Chapter 16: Explaining Without Emotion

********************** Summary: ***************************

Chapter 1: Sunrise: Buffy rescues Spike. It's sunrise, so he'll have to remain there for the day. As she leaves the cave and heads home, Buffy ponders life without Spike.

Chapter 2: Home Sweet Home: Buffy returns to her home only to be attacked by the Potentials. Somehow, the First, in Buffy's form, has convinced them that the real Buffy is the First in corporeal form. Buffy is, naturally, upset that the Potentials and her friends could believe that. The First leaves after a bit of taunting.

Chapter 3: Wheatabix, Blood and a Blanket: Buffy searches for these things (plus a first aid-kit) so she can go help Spike. She talks with Xander, who tells her that Willow was called to LA. As she leaves, she tells him that Spike is a good man, and that he should try and realize this.

Chapter 4: Nightmares and Memories: Buffy returns to the cave, bag o' supplies in hand, to find Spike having a nightmare, and nearly hurting himself in his thrashing about. She wakes him. Despite his protests, she bandages him and gives him blood.
Inadvertently, her thoughts lead her to Willow's Let my will be done spell' (Something Blue). She (finally!) realizes that Willow's spell was only that she and Spike should marry, not that they should be in love. Unfortunately, she says some of this out loud and Spike hears her.

Chapter 5: Rain Check : Buffy tells Spike she doesn't know what her feelings are for him exactly, and asks for a rain check on the heavy, serious stuff till after they defeat the First. He agrees. Buffy fills him in on what's been going on while he's been gone. They then fall asleep, side by side (Awww! ;o)

Chapter 6: A Long Talk in a Damp Cave: Basically, a big long talk between Buffy and Spike about forgiveness. She says that she needs his forgiveness for what she did to him last year, which of course surprises him. Buffy admits that he did some good things even when soulless, like taking care of Dawn. By now it's sundown, so they set out for home.

Chapter 7: Coming Home: Buffy and Spike head home. Halfway there, Spike asks Buffy if she really thinks he can be a better man. She replies that he already is a better man. They arrive home, unexpectedly finding Riley sitting in Buffy's living room.

Chapter 8: Leading to a Talk: Spike accuses Buffy of not telling him about Riley, then realizes she really didn't know. Xander offers to help Spike (gasp!). Dawn, Anya, and Andrew leave Riley and Buffy to talk.

Chapter 9: Catching up with the Ex: Riley informs Buffy that Spike's chip may not be working, so he needs to be staked. She refuses, informing Riley that Spike has a soul. Riley goes to stake Spike. Spike figures out that Sam was turned and Riley had to kill her. Then the three hear Xander scream.

Chapter 10: Old Friends: Angel appears, with Xander explaining that last he heard, he was Angelus. Faith and a mystery boy (Connor) show up. Lots of confusion as to whether or not people are to be trusted. An insane Riley fights Spike till Buffy rescues him. Spike looks at Angel, says he has a soul. Angel realizes Spike has a soul. Angel vouches for Faith's trustworthiness. Buffy calls a Scooby meeting.

Chapter 11: Scooby Snacks: Willow returns. At the Scooby meeting, General Buffy concludes that, thanks to the extra muscle, they can branch out, send some people over to Xander's. Angel says he's not staying. Buffy decides that Xander will take Riley, Faith, Anya, and Andrew, plus some SIT's. Angel takes Spike upstairs, while Buffy and Faith go outside to talk.

Chapter 12: Popping Like Warm Champagne: Faith apologizes, saying she knows she can never be forgiven for what she did. Buffy tells her the same thing she told Spike, also listing all of the Scoobies who have killed in the past, but have changed now.
Faith and Buffy fight some vamps. Faith asks Buffy about Spike, and Buffy asks Faith about Angel. Buffy ends up explaining the whole ripped out of heaven' thing, as well as her former relationship with Spike.

Chapter 13: Sleeping Together: Buffy thinks about Spike, and the dangers of getting too close emotionally, to him or others. She sleeps by his side, in her bed. Xander comes in the morning, and goes off on her for sleeping with Spike. Anya informs him that they slept together, but didn't have sex together. Xander sheepishly asks Spike if they can talk later.

Chapter 14: Leave it to a Former Vengeance Demon: Xander comes home and complains to Anya about having to talk to Spike. She explains to him that his leaving her at the alter was, in some ways, worse than what Spike did to Buffy.

Chapter 15: Too Close to Home: Buffy arrives home after a hard day of counseling. One case she dealt with caused her to decide that she couldn't be emotionally close to anyone again, for fear of her shutting down if they got killed. She headed down to see Spike.

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A/N: Sorry about that last chapter not being very good. Hopefully this one is slightly more interesting. Please R&R!

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Spike felt her before he heard or saw her. He'd told the girls he would tidy up after their training session, but mostly he just wanted to rest without anyone seeing how hurt he was.

When Buffy came down, he sat up on the cot he'd found earlier.

The bleached vamp greeted her curiously. Hey Slayer, what's up?

Clearly she'd been deep in her own thoughts and was startled by the sound of his voice.

Huh? Oh. Hey Spike. Uh, nothing's up, just thought we should talk... you know, about the girls training session and stuff.

Spike got the sense that the Potentials weren't really what the Slayer wanted to talk about, but he knew better than to argue.

Right, well, then... Spike proceeded to tell her about the training session. While training young girls wasn't really something at which he was experienced, fighting certainly was. He felt he'd been able to teach the girls a thing or two, and actually felt proud when one of them got a move he'd shown her. You're gettin' to be another soddin' poofter, he berated himself. Stupid soul.

Buffy did try and listen to what Spike was saying, though at first she was a bit distracted by her own thoughts. Soon though, she started really listening and realized, Spike actually enjoyed this! He liked teaching the girls. Weird.

When he'd finished, she remained silent for a moment.

All right then. I'm taking the girls out patrolling tonight. I'll bring along Connor, see if he really can fight.

I offered to ave him train with us, but I think he needed to be away from the gals for a bit. I can certainly understand that.

Buffy's first instinct was to say something along the lines of, Aww, are human girls about a hundred years younger than you too much for you to handle?' But she resisted. She wanted to keep this business-like. No personal stuff. No teasing... no fun allowed... she sighed...

Spike continued, a bit surprised Buffy hadn't taken the opening he realized he'd given her with his last words. So, what time do we leave for patrol?

Buffy shook her head. You're not going.

I'm- wha'? I'm not goin'?

No. You're still hurt.

Spike got defensive. What makes you think that?

First of all, I can tell, cause... I can just tell. Buffy paused briefly, realizing that sometimes she understood Spike, too - and not just physically. Determined to ignore all thoughts along those lines, she resumed. Also, one of the Potentials said she thought you were hurt.

Spike groaned. So one of the girls had noticed, eh? Oh well. There goes my Big, Bad, Evil and Scary image. Lemme guess. Was it that chit, Kennedy?

Uh, yeah, how'd you know?

He shrugged. Just figured. Kinda a nosy gal. Good fighter, but overconfident. Might want to do something about that. Maybe Willow could help with that, I noticed the two of them are gettin' pretty close. I hope Red's movin' on... not that I didn't like Glinda...

Buffy stopped listening at this point while he nattered on for a bit. She closed her eyes briefly. Damn! Exactly what I was thinking... that's not fair! He shouldn't.... She wasn't able to end that thought, since she didn't know what he shouldn't' do. Shouldn't have the same insights and thoughts as she did?

...I'll never forget when I hit her that one time cause she thought she was a demon... Spike realized Buffy wasn't listening. Uh, Slayer? You in there?

Her eyes snapped open. What? Oh! Yeah, I was listening... and that reminds me... about your chip...

Uh-oh. What about my chip?

She took a deep breath. Riley said... the chip was only meant to be temporary, since it was so experimental... the Initiative had planned on replacing it later on.

So you're tellin' me, what, tha' my chip may not be workin' any more?

Buffy nodded.

Spike swallowed. I guess that's that. Used up more than my fair share of time on this Earth. Gonna put me down now?

Buffy exclaimed. He thought I was going to put him down' like some dog? I didn't let Riley kill you, and if I was going to do it, I would have already done it. No, Spike, I am not going to put you down,' I wouldn't kill a soiled being. I just thought you should know, all right?

He winced. Buffy sounded pretty pissed, and he had to admit she had a point. He didn't know why exactly he'd said that, except that for so long, during the time post-chip but pre-soul, he'd known that the chip was all that was keeping Buffy from killing him. She would never kill a harmless' being.

Except he hadn't needed to be harmless. He could have gone with Drusilla, could have gotten minions to kill for him. But he hadn't. Shouldn't that have counted for something?

He shook off his pointless pondering.

Uh, yeah, thanks for tellin' me an' all...

Yeah, ya know, in case any evil humans come around. Like Ethan Rayne. I think the army put him away for good, but if he comes back, you're free to hurt him. Ugh, just thinking of that chocolate bar incident... I can still picture my mom and Giles... and the time he turned Giles into a demon, and... Buffy trailed off, realizing she was babbling. Bad Buffy! Back to business.

Spike was staring blankly at her. Uh... your mum and Giles?

Never mind, Buffy said hastily. Anyway, so, I just wanted to tell you about the chip. So, I'll just, um, be going. Upstairs. For patrolling. Ok, bye- She stood up to leave, but stopped as Spike grasped her arm.

Buffy, wait. There are some things I've been thinkin' about... and worryin' about... maybe you ought keep me locked up again, in case the First ever gets into my brain again... in fact, maybe I should just leave...

Despite all of Buffy's attempts to keep herself unemotional, this last statement really hit her hard. They all leave....

Her vehement shout surprised them both. She continued, more quietly. I just mean, no. I don't think the First can get in to your head again.

Spike cocked his head at her curiously. What makes you think that?

Buffy said, stalling for time as she tried to think up a reason for why she'd said that. Honestly, she didn't know why... Um, because you told me that the First was tryin' to get you to join its side, in the cave, right?

He nodded.

She continued. The way I see it is, why would the First have had to do that if it could just control you? Plus, I know you can fight it off, like you did in that basement... especially now that you're all, ya know, sane and stuff.

Couldn't stop myself from biting Andrew.

Yeah, well, can't blame ya for that one, Buffy joked. Argh, no joking allowed, she reminded herself. Seriously, if the First could still control you, why wouldn't it have had you kill me last night? Besides, I think you can fight it. Just lemme know if you start seein' or hearin' weird things, k?

Will do.

Buffy got up to leave once more. As she headed up the stairs, Spike's voice once more stopped her.

It... it means a lot to me that you believe in me. That I can fight it, I mean. Thanks.

She felt a rush of emotion at his heartfelt words. Meaning so much to someone was scary, but at the same time gave her a great feeling of confidence.... No. No no no no no. Doesn't mean anything.

Buffy turned away silently, her face empty.

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A/N: Please review!