Rachel: Onegai… Accept this for the fiction it is. ^__^* DIR EN GREY FOREVER! *shifty eyes* … *licks a picture of Kyo* Er, I don't have a JRocker-licking fetish. It was TMRevolution's fault for coming too close to me (yet somehow…not close enough).
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Dir En Grey – Waver
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I cannot return, I want to forget, my love for you that
will not "waver"
When someone wants something so badly for so long…he or she can't help but feel a little bit guilty if and when they receive it. Especially when thousands of other people want the same thing. Especially when what you want should be, by all logic, impossible to attain. Especially when there was so very little effort involved. And especially when what he or she finally receives… is so much better than they could ever have hoped for.
That was how I felt when I found you, Duo Maxwell. You're a fangirl's dream… and I'm the biggest fangirl of them all. There you were, in my country, in my state, my mall. You didn't just look like him, or just act like him, you were him.
We became friends and I was happy. You, a handsome, charming, popular senior took time out of your day to talk to some giddy Catholic school eighth grader. You treated me as an equal, not a child. You never spoke down to me. You used big words and spoke of complex ideas and I understood because you believed I could understand. You helped me find who I was and become my own person. You gave me confidence in myself, new ways of thinking and the capacity to understand and help others. In that summer, you raised me. And you raised me well.
It was needless to say I was madly in love with you.
I knew it was absolutely foolish of me, but I couldn't help how I felt. All I wanted was closure. I wanted your reaction to my feelings, be it negative, positive or indifferent. When I told you, you understood. You offered me a relationship and said I could do with it as I pleased.
I knew you were turning eighteen soon and I knew that if I missed this opportunity, I would have to wait another three years. And even if I did wait, what were the chances of lighting striking twice?
It was snowing that Saturday, early February. I sat in the passenger seat of your Mustang as we inched along the snow-slick highway. I drew faces on the foggy window and you flicked through radio stations. Frustrated with the progress of the snow plow twenty cars in front of us, you suggested we just go back to your house, make some ramen and watch anime, and then you would take me home once the roads were clear.
None of your friends were at the house when we got there. You went to turn on the stove and I pretended to select a video. Later, when we sat on the couch and I played with your braid, you smiled and kissed me. We had kissed before, but none had made me as happy as this one. I told you again what I wanted and again you made the offer and again I took. I don't regret any of it.
On that day, I vanished from your sight
Now it's already too late, what can I do?
Staring at you as you broke down crying
I embraced you even tighter than usual
But you won't change
When I woke up next to you that Saturday afternoon and I watched you sleep, I saw something inside of you had been broken. And I knew that I had broken it. You were so young and so pure and I had destroyed that. I felt like I had victimized you. All you wanted was to be close to me and I had taken advantage of that. It hurt to look at you. From that day on, whenever I would see you smile guilt would make me gag. When you spoke, I could hear behind your words your breathy groans. And when you would touch me, I would shiver in disgust at myself.
You don't understand. You tell me you enjoyed it and that you don't regret it. You plead with me not to feel the way I do, but it can't be helped. I had plucked the petals off a barely-bloomed bud. I had undone all the things I had taught you. I was a beast.
When you woke up, I told you how I felt. I didn't know how to put it without hurting you, but in the end, you understood. We agreed to stop seeing each other. You told me you would never admit to it. It would be wrong of me not to admit, but you could deny it. As you dressed, you told me what I hadn't wanted to say out loud. You said the whole thing was a mistake and that it never should have happened. That it, in fact, didn't happen. I told you to blame it all on me and you laughed and promised me that for every misfortune you would suffer from that day forth I would be held responsible. You were exercising another of the traits you had picked up from me. You learned to laugh in any situation.
But you hadn't perfected it yet. As I stood buckling my belt, I felt your arms wrap around my stomach. You pressed your cheek against my disheveled braid and wept. I turned around and held you, hugging you close. The tears kept coming and I kept hugging you tighter.
How I realize it now, your love is already gone...
I was truly a fool for you
Shall we end it here?
When I think of you, for some reason my eyes fill with tears
I think of you almost every day. In hindsight, I realize how pathetic I must have seemed to you that day. Once again, I had been given something I had always wanted and once again I let it overwhelm me and I got carried away. I should never have asked that of you. It changed everything in my life. I have a secret now. A big one.
Still between us there is always that little bit of discomfort, that awkwardness. We agreed to drift slowly apart. To keep in touch, but not to touch. Anyway, you would be far away. You had a life beyond me. A big one that I didn't understand. You had people that meant more to you than I did. I had some that meant more to me than you did. We moved on and on. But when I think of you, I feel sad and empty inside. You were always everything I had ever wanted in a partner. There was not a damn thing about you I didn't like. After you left, finding someone else seemed hopeless. It seemed like there was nothing left for me. I had climaxed so early that the rest of my life was only a roll down a rocky hill. You promised we could meet again and that is what I work towards. Until then, I look at our photo on my bed stand every night and blink back tears until I fall asleep. Sometimes I think I resent you for doing this to me, but then I remember how it was all my fault. You said I could blame you, but in good conscience I can't.
I will never hurt you again
Because I want to hold you close like I always did
before.
I've betrayed our love too much...
"now we cannot return to how we were two years ago..."
I want you back, but not as my lover. I want you back as my friend. You taught me so much about myself. We had so much fun. You were a rare find, unique. You weren't an immature girl who claimed she acted grown up; you were a grown-up who acted immature. You knew things. You knew everything. There were things you said that just made me want to hug you. You still say things like that, and I wish we were as close as before so I could just reach out and ruffle your hair.
I want to think of you as my kid sister. I could see myself teaching you how to drive or helping you with homework. I could see you living with us in that white picket fence house Duet and I joke about moving into. You would have a room on the first floor and you and your boyfriend would stay up late watching movies in our living room. Duet would be sweet to him and I would threaten to cut off his hands if he touched you. We could do all those things that make you happy. I betrayed our relationship by taking it down the wrong path. We were never meant to be lovers. I hurt you and I felt you hurting. I felt the wrongness and uncleanliness, the iniquity I had placed in you.
Why did the two of us meet?
What did I give to you?
I don't understand why I was blessed, or was I cursed?, with you in the first place. Why did I pick up that video so long ago? Why was I there that day? Why did I approach you? Why did you hold conversation with me? What did an eighth grade girl have to offer to someone so great? There is no reason, no answer. It was just God playing his usual games with my mind.
I shouldn't dote on you like this. I should move on. Not forget you though. You should never forget someone who made an impact on you life. Whether it was negative, positive or undecided, doesn't matter. What saddens me though is that before you can remember our happy times together, you must first face the sadness I brought you. Even if your initial reaction to a memory is a smile, it will fade to a frown. I know because it is the same with me. I must face that agonizing truth that I drove you, the greatest person I know, out of my life.
I will never stop loving you though. I never stop loving anyone. Never have, never will. And until the day we meet again, I'll keep you in my heart, because I'll always consider you my friend.
If there's a chance we could meet again, I'll keep
waiting until that time
I cannot return, I want to forget, one more time, more than ever before
Even my memories I want to forget, my heart that loved you is in pain
You won't tell me how you feel about me anymore. You never open up to me anymore. I know you would if we were face to face, but we're not. We can't be. But I'll continue to try. I'll continue to stand by you and offer my love and support. We'll keep on helping each other. You're impossible to forget. You're so much like the woman I love… So very much like her, she says. But not like her at that age. You are like her as she is now. You are wise beyond your years. You see the world as no one else can and its your view that I desire. You act like her and I. You can't hate. You can read people. You know everything that really matters. You look like her, you think like her, but you're not her. I couldn't have her, so I took you. That is the truth pinning me to this guilty cross. I used you. But you used me, too. You were happy being the tool. You were corrupted by me. Try as I might to forget it, I see it in her face sometimes.
So until we meet again… Until we can resolve this pain. I will forget it happened. But I will never, never forget you.
For all eternity, love like never before
For all eternity, our love will not return
With my serious betrayal meaning more than my love, you will never "waver"...
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Rachel: Need… JRocker fix… *glomps Fujisaki*
Fujisaki: Ah! You're really starting to piss me off. *glare*
Rachel: *big innocent eyes* o.o
Fujisaki: *glare softens a little*
Rachel: *licks the side of his face, then continues trying to look innocent* o.o
Fujisaki: *twitch twitch* ITOKOOOOOOO-CHAAAAAAAN!
Touma: Ne?
Rachel: O.O Hotness runs in the family! *glomp*
Fujisaki: Careful… She licks. … … … Can we fire her?
Touma: *sets Rachel down gently and holds her hand* No… Then we'd actually have to pay someone to work as an office assistant.
Rachel: o.o *licks Touma's hand*
Touma: 0.o
Rachel: o.o *points at Fujisaki*