Title: What if

Author: Mariedex

Spoilers: After FO, a year in the future.

Disclaimer: The characters in the story are the sole property of Hank Steinberg, Jerry Bruckheimer, and CBS. No copyright infringement is intended.

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Samantha had to make the hardest decision of her life... to leave.




Today had not been a good one for Samantha Spade. She had gotten up late and realized that she had forgotten to pick up some coffee on the way home last night. The landlord was working on the plumbing so there was no hot water and all of her suits were still at the dry cleaners.

The only good thing was that Ryan was still sleeping soundly. At least for the moment she was. But Sam knew that it wouldn't last for long, not considering the screaming that came last night. This was just the calm before the storm. Sam knew that she had to make the most of her quiet time to get her ready in peace. This was her only time during the day in which she was able to be alone. At work she was always on and during her lunch breaks she would go down to the day care and sit with Ryan. That guilt of leaving her always tugged. Maybe she should get another job, maybe she should try to work at home, maybe she should call Jack. No, push that out of her head. She has tried that one before when Ryan was born. All of her inhibition had left her and perhaps some of the drugs that they had given her had helped.

Jack Malone. The voice answered on the other end, curt and simple.

That's all she could say amazed that even those words had left her mouth.

There was a silence at the other end of the phone and then a whisper. It was more of a question rather than a confirmation.

Hi. I was just calling to say hi. No that wasn't the case. She was calling to tell him that his daughter had just been born two months premature and was laying in an incubator and that she needed him.

It's so good to hear from you. I have been meaning to call, but you changed your cell phone number. How are you? He was rambling a bit, confused about why she decided to call now. It had been four months since her transfer. Four months since VanBoren had told him about her letter. Four months since their argument about her leaving. He almost lost it during that fight. All the resolve that he had built up about them. He did lose it when she left. Those weeks of trying to pretend with Marie that they were getting better. It simply wasn't because all he wanted was the woman who had just went above him to ask for a transfer.

Good and you?

Okay. How do you like Minneapolis?

It's good. How are things going with you? She waited for an answer but instead she heard them in the background. Daddy come on. She recognized the voice, it was Hannah.

In a minute, sweetie.

Sam didn't need to hear more. She simply hung up the phone and started crying. She never would call him again, she never would have the nerve. Jack had tried to call her back but the caller ID came from a hospital and nobody picked up the phone in the room that they said she was staying in.

That conversation had hurt more than it should have. She should have known that Marie and him would have gotten back together. That their marriage would work. Once Jack had his mind set on something there was no going back. So here she was now alone, without him. She wouldn't allow herself to wonder what would have happened if she had told him that night or if she had sent that letter which was still sitting on her desk. She had gotten so far as putting the stamp on it. But now it just sat there, unmailed.

A faint cry woke her from her thoughts. There was no time for reminiscing, she was already late for work. She had to get Ryan up and ready. She left a quick message for her boss that she would be there in thirty minutes. She quickly got Ryan up and fed her. Than put her favorite soft outfit on and they were off. Luckily Ryan wasn't crying. Maybe the medicine was working.

The ride to work was peaceful enough. It was only when she went to drop Ryan off did the day start to get really rough. Ryan started crying like there was no tomorrow. She didn't want to let go of her mother and it crushed Sam to do it. Maybe she should just take another day off. No she couldn't keep doing that, part of her knew that Ryan was just going to have to get used to being dropped off at daycare. It helped though that she could run down at any time to check on her. So Sam braved up and walked out the door, leaving her daughter behind screaming. The daycare knew that she could be contacted and usually they were able to calm her down after Sam was gone. She resolved herself to the fact that Ryan would be okay in a minute and that she herself was late to work and desperately needed coffee.