Once you get on the parody bandwagon, there is no escape. One finds oneself parodying everything one comes across, and this time I've decided to address my Ultimate Fanfiction Pet Peeve, of which all fandoms are guilty: the Second-Generation "Adventure." I utterly detest all fics involving the canon characters' children as main characters. Especially when they have to "rescue their parents" from something. Their parents usually proved themselves perfectly capable of rescuing themselves in canon, so why do they need their annoying-ass Mary Sue children to do it for them? Standard disclaimers apply. (A/N: like ppl u haf to R&R no flamz plese cuz i dun like flamz!) (Coherent A/N: Feel free to flame if you so desire. Flaming is fun. I consider it a sport. Besides, if the fic sucks, you're going to flame it whether I want you to or not.)
I own Mary-Sue Sparrow, Marysue Norrington, Mary Sue and Marty Stu Turner, and Valerie Enjolras. *grin* Not that anyone would want to own them. Really.
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The story opens, as all stories of this nature do, aboard the Black Pearl, where a raven-haired, chocolate-eyed beauty in jeans and a System of a Down shirt was sitting atop the little basket thingie on the big pole thing (A/N: like, I dunno what it's called, I dunno *anything* about boats! *giggle*) with a telescope. "Savvy!" she cried. "Savvy, savvy, savvy!"
"An' wha' be ya savvyin' 'bout, luv?" called CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow from the flat part of the ship that people walk on. "If'n yer ma was t'be hearin' ya, she'd give ya a whuppin'!"
Mary-Sue was the daughter of CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow and Anna Marie the lady pirate. She was the youngest pirate, like, ever. And she was really, really good, too. She knew jujitsu and could swordfight and she had a really cool bandanna and she listened to Avril Lavigne, 'cuz Avril Lavigne is, like, so cool and punk and rebellious and stuff. And her voice was like angels playing a thousand beautiful melodious violins, despite the fact that her father often killed seagulls with his rough, drunken singing and her mother had a shriek that would put Frau Farbissina to shame. "Where are we going, Daddy? Savvy?"
"We be goin' ta Port Royal, cuz we gots ta go an' see Will and Elizabeth! Savvy!" CAPTAIN Jack spun the wheel thingie around, even though they were set on a perfectly straight course to the port as it was and there was really no need to steer things at the moment.
"We're here!" called Anamaria, whose name frequently changed its spelling without warning.
"Savvy!" cried Mary-Sue. "I can't wait to meet the Turners!"
The Turners, at the moment, were lounging about their large, expensive house, equipped with servants, because Elizabeth's father hadn't seen fit to cut off her allowance after she married a man with a perfectly legitimate job.
Mary Sue was Will and Elizabeth's daughter (A/N or maybe she's not cuz there was that whole way overdone cliche scene on the island with da rum and stuff lolz!!!11). She had long, gorgeous curly blonde hair that reached down to her ankles, and sparkling blue eyes that were like the ocean and the sky, even though all of her possible biological parents had brown eyes. She was wearing a tight red sleeveless dress that showed off her perfect body, but even though wearing such a thing in those days was liable to get you hung for witchcraft or some such like, nobody ever complained, because she was just so perfect and her beauty blinded everyone like a thousand bright flashes of heavenly light. Comador (sic) Norrington totally had a thing for her, but nobody likes him cuz he's such an old creepy pervo.
Marty Stu was her twin brother. He looked just like his dad (A/N omg Orli is so hott!!1 i totaly want Marty cuz he looks like Orlando lolz!!1) except that he was blond like his mom. He was punk (cuz punk rawk boyz are hott!) and listened to stuff like System of a Down. Just like Mary-Sue Sparrow! (A/N like omg are they gonna hook up?) He always wore all black with chains and buckles all over him and wrote depressing poetry about dying and stuff.
The doorbell rang and Will and Elizabeth's underpaid butler answered it. "Oh my God it's Jack Sparrow!" cried Elizabeth, running to hug him.
"CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow, luv. Savvy?"
"It's Jack!" said Will, who always felt the need to state the glaringly obvious, like the lady from Star Trek. (A/N: like omg i dun watch that show do u cuz only nerdz watch star trekk!!! but i put it in anyway)
"And me!" shrieked Annamarie, who was wandering around doing piratey things. Without warning, she reached out and delivered a stinging slap to the side of Will's face.
"You slapped me!" he yelled. "I didn't deserve that!" (A/N hey that's a quote from the movie! lolz im so witty)
"Savvy," said Jack, waving a hand to get everyone's attention, "we be here cuz...well, I dunno why we's here, but I wants some rum!"
And so everyone drank rum. And Anamarria went around slapping everyone, because that was what she did best. Meanwhile, in another big fancy mansion...
Marysue Norrington slid down the bannister in her perfectly tailored, lilac-purple, long gown, which clung to her slender frame like the scent of violets in springtime and made her look like a beautiful angel, even though her dad is like old and ugly and stuff. (Coherent A/N: *buries face in hands* I can't believe I just said that.) She had waist-length hair of titian (A/N like i dunno what titan means is it like blonde or something?) that was streaked with purple and shimmering violet eyes. Her dad had a thing for her, too, cuz he's just totally gross.
Marysue Norrington was no ordinary commador's (sic) daughter. She was really cool and knew how to swordfight and wanted to be a pirate. She hated her dad just like everyone else. She decided that she wanted to be a pirate, cuz that would show him!
Norrington was sitting at a table being all pervy and old, even though he didn't look like he'd aged at all in the sixteen or so years that had passed since the end of the movie, and he didn't look in the movie like he'd aged at all since the prologue, save for his wig becoming a little whiter. So, Norrington still looked about twenty-one, but he's still, like, all kinds of old and stuff! "Hello, darling," he said, leering unpleasantly at her. Marysue judo-chopped him and ran off to the Turners' house, because Marty was hott.
When she got there, she saw all the sexy pirate kids running around, occasionally getting slapped by the pirate lady with the bottle of rum. She and Marty Stu saw each other and fell instantly in love.
"Like, ohmygod, you're hot!" cried Marysue. "I'm Marysue Melanie Jessica Cassie Mackenzie Megan Brianna Norrington. Who are you?"
"I'm Martin Stuart Turner, but you can call me Marty Stu," said Marty, sitting down in a dark corner to brood over his new ladylove. Perhaps a songfic was in order.
"Turner?" she squawked. I mean, uh, said. Because her voice was like beautiful sleighbells ringing out over sparkling snowdrifts on Christmas day. "Like, the pirates?"
"Yeah," said Marty, doodling on the inside of his wrist with a paperclip. "Hey, aren't you, like, the comitor's (sic) daughter?"
Marysue scoffed. "Like, he's such a creepy dorkwad. I bet I'm not *really* his daughter, cuz I want to be a pirate and stuff, and he hates pirates!"
"Well," said Marty, jerking his thumb morosely over at CAPTAIN Jack, "he's a pirate. Why don't you go ask if you can join his crew?"
"Ooh! I know all kinds of things about ships! Like, how you have to have the sails up for it to go anywhere! And how sometimes you have to swab the poopdeck! And there are things called portholes!" Marysue skipped over to CAPTAIN Jack. "Hi! I'm Commador (sic) Norrington's daughter, but I think he's yucky, and I want to be a pirate, so can I join your ship!"
"Savvy!" cried Jack, flinging an arm around her and very nearly splashing rum on her perfect dress. "Ye can be a pirate lass! We be needin' more people on the Black Pearl!"
Anamaree walked solemnly up to the newest crew member, shook her hand and slapped her in the face.
"Comidore (sic) Norrington's daughter just joined the crew of the Black Pearl," Will informed everyone. "She has yet to introduce herself to everyone else."
"Like, hi!" Marysue gushed. "I'm Marysue Norrington!"
"Hi, Marysue!" everyone chorused. Elizabeth, the bossy, overbearing bitch, took it upon herself to introduce everyone else.
"Marysue, this is Mary Sue and Mary-Sue, and you already seem to have met Marty Stu."
"Rum, anyone?" called CAPTAIN Jack. "Savvy!"
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Time to double the medication, I think. R&R cuz if u dun review i won't post ne more even tho if nobody'z revewing then they prolly dun care if i post more or not...
For the record, Jack Davenport is the sexiest actor alive, and Commodore Norrington is my favorite character. And "(sic)" indicates an intentional spelling error.
Ave atque vale,
--Jehan's Muse
I own Mary-Sue Sparrow, Marysue Norrington, Mary Sue and Marty Stu Turner, and Valerie Enjolras. *grin* Not that anyone would want to own them. Really.
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The story opens, as all stories of this nature do, aboard the Black Pearl, where a raven-haired, chocolate-eyed beauty in jeans and a System of a Down shirt was sitting atop the little basket thingie on the big pole thing (A/N: like, I dunno what it's called, I dunno *anything* about boats! *giggle*) with a telescope. "Savvy!" she cried. "Savvy, savvy, savvy!"
"An' wha' be ya savvyin' 'bout, luv?" called CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow from the flat part of the ship that people walk on. "If'n yer ma was t'be hearin' ya, she'd give ya a whuppin'!"
Mary-Sue was the daughter of CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow and Anna Marie the lady pirate. She was the youngest pirate, like, ever. And she was really, really good, too. She knew jujitsu and could swordfight and she had a really cool bandanna and she listened to Avril Lavigne, 'cuz Avril Lavigne is, like, so cool and punk and rebellious and stuff. And her voice was like angels playing a thousand beautiful melodious violins, despite the fact that her father often killed seagulls with his rough, drunken singing and her mother had a shriek that would put Frau Farbissina to shame. "Where are we going, Daddy? Savvy?"
"We be goin' ta Port Royal, cuz we gots ta go an' see Will and Elizabeth! Savvy!" CAPTAIN Jack spun the wheel thingie around, even though they were set on a perfectly straight course to the port as it was and there was really no need to steer things at the moment.
"We're here!" called Anamaria, whose name frequently changed its spelling without warning.
"Savvy!" cried Mary-Sue. "I can't wait to meet the Turners!"
The Turners, at the moment, were lounging about their large, expensive house, equipped with servants, because Elizabeth's father hadn't seen fit to cut off her allowance after she married a man with a perfectly legitimate job.
Mary Sue was Will and Elizabeth's daughter (A/N or maybe she's not cuz there was that whole way overdone cliche scene on the island with da rum and stuff lolz!!!11). She had long, gorgeous curly blonde hair that reached down to her ankles, and sparkling blue eyes that were like the ocean and the sky, even though all of her possible biological parents had brown eyes. She was wearing a tight red sleeveless dress that showed off her perfect body, but even though wearing such a thing in those days was liable to get you hung for witchcraft or some such like, nobody ever complained, because she was just so perfect and her beauty blinded everyone like a thousand bright flashes of heavenly light. Comador (sic) Norrington totally had a thing for her, but nobody likes him cuz he's such an old creepy pervo.
Marty Stu was her twin brother. He looked just like his dad (A/N omg Orli is so hott!!1 i totaly want Marty cuz he looks like Orlando lolz!!1) except that he was blond like his mom. He was punk (cuz punk rawk boyz are hott!) and listened to stuff like System of a Down. Just like Mary-Sue Sparrow! (A/N like omg are they gonna hook up?) He always wore all black with chains and buckles all over him and wrote depressing poetry about dying and stuff.
The doorbell rang and Will and Elizabeth's underpaid butler answered it. "Oh my God it's Jack Sparrow!" cried Elizabeth, running to hug him.
"CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow, luv. Savvy?"
"It's Jack!" said Will, who always felt the need to state the glaringly obvious, like the lady from Star Trek. (A/N: like omg i dun watch that show do u cuz only nerdz watch star trekk!!! but i put it in anyway)
"And me!" shrieked Annamarie, who was wandering around doing piratey things. Without warning, she reached out and delivered a stinging slap to the side of Will's face.
"You slapped me!" he yelled. "I didn't deserve that!" (A/N hey that's a quote from the movie! lolz im so witty)
"Savvy," said Jack, waving a hand to get everyone's attention, "we be here cuz...well, I dunno why we's here, but I wants some rum!"
And so everyone drank rum. And Anamarria went around slapping everyone, because that was what she did best. Meanwhile, in another big fancy mansion...
Marysue Norrington slid down the bannister in her perfectly tailored, lilac-purple, long gown, which clung to her slender frame like the scent of violets in springtime and made her look like a beautiful angel, even though her dad is like old and ugly and stuff. (Coherent A/N: *buries face in hands* I can't believe I just said that.) She had waist-length hair of titian (A/N like i dunno what titan means is it like blonde or something?) that was streaked with purple and shimmering violet eyes. Her dad had a thing for her, too, cuz he's just totally gross.
Marysue Norrington was no ordinary commador's (sic) daughter. She was really cool and knew how to swordfight and wanted to be a pirate. She hated her dad just like everyone else. She decided that she wanted to be a pirate, cuz that would show him!
Norrington was sitting at a table being all pervy and old, even though he didn't look like he'd aged at all in the sixteen or so years that had passed since the end of the movie, and he didn't look in the movie like he'd aged at all since the prologue, save for his wig becoming a little whiter. So, Norrington still looked about twenty-one, but he's still, like, all kinds of old and stuff! "Hello, darling," he said, leering unpleasantly at her. Marysue judo-chopped him and ran off to the Turners' house, because Marty was hott.
When she got there, she saw all the sexy pirate kids running around, occasionally getting slapped by the pirate lady with the bottle of rum. She and Marty Stu saw each other and fell instantly in love.
"Like, ohmygod, you're hot!" cried Marysue. "I'm Marysue Melanie Jessica Cassie Mackenzie Megan Brianna Norrington. Who are you?"
"I'm Martin Stuart Turner, but you can call me Marty Stu," said Marty, sitting down in a dark corner to brood over his new ladylove. Perhaps a songfic was in order.
"Turner?" she squawked. I mean, uh, said. Because her voice was like beautiful sleighbells ringing out over sparkling snowdrifts on Christmas day. "Like, the pirates?"
"Yeah," said Marty, doodling on the inside of his wrist with a paperclip. "Hey, aren't you, like, the comitor's (sic) daughter?"
Marysue scoffed. "Like, he's such a creepy dorkwad. I bet I'm not *really* his daughter, cuz I want to be a pirate and stuff, and he hates pirates!"
"Well," said Marty, jerking his thumb morosely over at CAPTAIN Jack, "he's a pirate. Why don't you go ask if you can join his crew?"
"Ooh! I know all kinds of things about ships! Like, how you have to have the sails up for it to go anywhere! And how sometimes you have to swab the poopdeck! And there are things called portholes!" Marysue skipped over to CAPTAIN Jack. "Hi! I'm Commador (sic) Norrington's daughter, but I think he's yucky, and I want to be a pirate, so can I join your ship!"
"Savvy!" cried Jack, flinging an arm around her and very nearly splashing rum on her perfect dress. "Ye can be a pirate lass! We be needin' more people on the Black Pearl!"
Anamaree walked solemnly up to the newest crew member, shook her hand and slapped her in the face.
"Comidore (sic) Norrington's daughter just joined the crew of the Black Pearl," Will informed everyone. "She has yet to introduce herself to everyone else."
"Like, hi!" Marysue gushed. "I'm Marysue Norrington!"
"Hi, Marysue!" everyone chorused. Elizabeth, the bossy, overbearing bitch, took it upon herself to introduce everyone else.
"Marysue, this is Mary Sue and Mary-Sue, and you already seem to have met Marty Stu."
"Rum, anyone?" called CAPTAIN Jack. "Savvy!"
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Time to double the medication, I think. R&R cuz if u dun review i won't post ne more even tho if nobody'z revewing then they prolly dun care if i post more or not...
For the record, Jack Davenport is the sexiest actor alive, and Commodore Norrington is my favorite character. And "(sic)" indicates an intentional spelling error.
Ave atque vale,
--Jehan's Muse