Chapter Seven
The mental hospital has erupted into a riot. Valjean, Javert, and Marius are trying to fight their way through the chaos, with little luck.
Javert: *dodges various projectiles and debris* Valjean, you idiot, why did you have to unlock all the other cells on the way downstairs? We could have been out of here by now!
Valjean: But they all looked so pitiful, stuck behind those bars. You know I can never say no to someone pitiful.
Javert: *disgusted* This is why you'll never---*ducks as a lamp comes flying toward his head* Damned lunatics! That's it! *raises his nightstick and begins beating a path toward the nearest exit* Move it! Coming through! Get out of my way!
Valjean: *follows* Sorry about him *smiles apologetically at the wounded inmates*
Javert: *shoves Valjean* Shut up and move! The sooner we get back to Paris, the sooner I can put you back into prison where you belong.
Marius: *follows Javert and Valjean with Walter at his heels* Sure is a relief to see them getting back to normal, huh Walter?
Walter: *ruff*
Javert: *reaches the front door* Finally! *unlocks it*
Enjolras: *bursts through the door, wearing dark glasses and a submachine gun* Not so fast!
Valjean: Who are you?
Laigle: *appears behind Enjolras, Joly at his side* Agents Laigle, Joly, and Enjolras, FBI. *flashes a badge*
Joly: We heard there was a riot in progress here. Riots are our specialty, so we came right over.
Enjolras: *shouts at the crowd* Order! There will be order here! All of you, back into your cells!
Inmate #1: *sneers* Make us!
Inmate #2: *dangling from a light fixture* Hehehehehehehe! What're you gonna do if we don't?
Enjolras: *flashes his trademark glare*
The rioting inmates immediately begin to shriek and run back into their cells
Enjolras: *dusts himself off arrogantly* Still got it. And as for you three… *glances back at Valjean, Marius, and Javert* Wait a minute…Kalderasha?
Laigle: Enjolras, you know this person?
Javert: *takes a closer look at Enjolras* Boboko! Is it really you, little brother? *hugs Enjolras*
Enjolras: *pulls free* Get away from me, you horrible man!
Javert: But Boboko, little brother--
Enjolras: *turns away, his face stony* I have no brother!
Javert: *bitter* Ah. So, it's still that, is it? You're too good for our family! You don't want to be the son of a convict! You're ashamed of being a Gypsy!
Enjolras: *glowers angrily* Oh, stop it!
Javert: Stop what?
Enjolras: Stop skirting the real issue! You know perfectly well why I really disowned you!
Joly: Why is that?
Enjolras: Because eight years ago, he washed my vest in water too hot for wool! Look! *pulls off his FBI jacket, revealing his usual red vest underneath* It's a whole size smaller than it used to be! I had to lose five pounds just to fit into it properly!
Laigle, Joly, and Marius: *blink, blink*
Enjolras: *suddenly realizes that three of his followers are watching* Oh…uh…but mostly because he's a deluded servant of our oppressors.
Javert: Boboko, you--
Enjolras: *desperate to reclaim some dignity* Shut up! You're under arrest! *cuffs Javert* Let's go!
Javert: *momentarily stunned into submission* What are you…but…b-but…I'm not supposed to get arrested. I'm supposed to arrest others!
Laigle: Our first capture!
Joly: *helps Enjolras get Javert into their black FBI car* Maybe they'll finally give me that job in the biological warfare lab, now that we've proven our worth
Laigle: You want to work in a germ lab? But why?
Joly: Have you seen those marvelous germ-proof suits they give the people who work in those labs? Airtight rubber jumpsuit, sealed helmet, and sterilized shoes scrubbed with bleach. *lights up like a child a Christmas* Mmm…maybe they'd let me take it home on weekends…
Valjean: *watches from the doorway with a knowing smile* Perhaps this will be a good experience for Javert. He'll be able to get a taste of his own medicine for a change. But I'd better go along, and make sure he doesn't get himself into trouble. *climbs into the car*
Marius: *crawls in next to him* Wait for me, Monsieur Fauchelevent! I'm coming with you. If something were to happen to you, Cosette would never forgive me!
Valjean: *shoots him a look that could burn a hole into a brick wall* This whole ordeal has really worn me out, so instead of killing you, I'm just going to do this *whacks him upside the head with Javert's fallen nightstick*
Walter: *jumps onto Marius' lap* Ruff, ruff, ruff!
Marius: *shuts the door* Of course, Walter. I'd never leave you behind.
Enjolras: *hops into the driver's seat* Let's roll
Javert: But Boboko, I'm your brother!
Laigle: *slips into the front seat* Why does he keep calling you Boboko?
Enjolras: *buckles his seatbelt* That's my first name
Joly: *climbs in beside Laigle* Uh…it is?
Enjolras: Of course. What did you think?
Joly: Oh…I don't know. I guess you always seemed more like a Marcelin to me.
Enjolras: No. Marcelin's not a proper Romany name. It's Boboko *drives away from the nuthouse*
Laigle: Are you sure it's not Marcelin? Maybe there was some sort of mistake on your birth certificate.
Enjolras: No.
Laigle: Can't we just call you Marcelin?
Enjolras: No!
They are interrupted by the sound of rocks hitting the side of the car
Enjolras: *annoyed* What now? *jumps out of the car* All right, you little wretches! What's the meaning of this?
He comes face to face with Eponine and Gavroche, each holding several large rocks
Gavroche: *stops in mid-throw* Enjolras?
Enjolras: *groans* Gamin! I should have known! *grabs him by the shoulder* I'm going to lock you up and throw away the key!
Javert: *pokes his head out the window* Oh, no you don't! I have first dibs on the gamin! He cut off my ponytail!
Enjolras: You mean you want to have little Gavroche put in jail?
Javert: Yes!
Enjolras: *evil grin* Well, gamin, in that case, you're free to go
Javert: *slumps back into the car, pouting*
Eponine: We're sorry about your car, Monsieur Enjolras. You see, we were walking down the street an hour or two ago with a frrrrr….with a friii…frrrr…. *winces, as if in pain*
Gavroche: *nudges her* Come on, Eponine. I know you can say it
Eponine: With a f-frrr-friend…named Cosette Fauchelevent. Then, all of a sudden, a black van with tinted windows, like yours, comes along. A couple of men jumped out, pulled her inside, and drove off with her.
Laigle: *pops up through the sunroof* A kidnapping?
Joly: *joins him* This looks like a job for the FBI!
Enjolras: Hop in, Mlle. Thenardier. You too, Gavroche.
Eponine: *climbs into the backseat, coming face to face with…* Monsieur Marius! *jumps into his lap and flings her arms around his neck*
Marius: *choke* *cough* Hello, Eponine.
Eponine: *oblivious to the fact that her embrace is strangling him* Thank God I've found you! I'll be safe as long as I'm with my Marius *leans against him dreamily*
Valjean: *turns green*
Gavroche: * sits beside his sister and makes fake vomiting noises*
Marius: *doing his best to discreetly squirm away from her* I couldn't help but overhear you mention Cosette.
Valjean: *pushes Marius aside* Yes, where is she? Is she all right?
Eponine: I don't know. We had just escaped from our deranged foster family, and were looking around town for Monsieur Marius--
Valjean: Why?
Eponine: *drapes herself over Marius once more* We knew he would be able to get us home somehow, what with all of his intelligence, and bravery, and youthfully handsome good looks…*besotted sigh*
Gavroche: *eyeroll* I just went along to make sure they didn't walk into a wall or something while they were busy arguing over what they liked best about him.
Marius: *leans as far away from her as he politely can* Ahem. Yes. Go on.
Eponine: Well, we were walking down the street, when all of a sudden, we ran across this place called a dating agency. The sign on the door claimed that the people inside had technology that would be able to find the man of our dreams in under an hour. We figured that was way faster than we would be able to find you on our own, so we went inside and asked them to help us
Marius: Yes?
Eponine: When we gave them your name and description and asked them to track you down, though, they didn't do anything. Everyone just stood around looking at us as if we were insane. Finally, Cosette and I figured out that they weren't going to help us because they wanted to keep you for themselves.
Marius: *quirks eyebrow* Uh…I see…Go on.
Eponine: So we went back outside to resume the search, when a van like this one pulled up. Two men jumped out, snatched Cosette, and sped off again. We still don't know who they are or what they wanted with her.
Marius: *gasp* Cosette!
Valjean: *gasp* My poor little girl!
Walter: *bark*
Eponine: The only clue they left us was this business card we found on the ground. And it didn't really make any sense to me.
Gavroche: *snatches it* Wait a minute! Let me see that card again! *looks it over* Of course!
Valjean: What? What does it say?
Gavroche: *reads it aloud* Carlton Henserdorffer the Third, producer, The Oprah Winfrey Show
Marius: What's that?
Gavroche: I saw some commercials for it on TV, back at the Trimble place. As far as I can tell, it's some program where women come on TV to advertise their autobiographies and talk about how liberated they are.
Enjolras: Liberated, huh? Sounds like my kind of program! To Hollywood! *steps on the accelerator*
At the studio:
Oprah: *cheesy smile and wave* Thank you, thank you. Next, we'll take a look at a courageous young woman who found the strength to survive through a very difficult situation. Fantine, come on out!
*Wild applause*
Fantine: *wearing a ridiculously expensive foreign dress, with her hair heavily sprayed and styled to look halfway passable* Thank you, everyone *blushes shyly* But actually, I didn't survive
Oprah: *cough* Uh…right. Take a seat
Fantine: *sits*
Oprah: So, Ms.--what was your last name?
Fantine: I don't have one
Audience: *murmurs doubtfully*
Suit #3: *peeks out from backstage* She's like Cher
Audience: Oh! *murmurs approvingly*
Oprah: So, Fantine, tell us about yourself
Fantine: *hesitant smile* Well, I was brought up in an orphanage--
Audience: *sympathetic* Awww!
Fantine: But it got to be too crowded, so I had to leave when I was fourteen. I got a job in a factory, where I was able to earn a comfortable living--
Audience: *cheers and whistles*
Fantine: Then, one day I met a nice young man name Felix Tholomyes--
Audience: Awww!
Fantine: And we had a daughter named Cosette--
Audience: Awww!
Fantine: Then he went off and abandoned us
Audience: Boo! *spits and hisses, various profanity being blocked by beeping machine*
Fantine: *wary* You mean you aren't going to ostracize me for having a child out of wedlock? Everyone else does
Audience: *sympathetic* Awww!
Fantine: So, anyway, after he abandoned us--
Audience: Boo!
Fantine: Nobody would hire me, because of my daughter--
Audience: Boo!
Fantine: So, I was forced to leave her with two awful foster parents--
Audience: *sympathetic* Awww!
Fantine: And I never saw her again *sniffle*
Audience: Awww!
Oprah: *sneaky smile* Well, Fantine, my hired goons have been hard at work, searching the country for your daughter. Cosette, come on out!
Cosette: *clambers onto the stage, slightly blinded by the bright lights* Maman!
Fantine: Cosette! *runs to embrace her*
Audience: Awww! *applause*
Fantine: Are you well, dear? Did the Thenardiers take good care of you?
Cosette: Why do you ask?
Fantine: Because your eyes look a little funny. Kind of like you might have a concussion
Cosette: Oh, that. Well, the men who brought me here clubbed me over the head when they kidnapped me.
Fantine: *horrified* Kidnapped?!
Oprah: *looks nervous* Go to a commercial! Go to a commercial!
Enjolras: *bursts through the door, with Marius, Joly, Laigle, Valjean, Eponine, and Gavroche in tow* Agent Enjolras, FBI! *flashes badge* Oprah Winfrey, you're under arrest for conspiracy to commit kidnapping!
Cosette: *notices Marius and runs to him* Marius!
Marius: Sugarplum! *runs to Cosette*
They fall into each others' arms, with "Love Is A Many Splendored Thing" playing somewhere offstage
Audience: Awww!
Cosette: I knew you'd come for me, Marius! *notices Walter* And who's this?
Walter: *bark, bark*
Cosette: Pleased to meet you, Walter. *notices Valjean standing behind Marius, poised to strike him in the brainstem with Javert's nightstick* Daddy! Put that down!
Valjean: But I--
Cosette: Not a word! You can't just keep beating up all my boyfriends!
Marius: *suspicious* All? What do you mean, all?
Cosette: *nervous laugh* But that's all in the past, isn't it? Maman, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Marius Pontmercy.
Marius: *bows politely* Hello
Fantine: *looks him over* So, you're my daughter's boyfriend
Marius: Yes, ma'am
Fantine: *eyes him suspiciously* And what do you do?
Marius: I'm a washed up lawyer and half-hearted revolutionary
Fantine: Do you earn enough money doing that to support a family?
Marius: I don't know
Valjean: Will that kind of life provide an environment stable enough for my daughter?
Marius: I-I-I…
Cosette: Maman, Papa, leave him alone
Fantine: You didn't answer the question! Are you trying to avoid commitment? You wouldn't be planning to…I don't know…say, *gets up in his face* ABANDON MY DAUGHTER AND GRANDDAUGHTER!!!
Marius: *stumbles backwards* You haven't got any granddaughter yet--
Valjean: *grabs him by the collar* Don't change the subject, boy!
Cosette: Mama! Papa! You're embarrassing me! *pulls Marius free* Don't mind them, darling.
Eponine: *pulls him aside* You know, Monsieur Marius, one point in my favor is that my parents don't care what I do.
Enjolras: *standing nearby, holding Oprah in handcuffs* Everybody be quiet for a moment! *pulls out a beeping walkie-talkie and puts it to his ear* This is Agent Enjolras, come in HQ. *frowns, tapping on the walkie talkie* HQ? HQ, this is Agent Enjolras, over. *taps it again* This thing's not working. I've been sabotaged! *to the security guards* Seal the exits! There's terrorism afoot!
Laigle: Uh, Enjolras? It's upside down
Enjolras: *turns red* I knew that. Just wanted to make sure you were on your toes *flips it around* HQ? Yes? Uh-huh. I see. Right away. *puts it away* There's been another riot! We'll have to deal with this kidnapper later! *tosses the cuffed talk show host aside*
Everybody runs for the FBI car
Javert: *cuffed to the middle seat* Great, just great. Now, in addition to Boboko, 24601, the gamin, the gamine, and the rebels, I've got the hooker to put up with!
Laigle: *to Enjolras* Can we please just stuff him in the trunk?
Enjolras: *evil grin* An excellent idea
Continued…