Ack! Summer homework is evil. I hafta read the Constitution, answer questions about it, and also read two other books for English class. Why can't these teachers leave us alone, huh?!?
As a side note for any of you interested, the only reason I managed to get this up tonight is because our house happens to be one of the lucky few on a power generators. That's also why this is so short; I didn't have much time to write. There's chaos in New York, people, I'll say that right now. We had to salvage what perishables from my mother's bakery that we could, and every business in town is closed. Fortunately, we're a small town and have been able to help one another make do until they figure out what happened to the power plants. I just feel so bad for those poor people in the city with 90 degree weather and no air conditioning…
_______________
The usual hustle and bustle that occurs behind-the-scenes was brought to a surprising halt when everybody realized it was time for the next time scene. Well…that, and the fact that St. John was still unconscious.
Pyro: *snore*
They tried dousing him with water, pouring coffee down his throat, poking him with numerous objects, and the promise of a 20% pay raise (not that it would have made much difference, as they weren't being paid to begin with, but…you know…). Nothing worked.
Ryo: This is ridiculous. I say he's faking it.
Wanda looks up from her book.
Wanda: Okay, I've got one last method. Hopefully, it'll work.
She clears her throat as the room goes silent.
Wanda: FIRE!!!
Pyro jumps up at this, eyes darting around enthusiastically.
Pyro: Fire?! Where?!
Wanda: *smirks* Works every time.
Ryo: Nice job, Wanda…TO THE SET, PEOPLE!
* * * * * *
The lights are turned back on, leaving everybody still standing in the hallway.
Pyro: *breathlessly* In the dark, the murderer ran across the hall to the study, picked up the rope and the lead pipe, ran to the billiard room, strangled Yvette…
He demonstrates on Rogue, grabbing her by the neck…and promptly falls unconscious.
Rogue looks down at his unconscious form, holding her head.
Rogue: Ya'd think he'd know better than that.
Ryo: *off-screen* Damnit! Not again! Wanda…
Wanda: *off-screen* FIRE!
Pyro jumps back up again.
Pyro: Now, where was I? Oh, yes…ran to the library and hit the cop on the head with the lead pipe. Then, coming out of the library, the doorbell rang—it was the singing telegram. The murderer picked up the gun where Yvette dropped it, ran to the door, opened it, recognized the girl from her picture, shot her…
He grabs Kitty's hand, leading her over to the cellar door.
Pyro: …and ran back to the cellar!
All: The cellar!
Pyro: Yes.
Kitty: But Colonel Mustard wasn't in the cellar.
He turns to her accusingly.
Pyro: No. But you were.
~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~
Ryo: *off-screen* Knock it off and stick to your script, Bobby!
Bobby: *off-screen* Sorry.
Kitty pauses to take off her fake glasses.
Kitty: …so?
Pyro: You murdered them all. You were the person who was missing when the cook and Mr. Boddy were murdered. And the cook used to be your cook! Don't you remember your fatal—no pun intended—mistake? You told us at dinner that we were eating on of your favorite recipes. And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington, D.C.
Todd walks by, looking sick.
Todd: Is that what we ate?
He covers his mouth and runs for the bathroom.
Lance: This from a guy who eats bugs.
Kitty: Why would I have murdered all of the others?
Pyro: Obviously, in case Mr. Boddy had told them about you.
Kitty: *sarcastically* Oh, obviously.
Pietro: So it has all nothing to do with the disappearing nuclear physicist and Colonel Mustard's work on the new fusion bomb.
Pyro grins, giving a slight chuckle.
Pyro: No. Communism was just a red herring.
Tabby: …anybody else getting a sense of déjà vu here?
Pyro: Mrs. Peacock did it all.
Everybody turns to stare at Kitty.
Kitty: There's no proof.
Pyro: Well. The gun is missing. Gentlemen, turn out your pockets. Ladies, empty your purses.
The camera shows Tabby opening hers, revealing no gun.
Tabby: …like I'd be stupid enough to make that mistake twice.
Pyro: Whoever has the gun is the murderer.
Kitty calmly opens up her purse and pulls out the gun, pointing it at Pyro.
Kitty: Very well. What do you propose to do about it?
She slowly begins to make her way to the front door.
Pyro: …nothing.
Kitty: Nothing?
Pyro: Nothing at all. I don't approve of murder. Mad destruction and chaos, yes. Murder, no. But it seems to me that you've done the world a service by ridding it of an appalling blackmailer and his disgusting informers.
Remy: *off-screen* Remy c'n still hear y'!
Belladonna/Fred/Scott/Kurt: *off-screen* So can we!
Jean adds to it by giving off a loud snore.
Todd: But…the police will be here any minute! What happens then?
Pyro: Why should the police come? Nobody's called them.
Everybody's shocked by this revelation.
Tabby: THEN WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT WHOLE "FIND THE MURDER IN THIRTY MINUTES BEFORE THE F^*&!#@ POLICE ARRIVE" ABOUT?!
Pyro: Um…bluff?
Kitty: You mean…
Pyro smiles.
Pyro: That's right. Now, I suggest that we stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly one at a time, and pretend that none of this has ever happened.
Kitty: Great idea! I'll leave first…if you don't mind.
The last part of her sentence holds more than a bit of sarcasm to it. She then uses the gun to wave the other guests into a group
Pyro: Be my guest. In fact, I think we all owe you a vote of thanks.
He starts singing in a surprisingly appealing baritone.
Pyro: *sings* For she's a jolly good fellow—
Kitty: a what?
Kitty waves the gun in warning. Pyro quickly chances lyrics.
Pyro: Er…*sings* female, for she's a jolly good FEMALE…
Kitty: That's better.
The others start to sing along as well, with Rouge harmonizing a bit.
Kitty, still cautiously holding the gun, slips out the front door. As soon as it shuts behind her, the party stops singing. They all sigh in relief, glad that the immediate danger is over.
Todd is the first to speak up.
Todd: *smugly* I TOLD you I didn't do it!
Everybody chooses to ignore him.
Lance: But what if the authorities find out what happened?
Pyro: The F.B.I. will take care of that.
Lance: You mean…?
Pyro: My phone call from Mr, Hoover? I work for him, of course. How else could I have known everything about you all?
Lance: There's still one thing I don't understand.
Rogue: ONE thing?
Tabby: huh…there's that feeling again…
Lance: Who was Mrs. Peacock taking bribes from?
Pyro: A foreign power. Her husband, the senator, has influence over defense contracts.
Pietro: Is there going to be a cover-up.
Pyro: Well, duh…
Pietro: But is the F.B.I. in the habit of cleaning up after multiple murder?
Pyro: Yes. Why do you think it's run by a man called "Hoover"?
~*rimshot*~
Everybody groans.
Outside the mansion, Kitty has taken her keys out and is getting ready to get into her car. Warren steps out onto the driveway.
Warren: Oh, Mrs. Peacock…?
Kitty: *cautiously* How did you know my name?
Warren: The kingdom of heaven IS at hand…
He suddenly whips out a gun and points it straight at her. Floodlights inside the bushes engage and cops (anyone not given a previous role) pour out of the yard.
Warren: Take her away!
Kitty: Take your hands off me! I'm the senator's wife!
The front doors open and the guests, Pyro in the lead, rush out to the porch.
Kitty: [v/o] I thought you said you never called the police!
Pyro: Psyche.
Warren stands there to greet them, calmly lighting a prop cigarette.
Warren: Wadsworth, we got her.
Pyro doesn't turn around, but addresses the group.
Pyro: You see? We're like the Mounties; we always get our man.
Todd: …Mrs. Peacock was a MAN?!
Rolling his eyes, Pyro slaps him. While Todd is still recovering, Lance does the same.
Pyro then turns to the guests.
Pyro: Would anyone care for fruit, or…dessert?
Everybody groans, as Rogue slaps her forehead.
The camera freezes.
~*Cue music*~
Another Jamie clone appears, holding a card that reads:
BUT HERE'S WHAT REALLY HAPPENED…
* * * * * *
Ryo: And…cut. Huh. She was right; that was a short one.
Evan: Well…it is her least favorite ending, after all.
Ryo: True. But the best is yet to come, people; the third—not to mention real ending. To both the movie, and the fic!
Everybody both on- and off-stage simultaneously cheers.
Ryo: …and while your waiting for the final chapter to come out, why not check out this awesome new parody by the authoress Fiora-da-Insane called "The X-Brothers" based on The Blues Brothers. Y'know, parodies seem to be a really big thing right now…
The intercom from the sound room crackles slightly.
Bobby: *speaker* You're not even gonna try being subtle, are you?
Ryo: Now where would be the fun in that? 'Sides, DragonBlond is about as subtle as a train wreck when she wants to be.
A piece of the fourth wall suddenly breaks apart, hitting Ryo on the head.
No insulting me using lines from my own fics!
Ryo rubs the back of her head in pain as she mutters to herself, glancing upwards.
Ryo: *mutters* One more chapter…just one more chapter….