Nostalgia

By kimetara

5th In-game POV

Disclaimer: Hasn't changed since last chapter.

          Here we are.  The Calm Lands.

          Both of my previous pilgrimages ended here.  One because the summoner gave up, and the other...well, it was long ago.  Yuna, I know, is strong enough to pass through the Calm Lands, and I am older now.  Older, wiser, and much more powerful in my art.

          At least, I hope I am.

          I watch with pride as Yuna yet again defeats Belgemine.  She is strong.  She will live to face Sin, I guarantee it.  Whether she will live after...I do not know.  Time grows short; we are so close to Zanarkand.  I almost wish that Yuna's pilgrimage will be stopped.  Or at least, lengthened.  Perhaps she will find that she is not yet ready to face Sin, that she needs to gather even more Aeons before fighting the creature.  It will only buy her – buy us all – time, but time is precious.  Even just a day more of life.

          Life...I wonder...

~~~~~

          "Whew!  That was one heck of a boss!" Tidus puffs.  I almost feel sorry for him; he had provoked Defender X to allow me to cast my spells without worry.

          Almost feel sorry.  "Are you alright?"  Yuna bends down next to Tidus and casts a quick Cura.  With that, he's able to walk to the blessed point to fully heal, as the rest of us already have.  Brilliant things, blessed points.  It's said that years ago, on the first pilgrimages, certain spots on different routes were infused with white magic, fully healing and restoring any traveler who touched them.

          Tidus and Yuna talk for a short while at the point, then he turns around.  "Let's go!"  Tidus straightens and walks away.

          "You're heading in the wrong direction," I report calmly.  He turns around.

          "This isn't the way in?"

          "That way leads down into the valley."  I don't bring myself to look at him.

          "Wow, you know your way around, ya?" Wakka asks.

          Know my way around...I could never forget.  I walk away.

          "Huh?"  Confused Wakka, as usual.

          Tidus, due to the "lure of the unknown," goes down in the valley anyway.  Naturally, we all follow.  Myself at the rear, as always.

          "Where are we?" Rikku asks wonderingly.

          I turn to look at the cave.  Dimly, I can see purple mists rising.  "The fayth is inside."  I nod slightly to myself.  "As are the fiends."

          Wakka blinks.  I can tell he's putting two and two together.  "Hey.  This where...?"

          I nod.

          "Where what?" Tidus asks.  Wakka glances at me, unsure whether to say anything.

          There's no use hiding it.  "The summoner I guarded on my first pilgrimage...died here." They all fall silent, a few staring at me, a few averting their gaze.  I can see they don't know how to react, so I'll react for them.  "Yuna, let's go.  The fayth awaits."

          Yuna nods and enters the cave; Kimahri, Tidus, Rikku, and Auron follow.  I wait, and Wakka waits as well.

          For a moment he just watches me, trying to see whether I am as okay as I seem to be.  I must have passed his inspection, because he doesn't say anything, just turns around and walk away.

          I sigh.  I don't know myself, whether I am truly okay.  But my summoner is waiting.

          We enter a cavern, and then another, but this one...has a strange feel to it.  A touch of the Farplane.

          "Peh!  Another Guado fiend?" Wakka demands.

          "No.  An unsent," is Kimahri's reply.  Strange.  I didn't know he could recognize an unsent.

          Pyreflies flit around the room.  Beautiful as they are, out of the Farplane they rarely represent something good.  And in this place...  I ready myself.

          However, the outline of a woman slowly forms.  An outline...  My eyes widen, and I almost unconsciously I step forward.

          "It is...  It's you, is it not, Lady Ginnem?"  I pause.  She doesn't deny it.
          I bow my head.  The memories...are so painful.  "Forgive me. I was too young," I murmur.  I was twelve when I guarded her, ten long years ago, before the Calm of Lord Braska.

          Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Sir Auron nodding to Yuna, and Yuna stepping forward for a sending.  Lady Ginnem lowers her arm sharply, much as I do casting one of my magic spells, and the room glows.  It's as if the air was sucked from the cavern, and Yuna stops.

          It is as I feared.  "There is no human left in you now, is there?" I ask softly.  Lady Ginnem lowers her arm again, slower this time.

          "Very well, then," I look down, but I force myself to lift my gaze.  I owe her at least that much.  "Allow me to perform my last duty to you.  My last as your guardian."

          She's gone.  I myself dealt the finishing blow to her Aeon, and now...she's gone.

          "Strange. I thought it would be sadder, somehow," I think aloud.  My eyes are slightly wet, and I dry them on my sleeve.  "Maybe I've gotten used to farewells."

          "You're stronger now."  Wakka's voice resonates through the room.  I don't look at him, and I know he isn't looking at me.  I appreciate being given my privacy.

          "Wakka."  I'm not sure what to say.  I...  "I hope you're right."  Composed once again, I turn to face Yuna.  "Yuna, the fayth is inside. Go do what you came to do."

          She leaves to pray with the fayth, and the others follow.  I know that from here, she will be alright without me, so I sit down and put my face in my hands.  Lady Ginnem is at rest.  I have fulfilled my final duty.  It doesn't make me feel much better.

          "Lu?"

          I stiffen automatically, but relax when I realize it's only Wakka.  I wouldn't stand revealing my grief before any of the others, but Wakka...he has already seen me feel.  Not to my full extent – I am always alone at those points – but more than this.

          "Thank you."

          "For what?" Wakka asks.  He really does become confused easily.

          "For saying that I'm stronger."

          He sits down next to me.  "Hey, no problem."

          Water still leaks from my eyes, and I'm forced to wipe them away again.  "I don't know if you're right though."  I wrap my arms around my knees, my Cactuar Scope watching me anxiously from my lap.  "Maybe I just...don't feel good-byes as deeply anymore."

          "Huh?"

          "Maybe I'm simply becoming numb," I speak softly.  I am always so reserved...perhaps that's what I've become.  Cold, the whole way through.  "Pain, death...everywhere, you see death in Spira.  We have all learned to deal with it, to accept death and move on.  And yet...I don't wish to become numb to the pain.  I don't want to forget...how to feel."

          "Eh..."  Wakka looks around anxiously, as if he expects the dirt floor to give him a response.  "Lu..."  He bows his head.  "I don't know.  Like you said, death is everywhere.  Damn Sin," he curses, but continues on.  "Sometimes, I don't know if I really feel everything either, you know?  Sometimes it's just, 'so, another village got destroyed today,' and it doesn't bother me more than losing at blitz."  He shrugs.  "That's why you gotta be careful who you get attached to, ya?"  Wakka waves his hand dismissively in the air.  "Anyway Lu...what I'm saying is, we're all like that.  But look, if we all ripped ourselves up every time someone close to us died...well, we probably wouldn't be here now, ya?  You know what I'm saying?"

          "...I know."  I close my eyes and nod.  "You're smarter than you let on."

          "Hey~!" Wakka protests.  I smile slightly and stand up.

          "The others are probably waiting for us.  Shall we go?"

          "Yeah, you know they need me, ya?"  He puffs up arrogantly.  I roll my eyes.

          "Please."

          We meet up with Kimahri, Sir Auron, and Rikku, and wait for Tidus and Yuna.  Eventually, the two come out.

          "Well guys, this Aeon's cut into our purses a bit," Tidus announces.  I look at Yuna.

          "What does he mean?"

          "...it cost over 200,000 gil for him to agree to join us," Yuna admits quietly.

          Sir Auron laughs before we can say anything.  "Yojimbo...he always did love his money."

          "Yeah, no kidding.  200,000 gil..."  Wakka shakes his head.

          "It's not very much.  A trifle amount, really."

          "Huh?"  Tidus stares at me.

          "We still have 50,000 gil to live off of.  That's plenty, for now.  Besides,"  I turn towards the entrance, "200,000 is cheap for Yojimbo.  I've heard he's charged over 500,000 to some."  With that, I leave the cavern, and the others follow.

          "He must've liked us!" I can hear Rikku declare.

          "Why wouldn't he?" Tidus replies.  "But I wonder what he does with all that gil...isn't he dead?"

          "Don't ask me!"

          Those two...  I shake my head, but smile.

~~~~~

          We've now begun our long trek up Mt. Gagazet.  It's a new road, one I am unfamiliar with, but I know all its lore, as with the other areas we've traveled to.  We're lucky to have gained the approval of the Ronso, especially being branded as traitors by Yevon.  Yuna has indeed grown.

          After a while, we reach a large boulder, with a spear standing next to it.  "These mark the graves of summoners and guardians who failed," I announce quietly.  Yuna kneels down and says a short prayer, and we trek further up the mountain path.

          There are many hard battles, and no sign of a blessed point.  "They're sure keepin' us busy!" Wakka complains.

          "Better than freezing to death," is Sir Auron's reply.  Nobody can deny its truth, but we are all becoming weary.

          Finally, Tidus bends over, hands on his knees.

          "I'm beat.  How about a break?" he asks.  Yuna looks around at everyone, and we stay quiet.  A rest would be welcome.

          "A little further," Sir Auron orders.  We walk behind him as he leads the way to a slightly more sheltered dip in the wall.

          "This will do."  I lift my hand, and a wall of ice forms, enlarging the cover the wall already provides.  I can see Tidus, Rikku, and Wakka staring.

          "Whoa, I didn't know you could do that!" Tidus exclaims.

          "Not all of my power is destructive," I reply calmly, then turn away.

          I can hear Sir Auron behind me.  "We rest here.  For a little while."  Everyone nods and sits down.

          I walk a distance from the group into the snow and let my gaze travel over the mountain.  I don't need the shelter very much; as mentioned before I have become immune to nearly all types of weather.  It comes from having the magic of fire, ice, thunder, and water running through your veins.  And ice is my favorite of the four.

          Zanarkand lies just beyond these peaks...

          This entire quest has taken less than half a year.  Amazing, how attached I have become to so many people in such a short time.  I should watch my affections more closely...but this is a strong group.  All of us.  Yuna will succeed.  She has grown much stronger, stronger than Father Zuke, stronger than Lady Ginnem...

          "Thinking?"  Sir Auron's voice cuts smoothly through my mind.

          "Correct."

          We stand together a little longer, looking out into the mountain.

          "What about?"

          I close my eyes.  "Sir Auron.  Have you...ever failed?"

          "Not in the way you have."

          A sigh.  "Of course not," I murmur.  Sir Auron's answer is painfully blunt, but I expected such a reply.

          It's silent again.

          "...I was...lucky," he finally says.

          "Hmm?"  I give him a questioning glance, but he's still observing the mountain.

          "My first summoner defeated Sin.  A very unusual chance."

          "..."  My eyes return to Mt. Gagazet.  "You were – are – a very capable guardian."

          He laughs quietly into his coat collar.  "A capable summoner would be closer."

          "Perhaps."

          He turns to face me.  "You shouldn't concern yourself with previous matters.  As I told Yuna before – dwelling in the past is futile."

          I lift my chin a little higher, although I keep my gaze on the mountain.  "Often the past hides lessons for the future."

          "Hmph.  ...so, you'd argue even with me."

          Is that amusement in his voice?  "I respect you very much, Sir Auron.  However, I will always 'argue' for my beliefs, no matter who you may be."

          "I see."  I get the feeling he's smirking in that coat of his.

          "Are you laughing at me?"  I turn my head to face him and lift an eyebrow.

          "Jecht once said never to laugh at a beautiful woman, or at least, never admit it."  Sir Auron chuckles, albeit a touch bitterly, to himself.  "So no, of course not."

          "You're not very reassuring," I chide gently.  "But thank you."

          He ignores my reply.  "Aren't you cold?"

          What a sudden subject change, but I've become fairly used to his abrupt ways of talking.  "A little.  I enjoy it.  It helps me to feel more."  I'm not sure why I told him that.  Maybe because I know he'll understand.

          Sure enough, Sir Auron nods.  "Invigorating, isn't it?  The wind on your face, the tingle in your skin...makes you forget.  For a while."

          "Exactly.  I couldn't have said it better myself."

          "That's quite the compliment, coming from you."  I know he's laughing now.

          "Laughing at me again?  Very well, I'll refrain from ever praising you," I reply pertly.

          "You shouldn't take offense so easily."  His good eye locks with my unhidden one, and I swear I feel a tingle running through my spine...a shiver completely separate from the snow.  "Life is short.  Don't waste it being angry."

         Were it anyone else, being commanded in such a way would have infuriated me.  With Sir Auron...  "I know.  I can't seem to help it."

          He steps a little closer to me, probing my eyes, my soul.  "You hide too much of yourself.  All the fury, the grief..." he takes my chin and lifts my face slightly, probing deeper.  For a moment, I'm reminded of when he did this to Rikku; yet, it was different then, he was searching her appearance, not her spirit.

          "You bury it deep within yourself, but it's eating away at you," he murmurs, half to himself.  His gruff voice brings me back to the present.  "Let it go sometime, Lulu."

          "Sometime," I whisper, averting my eyes away.  He's still holding my face, still watching me.  "After...the pilgrimage."  He looks skeptical.  "I promise."

          "...as you wish."  He lets me go and walks away.

          I can tell he's displeased by my decision.  But I won't risk weakening until after...after Yuna faces Sin.

          But for now, thank you, Sir Auron.

          "You are indeed a legendary guardian," I murmur.  The icy wind carries my words away.

AN: Review please?  (Why do I have this little AN?  I've found people tend to review more often if you remind them, lol)