Chapter 3
(Link made it to the town and did just what he said, got stoned on booze!)
Link: Puh. Those dragons were nothing. I put their tail in my mouth and made their eyeballs fall out. Then I slapped them in the face with my big wang.
Navi: You never fought any dragon! And you wouldn't have a wang if you really slapped them on the face with it!
Guy: Gafoo!
Link: Hmmph?
Navi: It's hopeless.
Link: What is?
Navi: What do you think?
Link: Creating a mutant breed of worms that will destroy the world.
Navi: (sighs) Yes Link.
Link: See. Now then, lets get moving!
Navi: Are you sober?
Link: Am I still humping that table leg?
(They proceed to the gate where 2 guards are standing there)
Guard1: Here comes a little boy.
Guard2: Where? I can't see anything from under this hat!
Guard1: Right in front of you dip shit! Take it off if you can't see!
Guard2: I can't take it off! It's permanently welded to my skull!
Guard1:.how did that happen?..
Guard2: An unfortunate smelting accident.
Guard1: Should we let him pass?
Gaurd2: I don't care.
Gaurd1: I think I'll be a jerk and not let him pass until he does something.
Guard2: Whatever.
(Link looks at them like their insane, Link was standing right in front of them listening the whole time)
Guy: GBHFRAEG!
Link: I need to pass.
Guard1: First you need to do something for me.
Link: What? I didn't even show you the letter allowing me to pass.
Navi: I never saw her give you the letter.
Link: (takes it out) Well she did.
Navi: BUT I WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME!!!
Link: Well, if you'd stop staring at those porno picks you keep under my hat.
Guard1: Can you please go to the pansy mask shop that just opened in hyrule castle town square? I-My kid has been wanting the mask of a fox creature that looks like a Chinese pikachu.
Choice:
I'll do it.
I'm too busy.
Kick him in the nuts then slip through the bars.
(Link kicks the guard hard them slips through the bars and runs up the trail_
Guard1: Owww.
Guard2: It's your own damn fault.
(Link begins climbing the trail up to the goron city. One of the large red spider-things jumps at him)
Link: Could this be any easier?
(Link holds his sword up and it impales upon it. Link falls on his back)
Link: Ha!
(Thousands of very small spiders-creatures come out of the hole and start biting Link)
Link: AHHHHHHH!!!!!! SHIT!!!!!!!!! 9234611298747260!!!!!
(Later, near the top of the mountain)
(Link is very red and lumpy)
Navi: Link.how are you going to save the world if you lose to tiny bugs.
Link: Shut.up.
(A goron stops in front of Link)
Link: What the hell is that? It looks like that tree's wang!
Goron: I'm a moron!
Link: That much is obvious.
Navi: Aren't you people called the "gorons"?
Goron: I'm a moron! (starts bashing his own head in with a rock, that turns out to be a armadillo)
Armadillo: (Thinking) This is the 8th time I'm being used as a suicide weapon.
Guy: KAKAFALAI!!!
(Link proceeds into the city, there are many gorons acting like.well morons.)
Goron1: EEHEEEHEEHEE!
Goron2: MWAHAAHAAHAA!
Goron3: MWEHEHEHAHA!
Goron4: WEINER!!!
Goron5: BOOTOX!!
Goron6: (Sitting in a chair wearing a white coat with chemicals in test tubes on a desk) I say, am I the only one not babbling like an idiot?
Batman: It's amazing where I pop up. (Gets hit by a rolling Goron)
Link: (sweatdrop) My god.
Navi: It seems they've a racial drop in intelligence.
(Link walks to the bottom level and stands in front of the large stone door. He looks at the rug and it has "STOP STANDING ON ME!!!" written on it. He plays the song and the door opens. Link proceeds inside)
[Once again I've forgotten the name, so I'm gonna call him Daruin]
Daruin: That ****!? Who the **** is there!?
Link: Are you mad or something? You cuss a lot.
Daruin: Shut the **** up and tell me why you're in here!
Link: I need the pot of time.
Daruin: (takes a tranquilizer) Ok. I'll give to you, only if you kill the dodongos in a cave nearby.
Link: This can never be easy.
(Link leaves and blows away the boulder blocking the cave. Then he enters. Link then goes through the dungeon, which I shall summarize in a few words. Stab, stab, slash, blow up, stab, and fall. On with the boss fight!)
King Dodongo: Hahaha! Watch me role! (starts rolling at Link)
Link: Out of all the things to do, he rolls! (starts running)
Guy: I HAVE TURKEY-MONKEYS!!!
King Dodongo: WHERE!? I LOVE THOSE THINGS! (rolls into the lava) Shit.
(King D. starts sinking in the lava, a farting noise is heard and a large burst of flame and lava come flying up, then the lava cools, Link gets the heart container, and he exits through the light. Outside Daruin is waiting for him with other morons)
Link: Deh hell? What are you all doing here? Daruin: Ok, now I'm going to gibe you the pot, and we will be brothers.
Link: Brothers?
(Link takes the pot of time)
Daruin: Now for a big hug!!
(Daruin gets link and hugs him, cracking sounds are heard)
Link: My.spine..
(Link made it to the town and did just what he said, got stoned on booze!)
Link: Puh. Those dragons were nothing. I put their tail in my mouth and made their eyeballs fall out. Then I slapped them in the face with my big wang.
Navi: You never fought any dragon! And you wouldn't have a wang if you really slapped them on the face with it!
Guy: Gafoo!
Link: Hmmph?
Navi: It's hopeless.
Link: What is?
Navi: What do you think?
Link: Creating a mutant breed of worms that will destroy the world.
Navi: (sighs) Yes Link.
Link: See. Now then, lets get moving!
Navi: Are you sober?
Link: Am I still humping that table leg?
(They proceed to the gate where 2 guards are standing there)
Guard1: Here comes a little boy.
Guard2: Where? I can't see anything from under this hat!
Guard1: Right in front of you dip shit! Take it off if you can't see!
Guard2: I can't take it off! It's permanently welded to my skull!
Guard1:.how did that happen?..
Guard2: An unfortunate smelting accident.
Guard1: Should we let him pass?
Gaurd2: I don't care.
Gaurd1: I think I'll be a jerk and not let him pass until he does something.
Guard2: Whatever.
(Link looks at them like their insane, Link was standing right in front of them listening the whole time)
Guy: GBHFRAEG!
Link: I need to pass.
Guard1: First you need to do something for me.
Link: What? I didn't even show you the letter allowing me to pass.
Navi: I never saw her give you the letter.
Link: (takes it out) Well she did.
Navi: BUT I WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME!!!
Link: Well, if you'd stop staring at those porno picks you keep under my hat.
Guard1: Can you please go to the pansy mask shop that just opened in hyrule castle town square? I-My kid has been wanting the mask of a fox creature that looks like a Chinese pikachu.
Choice:
I'll do it.
I'm too busy.
Kick him in the nuts then slip through the bars.
(Link kicks the guard hard them slips through the bars and runs up the trail_
Guard1: Owww.
Guard2: It's your own damn fault.
(Link begins climbing the trail up to the goron city. One of the large red spider-things jumps at him)
Link: Could this be any easier?
(Link holds his sword up and it impales upon it. Link falls on his back)
Link: Ha!
(Thousands of very small spiders-creatures come out of the hole and start biting Link)
Link: AHHHHHHH!!!!!! SHIT!!!!!!!!! 9234611298747260!!!!!
(Later, near the top of the mountain)
(Link is very red and lumpy)
Navi: Link.how are you going to save the world if you lose to tiny bugs.
Link: Shut.up.
(A goron stops in front of Link)
Link: What the hell is that? It looks like that tree's wang!
Goron: I'm a moron!
Link: That much is obvious.
Navi: Aren't you people called the "gorons"?
Goron: I'm a moron! (starts bashing his own head in with a rock, that turns out to be a armadillo)
Armadillo: (Thinking) This is the 8th time I'm being used as a suicide weapon.
Guy: KAKAFALAI!!!
(Link proceeds into the city, there are many gorons acting like.well morons.)
Goron1: EEHEEEHEEHEE!
Goron2: MWAHAAHAAHAA!
Goron3: MWEHEHEHAHA!
Goron4: WEINER!!!
Goron5: BOOTOX!!
Goron6: (Sitting in a chair wearing a white coat with chemicals in test tubes on a desk) I say, am I the only one not babbling like an idiot?
Batman: It's amazing where I pop up. (Gets hit by a rolling Goron)
Link: (sweatdrop) My god.
Navi: It seems they've a racial drop in intelligence.
(Link walks to the bottom level and stands in front of the large stone door. He looks at the rug and it has "STOP STANDING ON ME!!!" written on it. He plays the song and the door opens. Link proceeds inside)
[Once again I've forgotten the name, so I'm gonna call him Daruin]
Daruin: That ****!? Who the **** is there!?
Link: Are you mad or something? You cuss a lot.
Daruin: Shut the **** up and tell me why you're in here!
Link: I need the pot of time.
Daruin: (takes a tranquilizer) Ok. I'll give to you, only if you kill the dodongos in a cave nearby.
Link: This can never be easy.
(Link leaves and blows away the boulder blocking the cave. Then he enters. Link then goes through the dungeon, which I shall summarize in a few words. Stab, stab, slash, blow up, stab, and fall. On with the boss fight!)
King Dodongo: Hahaha! Watch me role! (starts rolling at Link)
Link: Out of all the things to do, he rolls! (starts running)
Guy: I HAVE TURKEY-MONKEYS!!!
King Dodongo: WHERE!? I LOVE THOSE THINGS! (rolls into the lava) Shit.
(King D. starts sinking in the lava, a farting noise is heard and a large burst of flame and lava come flying up, then the lava cools, Link gets the heart container, and he exits through the light. Outside Daruin is waiting for him with other morons)
Link: Deh hell? What are you all doing here? Daruin: Ok, now I'm going to gibe you the pot, and we will be brothers.
Link: Brothers?
(Link takes the pot of time)
Daruin: Now for a big hug!!
(Daruin gets link and hugs him, cracking sounds are heard)
Link: My.spine..