Chapter 4 - Nightmares and Memories

She slowed as she approached the cave entrance. She'd run almost all the way there, the bag bouncing on her back. The running had allowed her to expend some of that anger she felt due to the unwarranted and stupid attack at home.

Buffy tried to enter the cave quietly. It was one of those things which she would never admit: she loved watching Spike sleep. After they'd... slept together? made love? they rarely slept together, and it wasn't making love. Well, usually after they did... what they did... she'd left right after, before he'd fallen asleep. But sometimes she'd stayed, and sometimes she'd stayed awake longer than he did. When he was asleep she could gaze at his handsome, chiseled face, so peaceful and innocent in repose, and pretend this was a man, someone she could love, someone with a soul.

Well, guess he's got the soul part down... does that mean I can love him now? She shook these thoughts away. Beat the Big Bad Evil First first, then think about Spike, she admonished herself.

She crept softly into the cave, hoping to catch her ex-lover sleeping peacefully. However, sounds of pain came to her ears, and she swiftly set her bag down and grabbed a stake from her jacket pocket.

Moving swiftly yet silently into the cave, she was surprised to find nothing there but Spike. Having ascertained that the cave was, indeed, empty save for the bleached wonder, she turned her eyes towards her vampire.

He did sleep, but not peacefully. He looked to be having a nightmare. I wonder, can vampires have nightmares? Did Angel ever... As she watched, he began thrashing about, looking like he was trying to fight something off. With his bruises, she realized this must be terribly painful, and indeed, his usually handsome face was screwed up in a grimace of pain.

As his movements became more and more violent, she realized that he still clutched her knife in her hand. Fearing that he would hurt himself, she knelt by his side and attempted to still him, nearly getting herself slashed in the process by his wild flailing with her knife.

Spike! Spike! Wake up!

She shook him, at first gently, then not so gently as he failed to respond. As soon as she had touched him, his movements had become less frantic, but he still seemed trapped in whatever nightmare he was in.

Buffy shouted, shaking him vigorously, all the while trying to hold the knife away from either of them.

Finally, his eyes opened and he sat up with a gasp, sending Buffy sprawling.

Bu- Buffy? Spike said confusedly. I knew you'd... told her you'd... he trailed off, partly due to his confusion and partly due to the pain coursing through his body. Thanks to quick vampiric healing, he was already feeling better than before, though he was in desperate need of blood to help with the healing.

Now it was Buffy's turn to be confused. You told who what, Spike?

He shook his head in an effort to straighten out his thoughts. The pain that shot through his brain at this made him realize movement was probably not of the good right now.

Sorry luv, must have been dreaming.

He paused, regarding her, then looking towards the cave entrance. The sunlight showing through proved his internal clock was right- it was still day. His brow furrowed in puzzlement.

Buffy intercepted and correctly interpreted his glance. Right, not sunset yet. I decided to come back a little early. She sprang into action, running to get her bag, coming back, rummaging through it to find: Blood. Figured you could use some of this.

At the sight of the blood, Spike's face immediately shifted into his vampiric visage. Buffy didn't flinch, just offered the package of blood to him. However, when he realized that he had his game face' on, he ducked away in embarrassment.

Buffy sighed. Spike, drink the damn blood already, it's not like I don't know you're a vampire.

He glanced at her a bit sheepishly for a moment, realizing how silly his actions were. Spike quickly grabbed the blood from her and drained it.

Buffy sat back and watched in satisfaction as he drank the blood. When he'd finished, she offered him another. He quickly tore that one open and drained it as well.

Two more blood packets later, Spike was feeling much better. When Buffy offered him yet another, he shook his head.

Think I'm good now, pet. Thanks for the blood.

You're welcome. Just glad I thought to bring so much. Guess you lost a lot of blood, huh...

Uh, yeah...

An uncomfortable silence descended yet again.

Oh! I brought bandages... here, let me bandage you up. Buffy scurried to her bag, triumphantly pulling out the first aid kit and extra bandages. Aha! Now, let me see what that stupid Ubervamp did to you.

Spike shied away from her touch. No need for that luv, it'll heal on its own.

She regarded him impatiently. He was more skittish around her than usual and it was starting to get on her nerves.

Spike! Shut up already and let me bandage you.

Uh... right then, Spike said, allowing Buffy to tend to him.

He flinched slightly when he felt her warm hand touch him, then relaxed as she began her ministrations.

It felt... good to touch him again. Before the blood, he'd looked like a starving man in some third world country. Her train of thoughts led her to her botched Thanksgiving feast with her friends, when they'd been attacked by Indians... err... Native Americans.

Flashback:

Spike : You know what happens to vampires who don't get to feed?

Buffy : I always wondered that. Giles, plates.

Spike : Living skeletons, mate. Like famine pictures from those dusty countries, only not half as funny.

She hadn't liked Spike looking like a living skeleton,' as he'd put it so eloquently so many years ago, and was relieved that he looked better. She smiled a little as she remembered some of the other things he'd said that night:

Spike : You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not going around saying, "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it." The history of the world isn't people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story.

He always had the ability to make her smile with his dry humor; back then, she'd had to hide her amusement.

Spike regarded her through partially closed eyes. Whatcha smiling at, luv?

Just remembering.

Good memories?

Guess so. Didn't think so at the time. The Native American incident had occurred just before Willow's Let my will be done' spell. At that memory, her smile faded, and she frowned thoughtfully.

You OK there, pet?

Yeah... Spike, remember Willow's spell? The Let My Will Be Done' thingy?

Did he remember that! Every second was burned into his memory. The only time he had ever had Buffy like he wanted her- not just her body, but heart and soul. He swallowed nervously, wondering where this was going.

course I do. Happiest time of my life.

she corrected teasingly, deciding maybe she'd better change the topic. Stupid, stupid Buffy! Why did you have to bring that up? Oh well, hopefully he'll let it go... Of course he didn't.

What bout you, slayer? Was... was that the memory tha' caused the smile or the frown?

He had to know. He didn't really want to know, didn't want that cherished memory to be ruined, but he had to know.

Buffy remained silent, concentrating a bit harder than perhaps was really necessary on his bandaging. Why, oh why, did my thoughts have to lead me there? She, too, remembered it all. She had been happy, really happy with him. None of the angst that she'd had in her relationship with Angel, none of the... well, nothing relationship she'd had with Parker, and none of the trying-too-hard relationship she'd had with Riley. It was something she'd purposefully forgotten, as much as possible.

But all of a sudden, something occurred to her. Something which had, in actuality, occurred to her before, but previously she'd quashed all thoughts along those lines. Willow told me that she said that I should just go marry him... marriage doesn't necessarily mean love. But we were in love. But it was the spell which made us think we were in love... wasn't it? Round and round her thoughts went, nearly making her dizzy.

She looked up. Spike was regarding her wide-eyed. Didn't think you'd ever realize that on your own, pet...

Buffy regarded him for a moment, confused. Then she realized she must have said some of her thoughts out loud. Probably under her breath, as was her habit, but with his vampiric hearing... Damn damn and double damn! How am I going to get out of this one?