Chapter Eight
Agent Enjolras and company drive up to a large office building, coming face to face with a rowdy mob
Enjolras: *whips out his submachine gun* Come along, Laigle, Joly. This looks like it could erupt into a riot at any moment.
Laigle: Uh, maybe we ought to be merciful and bring Pontmercy with us *jerks his head toward Marius, who is trying very hard not to cringe as Fantine and Valjean stare him down*
Enjolras: *smirk* It's his own fault for having the audacity to fall in love
Laigle: Well, can you at least let the Inspector out of the trunk? He hasn't said a word in a half hour. I think he might be unconscious.
Enjolras: *glare* It's his own fault for having the audacity to insult us
Joly: Well, maybe it would be a good idea to at least bring the gamin along. His face is positively green. I think he's getting carsick.
Enjolras: *wince* It's his own fault for having the audacity to throw up on my shoes. Now, put on your riot armor and let's go *into a bullhorn* Attention! You will get only one warning! If you rioters do not disperse immediately, I will be forced to used my glare on you!
The Mob: Damn your warnings and your lies! You will see the people rise!
Joly: Say, Enjolras, isn't that your line?
Enjolras: *startled* Why, yes, it is *narrows his eyes* That's it! Now it's personal! *charges the mob*
Combeferre: *peeks out of the crowd* Enjolras? Enjolras, is that you?
Enjolras: *lowers submachine gun* Combeferre? What are you doing here?
Courfeyrac: *worms his way out of the throng* Hey, Combeferre, what's all the-- Enjolras? What are you doing here?
Enjolras: Courfeyrac! You too? *rolls his eyes* Have ALL my followers turned against me?
Jehan, Bahorel, and Feuilly appear
Enjolras: *glare* So, you're the ones who stole my line. My own comrades! What are you even doing here? You were supposed to be looking for a way back home!
Combeferre: Well, I was trying to, but while we were out searching, Jehan-- *looks pointedly at Jehan* --met a group of…what were they called, Jehan?
Jehan: Rappers. They were performing what seemed to be a bizarre form of poetry on a street corner. Since I rarely get the chance to speak to fellow poets, I stopped to ask them about it. *shuffles his feet* It…uh…didn't go well.
Enjolras: *sigh* What happened?
Jehan: I told them that studying the poetry of Petrarch and Dante might have a good influence on their work. I also suggested that keeping a few flowers around might help bring them inspiration.
Laigle: Then what?
Jehan: *looks embarrassed* Well, um, they….er….
Combeferre: *unsuccessfully trying to suppress a snicker* They mistook him for a girl!
Laigle, Joly, Combeferre, Courfeyrac, and Bahorel burst out laughing.
Jehan: *blushing furiously* Shut up!
Enjolras: *rather amused* Then what happened?
Jehan: One of them made a pass at me, and I socked him in the face
The Amis crumple to the ground, roaring hysterically
Jehan: Stop that! *stamps his foot* It's not funny!
Combeferre: *starting to recover* We spent the next few hours running from them, till we came upon this angry mob, trying to storm this building. Upon finding an angry mob preparing to riot, I naturally assumed that you were somewhere nearby, and decided to investigate.
Jehan: When we found out more about these people's cause, we decided to use our knowledge of the fine art of rioting to help them out.
Joly: Just what is their cause, anyway?
Feuilly: Well, you see, this building is the center of--*dramatic pause* an international telemarketing corporation!
Laigle: What's telemarketing?
Feuilly: *shrug* Beats me, but from what they've told us, we've gathered that it's a great evil in this day and age.
Bahorel: And we're going to lead these people to victory against it!
A cheer rises up from the mob
Enjolras: Bahorel, Feuilly, you never explained how you two wound up here.
Bahorel: We were trying to escape from an idiotic pseudo-clergyman named Zaurak Triangulum. We figured it would be easy to lose him in a crowd this size
Enjolras: *sighs knowingly* And you, Courfeyrac? You were supposed to stay with Pontmercy! He was locked up in an insane asylum when I found him. Where were you?
Courfeyrac: Well, it's a very long story.
Enjolras: I'm waiting
Courfeyrac: *sheepish* Well, we got a little lost, and accidentally wandered into something called a strip club. He fainted the minute he realized where he was, and that wonder dog of his had to go and get him an ambulance. I was a little preoccupied, and didn't quite catch the name of the hospital where they had sent him. *skillfully changes the subject* And where exactly have you been? And what's with the outfit?
Laigle: We're with the FBI now.
Joly: And they've sent us to arrest you
Combeferre: *blink* What?
Courfeyrac: You can't be serious!
Enjolras: Sorry, but if I don't obey their orders, they'll take this nifty new gun away.
Laigle: Enjolras, maybe we should rethink this. We can't arrest our friends, for God's sake!
Joly: Yeah. Terrorizing inspectors and talk show hosts is one thing, but…
Enjolras: Sorry, but the decision stands
Bahorel: You're insane!
Jehan: Laigle, Joly, can't you do something?
Laigle: Well…*sly grin* maybe. *to Enjolras* So, does this mean you've decided to dedicate your life to upholding the law?
Enjolras: I guess you could put it that way
Joly: *catching on* Just like your brother, the Inspector?
Enjolras: *pales* Never! *gasps* Oh, God, what was I thinking? I'm not a policeman! I am Boboko Enjolras!
Combeferre, Courfeyrac, Jehan, Feuilly, and Bahorel: Bobo-who?
Enjolras: *ignores them* I don't stop riots! I start them! *tears off his blazer and shades, revealing his vest, and plasters his most heroic expression on his face*
Combeferre: *pats him on the back* Glad to have you back, Fearless Leader
Bahorel: *surveys Enjolras skeptically* I don't know…there's still something missing
The instrumentals of "Do You Hear The People Sing?" boom loudly from the sky
Feuilly: *nods approvingly* That's more like it
Enjolras: Now, let's trash this fortress of telemarketing!
The Mob sends up a cheer, and they all fly at the office building.
Valjean: *clumsily drives up in the van, with various Mizzies hanging out of the windows* If you kids are done now, can we be getting a move on? *drums his fingers impatiently*
Combeferre: What do you mean?
Bahorel: Where are we going?
Marius: *standing up through the sunroof* Well, you guys were so busy with your little riot that you seem to have forgotten who our real enemy is.
Jehan: Who?
Marius: The author of this stupid fanfic, of course. Now, are you going to come and face her with us, or would you rather stay here, in this land of telemarketers and Oprah?
The Amis pile into the car without hesitation
Gavroche: Hey, move over! The window seat's mine!
Courfeyrac: *eyeroll* Oh, settle down
Gavroche: *evil grin* Don't make me throw up on your shoes, too.
Everyone simultaneously scoots as far away from him as possible
Gavroche: *stretches lazily* Heh heh *to himself* The things a fellow has to do for leg room around here!
Eponine: *scowls at Marius and Cosette, who are snuggling peacefully in the seat across from her* That's it, I've had enough of this. *shoves Enjolras off his seat* Move over!
Enjolras: *growl* Don't make me put you in the trunk with Kalderasha, gamine *moves over to sit in front of Gavroche*
Eponine: *shoves him* Oh, shut up! There is absolutely no way that I am going to spend this entire awful trip listening to my beloved Marius reciting love poetry at that girlfriend of his. *heartbroken sigh* I think I may cry
Combeferre: *sits down next to her* Excuse me, Mademoiselle? May I sit here? I going to ride in the back row, but there's a lot of loud cursing coming from the trunk, and it's starting to annoy me.
Eponine: *looks him over* Well, sure! *scoots closer to him* And what's your name, handsome? *flirty smile*
Combeferre: *slightly disconcerted* Uh…uh…uh…
Marius: *covertly watching this exchange* Hehe! Will you look at that? Cosette, Walter, I'm free!
Valjean: Everybody seated?
Fantine: *from the front seat* Don't forget your seatbelts, kids!
Valjean: *pulls onto the freeway* Let's roll!
Gavroche: *points out the window* Say, isn't that Grantaire?
Enjolras: *follows his finger, then winces* Ugh. I sure hope not
Grantaire: *wearing neatly pressed slacks and a golf shirt* That's it, kids! Excellent work! Keep it up, and maybe we'll be able to fit in a game of softball before it's time to go home.
A group of children are picking up trash on the freeway, planting trees at the side of the road, and singing contemporary Christian music as they work
Grantaire: *kneels next to a small girl* Here, let me help you with those flower boxes, dear. They must be awfully heavy.
Enjolras: *pokes his head out of the window* Valjean, pull over. Grantaire, what are you doing?
Grantaire: *smiles pleasantly* Enjolras, old friend, good to see you!
Courfeyrac: What the hell is the matter with you? Who are all these kids?
Grantaire: Well, I've become head of a group that provides guidance and love to wayward children. After I finished Alcoholics Anonymous, my priest told me that giving something back to the community would help keep my mind off of drinking.
Gavroche: *goes as white as a ghost* You…don't drink anymore?
Grantaire: Nope. *beams proudly* But I can't take all the credit, though. I never would have made it without the help of my dear fiancee, Penelope *smiles adoringly at her*
Gavroche: *backs away from the window* Agh! He's scaring me!
Laigle: *puts an arm around the gamin protectively* Me too, Gavroche, me too.
Littlest Boy: *tugs at Grantaire's sleeve* Uncle Francois? We're done now.
Grantaire: Wonderful! Now, children, let's all get in a circle and offer a prayer of thanks to the Lord.
Valjean: What a fine young man
Gavroche: AGH!
Bahorel: This is just creepy
Marius: He's finally cracked!
Walter: *barks an agreement*
Eponine: What's wrong with all of you?
Cosette: He seems nice enough to me
Fantine: Very well-mannered, too.
Enjolras: *deeply shaken* Dear God, they're right. The winecask is being polite and hard-working!
Gavroche: AAAAAGH!
Combeferre: We've got to get out of here!
Marius: But shouldn't we try to do something about Grantaire?
Enjolras: There's nothing we can do now that he's fallen victim to that horrible author! We've got to hurry! Any one of us could be next!
A few hours later, the carload of Mizzies pulls up in front of the author's house
Eponine: About time!
Cosette: *sarcastic* Really, Daddy, could you have possibly driven any slower?
Valjean: Don't blame me. It wouldn't have taken twice as long if we hadn't gotten stopped by all those policemen
Eponine: *glares at her brother* Yes, because Gavroche simply had to spit out the window every time he saw a convertible
Gavroche: Hey, at least I didn't throw any eggs like those kids on TV did
Eponine: I'm getting really sick of hearing about this "TV" thing, Gav.
Fantine: Now, children, there's no need to bicker. In a few minutes, with any luck, this whole ordeal will be over.
Enjolras: *shoots the lock on the front door off with his gun and kicks it open
The Lark: *sitting inside at her computer* Um, actually, Monsieur Enjolras, it wasn't locked.
Enjolras: Silence!
Valjean: We've come to demand that you stop this ridiculous piece of fanfic and return us to our time immediately.
The Lark: I'm afraid I can't do that.
Cosette: But why?
The Lark: Because it's summer vacation, and I'm bored.
Enjolras: But--
The Lark: Don't push me. I can be very cruel when I'm bored *begins to type* And then Enjolras, for no apparent reason, began to turn into a giant Treasure Troll with blue hair
Enjolras: *turns to plastic and starts to get pointed ears, his hair tinged with blue* STOP THAT! *knocks the author out of her chair and begins to type*
Gavroche: Yes!
Eponine: Save us, Enjolras!
Enjolras: *typing* First of all, Enjolras turned back into a human. Then, as soon as he was back to normal, a swarm of journalists descended on him to announce that he had been elected Premier of France
Paparazzi: *bang at the windows* It's him! We found him
Enjolras: Yes!
Paparazzi: Can we have an interview, Your Excellency?
The Lark: *knocks him aside* That's enough! *deletes his words and begins typing again* And then, Marius got a sudden urge to join a motorcycle gang
Marius: *his clothes suddenly replaced with biker leather and a helmet* Hey! Quit it! *pushes her away and types* And then, the Emperor Napoleon descended from heaven to take over the world and lead us to a new and glorious future!
Troops in Napoleonic dress uniforms are seen marching down the street outside the window
Marius: Yes!
Valjean: Stupid boy! *snatches the keyboard* And then, Cosette saw Marius for the deceitful seducer that he was and decided to marry that nice Grantaire boy instead
Cosette: *slaps Marius* I don't know what I ever saw in you, you pig!
Valjean and Fantine: *covert laughter*
The Lark: That's enough! *takes back the keyboard and deletes all their words* If you're going to--ow!
Gavroche: *whacks her with a nearby baseball bat and snatches the keyboard* And then, without warning, Lord Voldemort swooped down on a broomstick and destroyed the evil fan fiction author!
Lord Voldemort: *flies in and pulls out his wand* Avada Kedavra!
The Lark: *dodges the curse* Hey!
Gavroche: *continues to type* He then enlisted the help of Sauron and several other villains I saw on TV
A lot of dark, caped villains appear and begin to attack
The Lark: *ducks and steals the keyboard back* That's it! I've had enough of this fanfic! Fine, fine, I'll send you all back *types wildly* And then the author got sick of the Mizzies and sent them all home, safe and sound
Cosette, Eponine, Gavroche, Marius, Valjean, Fantine, and the Amis all disappear, one by one.
The Lark: *breathes a sigh of relief* That's better. Though I can't shake the feeling that I'm forgetting something…
Javert: *still tied up in the trunk outside* Hello? Hello? *bangs on the hood* Boboko, do be reasonable! It's a hundred and ten degrees outside! *kicks angrily* Boboko? Anybody? Get me out of here!
THE END