallway, towards the study.
Pyro rushes around the room, pointing at different locations as he continues to speak with a quick-paced, breathless speed.
Pyro: Mr. Green stood here…and Mrs. Peacock here…and Miss Scarlet here…and Colonel Mustard here…and Mrs. White…and—
All: Get ON with it!!!
This time, it even sounds like people backstage are shouting along.
Pyro: I'm getting there, I'm getting there! Sheesh…kids today have NO patience. And Mr. Boddy went to get his surprise packages from the hall. And you all opened your presents.
He shuts the door.
Pyro: And Mr. Boddy switched out the lights.
He turns off the lights.
Pause.
Tabby: Um…we can still see.
Pyro: Picky, picky…
With a wave of his hand, the fireplace goes out. Again.
Pause.
Everybody screams.
The lights are flipped back on. Pyro is lying on the floor, pretending to be Remy's "dead" body. The guests, tired of all this, react with disgust until Pyro opens his eyes and jumps back up.
Pyro: Mr. Boddy lay on the floor, apparently dead.
Pietro steps forward.
Pietro: He was dead! I examined him!
Pyro: Then why was he bashed on the head a few minutes later with a candlestick if he was dead already?
Everyone turns to look at Rogue.
Rogue: …
They turn back to look at Pyro and Pietro.
Pietro: All right, I made a mistake.
Pyro: Right! But if so, why was Mr. Boddy pretending to be dead? It could only be because he realized his scene had misfired—no pun intended—and the gunshot was intended to kill him, not me. Look.
Pyro walks over to where Remy's "corpse" is still sitting on the couch, motioning towards the [fake] blood on one of his earlobes.
Pyro: The bullet grazed his ear. Clearly, his best way of escaping death was to pretend to be dead already.
Todd: Wait…if the gun grazed his ear, how could it have shattered a vase on the opposite side of the room?
Pyro: Less talk, you.
Pietro: So, whoever grabbed the gun from me in the dark was trying to kill him!
Pyro: But, remember what happened next….
He goes to the door, and picks up the glass from a table.
Pyro: Mrs. Peacock took a drink.
He pretends to chug a glass, then points to Pietro.
Pyro: You said, "Maybe it's poisoned!" She screams!
He pretends to scream, in falsetto (which sounds ridiculous, by the way), and takes Kitty by the arm. She (helpfully?) starts to scream like before. He gently sits her down on the couch.
Pyro: Mr.Green…
He slaps her. She immediately stops screaming, glare up at him, and slaps him back. He falls to the floor.
Pyro: *weakly* Yeah…kinda like that…
He shakes his head to clear it a few times, then jumps back up.
Pyro: Then—more screaming—Yvette—the billiard room! We all rushed out!
They proceed to do just that, Pyro still in the lead.
Everybody crowds around the doorway as Pyro moves to sit on the billiard table. We can just barely see Belladonna's "corpse" lying behind him.
Rogue: *grins* An' me without my camera, too…
But before Belladonna can say anything back, Pyro interrupts.
Pyro: But one of us…wasn't here. *nasally* No.
All: *mimic him* No?
Pyro: *nasally* No. *normal* Maybe one of us was murdering the cook. Who wasn't here with us?
Pause.
Todd: Do you know?
Pyro: I do.
Pause.
Todd: …are you gonna tell us?
Pyro: And risk spoiling the dramatic tension? I think not. While we stood here, trying to stop Yvette from panicking…
Kitty: …and bickering with Rogue.
Pyro: That, too.
He runs back out of the room, towards the study.
Pyro: …one of us could have stayed in the study, picked up the dagger…
He picks up a letter opener on the table, pretending it's the dagger.
Pyro runs down the hall with the "dagger" over his head as everybody watches him from the doorway of the billiard room.
Pyro: …run down the hall…
He runs into the kitchen, everybody else not too far behind.
Pyro: …and stabbed the cook!
He plunges the letter opener into a frozen chicken inside the freezer as everybody else makes it to the doorway.
Kitty: Oh, how could he risk it? We might have seen him running back.
Pyro: Not if they used…this secret passage.
He pushes the back of the freezer door to reveal the passageway. Kitty, among others, give a gasp of shock.
Pyro: And the murderer ran back down the secret passage to the study.
He leaves the kitchen, running back into the hallway…
…heading towards the study.
Rogue: *calls after him* Is that where it comes out?
Pyro: *yells back* Yes! Look!
He runs back into the study, over to the giant portrait, and pushes it open.
Todd: Wha--?
Lance: How did you know?
Pyro: I know all!
Everyone stares at him, disbelievingly.
Pyro: …okay, so the house belongs to a friend of mine. I've known all along.
Todd: So you could be the murderer.
Pyro laughs.
Pyro: Don't be ridiculous. If I was the murderer, why would I reveal to you how I did it?
Todd: I dunno…bragging rights, maybe?
The other nod.
Todd: Well…who else knew about the secret passage?
Tabby motions to Lance, smacking him in the chest. He winces at the blow.
Tabby: We found it. Colonel Mustard and me.
Lance: You mean you found it. You could have known about it all the time.
Tabby: But I didn't!
Kitty: Well, why should we believe you?
Pyro: Because she was with us all in the billiard room doorway while Yvette was screaming, don't you remember?
Kitty: What I don't understand is why was the cook murdered? He had nothing to do with Mr. Boddy!
Pyro: Of course he did.
Pyro takes a deep breath.
Pyro: I gathered you all here together because you were all implicated in Mr. Boddy's dastardly blackmail. Did none of you deduce that the others were involved, too?
They all stare at him blankly.
Pyro: …didn't you know the others were in on it?
Rogue: What others?
Pyro: The cook…and Yvette?
All: No!
Pyro: That's how he got all his information. Before he could blackmail anyone, Mr. Boddy had to discover their guilty secret. The cook and Yvette were his accomplices!
Lance: I see! So…whoever knew…that the cook was involved…killed her?
Rogue: He's learning.
Pyro: Yes.
Lance looks very pleased with himself.
Pyro: I know, because I was Mr. Boddy's butler, that the cook had worked for one of you.
He glares around suspiciously.
Everybody asks who it was, but instead he turns sharply to Rogue.
Pyro: You recognized Yvette, didn't you?
Rogue: …ya're kidding, right?
Pyro: Don't deny it.
Rogue: What do ya mean, "don't deny it?" Ah'm not denying anything!
She turns to walk away, but Pyro follows her.
Pyro: Another denial!
Rogue: No…Ah really meant it. It's true Ah knew Yvette…*mutters* little hussy thinks she can win Remy away from me…
Belladonna: *off-screen* We were engaged before he even knew you!
Rogue waves her hand dismissively.
Rogue: Details…details…
Pyro then turns to face Tabby.
Pyro: You knew Yvette, too, didn't you?
Tabby: …I did? Oh, yeah. Yes, she worked for me.
Next on Pyro's list is Lance.
Pyro: And you also knew her, sir. We've already established that you were one of Miss Scarlet's…"clients." That's why you were so desperate to get your hands on those negatives: photographs of you an Yvette in flagrante delicto, remember?
Lance turns beet red while Pietro and Tabby share a knowing glance before bursting out laughing.
Lance: Mr. Boddy threatened to send those pictures to my dear old mother. The shock would have killed her! …and just for the record, those were body doubles. BODY DOUBLES, you hear?! …stop laughing, you two!
Rogue: Ha. That would have been quite an achievement since ya told us that's she's dead already.
Lance is stumped, caught in a lie.
Rogue: *to Pyro* So, he had the motive.
Pyro: You all had a motive.
Lance: But where and when was Mr. Boddy killed?
Pyro: Don't you see?
He grabs Todd by the arm.
Pyro: Look, we came back to the study with Yvette. Mr. Boddy was on the floor…
He trips Todd, knocking him to the floor, pretending he's Remy.
Pyro: …pretending to be dead.
Todd moans from where he hit the ground.
Todd: *dazed* No…respect…
Pyro: But one of us noticed he's alive. So, I explained that I was Mr. Boddy's butler and I'd invited you here and we realized there was only one other person in the house…
All: The cook!
Everybody starts running back towards the kitchen through the hallway, but Pyro stays behind.
They all sprint up the hallway, towards the kitchen.
The guests enter the kitchen, breathless. Todd eagerly runs to the freezer, just as he did before…but when he turns around, Pyro's not there.
Todd: Well, where is he?
The freezer door creaks open.
Tabby screams.
Pyro, looking quite dead, topples out of the freezer. Todd sees this and, rolling his eyes, casually steps aside so that Pyro lands on the floor.
Lying on his back, Pyro opens his eyes to continue the explanation.
Pyro: That wasn't very nice, you know…Anyway. By now, he was dead. We laid him down, with our backs to the freezer. One of us slipped through the same secret passage—
Kitty: Again…?
Pyro: Of course! Back to the study!
They all run out.
Pyro sprints ahead of them and runs over the painting, acting as if he just entered through it.
Pyro: The murder was in the secret passage. Meanwhile, Mr. Boddy…
Once again, he throws Todd to the floor.
Pyro: …had been on the floor. He jumped up…
He helps Todd up, but then lets him fall again.
Pyro: …the murder came out of the secret panel, picked up the candlestick…
Pyro acts like he has the candlestick in his hands. Todd gets up, only to be faced with a threatening-looking Pyro. Pyro goes after him. Todd has a look of panic that might not be acting on the poor boy's face.
Pyro chases him into the hallway.
Pyro: Mr. Boddy followed us out of the study into the hall, looking for an escape.
Todd faces Pyro, trying to look for a place to run. Pyro takes the "candlestick" and dashes forward. Todd turns to run.
Pyro: The murderer crept up behind him…and killed him!
He brings his hand down on Todd's head, knocking him to the floor. Again. Todd jumps up angrily, taking off his fake glasses and getting right in Pyro's face.
Todd: Will you stop that!?
Pyro: No.
Pyro then grabs Todd, and drags him over towards the bathroom.
Pyro: Then…he threw him into the toilet!
Todd lets out a dramatic cry...
Todd: Noooooo….!
…as Pyro chucks him into the bathroom, shutting the door and leaning against the frame as he pretends to check his watch.
Pyro: And nonchalantly rejoined us beside the cook's body in the kitchen. It took less than half a minute.
Lance: So who wasn't there the entire time in the kitchen?
Tabby: And who the heck can move that fast…?
Everyone turns towards Pietro…then looks away, shaking their heads.
Tabby: No. Too easy.
Pyro: Whoever it was is the murderer!
He runs off.
Just then, we heard a toilet flush as Todd emerges, drying his hands on a dishtowel. He casually hands it to Lance and walks off. Lance stares after him, blinking in confusion.
Pyro runs back in the study and motions towards the weapons cupboard.
Pyro: And we put the weapons in the cupboard, locked it, and ran to the front door…
He runs out again, nearly colliding with the just-arriving guests in the doorway.
Pyro opens the front door, acting as if he's about to throw something out.
Pyro: …to throw away the key!
He pauses.
Pyro: The motorist!
He turns back to the crowd, making motions with his pocket as he speaks.
Pyro: I didn't throw the key away. I put it in my pocket. And someone could have taken it out of my pocket and substituted another!
Pietro: We were all in a huddle. Any one of us could have done that!
Todd: Yeah. Something like that isn't worthy of my incredible talents.
Pyro: Precisely!
The sound of barking is heard from outside, and a burst of flames appear from behind the door, nearly hitting Pyro.
Pyro: Yeow! *mutters* Damn dragon…
He shuts the door behind him, stomping off.
Todd: Wait a minute…Colonel Mustard has a top-secret Pentagon job. Mrs. White's husband is a nuclear physicist and…
He runs over to the billiard room door and points inside.
Todd: …Yvette is a link between them!
Tabby: So…what does that have to do with anything?
Todd: *shrugs* I dunno. Seemed worth mentioning.
Pietro turns to address Lance.
Pietro: What is your top-secret job, Colonel?
Pyro: I can tell you. He's working on the secret of the next fusion bomb.
Rogue gasps.
Lance: How did you know that?
Pyro: Can you keep a secret?
Lance leans in.
Lance: Yeah.
Pyro: *murmurs* So can I.
Kitty: So is this a plot between them, Wadsworth, or did Colonel Mustard do it alone?
Pyro: *mysteriously* We shall see…. Let's look at the other murders.
The group simultaneously groans when it becomes apparent that Pyro plans to drag this out as long as possible.
Pietro: Yes. Bad luck that that motorist arrived at that moment.
Pyro appears amused at this last comment.
Pyro: It wasn't luck. I invited him.
Girls: You did?!
Pyro: Of course. It's obvious. Everyone here tonight was either Mr. Boddy's victim or accomplice. Everyone who has died gave him vital information about one of you. I got them here so they'd give evidence against him and force him to confess.
Pietro: *snorts* Guess that plan went down the gutter pretty quickly, huh?
Tabby: Oh, yeah? What about that motorist? What kind of information did he have.
Lance speaks up, almost tearfully.
Lance: He was my driver during the war.
He collapses into a chair.
Pyro: And what was he holding over you?
Lance: He knew that I was a war profiteer…. I stole essential Air Force radio parts and I sold them on the black market. That is how I made all my money.
He looks up.
Lance: But that does not make me a murderer!
Kitty: Well, a lot of our airmen died because their radios didn't work!
Lance: …
Kitty: Was the policeman working for Mr. Boddy, too?
Tabby, standing right next to Kitty, speaks up.
Tabby: The cop was from Washington. He was on my payroll. I bribed him once a week so I could carry on with business. Mr. Boddy found out somehow…
She looks more annoyed at the fact than upset. Kitty looks at her, completely revolted.
Kitty: Oh, my God…
Tabby: Oh, please…*scoffs*
Todd: And…the singing telegram girl?
Outside, the rain has surprisingly stopped and all traces that would indicate it rained at all have evaporated. The guests all open the door, and stare down at the singing telegram girl's corpse…a.k.a. Jean's sleeping form.
Pietro: *quietly* She was my patient once. I had—
He's interrupted as Jean lets out a LOUD snore.
Pietro: I had an affair with her. That's how I lost my license. Mr. Boddy found that out, too.
Pause.
Lance: …you had an affair with JEAN?!
Pietro: Don't remind me.
He shudders.
Pyro: Well…
He claps his hands together.
Pyro: Let's put her in the study with the others.
The four guys carry Jean's body into the study, carelessly dumping her on the floor.
Pyro: So. Now you know why they died. Whoever killed Mr. Boddy also wanted his accomplices dead.
Pietro: How did the murderer know about them all? I mean, I admit that I had guessed that this little bitch…I mean, snitch…informed on me to Mr. Boddy, but I didn't know anything about any of you until this evening.
Pyro: First, the murder needed to get the weapons. Easy. He stole the key from my pocket. And then we all followed Colonel Mustard's suggestion that we split up and search the house.
Kitty: That's right, it was Colonel Mustard's suggestion!
Lance keeps his eyes glued to the floor, not wanting to see anyone glare accusingly at him.
Pyro: And one of us got away from his or her partner and hurried to the study. On the desk was the envelope from Mr. Boddy. It contained photographs and letters—evidence of Mr. Boddy's network of informants.
Rogue: Where is the envelope now?
Pyro: Gone. Destroyed.
He looks around, then steps to the fireplace.
Pyro: Perhaps in the fire…
He throws aside the grate and digs around in the ashes a bit.
Pyro: The only possible place.
Sure enough, he pulls out the remains of the taps made earlier.
Pyro: Ah ha! Told ya so. Then, having found out the whole story, the murderer went to the cupboard, unlocked it with the key, took out the wrench—
Tabby rushes out into the hallway, motioning inside the lounge.
Tabby: Then, we found the secret passage from the conservatory to the lounge…where we found the motorist dead!
Pyro: Hey, who's telling the story here. You or me?
Tabby rolls her eyes, motioning for him to continue.
Pyro: …and we couldn't get in. So Yvette ran to the open cupboard and shot the door open.
He turns around as if running to get the gun from the cupboard, then points his fingers at the lounge door.
Pyro: BANG! And then…the doorbell rang!
On cue, the doorbell rings!
Everyone freezes in terror.
Kitty: Oh, whoever it is, they gotta go away, or they'll be killed! Ohh!
She walks up the front steps and opens the front door.
Warren stands outside with a pamphlet in his hands. He sighs and turns to the camera.
Warren: I'm not getting paid enough for this.
Ryo: *off-screen* What do you care? You're rich! Now, say the line!
With a small groan, he puts on a fake smile to address the group.
Warren: Good evening. Have you ever given any though to the Kingdom of Heaven?
Everybody stares at him as if he sprouted wings…okay, bad example.
Kitty: …what?
Warren: Repent! The kingdom of heaven IS at hand!
Tabby: You ain't just whistlin' Dixie.
Warren: Armageddon is almost upon us!
Pietro: I got news for you; it's already here!
Kitty moves to shut the door on him.
Kitty: Go away!
Warren: But your souls are in danger!
Kitty: Our lives are in danger, you beatnik!
She closes the door, trapping many of his pamphlets in the doorway. Meanwhile, Pyro continues on as if nothing happened.
Pyro: The cop arrived next. We locked him in the library—
Todd: You locked him in the library.
Pyro: *ignores him* We forgot the cupboard with the weapons was now unlocked. Then, we split up again, and the murderer switched off the electricity!
He walks over to the cellar door entrance and pulls down the switch. Everything goes black.
Todd: [v/o] Oh, my God.
Rogue: [v/o] *panicky squeal*
Kitty: [v/o] *annoyed* Not again…
Tabby: [v/o] *rather pissed off* Turn on the lights!!!
Pyro turns back on the lights.
Pyro: Sorry. Didn't mean to frighten you.
Todd: You're a bit late for that! *to Rogue* I hate it when he does that!
She makes a sound similar to the breathless squeal heard in the darkness.
Pyro: Then, there were three more murders.
Lance: *sarcastically* Oh? You're not gonna go into detail on those murders, too?
Pyro: Well, if you insist—
All: *quickly* NO!
Rogue: So which of us killed them?
Pyro: None of us killed Mr. Boddy or the cook.
Todd/Rogue: So who did?
Pyro: The one person who wasn't with us.
The guests try to figure it out, Rogue and Todd looking at one another simultaneously with looks of realization on their faces.
Pyro: Yvette.
All: YVETTE?!
Rogue: AH KNEW IT!!!
~Flashback to: an image of Belladonna sitting on the pool table.
Pyro: [v/o] She heard the gunshot…
~Flashback to: Remy's "corpse" being turned on it's back.
Pyro: [v/o] …she thought he was dead.
~Flashback to: Everybody crowding around the broken vase and bullet hole.
Pyro: [v/o] And while we all examined the bullet hole, she crept into the study, picked up the dagger…
~Flashback to: Belladonna peeking in the door of the study, kneeling down, and grabbing the dagger off the floor.
Pyro: [v/o] …ran to the kitchen, and stabbed the cook.
~Flashback to: Belladonna stabbing Fred in the back. He lets out a silent scream.
Pyro: [v/o] We didn't hear the cook scream because Mrs. Peacock was screaming about the "poisoned" brandy.
~Flashback to: Kitty screaming in the study.
Pyro: [v/o] Then, Yvette returned to the billiard room. She screamed…and we all ran to her.
Cut to the present, where everybody is still standing in the hallway.
Lance: Well, when did she kill Mr. Boddy?
Pyro: When I said. We all ran to the kitchen to see the cook. Yvette hid in the study to check that Mr.Boddy was dead.
~Flashback to: Belladonna hiding behind a chair in the lounge. The following events occur just as Pyro describes them.
Pyro: [v/o] He got up and followed them down the hall, so she hit him on the head with a candlestick and dragged him to the toilet.
Back to the hall, present.
Tabby: Why?
Pyro: To create confusion.
Pietro: *sarcastically* But of course!
Kitty fans herself.
Kitty: *exasperated* It worked!
Lance nods in agreement.
Pietro: But why did she do it?
Pyro: Was it because she was acting under orders? …from the person who later killed her!?
Pietro: Who?!
Kitty: Who?!
Tabby: Who?!
Pyro slowly walks around the room, stopping at random guests.
Pyro: Was it one of her clients?
He turns to Lance.
Pyro: Or was it a jealous wife?
He walks passed Rogue.
Pyro: Or an adulterous doctor?
He addresses Pietro.
Pyro: No. It was her employer, Miss Scarlet!
Tabby stands up abruptly.
Tabby: That's a lie!
Pyro: Is it?
Lance: Huh. Didn't see that one coming.
Pyro stares her down accusingly.
Pyro: You used her, the way you always used her.
Tabby stares at him incredulously, mouth open in shock.
Pyro: You killed the motorist when we split up to search the house.
Tabby: How could I have known about the secret passage?
Pyro: Easy. Yvette told you.
Tabby: Oh, you just have aaaall the answers, don't you.
Pyro: Naturally. So, when we split up again…
~Flashback to: Tabby, wearing black gloves, as she turns off the electricity.
Pyro: [v/o]…you switched off the electricity. It was easy for you, here on the ground floor.
~Flashback to: a series of events occurring just as Pyro describes them.
Pyro: [v/o] Then, in the dark, you got the led pipe and the rope, strangled Yvette, ran to the library, killed the cop, picked up the gun where Yvette dropped it, opened the front door, recognized the singing telegram from her photograph, and shot her.
Cut back to the hall, present.
Tabby scoffs lightly.
Tabby: You've no proof.
Pyro: The gun is missing. Gentlemen, turn out your pockets. Ladies, empty your purses. Whoever has the gun is the murderer.
They all do as Pyro says. Suddenly, Tabby pulls out the revolver and points it as Wadsworth.
Tabby: *impressed* Brilliantly worked out, Wadsworth. I congratulate you.
Pyro shrugs off the praise.
Pyro: It was no big deal, really. I had help.
He holds up a copy of the script.
Ryo: *off-screen, dryly* Cute. Very cute.
Tabby starts to slowly make her way to the front door.
Lance: *VERY impressed* Me, too!
Tabby: Shut up!
He recoils in fear as she points the gun at him.
Todd: Now, there's one thing I don't understand.
Pietro: ONE thing?
Todd: Why did you do it? Half of Washington knows what kind of business you run. You were in no real danger. The whole town would be implicated if you were exposed!
Tabby: I don't think they know my real business. My business is secrets, and Yvette found them out for me.
She slowly saunters around the room.
Tabby: The secrets of Senator Peacock's defense committee…of Colonel Mustard's fusion bomb…Professor Plum's U.N. contacts…
She walks right up to Rogue.
Tabby: And the work of your husband, the nuclear physicist.
Todd: So it is political. You're a communist!
Tabby: *sighs* And that, people, is what we call "McCarthyism" No, Mr. Green. Communism is just a red herring. Like all members of the oldest profession, I'm a capitalist. And I'm gonna sell my secrets—your secrets—to the highest bidder.
Lance: And what if we don't cooperate.
Tabby: You will. Or I'll expose you.
Pietro: We could expose you. Six murders…?
She points the gun at him.
Tabby: …want me to make it seven?
Lance starts towards her, but halts in his tracks when she brings the revolver around to point it at him.
Lance: It's no good blackmailing me, madam. I have no more money!
The others agree, claiming the same thing.
Tabby: I know, sweetie pie. But you can pay me in government information.
She waves the gun around, motioning to the other guests.
Tabby: All of you.
She pauses, then walks over to Pyro, pointing the revolver at him.
Tabby: Except you, Wadsworth. You, as a mere butler, have no access to government secrets.
She cocks the gun at him.
Tabby: So, I'm afraid your moment has come.
Pyro remains calm, though he is now starring down the gun's barrel.
Pyro: Not so fast, Miss Scarlet. I do have a secret or two.
Tabby: Oh, yeah? Such as…?
Pyro: The game's up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.
Tabby: Oh, come on. You don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?
Pyro: It's not a trick.
He starts counting off the bullets on his fingers.
Pyro: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the study, two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram.
Tabby: That's not six.
Pyro: One plus two plus two plus one.
Pietro holds up a calculator.
Pietro: He's right.
Tabby thinks about this for a moment.
Tabby: Uh-uh. There was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus ONE plus one.
Pyro: Even if you are right, that would be one plus ONE plus two plus one, not one plus TWO plus one plus one.
The calculator in Pietro's hands starts to give off sparks as he tries to correct the calculations.
Tabby: Okay, fine. One plus two plus— *angered* Shut up! Point is, there's one bullet left in this gun and guess who's gonna get it?
Pyro: …do I get a hint?
The doorbell rings just then. As Tabby is briefly distracted by it, Pyro takes that opportunity to grab her arm with the gun, twisting it around her back and taking the gun. She is forced to kneel on the floor.
Tabby: Oh, come on…this is a new dress!
Todd leaps to the door and opens it. Taryn, Duncan, Amanda, Paul, and anybody else from the show who wasn't previously given a part rushes in, all dressed in police uniforms. They swarm the house.
Todd cowers by the closet in the foyer.
Lance holds his hands up, giving a half-hearted smile.
Lance: I'm only a guest!
Pyro, still holding onto Tabby, looks up.
Pyro: Where's the chief?
Warren steps through the doorway, gun in hand.
Warren: Now this is more like it.
Kitty stares, mouth open.
Kitty: You're kidding…
Warren: Ah, Wadsworth, well done. *to Tabby* I did warn you, my dear. Mr. Hoover is an expert on Armageddon.
Pyro pulls the girl to her feet. She turns to him sweetly.
Tabby: Wadsworth…don't hate me for trying to shoot you…
Pyro: Frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a damn.
He holds up the gun.
Pyro: As I was trying to tell you, there are no bullets left in this gun. You see?
He pulls the trigger, firing the sixth bullet. It hits the rope supporting another chandelier from the ceiling.
Pyro looks perplexed.
Tabby looks triumphant.
Tabby: Told ya so.
Pyro: *quietly* One plus two…
Tabby/Pyro: *correcting* ..plus one…
The camera switches to reveal Lance, who is trying to count on his fingers.
Lance: …plus two…plus one…is—
He's interrupted when the chandelier shatters on the floor, right behind him. He jumps in surprise.
Lance: HOLY SHI—
And the camera freezes on that particular shot.
*cue music*
A Jamie clone appears on-screen, holding a card that reads:
THAT'S WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED…
It runs back off-screen, replaced with another Jamie clone holding another card that reads:
…BUT HOW ABOUT THIS?
* * * * * *
Ryo: And…cut!
No sooner does she say that, when Pyro collapses to the floor in exhaustion. The others kinda just stare at him. After a moment, Ryo grabs a long stick and pokes his motionless form.
Ryo: He better not stay like this for too long…we've got two more scenes to do!