Chapter Five
Cosette: *banging on the door of Timmy and Gavroche's playroom* For the last time, I don't want any more parents! For heaven's sake, I've had five already!
Eponine: *looking bored* Give it up, Lark. We've tried everything--these people are just insane.
Cosette: But why have they brought us here?
Eponine: They think we're orphans who need to be taken care of.
Cosette: That's ridiculous! We're not children! Why, I'll be a married woman as soon as I can talk Papa into letting me leave the house!
Eponine: *rolls her eyes*
Cosette: Wait a minute…*lights up* That's it! *begins to feel along the sides of the walls* No…*taps at the wall* No, no good…no…Aha!…whoops, no…begins to crawl alongside the walls, tapping as she goes*
Eponine: Ugh. I can't believe I was thrown over for this loon.
Cosette: Hush! You'll thank me when we're all free!
Eponine: *to her brother* Gavroche, what is she doing?
Gavroche: *still in a trance before the TV* Mmm…Pokemon…Pixie Sticks…action figures…
Eponine: *sigh* It's tough being the only sane one in the room. *turns back to a project she's been using to pass the time--a bunch of love notes to Marius made of letters she cut and pasted from various magazines*
Cosette: Aha! Here we go! *pushes one of the large planks in the wall aside* Heh heh! Come on, let's get out of here!
Eponine: How did you know that was there?
Cosette: Every house has a good place for sneaking out--you just have to know where to look. How do you think I kept my sanity back home? If I'd really spent the past nine years with no one but St. Valjean and that old lady with the stutter for company, I'd be in the nuthouse by now! Come on, let's go!
Eponine: *her dormant hostility rising to the surface* I'm not going anywhere with you, you man-stealer!
Cosette: Man-stealer!
Eponine: Yes, man-stealer! Don't play dumb! I'm talking about Marius!
Cosette: I didn't steal him! He chose to become my stalker of his own free will!
Eponine: You see! A stalker! He's perfect for me! And then you had to come in and ruin everything!
Cosette: Did not!
Eponine: Did too!
Cosette: Did not!
Eponine: Did too! *shoves Cosette*
*A scuffle involving a lot of scratching and hair pulling ensues*
Gavroche: Hey, keep it down! Some of us are trying to learn to play Nintendo!
*Somebody (it's hard to tell who by this point) knocks him over)*
Gavroche: *clutches his head, shutting his eyes tightly* Something---familiar---about this! Gamin instincts…taking over! *jumps into the fray*
Cosette: Ow! Eponine, stop!
Eponine: Not until you let go of my neck!
Cosette: What are you talking about? I'm not choking you! And quit pulling my hair!
Eponine: I'm not pulling your hair!
Cosette: *suspicious* Wait a minute…*They pause long enough for the dust to clear, revealing Gavroche with his fists raised*
Eponine: Gavroche!
Cosette: Oh, I'm so sorry, little boy!
Eponine: Are you alright, Gav?
Gavroche: *now properly dirty and ragged, smiling broadly* It's so good to be back to normal! *goes over to a wall mirror to make sure his hair is messy enough*
Mrs. Trimble: *opens door* Children? I heard noises. *looks them over* Have you kids been fighting? That's it--you've earned yourselves a time out. And there'll be no after-school softball for a week!
Eponine: *backs away slowly* Uh, Lark, can we put our personal differences aside just this once?
Cosette: *hastily* Yes!
Gavroche: *eagerly waiting with a coil of rope* Yippee!
*The three advance on their poor foster mother in unison, stuff a handkerchief in her mouth, tie her hands together, and stuff her in the fold out sofa*
Mrs. Trimble: Help! Timmy, sweetheart, call 911!
Timmy: *rises and walks over to the counter*
Mrs. Trimble: *hopeful* That's it! That's it! Good boy!
Timmy: *picks up the remote and wanders back over to the TV*
Mrs. Trimble: NO!
Cosette: *claps her hands* Hey, we make a pretty good team
Eponine: *shrugs* Yeah, I guess you're not so bad after all
*They shake hands*
Gavroche: *ushers the girls toward the escape passage* Good, good everyone's all friends, now let's get out of this dump! *pauses to grab several Pixie Sticks as they all duck out*
Back at the nuthouse…
Javert: *standing guard over Marius with a nightstick he has somehow managed to smuggle into the cell* Stay back, 24601
Marius: *with a death-grip on Javert's sleeve* Th-th-that's right…good inspector…protect the nice young bourgeois gentleman…protect the nice young bourgeois gentleman…
Javert: *sigh* Monsieur Pontmercy, would you please let go of me?
Marius: *blushes* Well, I suppose…*takes another glance at the rabid Valjean* N-no! *tightens his hold*
Valjean: *rolls his eyes* Oh, please. The inspector is no match for me! I've beaten him up loads of times
Javert: *reddens* Tell the world, why don't you?!
Marius: *his eyes pinched shut* Protect the nice young bourgeois gentleman…protect the nice young bourgeois gentleman…
Valjean: *raises an eyebrow* Nice bourgeois gentleman? Don't make me laugh! I've read all about you in Cosette's diary. You're a revolutionary!
Javert: *rounds on Marius fiercely* You what?
Marius: I--
Javert: *advances on him menacingly* Why, I ought to--
Valjean: Let's get him!
Marius: I--I--
Javert: You keep out of this, 24601! He's my prisoner!
Valjean: *sarcastic* Right, right. Just like I'm your prisoner.
Javert: Don't ever mock me in front of my other prisoners! *jumps on Valjean*
Marius: *leaps to his defense* Hey, you can't treat my beloved Cosette's father like that!
Valjean: *fuming* Beloved!? Why you little--AGH!!! *tackles Marius*
Marius: Eck! *turning a lovely shade of blue* Help! *kicks and sputters helplessly*
Javert: HEY! Stop that! I don't get my bonus if I my prisoners aren't delivered intact! *rushes at them*
Doctor: *opens cell door* What is the meaning of this?
Valjean: *his hands around Marius' throat* He's been flirting with my daughter!
Javert: *his hands around Valjean's throat* He's been mocking the law!
Marius: *cough* *wheeze*
*A squadron of orderlies with baseball bats manages to pry them apart*
Doctor: *frazzled* I know what might do us all some good. A nice round of group therapy
Javert: No!
Valjean: No!
Marius: *mumbles unintelligibly through an oxygen mask*
Doctor: It's all settled, then! *smiles* I'll see you in the therapy room in ten minutes. *closes door* That'll give me time to get a drink beforehand…
Ten Minutes Later…
Doctor: Alright, for starters, let's have everyone get up and say his name
Marius: But, Doctor, we already know each other
Doctor: Shut up. I just got out of med school. I'm trying to follow the agenda they had in the textbook
Marius: Is that why you're reading off of your hand?
Doctor: *takes a deep breath* Why don't you go first? *points to Valjean*
Valjean: *stands* Alright, well, I'm Jean Valjean…among other things…*sits*
Doctor: Hello, Jean. Pleasure to meet you. And you? *points to Javert*
Javert: *rises* I'm Inspector Javert *sits*
Doctor: And what's your first name?
Javert: *mumbles*
Doctor: I beg your pardon?
Javert: *sheepish* Kalderasha-Stevo!
Valjean: Kalda-who?
Javert: *defensive* Well, what did you expect? I'm a Gypsy, you know.
Doctor: *pats Javert on the back soothingly* It's a very nice name. *gestures to Marius* And you?
Marius: I'm Baron Marius Pontmercy
Doctor: Pleased to meet you. So, what seems to be the problem between you three gentlemen?
Valjean: He's been flirting with my daughter! *jumps on Marius*
Javert: He's been mocking the law! *jumps on Valjean*
Marius: *cough* *wheeze*
Doctor: Jean, Marius, Kalderasha-Stevo! Please! We've been through this already! *pulls them apart* Now, one at a time. Jean?
Jean Valjean: *growls* That damned boy is trying to steal my daughter!
Doctor: Now, now, he has a name, Jean.
Valjean: *grates the name out under his breath* Marius is trying to steal my daughter.
Doctor: Thank you *beams* Now, Marius, why are you trying to steal Jean's daughter?
Marius: *sniffle* I'm doing no such thing! For heaven's sake, I just want to marry her, not kidnap her!
Valjean: Oh, really? You could have fooled me, running around stalking the poor little darling for a year!
Marius: Well, maybe if you didn't lock her away like a prisoner, I wouldn't have had to become a stalker!
Valjean: I was hoping that certain persons would realize that I installed the locks for a reason and take the bloody hint!
Marius: Well, I'm supposed to be the romantic hero! I have to fall in love with someone!
Doctor: *claps his hands* Good! Very good, gentlemen, I think we've made some real progress. Now, on to *looks at his clipboard* Kalderasha-Stevo. Kalderasha-Stevo?
Javert: *sulkily* 24601, he--
Doctor: *shakes a finger sternly* Now, what did I tell you about names?
Javert: *glare* Valjean broke the law
Doctor: *pause* And?
Javert: And what? He broke the law! End of story!
Doctor: Well, what does that have to do with you?
Javert: I am a representative of the law. It is my job to see that he is punished.
Doctor: Well, yeah, but do you have to drive yourself into the nuthouse in the process?
Javert: You sound just like my mother.
Doctor: Ahh. Interesting. What about your mother?
Javert: She didn't have any respect for the law either! Good thing I got away from her before…before…*his lower lip begins to tremble*
Valjean: Javert? Are you okay?
Javert: *sobs into his straight jacket*
Doctor: What's the matter? Did something happen between you and your mother?
Javert: N-no *sniffle* I was just thinking…about when…she…died! *bawls pitifully*
Marius: *pats Javert on the shoulder* That's rough. I know how you feel. My mother's dead, too.
Valjean: *sniff* Mine too! *scoops them both into a hug* Aw, shucks!
Marius: I feel strangely close to you two!
Javert: Me too! Aw, come here, guys…
Doctor: I think we've had a breakthrough!