Heh. I had a friend stay over last weekend, and guess which movie we rented?! It was pretty funny watching the original Clue, while imagining the Evo characters in their places. Poor Laura had no idea why I started cracking up every time a new character came on-screen….
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Ryo sits confidently in her director's chair, legs crossed, director's hat casually titled to one side, and her beloved bullhorn in one hand. Just like when this whole thing started. And just like when it started, she faces the camera with a wide grin on her face.
Ryo: Well, you knew it was bound to come sooner or later: the final chapter of Whodunit?
Cheering can be heard in the background; bits of confetti flutter on-camera.
Ryo: All will be revealed as we finally learn the answers to those burning questions: Who killed Mr. Boddy? Will the killer-slash-killers be brought to justice? And just what does "Furi Kuri" mean, anyway?
Evan: Um…Ry? Wrong show….
* * * * * *
Pyro turns the power back on in the mansion. The lights return, revealing the same scene as the first two endings.
Pyro: Sorry. Didn't mean to frighten anyone.
Todd: *shouts* You're a bit late for that!
Pyro: Then, there were three more murders.
All: So who did it?!
Pyro starts striding away, down the hall.
Pyro: Let's consider each murder one by one.
Everybody groans at this.
Lance: I think this guy just likes hearing the sound of his own voice.
Pietro: Well, that's understandable…
Pyro: Professor Plum, you knew that Mr. Boddy was still alive. Even psychiatrists can tell the difference between patients who are alive or dead. You fired the gun at him in the dark…and missed! So, you pretended he was dead. That's how you were able to kill him later unobserved.
A light goes on in Tabby's head.
Tabby: That's right! He was the missing person in the kitchen after we found the cook dead!
Pietro: Tattletale.
Todd: But he was with us in the billiard room when we found Yvette screaming. If that's when the cook was killed, how did he do it?
Pietro: I didn't!
Kitty: Oh, well, you don't expected us to believe that, do you?
Pyro turns around to face her.
Pyro: I expect you to believe it. You killed the cook. He used to be your cook, and he informed on you to Mr. Boddy.
Pyro enters the dining room and sits down in Kitty's chair from earlier, pretending to be seated for dinner. The guests all gather in the doorway.
Pyro: You made one fatal mistake; sitting here, at dinner, Mrs. Peacock told us that she was eating one of her favorite recipes.
He slowly stands up, glaring at her.
Pyro: And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington D.C.
Tabby: *rolls eyes* Ya, you told us that already…
Everybody turns to stare at Kitty, who promptly blushes.
Pietro: Didn't know you had it in ya, Kit-Kat!
Kitty: Humph. He deserved it. That bastard actually dared to insult my cooking by claiming his muffins were better than mine!
More than one person opens his/her mouth…but then decides it might be better *not* to say anything.
Fred: *off-stage* I said it before an' I'll say it again…never trust a skinny cook!
The party reenters the hallway. Pyro suddenly turns to Lance.
Pyro: Colonel Mustard, when we first saw the motorist at the front door…
~Flashback to: a view of the inside of the huddle when Kurt arrived. The rest of the events occur just as Pyro describes them.
Pyro: …you took the key to the weapons cupboard out of my pocket. Then we suggested that we all split up. You separated from Miss Scarlet, crossed the hall, opened the cupboard, took the wrench, ran to the conservatory, entered the lounge through the secret passage, killed the motorist with a blow on the head.
The camera cuts to the present, inside the lounge, where Pyro pretends to act out the murder.
Pyro: Like that!
Lance: Okay, smartass…how was I supposed to know about the secret passage, huh?
Pyro: …
Lance: …
Pyro: …
Lance: …
Pyro: …plothole?
Lance smacks his forehead with one hand.
Pyro then runs back into the hallway, grabbing Rogue by the [gloved] hand.
Rogue: This is incredible!
Pyro: Not so incredible as what happened next!
He starts running up the stairs, leaving Rogue as she trips over a step towards the bottom.
Pyro: After we all split up again, I went upstairs with you…yes, YOU, Mrs. White!
He stops at the landing, grabs hold of the pillar at the top of the stairs, and smoothly swings himself around on it so he faces the guests.
Pyro: And, while I was in the master bedroom…
~Flashback to: Rogue hurrying down the stairs while the lights were still on. The rest of the scene plays out just as Pyro describes it.
Pyro: You hurried downstairs and turned off the electricity, got the rope from the open cupboard, and throttled Yvette.
Cut to the present, in the Hallway. Everybody turns to stare at Rogue.
Rogue: …oh, don't act so surprised.
Pyro: You were jealous that your husband was schtuping Yvette. That's why you killed him, too!
Rogue, who had been on the stairs, makes her way down to the base so she can address the group.
Rogue: Yes. Yes, Ah did it. Ah killed Yvette…an' Ah'd do it again, too!
She starts giggling insanely to herself. A few of the others slowly inch away from her.
Evan: *off-screen* Aren't you gonna say anything, Ry?
Ryo: *off-screen* Actually, I like her version better.
After securing enough distance between himself and the slightly-insane Goth, Pyro continues.
Pyro: While you were in the billiard room…
Flashback to: the events occurring just as Pyro describes them.
Pyro: Miss Scarlet seized the opportunity and, under cover of darkness, got to the library, where she hit the cop—whom she'd been bribing—on the head with the lead pipe.
Cut to, present, in the hallway, where Pyro casually walks by and then turns around to face Tabby.
Pyro: True or False?
Tabby folds her arms, smiling in amazement.
Tabby: True! Who are you, Perry Mason?
Pietro: So it must have been Mr. Green who shot the singing telegram girl.
All eyes go to Todd, who widens his in alarm.
Todd: I didn't do it!
Lance: Well, there's nobody else left!
Todd: But I didn't do it! …the gun is missing! Whoever's got the gun shot the girl!
With a smug look, Pryo pulls the gun from his pants pocket.
Pyro: I shot her.
All but Todd: You?!
Todd stares at him knowingly.
Todd: So it was you. I was going to expose you.
Pyro: I know, so I chose to expose myself.
Lance: Please, there are ladies present!
Pyro: You thought Mr. Boddy was dead…but why? None of you even met him until tonight.
A light goes on in Todd's head. He opens his mouth wide in realization, pointing a finger at Pyro.
Todd: …you're Mr. Boddy!
Pyro grins and starts to chuckle evilly.
Lance: Huh. Yet another unexpected twist. Bummer.
Pietro: Wait a minute…
He zips to the study door and points inside.
Pietro: So who did I kill?
Pyro shrugs casually.
Pyro: My butler.
Pietro: *disappointedly* Shucks…
He snaps his fingers in defeat. Pyro casually uses the revolver to wave him back over to the group.
Pyro: He was expendable, like all of you.
Remy: *off-stage* Don' make Remy come out dere, fire boy.
Pyro casually walks by each of the guests, smiling in triumph.
Pyro: I'm grateful to you all for disposing of my network of spies and informers. Saved me a lot of trouble. Now there's no evidence against me.
Rogue: This all has nothing ta do with my disappearing nuclear physicist husband...or Colonel Mustard's work with the new, top-secret fusion bomb?
At this, Pyro gives a slight chuckle.
Pyro: No. Communism was just a red…herring.
Keeping his eyes on the guests, he quickly runs to the front door. The revolver is trained on the entire party.
Todd steps away from the rest of the guests.
Todd: But…the police will be here any minute! You'll never get away with this, any of you!
Pyro: Why should the police come? Nobody's called him.
Kitty: You mean…oh, my God, of course!
Pyro: So why shouldn't we get away with it? We'll stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly one at a time, and forget that any of this ever happened.
Todd takes off his glasses and starts to tuck him in his jacket's inside pocket.
Todd: And you'll just go on…blackmailing us all.
Pyro: Of course. Why not? I've already established I'm evil, haven't I?
Todd: Well, I'll tell you why not…
He suddenly whips out a pistol from inside his jacket, bends down on one knee, aims, and fires all in less than a second. Pyro tries to get off a shot, but isn't quick enough. He gets hit in the side of his abdomen, recoiling against the closet door.
Pyro: *shocked* Good shot, Green.
He slowly slides down to the floor until he's in a seating position. Then, Pyro pulls his hand away from the wound, revealing the [fake] blood pouring from his "chest," then back at Todd.
Pyro: Very good….
Leaning his head back against the door, he dies.
Todd stands up straight, lowering the pistol. Already, he shows an aura of confidence and control he didn't have before.
Todd: *smirking* Oh, yeah…who's da man?!
Rogue takes a step towards him, but he points the pistol at her.
Rogue: Are ya a cop?
Todd: *sarcastically* No, I'm a plant.
Tabby: *smirking* A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a "fruit."
He wrinkles his nose at her.
Todd: *dryly* Very funny.
With a quick glare towards the camera (or rather, the person behind it), he reaches into his jacket again, pulling out a badge.
Todd: F.B.I. That phone call from J. Edgar Hoover was for me.
He hops up to the front door and grabs the handle as he faces the rest of the group, grinning.
Todd: I told you I didn't do it!
He opens the door and cops pour in, guns raised. The remaining five guests all put their hands in the air.
Warren walks through the door and stands next to Todd.
Warren: Alright; whodunit?
The guests all start talking at once, trying to explain by blaming the other four.
Todd shouts above the din.
Todd: They all did it! But if you want to know who killed Mr. Boddy…
He motions towards Pyro's "corpse" off to the side. Warren nods, urging him to continue.
Todd: *grinning* I did. In the hall, with the revolver.
Warren pats him on the back, smirking.
Todd: Take 'em away chief. I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife…
The Camera freezes as Todd turns to leave, both he and Warren grinning.
~*cue music: "Shake Rattle and Roll"*~
[credits begin to roll]
Well, get out of that bed, wash your face and hands.
Get out of that bed, wash your face and hands
Well, get in that kitchen
Make some noise with the pots and pans.
MRS. PEACOCK: Kathryn "Kitty" Pryde
I believe it to my soul, you're the devil in nylon hose.
I believe it to my soul, you're the devil in nylon hose.
For the harder I work, the faster my money goes.
MRS. WHITE: Rogue…er…just "Rogue"
Well, I said shake, rattle and roll.
I said shake, rattle and roll.
I said shake, rattle and roll.
WADSWORTH: St. John "Pyro" Allerdyce
I said shake, rattle and roll.
Well, you won't do right
To save your doggone soul.
I'm like the one-eyed cat peeping in a seafood store.
PROFESSOR PLUM: Pietro Maximoff-Lehnsherr
I'm like the one-eyed cat peeping in a seafood store
Well, I can look at you, tell you ain't no child no more.
MR. GREEN: Todd Tolansky
I believe you're doing me wrong and now I know.
I believe you're doing me wrong and now I know.
'cause the harder I work, the faster my money goes.
COLONEL MUSTARD: Lance Alvers
Well, I said shake, rattle and roll.
I said shake, rattle and roll.
I said shake, rattle and roll.
I said shake, rattle and roll.
MISS SCARLET: Tabbitha Smith
Well, you won't do right
To save your doggone soul.
YVETTE: Belladonna Boudreaux
Play it again!
MR. BODDY: Remy LeBeau
I went over the hill, way down underneath.
I went over the hill, way down underneath.
You make me roll my eyes
And then you make me grit my teeth…
* * * * * *
As the music continues to play in the background, everybody on- and off-stage dances to the tune. Random partners were pulled out of thin air as they all tried their hand at swing-dancing—most of them, surprisingly good at it.
Well, I said shake, rattle and roll.
Shake, rattle and roll.
I said shake, rattle and roll.
I said shake, rattle and roll.
Well, you won't do right
To save your doggone soul.
As the music ends, everybody claps and cheers. Ryo turns towards the camera.
Ryo: See you all next time!
All but Ryo: …next time?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*sniff* Well, it had to end sooner or later, I guess. I'm gonna miss writing this thing; you have NO idea how much fun it was. But alas, not to fret! I've already begun ideas for another movie parody. It will definitely take some time, because there's more characters and the typecasting doesn't fit nearly as well as it did for Clue (I swear, I couldn't have made it fit any more perfectly if I tried). Not to mention, school's starting in less than two weeks. However, based on the reaction my MSN messenger chattin' buddy gave me when I told her about it, I have a feeling it's gonna be a hit. What is it? *grins* You'll just hafta wait and see…