The Crush – Part Six
A/N: I realized something this afternoon about the mean unfeeling Severus and felt that this was needed to stay in character for him. It might be indeed very mature behaviour for Hermione and if it helps you at all please make Hermione two years older. I won't mention the age myself again since I feel she has to be older to act like this. Enjoy
It took Severus almost six hours of storming through the Forbidden Forest to calm down enough to at least feel like he could face Dumbledore or any other person. By now most of the afternoon had passed and some of the students were again outside sitting in groups or chasing each other on broomsticks through the air. Whenever Snape passed a group of students conversation halted and the children drew together as even more afraid of the man's temper than usual. He looked a dark dangerous figure as he walked through the grounds until he reached the entrance and disappeared in the Entrance Hall. The few students who were lounging there hurriedly moved away and left the building.
He reached the dungeons with the full intention of locking himself in there and working on some potions he had left to do and then go to Dumbledore and apologize for the missed classes this morning. He had to have the second year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws before lunch but had missed the class due to his little visit to the Forest. Closing the door behind him he sighed and warded the entrance stepping into his living area. The chimney was out and it was almost completely black inside the room. Since his Death Eater times he had lost all traces of fear of darkness and had excellent vision even in the darkest of places. Actually he preferred darkness to bright light always feeling like this was where he belonged, the place he had earned himself after all these years. Hidden in dusty dungeon away from people's affection and presence all alone and suffering. Because indeed inside Severus was suffering. He was alone and aware of it. He welcomed the loneliness and the coldness because he knew he deserved it. It was the only other possibility to suicide- atoning. He had told Dumbledore so on that cold morning many years ago, the morning he had changed sides and crossed the line. The old man had given him another way out than to just kill himself, to turn spy for him and his Order and try to redeem himself someday. He had long since understood that someday would never be.
It was due to the lack of light in the room and his brooding while he filled himself a glass with firewhiskey that he didn't recognize the small person curled up into a ball on his couch next to the fireplace. She was watching him out of her hazel brown eyes with a tender gaze that spoke of longing and love.
When he took out his wand to light the fire he heard a slight shuffling as if somebody was moving and you heard the friction of the clothes against each other. With the excellent vision came a good hearing as well. In a second he froze and slowly turned around. Before she spoke he had recognized her and a cold look crossed his features.
"I was worried about you." Her voice sounded soft and almost as if she wanted to apologize for it.
For a moment he was completely stunned. For the life of him after his behaviour this morning he couldn't understand a reaction like this. She took his silence as reproach.
"I know I am not supposed to be here but I couldn't go to Dumbledore without further explanation so I instead came here and waited for you."
"You haven't told Dumbledore about the-" He hesitated slightly but then continued. "-incident this morning?"
She shook her head and then remembering the darkness she uttered a small "No".
Again he was stunned into silence. There were not many people who were able to make him speechless. Dumbledore was one of them, Voldemort and his father. But that was many years ago and these days he kept quiet with Voldemort for completely different reasons. And it seemed that somebody else had entered that list- Hermione Granger.
"Why not?" It sounded sharper than he wanted but it was his usual way of defence- attack.
She shrugged but then added almost inaudible. "I didn't want to get you into trouble."
Slowly as if not to scare her after his behaviour this morning he moved to the couch and after a short hesitation sat down next to her. Carefully he picked up her tiny hand and had to suppress a smile when she blushed. She was blushing so ferociously that he could even see it in complete darkness. It reminded him how young and innocent she was. He vowed to not forget this again over his own passion and lust.
"But I should be in trouble Hermione." His voice for once was smooth and tender without any trace of sarcasm and venom.
She shuddered as he used her first name for the first time ever. His voice send shivers down her back and slowly she turned her body towards him, squared her shoulders and said what she come here to say in the first place.
"No you don't. It wasn't only your fault, I was responding. I liked the kiss and I wanted you to kiss me and even more this morning because I have fallen for you so deeply that I don't even care if you deduct a hundred points from Gryffindor right now and give me detention for the rest of my time here at Hogwarts."
Slowly the features of Severus Snape turned into an almost awkward smile as if they had forgotten how to do that over the years. Without realizing it he began to caress her hand with his thumb and she moved into his body a bit more. His resolve was weakening dangerously but he found he couldn't care less.
"You silly girl." The silken voice passed her ear like a breeze of wind caressing the skin there. "What do you want me to do now?" He looked honestly clueless.
Carefully Hermione stretched out her hand and softly touched his stubby cheek.
"Love me." It was almost a whisper but it had the effect that all blood in his voice moved south and his heart was beating like thunder in his ears.
He knew it was wrong on so many levels, he knew that he could very well loose his job over this and he knew that tomorrow he would probably regret this but right now in this moment it felt like the only right thing in his life. She had turned his heart from the stone prison he had transformed it many years ago when he had received the mark on his arm into flesh already but only in this moment Hermione Granger sealed his final switch of sides to the light because she made it beat again. He felt the blood pump through it and all kinds of emotions and impressions tumbled down on him. Tears had begun to form in the hollow depth of his eyes for the first time in almost two centuries moistening his cheeks. It felt almost surreal and when she hugged him close to her warm body and locked her arms behind his neck burying his head on her chest he let the flood of tears come loose and cried silently for the failure that was his life, for the hundreds of death he had taken, the countless women he had raped and the atrocities he had committed. Regret and sorrow combined with the most enormous pain possible pumped through him washing away the self loathing and hate.
She uttered nonsense words into his ears and gently stroked his back with soothing hands all the time holding him close to her as if afraid he might disappear in a moment. She knew that he wouldn't kiss her tonight and she knew that he would probably never thank her for this moment but still she understood at least partly what it meant for her potions teacher.
Softly she pressed her lips to his head as he had fallen asleep after almost an hour and put a blanket on his body.
"Good night Severus." She stood for a moment longer in the doorway and then after putting the wards down left the dungeons.
[ I really and seriously considered letting it end here but that was just evil me coming out of her cell. Of course I won't be that mean but I realized that if you want to stay in character you had to let Severus come to some kind of peace with his past or he would never be able to feel love for somebody else. So there is some more angst ahead but we are slowly heading into much happier territory. As always please review. ]