Beyond the Darkness

By kimetara

10th In-game POV

          I kept your sword for you.

          I guess you couldn't take it when you left for the Farplane.

          Can't take material possessions.  I know.

          ...why didn't you tell me?

          I can understand why you went.  But why didn't you tell me?

          I didn't cry when you left.

          I didn't cry when I saw the pyreflies, didn't cry when you walked past me, didn't cry when Yuna sent you.

          I've learned how to speak with a happy lilt in my voice, without anger or bitterness.  I can smile and encourage, if only for the others' sake.

          I suppose I've become stronger.  But then again...

          They don't know that when I sleep at night, my pillow's wet in the darkness.  They don't know about these moonlight walks on the Besaid shore.

          I want to go to Guadosalam.

          Almost unconsciously, I step into the ocean, the cold waters sweeping over my feet, over the fringe of my dress.  It doesn't matter.  This dress was built for sandy shorelines.

          I stop myself from wading completely into the sea.  I wonder, if I tried, could I swim the way?

          How ridiculous.  I'd drown before I reached Kilika.

          And yet...it has been long enough.

          Six months since the day.  I've kept track.  Of course, everyone has, it was the day Sin was defeated forever.  A memorable holiday.  Too bad it was tainted by two deaths.

          You know what I mean.

          It has been long enough.

          I'm back on the S.S. Liki.  They let me go; I told them there was something I needed to return.

          Besides...they wouldn't have stopped me had I not given any reason at all.  They all saw the look in my eyes.  But an excuse helped their curiosity.

          I suspect they believe I will go to Kilika and come back.  I hope they won't worry when I don't return so quickly.

          I know Yuna won't.  Kimahri or Rikku either.  Wakka...

          He thinks about me too much.  Wakka is always worrying over me.  Lately, I've started finding his concern stifling, and have been snapping at him more than usual.

          I understand why he's so concerned.  I know he's in love with me.  That doesn't mean I reciprocate the feelings.  I know that on that first visit to the Farplane, I considered, but now...well, things have changed.

          Yes.  Spira, for the first time in 1000 years, has changed.  Evolved into a new world.

          Better than the last?  Certainly.  Very few things are worse than a monster destroying lives.  But also still flawed.

          I can see it, the beginning ties of struggles for power.  So faint, but they're growing.  Without the common fear of Sin to unite the people, we are pulling apart, striving for our own accomplishments, to better others in our company.

          It is very sad, to see Spira falling apart.  Sad, yet expected from the human nature.

          Of course, nobody else realizes this, except perhaps for Kimahri and Rikku.  And nobody will realize this for yet another decade, or slightly more, when they truly become adjusted and believe that Sin is gone once and for all.  And then, maybe, minor squabbles will arise, and they will be settled, and then larger arguments will be heard, and they will be stifled, and it will all bubble underneath until it finally boils over.

          And at the first war, the rest of the world will recoil in horror, and then try desperately to return back to the peace of before.  And for a while, things will be better than ever.  And then it will happen again, and it won't cause such a dramatic reaction, and again, and over and over until finally, Spira becomes used to such things, and then the true battles will commence.

          But that will take many, many years.  Hopefully beyond my lifetime.

          I shake my head.  I have had too much time for idle thought, staring over the boat's railing at the ocean.  I descend down into my cabin, the Masamune leaning against my wall.

          Finally.  I'm here.

          I enter Guadosalam.  They hardly glance at me, their eyes listless and thoughts lost.

          Don't be foolish, I want to tell them.  As long as you're alive, you can redeem yourselves.

          But I keep my mouth closed and my nose in my own business, and I pull the Masamune through the underground city.

          "Excuse me, do you need help?" a Guado asks me politely as he sees me struggling with the huge sword.  I nod.

          "Yes.  Thank you."

          "You're welcome."  He takes it, although not easily, but considerably easier than I.  "To the Farplane?"

          "Yes."  I don't ask how he knows, although I suspect that a lifetime of watching people come to say good-bye have intuned these creatures into such matters.  He walks ahead, and I follow.  Up the path, up the stairs, into the bubble.  "This is enough.  Thank you.  Here," I pull my purse out of my pocket.  The Guado shakes his head.

          "It's alright.  We have been trying to atone for our previous misgivings.  We remember you, and hope that you forgive our past mistakes."  He bows to me and leaves.  Perhaps the Guado as not so lost after all.

          Well...here I am.  This is where it started, and this is where it ends.  I call Lady Ginnem first, saving him for last.

          "Hello," I speak softly.  "I...am still not whole, but I have become much closer to who I wish to be.  Are you happy?  I tried my best, to protect Yuna."  I close my eyes.  "I hope...you are at peace."

          My thoughts shift, and when I look up, he appears before me.

          "So...you're really gone, then," I swallow.  His image doesn't move, doesn't flicker.  As strong and solid as ever.  "I knew. I just didn't want to admit it.  That's why I stopped asking you, after Bevelle.  I suppose I hoped that if I never faced it, it wouldn't be true."  I drop my head, the braids sliding softly over my shoulders.  "I...brought your sword."  Yes.  Focus.  I push the sword over the edge, and watch as it disappears into misty clouds.

         "...we never spoke again to each other, after that moment in Besaid.  I'm sorry for that."  I shake my head.  "But I don't regret what happened.  Maybe...it hurts more, knowing what could have been."  I lift my gaze to his form, eyes burning and my chest tight, but there are no tears yet.  "Still, at least for a moment, I had you."

          "Why didn't you tell me?"  I laugh, a strange, twisted sound.  "It all comes back to that, doesn't it?  Why didn't you tell me?"  I would have left you alone.  I wouldn't have had to try to figure out what happened here, I wouldn't have tried to talk to you, I wouldn't have started to love you.  And you would not have begun talking to me, would have not have 'practiced'.

          "Why did you talk to me?" I ask now.  "You never believed my excuse for 'practice,' I know."  A pyrefly flits past my eyes as I gaze up at his still form.  Only an image.  "You were selfish," I whisper.

          "You wanted me to love you.  And you wanted to love in return.  You wanted to feel."  I remember what you told me on Mt. Gagazet.  "You wanted to be alive."

          "But that tugging from the Farplane never left you; you knew it would never stop trying to pull you in.  And you were tired of constantly fighting it."  The dead should be allowed to rest.  "So in the end, you knew that when this was all over, you would leave."  And when it seemed that you had succeeded, you achieved the love you wanted, you realized.  "You...never thought I could love you until then, did you?"  What sort of logic is that?  "You set yourself up for a fall and found out that the cliff's edge didn't crumble.  Were you trying to torture yourself?"

          "Or maybe I'm not giving you enough credit," I continue.  "Maybe you knew what you were doing, the entire time.  You always did seem to be planning...giving only enough information as you deemed necessary.  Perhaps you realized that you were slowly pulling me in, even though it was a dead-end street."  Dead-end.  Hah.  "It sounds heartless, but I know you.  Heartlessness is simply another form of your planning."

          Of course, there's no answer.  Most likely, I'll never know.

          "I forgive you."  Selfish...you loved me even when you knew you would not last.  But I forgive you.  "Besides...you have done enough, for all of us.  All of your promises kept, Sir Auron."  I smile painfully and close my eyes.

          Drop that absurd title.

          My eyes open slowly.  I hadn't expected a response, but I know...it's just a memory.  Still, "Very well."

          Time passes and I don't move, just watching his rippling image.  "...you were always talking about stories and dreams.  But dreams are supposed to come true, and stories have happy endings," I whisper, more to myself than anyone else.  "You were truly a knight out of a fairy tale.  Bold, dashing, courteous and loyal to the extreme.  But the fairy tales always end in 'happily ever after.'  Then again, I suppose I'm no sweet princess, hmm?" I smile again, tears stinging my eyes.  They still won't fall.

          "It doesn't matter now, does it?"  A pyrefly flits past my nose.  "Perhaps you've found your happily ever after.  You have earned it.  As for myself...I know that after the night, morning will always come."

          Still not enough.

          "What do you want from me?!"  The anguished cry bursts from my lips, and for a split second, I'm thankful the Farplane is empty.  "Why won't you let me go?" I plead.

          No response.  There wouldn't be.

          What was I hoping for?  That this, being the miraculous Sir Auron, would somehow enable him to speak with me from the Farplane?  That there would be some sort of miraculous revival?  That maybe giving him back his sword, a piece of the living, would bring him back?

          "This is foolish," I whisper.  "Folly.  Why am I here?"  My voice is rising uncontrollably.  "Why did I come here?  Why am I always pulled here?"

          "It's not fair!"  The childish proclamation screams itself out, and I can feel the pressure in my eyes rising.  "I always lose those important to me.  Every time I start to become close..."  My anger bursts, and I use Flare on that floating image of him.  It scatters, then reforms, almost as if mocking my efforts.  Pyreflies flit wildly around my face, blowing my bangs gently back, and shame fills me.  I wrap my arms around my stomach, weeping.

          "I'm sorry."

          I stand there and cry silently, tears making their slow path down my face, my head bowed.  Eventually, they slow and fade away, and I wipe my eyes dry.  "I'm being selfish now," I say quietly.  "I know there are others that have lost even more than I.  What's gone is gone."  I face him and lift my chin.  "I have already learned how to move on, many times over.  With my parents, with Lady Ginnem, with Chappu, and even with Sin.  I hope that you will be my last tragedy," I address him coolly, my walls firmly in place.

          You bury it deep within yourself, but it's eating away at you.  Let it go sometime, Lulu.

          "I remember.  Is that you want?"  I lift a hand to my forehead.  "You just...won't make this easy, will you Auron?  You always did complicate things."

          I sigh and spread my arms.  "There is nothing to let go," I tell him simply.  "I have buried and hidden for so long, that it what there is.  I can't make myself let go anymore.  I don't know how."  You could have done that for me.
          ...but you're not.  You're not going to jump out and help me, you're not going to come and soothe my pain away.  You're not even going to speak to me.  It doesn't matter that we helped to save the world, you and I.  It doesn't mean I'll be receiving special treatment, that I'll be gifted with a miracle.

          A pyrefly brushes past my cheek.  "I know.  I made a promise," I sigh.  "And you've always kept your promises.  I'll keep mine.  I'll find a way."  I smile now, wistfully, but without bitterness, without pain.  "I think...this will be my last visit, at least for a long while.  Good-bye, Auron."

          I turn around and walk slowly out of the Farplane, down the steps, and out of Guadosalam.

AN: In retrospect, I'm fairly certain Lulu knew ahead of time that Auron was an unsent (due to her protest of "Not now!" at the end), along with Yuna, Kimahri, and Tidus.  But, this was written before I came to that realization, so...yes.  Sorry about that.

And...no real "action" or sap in this fic, heh.  Again, sorry for any disappointment.  Epilogue's only thing left...